Christmas with Little Sh*t (A Three Act Play)

OK…I lied. I was going to try to write this out as a play, but it is just ENTIRELY too much work. So, I’ll just set it up and tell the story.


The cast:


Little Sh*t – Little Sh*t (referred to as LS for the remainder of this entry) is my cousin’s son. He’s 23 years old and a complete a$$hat. He lives with my aunt because my cousin can’t handle him. He doesn’t lift a finger around the house, pays no rent, eats like a horse, can’t even make himself a sandwich or a bowl of cereal and rumor has it that he has his own personal assistant to wipe his a$$.



Ellen – LS’s mother; she’s 50 years old and is a full time teacher. To say that she is somewhat of an idiot is stretching the boundaries of the word “somewhat”.



Marilyn – LS’s grandmother; she’s 73 years old and barely able get around due to arthritis and rheumatism. Dotes on LS



Lenny – LS’s grandfather; he’s 78 years old, diabetic, and does whatever he is told to do



So here’s what happened.



A few days before Christmas, Ellen (my cousin) shows up on my uncle’s doorstep. Quoting my uncle: “She must have been hopped up on something because she was just a-jabbering so I just let her talk.” Translated, that means she was dishing up some good dirt!!



She said that she had LS had called her up and wanted HER to take HIM out to lunch.



Now, being that it was Christmas and all, one would think that a GOOD son would call his mom up and invite HER out to lunch as HIS treat just for the heck of it. But give yourself a good slap up side the head because this is LS that we are talking about here!!!



LS wanted his mom to take him out to lunch because he was (and I’m quoting here) “sick of eating what Grandma cooks.”



OK….I need to clarify some stuff here.



a) Grandma (Marilyn) actually cooks and she cooks good southern food. We’re talkin’ ‘bout making stuff from SCRATCH!!! No prepackaged stuff from a box or fast food crap. She actually cooks breakfast, lunch, AND dinner seven days a week.


b) LS doesn’t pay rent nor does he lift a finger around the house.


c) If LS doesn’t like what Marilyn fixes for dinner, then get his a$$ in the kitchen and make his own d@mn self a sammich!!


d) Obviously, I (and the rest of the family don’t think too much of LS)



So Ellen got in the car, picked LS up, and took him out to feed his sorry a$$. Then she found out what his ACTUAL motive was (in addition to a free meal). LS told Ellen what SHE needed to get Marilyn and Lenny for Christmas.



Are you ready for this?????



An elliptical; now for those of you that are unsure of what this is, it’s an exercise machine that is sort of like a combination of a treadmill and stairmaster. Just do a google search and you can see pictures of one.



Now, what makes this absolutely ridiculous is the fact that Marilyn is in absolutely NO shape to be using an elliptical because she’s barely able to walk across the room. Remember how Tim Conway played that old man that could only walk one inch for each step he took? Well, that’s Marilyn. As for Lenny, he couldn’t even begin to figure out how to turn the elliptical on.



So, obviously, the person actually wanting the elliptical was (give up?)….LS!!!!! (You get a cookie!)



Now…any RATIONAL person (such as myself) would have said “Have you got batsh*t for brains? Marilyn would break her neck on that thing and Lenny wouldn’t have the foggiest idea as to what to do with it. Here’s a better idea. Go take your paycheck and buy a gift card to Ingle’s with it and give it to them since they have to buy groceries every week to feed your sorry a$$. Here's an even BETTER idea! How 'bout we take your paycheck and buy Grandma a dishwasher since you never offer to wash them yourself or buy Grandpa a riding lawnmower since you're too lazy to take your sorry a$$ outside an mow their lawn even though you ARE living there rent free and all." That's just me.



But…this is Ellen, my cousin, that we are talking about and Ellen doesn’t have the sense God gave a dead billy goat. So, Ellen says…”Why that sounds like a SUPER idea!”



So Ellen goes on the internet and promptly nearly poops her pants when she finds out how much these things cost. But Ellen, using that college edumucation of hers, decides she can defray the cost if she can get her two brothers and her sister to go in with her. She wound up finding a used one online for about $500.



She calls her younger brother first. One thing about this particular brother is that he is extremely stingy. If you tell him that something is going to cost him about five dollars and it winds up costing $5.01, you are really going to be in for some grilling about how come it’s costing him MORE than five dollars.



His response to her? “I don’t even know what that is” and hung up on her. So younger brother is now on Ellen’s sh*t list.



I can imagine my uncle sitting politely listening to her prattle on and on and waiting for her to leave so he can pick up the phone and relay the latest LS chronicles to my dad. But wait….THERE’S MORE!!!



Ellen was all in a tizzy because Marilyn was back over at the house about to worry herself to death. Apparently, LS had invited his girlfriend (yeah…he has one….go figure!) over Christmas Eve and Marilyn was concerned that what she had to eat was not going to be “good enough” for her. And Ellen was all worked up because since they didn’t know that she was going to be there, they didn’t have any Christmas presents for her to open up and it just “wouldn’t be right” for everyone else to be opening up stuff and her not having ANYTHING so Ellen was going to have to go out to town and buy her some stuff to open.



More clarification, here…


a) If LS invited her over for Christmas Eve at the last minute, then I’ll be durned if I would worry about what I’m serving being “good enough” for her.


b) Since LS invited her over for Christmas Eve, then it would seem to be that if ANYONE needed to be getting her a Christmas present, it would be LS….not Ellen and not Marilyn!!!!



So, Ellen leaves my uncle’s house to go get last minute presents and Lord knows what else and my uncle gets on the phone to give my dad the breaking news.



I’m tired of typing, so tune in later on and I’ll have the Christmas Day hijinks!!!!