OK....I took a break for the holidays, so sue me. Actually, just like before, there was nothing much going on except for the stress of one project at work, I had a cold that I had a time getting over, busy Christmas shopping, etc.
But....now I'm off until January 2, 2009....I've slept late, vegged out, unwound, and I'm back and ready to go.
As for news, Christmas was good. I got some good stuff, had fun with family, had fun with the dogs, and it's been good just to think about nothing for a change.
I saw "Marley and Me" yesterday. (I won't spoil it, but if you have not read the book, bring tissues.) It wasn't the movie I wanted to see. I actually wanted to see either "Frost/Nixon" or "Gran Torino" but since neither of them star Larry The Cable Guy, they won't be playing at the Paulding Metro Mont. So that means I have to venture into Cobb County if I want to see either of them.
Speaking of "Gran Torino", one of the cable movie channels is doing a "Countdown With Clint" moviethon on New Year's Eve! Just think! Wall to Wall Clint Eastwood! I'm hoping they show the entire Dirty Harry series along with "Play Misty For Me", "Bronco Billy", and "Honkeytonk Man". Those are my favorite Clint flicks. But it looks like it is going to be "Heartbreak Ridge", "Josie Wales", "Fistful of Dollars" and "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly". I like the Spaghetti Westerns, but I'm a sucker for Harry Callahan! But, I'm just happy spending New Year's Eve with Clint.
So that brings us to today. Today was my brother Ron's 50th birthday. I went to Publix and ordered a NASCAR cake for him. I started to have a Hannah Montana cake done, but I decided that since 50 was a pretty big occasion, I'd go with NASCAR. We all met over at my parents house, had a party, then adjourned to the living room to talk.
I got a little bored, so I got on my dad's computer and started looking for message boards and review sites.
Don't ask me why or how, but I began looking for the reviews of "The Snuggie". Snuggies, for the uninitiated, is the latest POC (Piece of Crap) that "As Seen On TV" offers up as a gift idea. For all intensive purposes, if you own a robe, then put it on backwards....you now own a Snuggie! (And I just saved you $19.95!) It turns out, the Snuggie has undergone an evolution of sorts. A few years ago, it was being sold as a POC called "The Slanket". Go figure.
My brother and I had a grand ole time reading some of the reviews of the various infomercials. My sisters-in-law just could not understand why we were laughing so hard. So I'm putting this up to a vote. Are we weird or are these just not absolutely hysterical?
Informercial Reviews of Nads, My Lil Reminder, Listen Up, and Magic Bullet.
(The review of Listen Up had my brother and me crying, we were laughing so hard.)
Now, here's a review of Magic Bullet To Go. I haven't actually seen this one, but I have seen it's predecessor. This review is absolutely priceless....especially the comments about Berman and Hazel "doin' it". (I'm with the crew on this....eewwww. )
Magic Bullet To Go Review
I like this gem from the Original Magic Bullet Review:
"Here's an idea for a Magic Bullet recipe: Blend together some garlic, gin, and stale cigarette ash, and you'll have a good idea of what it's like to French kiss Hazel." (ewww..!)
On this same site, I found this goldmine! (I had no idea Richard Simmons was into dolls!)
...check out the review of "Lillian, Belle of the Ball".
Richard Simmons Dolls
Wow....just wow....This apparently is an actual product!
So it is this one.....(I haven't seen this product, but if the actual infomercial is anything like the review, then this is just sick.)
A review of "The Snuggie"
Now, this is just pathetic!!!!!! The Cathy Mitchell Fan Club
Scratch that....this is even MORE pathetic!!!! Magic Bullet Fan Fiction
Let's switch over to "real" tv.
How about some serious "Little House on The Prairie" debate? Did Alice Garvey really use Mary and Adam's baby as a battering ram to escape the Blind School fire? Did Sylvia getting raped by the clown cause YOU to be scared of clowns? Did you wonder why the "Big Hair" of the 1980's was the rage in the 1870's? Did it tick you off that Michael Landon recycled old Bonanza scripts into LHOTP episodes? Did it tick you off that the TV version of LHOTP was nothing like the actual books and did you wonder if Michael Landon actually READ the books before producing this show? Check out Laura's teeth in the first three seasons of LHOTP and compare them to the last two seasons. Now answer this question: Who owned the Little Orthodontist's Office on the Prairie?
These are among the many topics discussed: Little House on the Prairie Review comments
Here's one of my favorites; the episode recaps of 7th Heaven: Television Without Pity
Again, maybe it's just that my brother and I have a sick sense of humor. But after reading these sites, I don't think we are alone.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
My New Favorite Song!
Been sick, been busy, and been-jaminless (aka, no Benjamin updates.....yet.)
It's a catchy little tune that I just can't get out of my head.
It's a catchy little tune that I just can't get out of my head.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Kiddie Games
When I was a kid, we played all of the usual games. But sometimes we made up our own rules out of necessity or just because.
Take baseball, for instance. We never seemed to be able to round up enough kids to play a baseball game in someone's back yard. So we added certain "incentives". Usually, it went something like this:
"Your team can bat first."
"Well....I don't know. It's almost time for Officer Don's Clubhouse."
"OK...how 'bout you get four outs instead of three."
"Hmmmm...."
"Oh....come on! How 'bout you get four strikes to an out instead of three?"
"OK!............."
This usually worked for circumstances such as it was too hot outside, one team had one person less than the other, or the team you were on was crappy to begin with.
Then there were the "ghost men". Since usually each team might have only three players on it, you might be on base when it came your turn to bat. So what you had to do was call "ghost man" on whatever base you were on. If you got a hit, your ghost man automatically advanced to the next base. The downside was that you could never tag a ghost man out, because after all....he was a ghost man. (That rule really sucked.)
Monopoly
We loved playing Monopoly as kids....but the problem was that it took so long to play. One evening, my brothers and I started up a game. We set it up on our living room floor and began playing.
Well, before long, it came time for bed and we were no where NEAR finished with the game. So, we talked our mom into letting us leave the board out on the floor so we could pick up where we left off the next morning.
Off to bed we went. Did I mention that we had a little dog? Well, we did. Her name was Lady and she was housetrained.
However, for whatever reason she felt the need to "go" in the middle of the night after everyone had gone to bed. And she "went" right on Pennsylvania Railroad.
From that day forward, Pennsylvania Railroad became known as "Doo Doo Spot Railroad". I think the reason is fairly obvious.
And, if you were unfortunate enough to land on "Doo Doo Spot Railroad", you could buy it for $100 instead of the actual selling price of $200. After all, it was now considered to be distressed property.
Our Car Game
This one is loosely based on the car tag game.....very loosely!
OK....before I explain this one, let me just preface this one with a little bit of background. First off, I grew up in The South. (Note the capitalization.) Secondly, this was the 60's. Lastly, I grew up in an all white neighborhood and went to an all white school. (Do you sort of get where I'm going with this?)
The name of the game was "Gotcha!". My brothers and I kept our eyes peeled for people. The first rule was the people had to be black. The second rule was the minute you saw one, you held up your hand in a grabbing motion and whispered "Gotcha!". Whoever saw the person first was the one that got to claim "Gotcha!" Whoever had the most at the end of the trip, won. No prize involved....you just got bragging rights.
It wasn't the most politically correct game in the world, but let's face it. If you are a parent driving a nine year old, an eight year old, and a five year old on a two hour trip and they are contentedly playing a nice game of "Gotcha!" versus whining over who's on who's side, she's looking at me, asking if we are almost there every five minutes, make him stop kicking me.....I think that parent would gladly say "Hey kids. Why don't y'all play Gotcha for a little while."
Take baseball, for instance. We never seemed to be able to round up enough kids to play a baseball game in someone's back yard. So we added certain "incentives". Usually, it went something like this:
"Your team can bat first."
"Well....I don't know. It's almost time for Officer Don's Clubhouse."
"OK...how 'bout you get four outs instead of three."
"Hmmmm...."
"Oh....come on! How 'bout you get four strikes to an out instead of three?"
"OK!............."
This usually worked for circumstances such as it was too hot outside, one team had one person less than the other, or the team you were on was crappy to begin with.
Then there were the "ghost men". Since usually each team might have only three players on it, you might be on base when it came your turn to bat. So what you had to do was call "ghost man" on whatever base you were on. If you got a hit, your ghost man automatically advanced to the next base. The downside was that you could never tag a ghost man out, because after all....he was a ghost man. (That rule really sucked.)
Monopoly
We loved playing Monopoly as kids....but the problem was that it took so long to play. One evening, my brothers and I started up a game. We set it up on our living room floor and began playing.
Well, before long, it came time for bed and we were no where NEAR finished with the game. So, we talked our mom into letting us leave the board out on the floor so we could pick up where we left off the next morning.
Off to bed we went. Did I mention that we had a little dog? Well, we did. Her name was Lady and she was housetrained.
However, for whatever reason she felt the need to "go" in the middle of the night after everyone had gone to bed. And she "went" right on Pennsylvania Railroad.
From that day forward, Pennsylvania Railroad became known as "Doo Doo Spot Railroad". I think the reason is fairly obvious.
And, if you were unfortunate enough to land on "Doo Doo Spot Railroad", you could buy it for $100 instead of the actual selling price of $200. After all, it was now considered to be distressed property.
Our Car Game
This one is loosely based on the car tag game.....very loosely!
OK....before I explain this one, let me just preface this one with a little bit of background. First off, I grew up in The South. (Note the capitalization.) Secondly, this was the 60's. Lastly, I grew up in an all white neighborhood and went to an all white school. (Do you sort of get where I'm going with this?)
The name of the game was "Gotcha!". My brothers and I kept our eyes peeled for people. The first rule was the people had to be black. The second rule was the minute you saw one, you held up your hand in a grabbing motion and whispered "Gotcha!". Whoever saw the person first was the one that got to claim "Gotcha!" Whoever had the most at the end of the trip, won. No prize involved....you just got bragging rights.
It wasn't the most politically correct game in the world, but let's face it. If you are a parent driving a nine year old, an eight year old, and a five year old on a two hour trip and they are contentedly playing a nice game of "Gotcha!" versus whining over who's on who's side, she's looking at me, asking if we are almost there every five minutes, make him stop kicking me.....I think that parent would gladly say "Hey kids. Why don't y'all play Gotcha for a little while."
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Roundup
The Election
It's over. My guy didn't win. It's gonna be a L-O-N-G four years. Some wise person once said "Sometime's you have to suffer through a Jimmy Carter before you can get a Ronald Reagan."
My Thirty Year High School Reunion
I decided to go. My observations:
1. D@mn! Some of y'all got old!
2. No big surprises. Anyone that was in the closet stayed in or stayed home. Everyone that was a guy when I graduated was still a guy and everyone that was a girl when I graduated was still a girl.
3. To the organizers: Next time, you might want to consider not opening the cash bar until *AFTER* the class picture has been taken.
4. To the class picture photographer: I guess it was a good idea to take 6 pictures after all. (I was afraid to look....did Jimmy, Ray, and Randy really hang a moon in the last picture?)
5. Funniest Moment: When Roger nominated Larry as "Least Changed Female".
6. Best Surprise: Seeing Mrs. Kolter! Best English teacher ever and still just as sweet.
7. Huh?: I looked in the class directory and noticed the majority of addresses were in Acworth, Marietta, Hiram, Dallas, Douglasville. And the reunion was at the Hilton in NORCROSS????
8. What y'all waiting on?: To the few that are still living in Mableton and Austell, I have but one question. WHY?????
9. Second funniest moment: OK...this one takes some explaining. Two classmates had gotten married about 20 years ago and got divorced about 15 years ago. The guy was there with his current wife. Someone asked him if his ex was coming. He said, "I'll tell you EXACTLY what she told me. She said....and I quote.....I didn't like a lot of those folks when I was GOING to school so WHY would I want to PAY to see them now?" The person that asked the question said "Well, screw her!" Current wife says, "Why don't I call her so you can tell her in person?" Ex-husband agrees to it and gathers 20 or so people over while current wife dials the phone. Connie answers...Randy says "I'm here at the reunion and everyone here wants to tell you something" then holds up the phone. Crowd shouts "SCREW YOU!" (It was a joke....Connie thought it was hysterical....but I'm sure Randy and Dana will pay for it later.)
10. All in all.....I'm glad I went.
It's over. My guy didn't win. It's gonna be a L-O-N-G four years. Some wise person once said "Sometime's you have to suffer through a Jimmy Carter before you can get a Ronald Reagan."
My Thirty Year High School Reunion
I decided to go. My observations:
1. D@mn! Some of y'all got old!
2. No big surprises. Anyone that was in the closet stayed in or stayed home. Everyone that was a guy when I graduated was still a guy and everyone that was a girl when I graduated was still a girl.
3. To the organizers: Next time, you might want to consider not opening the cash bar until *AFTER* the class picture has been taken.
4. To the class picture photographer: I guess it was a good idea to take 6 pictures after all. (I was afraid to look....did Jimmy, Ray, and Randy really hang a moon in the last picture?)
5. Funniest Moment: When Roger nominated Larry as "Least Changed Female".
6. Best Surprise: Seeing Mrs. Kolter! Best English teacher ever and still just as sweet.
7. Huh?: I looked in the class directory and noticed the majority of addresses were in Acworth, Marietta, Hiram, Dallas, Douglasville. And the reunion was at the Hilton in NORCROSS????
8. What y'all waiting on?: To the few that are still living in Mableton and Austell, I have but one question. WHY?????
9. Second funniest moment: OK...this one takes some explaining. Two classmates had gotten married about 20 years ago and got divorced about 15 years ago. The guy was there with his current wife. Someone asked him if his ex was coming. He said, "I'll tell you EXACTLY what she told me. She said....and I quote.....I didn't like a lot of those folks when I was GOING to school so WHY would I want to PAY to see them now?" The person that asked the question said "Well, screw her!" Current wife says, "Why don't I call her so you can tell her in person?" Ex-husband agrees to it and gathers 20 or so people over while current wife dials the phone. Connie answers...Randy says "I'm here at the reunion and everyone here wants to tell you something" then holds up the phone. Crowd shouts "SCREW YOU!" (It was a joke....Connie thought it was hysterical....but I'm sure Randy and Dana will pay for it later.)
10. All in all.....I'm glad I went.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
The Deer Hunter
I have an uncle....(yes, it's the one I've spoken of MANY times). One of the things about him is that when he takes an interest in something, it becomes an obsession. An obsession to the point that it begins to become downright annoying to others.
That brings us to this story.
I was probably about 9 or 10 when Benny discovered deer hunting. On almost every visit we made to Elberton that year, Benny spent the bulk of it in the woods.
My grandparents had a spread of about 40 acres. They had about a five acre pasture, another couple acres of a yard, another acre or so was devoted to gardening and another few acres contained an orchard. The rest was wooded land. And this was where Benny began planning for the big day.....aka "The First Day of Deer Season."
He began early in the spring.....going deep down in the woods, looking for signs of deer. He would come back and describe in great detail his findings.
We heard about the marks on the trees where the bucks would come to scrape their antlers.
We heard about the tracks he saw and how far into the woods he had followed them.
We heard all about the deer crap he saw. He'd describe the color, the shape, the size, and whether it was fresh or not. He could tell us what the deer had for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and what he had been snacking on. All the stuff you really want to hear about at dinner.
Spring moved into summer, and then more astute planning began. Millet and salt licks were placed strategically around the places that had the most deer crap. According to Benny, it appeared as though there were about 5 or 6 regular visitors to this deer toilet in the woods.
How he determined that there were 5 or 6, I'm not sure because obviously DNA testing was not available at that time. So I just took his word for it.
Eventually, it came time to build the deer stand. This was BEFORE the concept of portable stands, so it involved lugging lumber and plywood deep into the woods and constructing a seat that would allow you to perch in a tree high enough to allow you to view into the surrounding woods and hopefully bag the big one.
This was something that could not be done alone. So, with the help (and bribery) of my brother and cousin, the deer stands were built. Note that I said stands as in plural. This was part of the bribery.
Benny could not build the deer stands alone. Since Ron and Fred were the only ones willing to help him, the only way they would do it was if they were allowed to go hunting with Benny. Keep in mind that they were both about 12 at the time.
Benny reluctantly agreed to this arrangement. He thought that it would work out ok. He figured that once he woke them up at 4am they would immediately roll over and go back to sleep. Even if they got up, when they realized that it was about 40 degrees, they'd run back in the house and pile back up in the bed.
But Benny underestimated 2 twelve year old boys that really, really wanted to go down in the woods to kill a deer.
As the day drew closer, the salt licks were removed. Guns were cleaned and ammunition was readied.
So, the day finally came. The evening before, Benny told the boys that they needed to be on the stand by 4:30. So they had to be dressed and ready to go by 4am.
It was going to be cold, so they had to dress warm. ALL preparations HAD to be done before they went to bed on Friday, because he wanted to leave just as soon as he got dressed. (He figured if he made it as uncomfortable for them as possible, they'd just say never mind....it didn't happen.)
So Saturday finally arrived. By 4am, Benny, Ron, and Fred were on their way to their deer stands.
Benny put Ron on his stand first, then he got Fred situated. Then he went back to the car, got his Thermos of coffee and his rifle, walked back down into the woods, climbed on his deer stand and waited.
Then off in the distance, he heard something.
He put down his coffee and listened.
"Benny" the voice said. Benny knew who it was and he decided to ignore it.
"Benny" the voice said, again. Only this time, it was a little more pathetic.
"Ronald," Benny whispered loudly. "Shut UP! You're going to scare the deer off."
"But, Benny.....I'm cold."
"Too bad. I told you and Freddie both last night this was the way it was going to be and this was EXACTLY why I didn't want y'all to come."
"OK.....so when do we get to go home?"
"Just be quiet.....OK?"
All was quiet....for about 5 minutes.
Then Benny heard something.
He put down his coffee and listened.
"Benny" the voice said.
"Benny" the voice said, again. This was even more pathetic than before.
"Good Lord! I give up! I'm taking BOTH of y'all home and I don't EVER want you to ask me to take you hunting again. Let's go get Freddie."
So, Benny stomped off into the woods, got Ron off his stand, and they walked along to where Fred's deer stand was. There was a problem, though. Fred was nowhere to be found.
Benny called him, but there was no answer. Dawn was just beginning to break. It was too far for Fred to have walked home and much too cold. They didn't know if Fred had just wandered off in the woods for a bathroom break or what. But it didn't matter because between both Fred and Ron, they had both really messed up the day that Benny had been waiting for for so long.
Benny told Ron they'd go to the car, get back to my grandparents' house to pick up my grandfather, then they'd have to come back DOWN to the woods to begin looking for Freddie. Benny was NOT happy.
They walked through the woods and finally came to the car.....which was running. Benny was quite pi$$ed at this point. Sound asleep, in the front seat, sat Fred.
Benny flung open the door. Fred woke up, and asked Benny if he had got a deer.
"NO!!!!! And just how long have you been in this car?"
"Oh...I don't know....about an hour or so," said Fred.
"Why weren't you on that deer stand?"
"Because it was cold! After you left me, I just climbed back down, walked back to the car and went to sleep."
"Look, I told both of y'all last night it was going to be cold, but both of you just insisted on coming. Why didn't you just stay home?"
Fred said "You said it was going to be cold, but you didn't say it was going to be THIS cold. If you had told us it was going to be REALLY cold, then we probably WOULD have stayed at home."
"That's right", Ron said. "So, it really is all YOUR fault."
Needless to say, Ron and Fred never again went on a hunting trip with Benny.
That brings us to this story.
I was probably about 9 or 10 when Benny discovered deer hunting. On almost every visit we made to Elberton that year, Benny spent the bulk of it in the woods.
My grandparents had a spread of about 40 acres. They had about a five acre pasture, another couple acres of a yard, another acre or so was devoted to gardening and another few acres contained an orchard. The rest was wooded land. And this was where Benny began planning for the big day.....aka "The First Day of Deer Season."
He began early in the spring.....going deep down in the woods, looking for signs of deer. He would come back and describe in great detail his findings.
We heard about the marks on the trees where the bucks would come to scrape their antlers.
We heard about the tracks he saw and how far into the woods he had followed them.
We heard all about the deer crap he saw. He'd describe the color, the shape, the size, and whether it was fresh or not. He could tell us what the deer had for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and what he had been snacking on. All the stuff you really want to hear about at dinner.
Spring moved into summer, and then more astute planning began. Millet and salt licks were placed strategically around the places that had the most deer crap. According to Benny, it appeared as though there were about 5 or 6 regular visitors to this deer toilet in the woods.
How he determined that there were 5 or 6, I'm not sure because obviously DNA testing was not available at that time. So I just took his word for it.
Eventually, it came time to build the deer stand. This was BEFORE the concept of portable stands, so it involved lugging lumber and plywood deep into the woods and constructing a seat that would allow you to perch in a tree high enough to allow you to view into the surrounding woods and hopefully bag the big one.
This was something that could not be done alone. So, with the help (and bribery) of my brother and cousin, the deer stands were built. Note that I said stands as in plural. This was part of the bribery.
Benny could not build the deer stands alone. Since Ron and Fred were the only ones willing to help him, the only way they would do it was if they were allowed to go hunting with Benny. Keep in mind that they were both about 12 at the time.
Benny reluctantly agreed to this arrangement. He thought that it would work out ok. He figured that once he woke them up at 4am they would immediately roll over and go back to sleep. Even if they got up, when they realized that it was about 40 degrees, they'd run back in the house and pile back up in the bed.
But Benny underestimated 2 twelve year old boys that really, really wanted to go down in the woods to kill a deer.
As the day drew closer, the salt licks were removed. Guns were cleaned and ammunition was readied.
So, the day finally came. The evening before, Benny told the boys that they needed to be on the stand by 4:30. So they had to be dressed and ready to go by 4am.
It was going to be cold, so they had to dress warm. ALL preparations HAD to be done before they went to bed on Friday, because he wanted to leave just as soon as he got dressed. (He figured if he made it as uncomfortable for them as possible, they'd just say never mind....it didn't happen.)
So Saturday finally arrived. By 4am, Benny, Ron, and Fred were on their way to their deer stands.
Benny put Ron on his stand first, then he got Fred situated. Then he went back to the car, got his Thermos of coffee and his rifle, walked back down into the woods, climbed on his deer stand and waited.
Then off in the distance, he heard something.
He put down his coffee and listened.
"Benny" the voice said. Benny knew who it was and he decided to ignore it.
"Benny" the voice said, again. Only this time, it was a little more pathetic.
"Ronald," Benny whispered loudly. "Shut UP! You're going to scare the deer off."
"But, Benny.....I'm cold."
"Too bad. I told you and Freddie both last night this was the way it was going to be and this was EXACTLY why I didn't want y'all to come."
"OK.....so when do we get to go home?"
"Just be quiet.....OK?"
All was quiet....for about 5 minutes.
Then Benny heard something.
He put down his coffee and listened.
"Benny" the voice said.
"Benny" the voice said, again. This was even more pathetic than before.
"Good Lord! I give up! I'm taking BOTH of y'all home and I don't EVER want you to ask me to take you hunting again. Let's go get Freddie."
So, Benny stomped off into the woods, got Ron off his stand, and they walked along to where Fred's deer stand was. There was a problem, though. Fred was nowhere to be found.
Benny called him, but there was no answer. Dawn was just beginning to break. It was too far for Fred to have walked home and much too cold. They didn't know if Fred had just wandered off in the woods for a bathroom break or what. But it didn't matter because between both Fred and Ron, they had both really messed up the day that Benny had been waiting for for so long.
Benny told Ron they'd go to the car, get back to my grandparents' house to pick up my grandfather, then they'd have to come back DOWN to the woods to begin looking for Freddie. Benny was NOT happy.
They walked through the woods and finally came to the car.....which was running. Benny was quite pi$$ed at this point. Sound asleep, in the front seat, sat Fred.
Benny flung open the door. Fred woke up, and asked Benny if he had got a deer.
"NO!!!!! And just how long have you been in this car?"
"Oh...I don't know....about an hour or so," said Fred.
"Why weren't you on that deer stand?"
"Because it was cold! After you left me, I just climbed back down, walked back to the car and went to sleep."
"Look, I told both of y'all last night it was going to be cold, but both of you just insisted on coming. Why didn't you just stay home?"
Fred said "You said it was going to be cold, but you didn't say it was going to be THIS cold. If you had told us it was going to be REALLY cold, then we probably WOULD have stayed at home."
"That's right", Ron said. "So, it really is all YOUR fault."
Needless to say, Ron and Fred never again went on a hunting trip with Benny.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Chick Flicks.....A Girl With A Guy Mentality
An Affair to Remember
Terms of Endearment
Steel Magnolias
Sleepless in Seattle
Fried Green Tomatoes
Dirty Dancing
Pretty Woman
Imitation of Life
They all have one thing in common. They are all "chick flicks".
I remember the first time I saw each of them. It wasn't in the theatre when they were first released. It was YEARS later after they had already been on VHF, DVD, released on cable, etc.
I also remember how I felt after seeing each of them. I think it was something like "So?" After all the big buildup from friends, reviews, etc., I just didn't "get it".
I know some women that build their lives around these movies.
Cold and rainy weekend? Curl up with "Dirty Dancing".
Husband out of town? Watch "Pretty Woman", "Steel Magnolias", and "Fried Green Tomatoes".
PMS? See if "Thelma and Louise" is on.
Ticked off with husband/boyfriend? Watch "You've Got Mail" or "Sleepless in Seattle".....or "Thelma and Louise" if you're REALLY ticked.
So then I started thinking about the movies that I *DO* like. The ones that I make it a point to watch whenever they are on TV.
Cool Hand Luke: It's got everything. Prison and Paul Newman. Also, John-Boy Walton's daddy is in it. Wayne Rogers too!
Best part: When Luke bets that he can eat 50 eggs.
Saddest part: When Luke's mama dies and he has to go in the box.
Second saddest part: Luke picking the banjo and singing "Plastic Jesus" after his mama dies.
Favorite part: When Luke escapes from prison, he hears the dogs coming, and he gets two boys to get pepper so he can sprinkle it around for the dogs to inhale.
The Entire Dirty Harry Series: It's got guns and Clint Eastwood. Did I mention it has guns? And Clint Eastwood?
Best part: When Harry shoots somebody.
Favorite part: When Harry shoots somebody.
Funniest part: When Harry shoots somebody.
Bronco Billy: Another Clint Eastwood picture. It's different.
Favorite line:
Antoinette Lilly: Have you ever been married?
Bronco Billy : Sure. A long time ago.
AL: Did you love her?
BB: With all my heart. Sometimes that just isn't enough.
AL: What happened?
BB: I caught her in bed with my best friend.
AL: What did you do to him?
BB: I shot her.
AL: What! What about him?
BB: He was my best friend!
Escape from Alcatraz: Eastwood in Prison. What can I say? (Also....I think Frank Morris actually DID escape.)
Well.....let's just go ahead and say anything with Clint Eastwood is on my favorite movie list. Wait.....there is one exception. "The Bridges of Madison County. It's a chick flick. And I didn't "get it." I'm not sure what Clint was thinking there.
Patton: Patton kicked a$$. The military needs more Pattons.
Barbarella: If you want a great laugh, watch Barbarella. I bet Jane Fonda wishes she could just burn that film. Several years ago I saw her walking down the hall at Kennesaw University. She was supposed to give a lecture and they were having to BEG people to go listen to her. Sorry, but that's what she gets for going to Vietnam and having her picture taken sitting on enemy aircraft. People don't forget about things like that. One surprise, though. In person, she's TINY!!!!
The Entire Lethal Weapon Series: Guns and Mel Gibson.
Caddyshack: I love the Baby Ruth in the swimming pool scene.
Porky's: It's rude, crude, and lewd. My favorite part is the day after the shower scene when Balbricker suggests to the principal that perhaps they should get a police sketch artist in so that she could describe....well never mind. Just see the movie.
To Kill A Mockingbird: The only one that could possibly be classified as a chick flick. It was the first "real" movie that I had ever seen. By "real", I mean the first time I saw it I was about eight years old and it didn't have a cartoon character in it. I read the book every fall; for some reason, it just seems like a good fall book. My favorite part is at the very end, when the sheriff starts asking Scout about the attack on her and Jem and she realizes that the person that saved them is hiding behind the door.....and she realizes that it is Boo Radley. For some reason, I cry at that part every single time. Best Gregory Peck movie, ever.
The Bad Seed: The original black and white version....not the Blair Brown version. The original movie is so bad, it's funny. Plus the scenes with LeRoy, the handy man are just priceless! Especially when he describes the electric chair that is used for bad children.
Terms of Endearment
Steel Magnolias
Sleepless in Seattle
Fried Green Tomatoes
Dirty Dancing
Pretty Woman
Imitation of Life
They all have one thing in common. They are all "chick flicks".
I remember the first time I saw each of them. It wasn't in the theatre when they were first released. It was YEARS later after they had already been on VHF, DVD, released on cable, etc.
I also remember how I felt after seeing each of them. I think it was something like "So?" After all the big buildup from friends, reviews, etc., I just didn't "get it".
I know some women that build their lives around these movies.
Cold and rainy weekend? Curl up with "Dirty Dancing".
Husband out of town? Watch "Pretty Woman", "Steel Magnolias", and "Fried Green Tomatoes".
PMS? See if "Thelma and Louise" is on.
Ticked off with husband/boyfriend? Watch "You've Got Mail" or "Sleepless in Seattle".....or "Thelma and Louise" if you're REALLY ticked.
So then I started thinking about the movies that I *DO* like. The ones that I make it a point to watch whenever they are on TV.
Cool Hand Luke: It's got everything. Prison and Paul Newman. Also, John-Boy Walton's daddy is in it. Wayne Rogers too!
Best part: When Luke bets that he can eat 50 eggs.
Saddest part: When Luke's mama dies and he has to go in the box.
Second saddest part: Luke picking the banjo and singing "Plastic Jesus" after his mama dies.
Favorite part: When Luke escapes from prison, he hears the dogs coming, and he gets two boys to get pepper so he can sprinkle it around for the dogs to inhale.
The Entire Dirty Harry Series: It's got guns and Clint Eastwood. Did I mention it has guns? And Clint Eastwood?
Best part: When Harry shoots somebody.
Favorite part: When Harry shoots somebody.
Funniest part: When Harry shoots somebody.
Bronco Billy: Another Clint Eastwood picture. It's different.
Favorite line:
Antoinette Lilly: Have you ever been married?
Bronco Billy : Sure. A long time ago.
AL: Did you love her?
BB: With all my heart. Sometimes that just isn't enough.
AL: What happened?
BB: I caught her in bed with my best friend.
AL: What did you do to him?
BB: I shot her.
AL: What! What about him?
BB: He was my best friend!
Escape from Alcatraz: Eastwood in Prison. What can I say? (Also....I think Frank Morris actually DID escape.)
Well.....let's just go ahead and say anything with Clint Eastwood is on my favorite movie list. Wait.....there is one exception. "The Bridges of Madison County. It's a chick flick. And I didn't "get it." I'm not sure what Clint was thinking there.
Patton: Patton kicked a$$. The military needs more Pattons.
Barbarella: If you want a great laugh, watch Barbarella. I bet Jane Fonda wishes she could just burn that film. Several years ago I saw her walking down the hall at Kennesaw University. She was supposed to give a lecture and they were having to BEG people to go listen to her. Sorry, but that's what she gets for going to Vietnam and having her picture taken sitting on enemy aircraft. People don't forget about things like that. One surprise, though. In person, she's TINY!!!!
The Entire Lethal Weapon Series: Guns and Mel Gibson.
Caddyshack: I love the Baby Ruth in the swimming pool scene.
Porky's: It's rude, crude, and lewd. My favorite part is the day after the shower scene when Balbricker suggests to the principal that perhaps they should get a police sketch artist in so that she could describe....well never mind. Just see the movie.
To Kill A Mockingbird: The only one that could possibly be classified as a chick flick. It was the first "real" movie that I had ever seen. By "real", I mean the first time I saw it I was about eight years old and it didn't have a cartoon character in it. I read the book every fall; for some reason, it just seems like a good fall book. My favorite part is at the very end, when the sheriff starts asking Scout about the attack on her and Jem and she realizes that the person that saved them is hiding behind the door.....and she realizes that it is Boo Radley. For some reason, I cry at that part every single time. Best Gregory Peck movie, ever.
The Bad Seed: The original black and white version....not the Blair Brown version. The original movie is so bad, it's funny. Plus the scenes with LeRoy, the handy man are just priceless! Especially when he describes the electric chair that is used for bad children.
Friday, October 24, 2008
The Legend of Bumpers
Prologue:
Once upon a time, in the mid to late 80's, there was a bar located in the corner of Akers Mill Shopping Center. It was known as Bumpers. It was your basic, run of the mill bar. At that time, this bar did what ever other bar did to try to attract patrons: they had a ladies night and two for 1 drinks.
This is the story of five co-workers and their adventures at Bumpers.
Story:
At this particular time, I was working for a software company on Fulton Industrial Boulevard. Our office consisted of roughly 30 or so employees. More than half of the staff were between 19 and 30 years old. Most of the employees in this age range were either programmers or customer support specialists.
I was in my mid 20's at the time and single.
Steve was a programmer that sat at the table next to mine. He was a few years older than I, had recently gone through a nasty divorce, and as he put it, "moved from Indiana to Georgia to get away from that *itch." He was a nice enough guy and loved good practical jokes, so he and I got along great.
Andra was another programmer. To be perfectly honest, I think she was in the wrong profession. She would have made a great "bad guy" lady wrestler or one of those mean ladies on the Roller Derby. She was about 6 foot 2, a couple years older than I, she had a perpetual scowl, and had absolutely no sense of humor. Steve said she had a terminal case of PMS. Because of that, she made an ideal practical joke victim. She was single. Steve and I could never figure out why.
Cindi was a computer operator. She was about five feet tall and married. Keith (another programmer) always said that she was about as useful as "t*ts on a bore hog". Keith had a way of cutting through the crap. Cindi was nice and for whatever reason, she and Andra became buddies.
Becky was a customer support rep. Becky was what we called "ditzy" and she lived in her own little world. She was single and lived with her brother at Riverbend apartments. When I say she was single, she was a "swinging single". By that I mean when I left work, I went home. When Becky left work, her day was just beginning. She might go to the gym, and after that go out to eat, and after that go see a movie, and after that, stop by a bar, and after all of that, THEN go home. Then get up a few hours later and do a repeat.
Becky's brother Dan was something else. He was good looking, but in an odd sort of way. He had brown hair that was afro-ed up (that was the style then) and he had sort of a funny looking nose. It kind of gave his face "character".
Unlike Becky, Dan did not have a steady job; he worked at whatever he could get and even then it was only when he got tired of Becky nagging him that she was having to pay all the bills. In the time that I knew him, he had worked hanging drywall, painting, mowing lawns, and managed a stripper.
He would work for a few weeks at a given job and "something" would happen (although it was NEVER Dan's fault) and he would quit (or get fired) and he would take some time off to "clear his head". "Time off" would be several months; Becky would begin telling him to get a job, and he would begin a new career. Eventually, he began a career at Bumpers and that was how we all became acquainted with this place.
Becky made it a point to tell everyone that Dan was working at Bumpers and we should all stop in sometime. I think part of the reason was since Dan was tending bar, we'd be tipping, and hopefully she could recover whatever money he owed her faster.
Bumpers eventually decided to do something to draw a crowd. They began having a "Ladies Night 2-Fer" on Thursdays.....along with Chippendale's type dancers. These dancers weren't real live Chippendale's guys.....these were the male employees of Bumpers that were good looking enough to pass for Chippendale's guys with dancing abilities.
Andra had somewhat of a crush on Dan, so she conned Cindi into going over to Bumpers one night. Steve and I heard all about it (more than we wanted to) the next day.
Shortly thereafter, Andra and Cindi became regular Thursday night patrons of Bumpers. They made it a point to let us all know that they were on a first name basis with ALL of the dancers, they had their own reserved table, the waiters knew what they drank and they kept their drinks coming. They also had to let us know how much they had to drink, how drunk they got, and how bad of a hangover they had on Friday. Not that either of us cared, but for some reason, they felt the need to tell us.
Keep in mind, Andra was already a *itch.....a drunk or hungover Andra was a *itch on steroids.
One Thursday, on the spur of the moment, Steve and I decided to play spy. We decided to go to Bumpers just to see these two in action. We left work early, got a bite to eat, then went over to Bumpers so that we could get a table where we would not be seen, but we could see all the action.
When we went in, we saw a table marked as "Reserved", so we got a booth across the room so we could see the action.
In a little while, Andra and Cindi walked in carrying two large bags. They sat at the reserved table and began unloading their stash. They apparently had stopped at a store and had bought bags of candy. Lots of candy.
Steve and I just looked at each other, then looked at them. Then we heard Andra yell out "Hey Kelly....I bought your favorites!" A muscular, blond guy in a tight tshirt and tight black pants walked over and looked at the candy. He spoke with Andra and Cindi, selected several pieces of candy, then said he had to get ready and left.
Andra then called out "Yoo-hoo! Dan! I bought you some Almond Joys."
Steve looked at me; I looked at Steve and said "My God. They brought bait."
Steve laughed and said "You know what? That really is a little sick when you think about it. Come here little boy.....I have candy."
We sat there and watched as dancers came out of the woodwork. As soon as one appeared, Andra would call him just like a hunter calling a turkey and give him some candy. Eventually, word got out to everyone that Andra and Cindi had candy.
Andra and Cindi reminded me of hunters that leave the feeders out for deer. The deer come up to the feeders and eat corn all summer long. A few days before hunting season, the hunters take the feeders away. The deer shows up looking for the corn. Then on Saturday morning, first day of hunting season....KABLOOEE!!
The deer "gets it", the meat winds up in the freezer and the head winds up above the hunter's fireplace.
Andra and Cindi were baiting a field; Steve and I felt sorry for these unsuspecting deer....I mean dancers.
Around 9 or so, they announced that the "show" was about to start.
Andra and Cindi opened their purses in unison and they each drew out a stack of bills. There had to be at least 100 bills between the two of them on that table.
The lights went down, techno-disco music began playing, and strobe lights began flashing.
The announcer yelled "Ladies.....Get Down with Jack Hammer" as this guy appeared out of nowhere, bumping and grinding all over the place. He'd see a woman, gyrate in front of her until she stuffed a buck in his shorts, then he'd go over to another woman.
I told Steve that if he came over to our booth, that I wanted Steve to jump up and stuff a buck in his shorts because I thought it would be funny. Steve didn't.
JAck worked his way over to Andra and Cindi's table, did his little gyration in front of each of them, and they each stuffed a buck in his shorts. As he danced away, Andra yelled "Wait!!"
He danced and gyrated back to her table. Steve said "Don't tell me she's calling him back so she can dig for change." (That caused me to choke on my Coke!)
Instead...she apparently had requested a longer "viewing" and for every minute he danced in front of them, he got a buck....and in return, they each got a kiss.....and not on the cheek!
Steve yelled out "NOOO!!!! DON'T DO IT!!!", but no one heard because the music was so loud.
Now, think about this for a minute. You've got a guy that is dancing and gyrating around in a bar filled with about 60 women.....and about 75% or more of them are going to be stuffing dollars in his shorts and giving EACH ONE these women kisses....and not on the cheek! Now multiply that by about five or six dancers and what do you get? A plethera of undiscovered germs and diseases just waiting to be placed into a petri dish and whisked off to the CDC to become a new and exciting STD.
Eventually, the dancer danced himself out.
Then the announcer yelled out "Give it up for Rod Steel!" Becky's brother jumped across the bar, ripped off his tshirt, ripped up his pants to reveal black bikini underwear, and began to dance and gyrate just like his pal "Jack Hammer" had done earlier. Steve and I watched in amazement as Andra and Cindi began stuffing bills in Dan...er I mean Rod's shorts. This routine went on and on.
We watched "Anaconda", "The Hose", and "Buck Bone" perform the same routine. When the announcer called out for "Vick the Stick", Steve and I decided it was time to leave.
Epilogue:
That was our first and last visit to Bumpers. Shortly thereafter, Cindi got a divorce, Andra got fired, Dan aka "Rod Steel" quit (or got fired depending on who was telling the story) and began a new career managing his stripper/girlfriend, and Bumpers was sold and became something else.
Another software company bought the company that Steve, Becky, and I worked for and we began working for them.
As for "Jack Hammer", "Anaconda", "The Hose", "Buck Bone", and "Vick the Stick", who knows? It's been 20 years, so maybe they are all now Wall Street financiers, stockbrokers, doctors, or lawyers.
Can you imagine? "Paging Dr. Bone. Dr. Buck Bone(snicker, snicker)....you're wanted in surgery STAT."
Naaaa........
Once upon a time, in the mid to late 80's, there was a bar located in the corner of Akers Mill Shopping Center. It was known as Bumpers. It was your basic, run of the mill bar. At that time, this bar did what ever other bar did to try to attract patrons: they had a ladies night and two for 1 drinks.
This is the story of five co-workers and their adventures at Bumpers.
Story:
At this particular time, I was working for a software company on Fulton Industrial Boulevard. Our office consisted of roughly 30 or so employees. More than half of the staff were between 19 and 30 years old. Most of the employees in this age range were either programmers or customer support specialists.
I was in my mid 20's at the time and single.
Steve was a programmer that sat at the table next to mine. He was a few years older than I, had recently gone through a nasty divorce, and as he put it, "moved from Indiana to Georgia to get away from that *itch." He was a nice enough guy and loved good practical jokes, so he and I got along great.
Andra was another programmer. To be perfectly honest, I think she was in the wrong profession. She would have made a great "bad guy" lady wrestler or one of those mean ladies on the Roller Derby. She was about 6 foot 2, a couple years older than I, she had a perpetual scowl, and had absolutely no sense of humor. Steve said she had a terminal case of PMS. Because of that, she made an ideal practical joke victim. She was single. Steve and I could never figure out why.
Cindi was a computer operator. She was about five feet tall and married. Keith (another programmer) always said that she was about as useful as "t*ts on a bore hog". Keith had a way of cutting through the crap. Cindi was nice and for whatever reason, she and Andra became buddies.
Becky was a customer support rep. Becky was what we called "ditzy" and she lived in her own little world. She was single and lived with her brother at Riverbend apartments. When I say she was single, she was a "swinging single". By that I mean when I left work, I went home. When Becky left work, her day was just beginning. She might go to the gym, and after that go out to eat, and after that go see a movie, and after that, stop by a bar, and after all of that, THEN go home. Then get up a few hours later and do a repeat.
Becky's brother Dan was something else. He was good looking, but in an odd sort of way. He had brown hair that was afro-ed up (that was the style then) and he had sort of a funny looking nose. It kind of gave his face "character".
Unlike Becky, Dan did not have a steady job; he worked at whatever he could get and even then it was only when he got tired of Becky nagging him that she was having to pay all the bills. In the time that I knew him, he had worked hanging drywall, painting, mowing lawns, and managed a stripper.
He would work for a few weeks at a given job and "something" would happen (although it was NEVER Dan's fault) and he would quit (or get fired) and he would take some time off to "clear his head". "Time off" would be several months; Becky would begin telling him to get a job, and he would begin a new career. Eventually, he began a career at Bumpers and that was how we all became acquainted with this place.
Becky made it a point to tell everyone that Dan was working at Bumpers and we should all stop in sometime. I think part of the reason was since Dan was tending bar, we'd be tipping, and hopefully she could recover whatever money he owed her faster.
Bumpers eventually decided to do something to draw a crowd. They began having a "Ladies Night 2-Fer" on Thursdays.....along with Chippendale's type dancers. These dancers weren't real live Chippendale's guys.....these were the male employees of Bumpers that were good looking enough to pass for Chippendale's guys with dancing abilities.
Andra had somewhat of a crush on Dan, so she conned Cindi into going over to Bumpers one night. Steve and I heard all about it (more than we wanted to) the next day.
Shortly thereafter, Andra and Cindi became regular Thursday night patrons of Bumpers. They made it a point to let us all know that they were on a first name basis with ALL of the dancers, they had their own reserved table, the waiters knew what they drank and they kept their drinks coming. They also had to let us know how much they had to drink, how drunk they got, and how bad of a hangover they had on Friday. Not that either of us cared, but for some reason, they felt the need to tell us.
Keep in mind, Andra was already a *itch.....a drunk or hungover Andra was a *itch on steroids.
One Thursday, on the spur of the moment, Steve and I decided to play spy. We decided to go to Bumpers just to see these two in action. We left work early, got a bite to eat, then went over to Bumpers so that we could get a table where we would not be seen, but we could see all the action.
When we went in, we saw a table marked as "Reserved", so we got a booth across the room so we could see the action.
In a little while, Andra and Cindi walked in carrying two large bags. They sat at the reserved table and began unloading their stash. They apparently had stopped at a store and had bought bags of candy. Lots of candy.
Steve and I just looked at each other, then looked at them. Then we heard Andra yell out "Hey Kelly....I bought your favorites!" A muscular, blond guy in a tight tshirt and tight black pants walked over and looked at the candy. He spoke with Andra and Cindi, selected several pieces of candy, then said he had to get ready and left.
Andra then called out "Yoo-hoo! Dan! I bought you some Almond Joys."
Steve looked at me; I looked at Steve and said "My God. They brought bait."
Steve laughed and said "You know what? That really is a little sick when you think about it. Come here little boy.....I have candy."
We sat there and watched as dancers came out of the woodwork. As soon as one appeared, Andra would call him just like a hunter calling a turkey and give him some candy. Eventually, word got out to everyone that Andra and Cindi had candy.
Andra and Cindi reminded me of hunters that leave the feeders out for deer. The deer come up to the feeders and eat corn all summer long. A few days before hunting season, the hunters take the feeders away. The deer shows up looking for the corn. Then on Saturday morning, first day of hunting season....KABLOOEE!!
The deer "gets it", the meat winds up in the freezer and the head winds up above the hunter's fireplace.
Andra and Cindi were baiting a field; Steve and I felt sorry for these unsuspecting deer....I mean dancers.
Around 9 or so, they announced that the "show" was about to start.
Andra and Cindi opened their purses in unison and they each drew out a stack of bills. There had to be at least 100 bills between the two of them on that table.
The lights went down, techno-disco music began playing, and strobe lights began flashing.
The announcer yelled "Ladies.....Get Down with Jack Hammer" as this guy appeared out of nowhere, bumping and grinding all over the place. He'd see a woman, gyrate in front of her until she stuffed a buck in his shorts, then he'd go over to another woman.
I told Steve that if he came over to our booth, that I wanted Steve to jump up and stuff a buck in his shorts because I thought it would be funny. Steve didn't.
JAck worked his way over to Andra and Cindi's table, did his little gyration in front of each of them, and they each stuffed a buck in his shorts. As he danced away, Andra yelled "Wait!!"
He danced and gyrated back to her table. Steve said "Don't tell me she's calling him back so she can dig for change." (That caused me to choke on my Coke!)
Instead...she apparently had requested a longer "viewing" and for every minute he danced in front of them, he got a buck....and in return, they each got a kiss.....and not on the cheek!
Steve yelled out "NOOO!!!! DON'T DO IT!!!", but no one heard because the music was so loud.
Now, think about this for a minute. You've got a guy that is dancing and gyrating around in a bar filled with about 60 women.....and about 75% or more of them are going to be stuffing dollars in his shorts and giving EACH ONE these women kisses....and not on the cheek! Now multiply that by about five or six dancers and what do you get? A plethera of undiscovered germs and diseases just waiting to be placed into a petri dish and whisked off to the CDC to become a new and exciting STD.
Eventually, the dancer danced himself out.
Then the announcer yelled out "Give it up for Rod Steel!" Becky's brother jumped across the bar, ripped off his tshirt, ripped up his pants to reveal black bikini underwear, and began to dance and gyrate just like his pal "Jack Hammer" had done earlier. Steve and I watched in amazement as Andra and Cindi began stuffing bills in Dan...er I mean Rod's shorts. This routine went on and on.
We watched "Anaconda", "The Hose", and "Buck Bone" perform the same routine. When the announcer called out for "Vick the Stick", Steve and I decided it was time to leave.
Epilogue:
That was our first and last visit to Bumpers. Shortly thereafter, Cindi got a divorce, Andra got fired, Dan aka "Rod Steel" quit (or got fired depending on who was telling the story) and began a new career managing his stripper/girlfriend, and Bumpers was sold and became something else.
Another software company bought the company that Steve, Becky, and I worked for and we began working for them.
As for "Jack Hammer", "Anaconda", "The Hose", "Buck Bone", and "Vick the Stick", who knows? It's been 20 years, so maybe they are all now Wall Street financiers, stockbrokers, doctors, or lawyers.
Can you imagine? "Paging Dr. Bone. Dr. Buck Bone(snicker, snicker)....you're wanted in surgery STAT."
Naaaa........
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