The Deer Hunter

I have an uncle....(yes, it's the one I've spoken of MANY times). One of the things about him is that when he takes an interest in something, it becomes an obsession. An obsession to the point that it begins to become downright annoying to others.

That brings us to this story.

I was probably about 9 or 10 when Benny discovered deer hunting. On almost every visit we made to Elberton that year, Benny spent the bulk of it in the woods.

My grandparents had a spread of about 40 acres. They had about a five acre pasture, another couple acres of a yard, another acre or so was devoted to gardening and another few acres contained an orchard. The rest was wooded land. And this was where Benny began planning for the big day.....aka "The First Day of Deer Season."

He began early in the spring.....going deep down in the woods, looking for signs of deer. He would come back and describe in great detail his findings.

We heard about the marks on the trees where the bucks would come to scrape their antlers.

We heard about the tracks he saw and how far into the woods he had followed them.

We heard all about the deer crap he saw. He'd describe the color, the shape, the size, and whether it was fresh or not. He could tell us what the deer had for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and what he had been snacking on. All the stuff you really want to hear about at dinner.

Spring moved into summer, and then more astute planning began. Millet and salt licks were placed strategically around the places that had the most deer crap. According to Benny, it appeared as though there were about 5 or 6 regular visitors to this deer toilet in the woods.

How he determined that there were 5 or 6, I'm not sure because obviously DNA testing was not available at that time. So I just took his word for it.

Eventually, it came time to build the deer stand. This was BEFORE the concept of portable stands, so it involved lugging lumber and plywood deep into the woods and constructing a seat that would allow you to perch in a tree high enough to allow you to view into the surrounding woods and hopefully bag the big one.

This was something that could not be done alone. So, with the help (and bribery) of my brother and cousin, the deer stands were built. Note that I said stands as in plural. This was part of the bribery.

Benny could not build the deer stands alone. Since Ron and Fred were the only ones willing to help him, the only way they would do it was if they were allowed to go hunting with Benny. Keep in mind that they were both about 12 at the time.

Benny reluctantly agreed to this arrangement. He thought that it would work out ok. He figured that once he woke them up at 4am they would immediately roll over and go back to sleep. Even if they got up, when they realized that it was about 40 degrees, they'd run back in the house and pile back up in the bed.

But Benny underestimated 2 twelve year old boys that really, really wanted to go down in the woods to kill a deer.

As the day drew closer, the salt licks were removed. Guns were cleaned and ammunition was readied.

So, the day finally came. The evening before, Benny told the boys that they needed to be on the stand by 4:30. So they had to be dressed and ready to go by 4am.

It was going to be cold, so they had to dress warm. ALL preparations HAD to be done before they went to bed on Friday, because he wanted to leave just as soon as he got dressed. (He figured if he made it as uncomfortable for them as possible, they'd just say never mind....it didn't happen.)

So Saturday finally arrived. By 4am, Benny, Ron, and Fred were on their way to their deer stands.

Benny put Ron on his stand first, then he got Fred situated. Then he went back to the car, got his Thermos of coffee and his rifle, walked back down into the woods, climbed on his deer stand and waited.

Then off in the distance, he heard something.

He put down his coffee and listened.

"Benny" the voice said. Benny knew who it was and he decided to ignore it.

"Benny" the voice said, again. Only this time, it was a little more pathetic.

"Ronald," Benny whispered loudly. "Shut UP! You're going to scare the deer off."

"But, Benny.....I'm cold."

"Too bad. I told you and Freddie both last night this was the way it was going to be and this was EXACTLY why I didn't want y'all to come."

"OK.....so when do we get to go home?"

"Just be quiet.....OK?"

All was quiet....for about 5 minutes.

Then Benny heard something.

He put down his coffee and listened.

"Benny" the voice said.

"Benny" the voice said, again. This was even more pathetic than before.

"Good Lord! I give up! I'm taking BOTH of y'all home and I don't EVER want you to ask me to take you hunting again. Let's go get Freddie."

So, Benny stomped off into the woods, got Ron off his stand, and they walked along to where Fred's deer stand was. There was a problem, though. Fred was nowhere to be found.

Benny called him, but there was no answer. Dawn was just beginning to break. It was too far for Fred to have walked home and much too cold. They didn't know if Fred had just wandered off in the woods for a bathroom break or what. But it didn't matter because between both Fred and Ron, they had both really messed up the day that Benny had been waiting for for so long.

Benny told Ron they'd go to the car, get back to my grandparents' house to pick up my grandfather, then they'd have to come back DOWN to the woods to begin looking for Freddie. Benny was NOT happy.

They walked through the woods and finally came to the car.....which was running. Benny was quite pi$$ed at this point. Sound asleep, in the front seat, sat Fred.

Benny flung open the door. Fred woke up, and asked Benny if he had got a deer.

"NO!!!!! And just how long have you been in this car?"

"Oh...I don't know....about an hour or so," said Fred.

"Why weren't you on that deer stand?"

"Because it was cold! After you left me, I just climbed back down, walked back to the car and went to sleep."

"Look, I told both of y'all last night it was going to be cold, but both of you just insisted on coming. Why didn't you just stay home?"

Fred said "You said it was going to be cold, but you didn't say it was going to be THIS cold. If you had told us it was going to be REALLY cold, then we probably WOULD have stayed at home."

"That's right", Ron said. "So, it really is all YOUR fault."

Needless to say, Ron and Fred never again went on a hunting trip with Benny.