The Curious Case of Benjamin Butthole

By now, most every one is aware of my cousin’s spawn, Benjamin, aka “Little Sh*t.” My dad was the one that gave him that moniker...primarily because he referred to Benjamin’s dad as “Big Sh*t.”

If we’re going to be consistent, then his mother needs a nickname. I henceforth will refer to her as “Don’t Know Sh*t.” Trust me, she doesn’t.

I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but I’m actually kind of amazed with Little Sh*t. Up to now, I’ve only read stories about people that somehow manage to skate through life without a care in the world. Now I know one….and he’s actually related to me. Not that it is something to be proud of.

I’ll be 49 years old in April and my life is a constant source of worry. I never think of the glass being half full. With me, it doesn’t matter how full the glass is, because all I'm thinking about is if it tips over then it’s going to be a mess that I’d better be ready to clean up.

I worry about what will happen if I lose my job…do I have enough money squirreled away to cover my bills and for how long? How much longer do I have to pay on my mortgage and my car before I don’t have to worry either of them? Do I have enough squirreled away to go ahead and just pay them off? Would that be a good idea and would I have anything left over?

How much did my 401Ks lose this month, and is there any hope at all of recovering any of it? Should I just go ahead and move everything into a cash reserve account until things stabilize? What if Congress decides to levy a tax on all 401Ks so they can take the proceeds and create retirement accounts for everyone that hasn’t saved for retirement?

Why is the dog acting strange? Do I need to take her (or him) to the vet? What if it gets worse in the middle of the night?

That’s a small synopsis of some of the things that I worry about.

Little Sh*t, on the other hand, has no worries.

He gets up in the morning and takes a long, hot shower while his MeeMaw fixes him breakfast and gets going on his lunch so it will be ready at noon when he comes home.

He then puts on his clothes that his MeeMaw bought, washed, and ironed for him. He goes to work. Why, I'm not sure because MeeMaw always seems to be able to find money to get him whatever he wants.

He doesn’t have to worry about gas because if he’s got an empty tank and no money, MeeMaw will give him gas money. God forbid he should spend his own money for such a frivolous item as gas.

He might want to take his girlfriend out on a date and he needs to save his money for that. He might need that money to go on a cruise with all of the other ne’er do wells that he runs around with.

Or, more importantly, he might need to use that money to buy some luxury items for himself, like a boat or two that won't run, a car that won't run, a 4-wheeler that he can drive the crap out of, or not one but TWO jet-skis.

And, if there is something more important than any of that stuff, he knows he can always go to the FNBOM (First National Bank of MeeMaw) to get money. And even if he doesn't ask for it, if she offers it, he takes it with absolutely no qualms. The thought of payback does not even cross his mind. And even if it did, well there's other things that have to come first.....like Little Sh*t.

Now, if it were me, I would feel somewhat guilty. Even if I was not able to payback monetarily, I would try to do things in other ways. Like helping out with the household chores.

But not Little Sh*t. He's got more important things to do. Besides, he just LIVES in his MeeMaw's house. If MeeMaw needs stuff done and she isn't able to do it, then she can just get that lazy a$$ Uncle Freddie to do it. After all, MeeMaw is Uncle Freddie's mother...not Little Sh*t's.

Yup, every single day in the life of Little Sh*t is a zippity-doo-dah day!

Inauguration Recap

Well, I didn't watch the inauguration because I have this thing.....it's called a job. Considering the current state of affairs with the economy, I'd actually like to keep it.

So, since some people had to work so that 2 million people could go stand in the bitter cold to watch Obama on a jumbo-tron and those with a little more sense could stay home and watch it, I went to work to do my part to keep the crafts industry going. (Your welcome.)

But, I did see some of the highlights.

Apparently, Aretha Franklin's hat was THE big highlight.



Apparently, it has become quite the fashion rage as demonstrated by the photos in this link:

Aretha's Hat is EVERYWHERE!

I saw a little bit of the parade. This was one thing that really caught my eye. It was the Lesbian and Gay Band Association. Check out that drum major!




And that's about all I have to say about the inauguration itself. I didn't watch the evening news because it has become such an Obamafest. He can do no wrong, he can say no wrong, and as of 12:01 pm Tuesday, the sun came out, birds began singing, and all became right with the world....according to the news.

I mean, the Obama coins, and the Obama commenorative plates, and people naming children, schools and streets after him is one thing. But there are some people that think that just like Yul Brenner's Pharoah in "The Ten Commandments", so it is written, so it shall be done. Because Obama said so.

The credit cards are going to be paid off, the mortgage will be gone, it won't cost anything to go to the doctor, everybody will have a good job, and everyone will make a decent living.

Obama is just, well, MAGICAL!

I was a bit skeptical.....until this morning. Obama appeared to me.....in my breakfast! Check out my toast!!!!! (Sorry, but I couldn't resist!)

Rock of Yuck!

Last night, I wasted one hour of my life that I will never get back. I stumbled across a TV show called "Rock of Love Bus." It's not a reality show, per se....it's crap TV.

For the unfamiliar, here's the premise. Bret Michaels is the lead singer of a group called Poison. He's trying to find (ahem) true love. He's looking for something all right, but it ain't true love and he ain't choosy! This show is now in it's third season, so obviously he's still looking.

Now...here's a word of warning for the faint of heart. If you should decide to watch this show (VH1 on Sunday at 9pm), there is no amount of showering that will keep you from feeling so nasty after watching this show. I swear, the girls that he is picking from would make a "lot lizard" at a south Georgia truck shop look like Faith Hill. (No offense to Faith.)

I'm not sure what is worse than a skank, but these girls are an absolutely insult to the word "skank." Get the picture? They are N-A-S-T-Y!!!!!! You might want to consider sitting WAY back from the TV if you watch it lest some sort of STD cootie leaps through the TV screen look for a place to hang out.....I'm just saying. And when you're done watching, you might want to spray the TV down with Lysol.

If you want to get a general idea of what I'm talking about....here's the pack of ho's that Mr. Michaels is choosing from that will, as he says....(and this is a direct quote!) "Rock my World."

Now....since I've already gone to the trouble of watching this, I'll clue you into a few of these ho's to watch out for.

Marcia - Marcia is from Brazil and she is crazy....not crazy in a funny way, but crazy in that b*tch might just haul off and kill somebody way. If you watch the show, look for her manic preparations in the bathroom to give Bret her "traditional Brazilian welcome." Prepare to barf....oh wait! That's Marcia's traditional Brazilian welcome!

Jasmineva - She's an ex-porn star. (Yeah....I was shocked.)

Nikki - I've heard of body shots....but this "thang" actually invited Bret to drink a shot from her....well....let's just say it was somewhere between her knees and her belly button....and it wasn't her belly button. That was too nasty for even Marcia! Then....here's the funny part! She wanted to sing a rap that she had written especially for Bret. So she read it from some notes that she had written down......on a piece of paper that had printed in big, bold letters: GENITAL HERPES TREATMENT. (Oh, Bret....she really seems to be the take home to meet mama type!)

So, here's the deal. Bret's on tour. So all of these skanks are going on tour with him. Each episode, some of them get sent home, and Bret asks the others to stay and "rock my world."

Bret has his own bus. The skanks are divided into two separate buses: a pink one and a blue one. Actually, they are petri dishes on wheels. (Did I mention how nasty these ho's are?) They are going from city to city to party with Bret and God only knows what else.

A few months ago, I was riding up I-75 on a Sunday afternoon. Just before I got to Delk Road, I noticed a tour bus pulled over in the emergency lane. As I passed it, I noticed that it had a huge picture of Bret Michaels on the side with the words "Rock of Love Tour". I had no idea what it was about at the time....but now I know. This was Bret's bus....not one of the ho buses, but Bret's actual bus. It was on the show last night.

Thankfully, I was in my Prius with the windows up rather than in the BMW with the top down so I was safe from the STD cooties. However, I did notice that the grass along that stretch of road died a few days later. Coincidence? I think not.