Do WHAT?????

Sometimes you really just want to give someone a good smack up side the head. In my case, today that someone would be Martha Stewart.

Miss Martha took some time away from her busy schedule of demonstrating how to turn autumn leaves that the neighborhood dog peed on into a festive Thanksgiving centerpiece for her table to tell us all that (her words, not mine!) that “Sarah Palin is dangerous.”

Oooh, Martha….I’m scared. What’s Sarah going to do? Design some moose print comforters and sell them at Macy’s? Oh wait….I’ll bet Sarah’s going to have sweet potato pie for dessert at Thanksgiving instead of (GASP!!!)….PUMPKIN pie. Or could it be something even MORE sinister….like she’s planning on using paper plates instead of pulling out her good china.

Martha…you really need to get a grip on yourself. If anyone is dangerous, you need to take a good look in the mirror. Do you realize that you are the mentor to thousands of Stepford wives? Your entire show, magazine, etc., is centered around perfection.

YOU can’t be happy with just putting plates, silverware and glasses on a table. Oh no,no, no,no,no…..YOU have to do something creative like making placemats out of brand new dishrags, lighting up candles, creating a centerpiece, and putting place cards on the table so everyone knows where to sit.

Before it’s all over with, you got so much sh*t on the table there’s no room for the food!

If I’m going to go to the trouble of making a trip to Walmart for brand new dishrags, I’ll be d@mned if I’m using them for placemats. And as for the candles, if the power goes out, I’ll scrounge up a candle or two. And what’s wrong with just yelling out “Jake you sit there, Jane you sit there, Paw Paw sits at the head of the table and I’ll sit next to little Clyde to keep him from feeding the dog some turkey; turkey gives ‘ole Blue the runs.”

Then, Martha (yes YOU Martha) had the audacity to call out Rachel Ray the other day. Apparently, Martha was being interviewed for an upcoming piece on Nightline. I think that she was probably upset that she had misplaced her broomstick, but after reading her quote, I’ll bet I know where the broomstick is. Here’s what Martha had to say about Rachel Ray:

In her first television interview since serving five months in prison in 2004 for lying to investigators about a well-timed stock trade, Stewart, 68, talks to ABC News’ Nightline about rebuilding her brand — and slams Ray, 41, one of her TV competitors.

“Well, to me, she professed that she could — cannot bake,” Stewart says of Ray in the interview, airing Thursday. “She — just did a new cookbook which is just a re-edit of a lot of her old recipes. She — and that’s not good enough for me.”

When it comes to writing a book, Stewart says she want to publish something that “is a unique and lasting thing. Something that will really fulfill a need in someone’s library.” Ray, she says, “is different.”

Stewart says Ray is “more of an entertainer … with her bubbly personality, than she is a teacher, like me. That’s not what she’s professing to be.”

Scout says Martha is “more of a b*tch….with her holier than thou attitude”.

Plus, I ain’t seen Rach in an orange jumpsuit picking up beer cans on the side of the road, either. I’m just sayin’.

So what if Rachel can’t bake? I can’t fry chicken worth a d@mn, but that doesn’t mean I can’t cook. So what if she redid some of her recipes to sell another book? I redo recipes all the time…lightening it up some of I can, adding more (or less) spices, etc. And I didn’t know (apparently Rachel didn’t either), that Rachel needed your approval before publishing another cookbook.

I swear Martha, you need to take a chill pill…..or something.

Before you go any further, you’d better just keep your mouth shut about Paula Deen. That woman can take a frozen ham to the face and still walk away with a smile.

I have a feeling my Paula could beat you’re a$$ with one hand and fry up some catfish, hushpuppies, and homemade biscuits with the other and not even break a sweat.

If I had my choice of hanging around either of you, I’d choose Rachel and Paula over you any day. They have something you don’t.

It’s called a personality.