The Bachelor: Week Two Recap (Sort of)

Just to save two hours that I won’t get back, I only watched the last half hour. Here’s what happened (along with what I’m guessing happened).

Bachelor selects one girl to take on a date….just the two of them. All the other ho-bags are PEE-UUSS-ED (with a capital P). They immediately begin trashing her behind her back.

Bachelor divides remaining girls into two groups to go on a group date. The ho-baggiest of the skanks run back to their rooms to put together a slutty ensemble in order to showcase the boobs that their parents bought for them for high school graduation.

The remainder begin squalling that even though they’ve only known this clown for a couple of days, they already know that they want to have his babies. One will be a boy named Jake, Jr…they will have a little girl named Jakeyln, and another little boy named Ed DeWayne. Ed DeWayne will be the one that winds up in jail. (Ever notice how a lot of criminals are named either Wayne, Duane, or DeWayne?)

Jake and Slutty Group one go somewhere to play and eat. I’m guessing the beach and a luau. They play for a little while, swim, eat, etc. Then for the next half hour, each ho-bag grabs him by the arm, takes him away from the others, tells him how trashy the rest of the girls are as opposed to someone like herself, then gets royally po’d when another girl walks up to take him away to tell him how slutty the girl he was just talking to is.

Jake and Slutty Group two go somewhere to play and drink. I’m guessing a pool hall and beer and wine for everyone. Everyone gets drunk, someone pukes and someone passes out. At this point, just like before, the remainder of the girls take turns grabbing him by the arm to tell him which of the other girls were brought to him by the letters S, T, and D.

Jake and his solo date go somewhere. From the commercial, it looked like a private concert.

At some point, one of the girls is given a rose so that she is considered “safe”.

Now to the part I actually saw.

It turns out, the girl that was given the rose is, in fact, a GEN-U-WINE HO-BAG!! She had a hookup with someone on the production crew at the same time she was making her move on Jake!

The Godfather (aka Chris Hansen) calls her out…figuratively AND literally. To make a long story short, he said he wasn’t calling her a ho-bag because that would be an insult to ho-bags….BUT considering the fact that she and her skanky self became a little too intimate with a crew member, she could just pack her ho-bags (pardon the pun) and wait for the skank bus to pick her up and take her back to skank town. (OK…Chris was a little nicer than that.)

She didn’t say much…she didn’t have too because her eyes said it all. I believe her eyes said something like this: “EFFF EEWWW and the horse you rode in on Chris….you little bee-otch!”

She goes and tells the other girls she’s leaving. For some ungodly reason, a couple of them begin crying because all of a sudden their BFF is leaving.

Then Chris tells Jake what happened. He’s po’d and can’t believe he was cheated on!

Jake….weren’t you listening? All of them told you that all of the other girls were sluts!!

So, Jake pulls himself together and he and Chris walk into the room and tell the other girls what happened. All of them act surprised and sad, but secretly they are all just so giddy they could pee their pants.

Jake begins handing out roses…keeping a dozen bee-otches and sending three home.

And who did he keep? Why the resident crazy gal!!! Her name begins with the letter M and she has psycho eyes. All the while he was handing out roses, M was giving him the evil eye and muttering to herself. He FINALLY handed her his next-to-the-last rose.

I figure he’ll keep her around until the meet the family episode; which is a shame because I’m envisioning my own little episode. She would begin by telling him that there is no family to meet because they all died of the H1N1 virus.

In reality, she has them all tied up down in the basement because they were all going to tell Jake to head for the hills because she had escaped from the local mental hospital several months ago and until these new episodes of The Bachelor began airing they had no idea what happened to her. Just as they were going to call 911, she burst in the door with knives and guns, tied them all up, gagged them, and kicked them down the basement.

Jake shows up, so she takes him to her bedroom.

She has a lifesize cutout of Jake, copies of his school yearbooks, baby pictures, his graduation picture, all of his school transcripts, a game called JAKEOPOLY, and a formal portrait of Jake complete with a halo and a candle burning beneath the portrait.

As Jake scans the bedroom walls he sees more pictures….pictures of all of the other bachelorettes with the requisite horns, beards, and mustaches drawn on each of them….along with the words DIE, DIE, DIE!!! And slowly M turns to him and says….”Jake….I’m your number one fan.”

Cue “Psycho” theme!

Christmas with Little Sh*t (Continued....)

When we last left LS, he....well, just scan down and read the previous post to catch up.

Well, I'm assuming that Marilyn's Christmas Eve menu met with LS's girlfriends approval because I scanned the police reports in this week's edition of the Elberton Star and nothing was mentioned in there; all of the people in the obituaries were in their 80's and 90's so the menu mustn't have killed her.

Unless, of course, LS either has some sort of weird grandma fetish or he found himself a sugarmama I'm going to assume that none of the women in the obituaries are his girlfriend.

So, the next day my uncle goes over to Casa de Little Sh*t for Christmas dinner. (Even though the house technically belongs to his grandparents, LS for all intensive purposes has set up squatter's rights by parking his truck, his jeep, his boat, his other boat, his two jet skis and a host of other junk over there.)

Oh yeah....he bought ALL of that crap. Here's the kicker: his mom had to stop by LS's bank on the way to her parents house to deposit money into his checking account so he wouldn't be overdrawn.

I have no idea what happened to that branch of the family tree, but I swear ain't NONE of them got any sense.


The elliptical had already been given to LS's grandparents and LS was off sulking in a corner. The elliptical was in another part of the house.

So, my uncle asked the question we all were wondering? What did they think about the elliptical?

Lenny said that you had to push so many buttons (timer, program, calorie burner, etc) to get the dang thing started that just thinking about it made him tired.

The other issue was that they couldn't figure out how to program the calorie burner. Apparently there was a way that you could plug in certain types of foods and the burner would tell you how long you had to use the elliptical to burn it off.

Since they bought the machine used, it did not have the owner's manual with it and so apparently LS had spent the entire morning trying to program the burner with no success. (Hey....LS...you can probably find a manual if you remember these four words: Google is your friend.)

My uncle was about to offer his advice, when LS said he didn't want to hear it because he was already sick of that piece of crap. (Hey....LS....that piece of crap was YOUR idea!)

At about that time, my cousin Ellen enters the room completely exasperated.

"LS.....go in there and make Kevin (her brother) get off the elliptical." (Just for the record, she does not call her own son Little Sh*t but I didn't want to put his real name out there.)

LS just sat there and stared at the wall.

Ellen hollers at the back part of the house "Kevin....don't tear it up the very first day. LS....go in there and make Kevin get off the elliptical."

Now....picture this scenario:

Say out loud "Kevin...don't tear it up the very first day. LS....go in there and make Kevin get off the elliptical" in the most whiniest, nasaliest voice you can and repeat that sentence about ten times. It was then that my uncle realized what hell might be like.

Apparently, for whatever reason, Kevin had gotten on the elliptical and was using it incorrectly. He was facing BACKWARDS and attempting to use it.

He eventually got off of it...whether it was to shut my cousin up or he just got tired but he did get off the machine.

Then my uncle was treated to this sentence from Ellen for the next ten minutes:

"Kevin....you're not mad at me for fussing at you, are you?"

Kevin just ignored her.

So, here's a quick recap to wrap it all up. The elliptical wasn't that big of a hit. LS was p*ssed off for unknown reasons. My guess is that he was expecting to get a NEW elliptical and wound up with a used on that wasn't as nifty as the one he had envisioned.

My uncle said Christmas dinner was nice...but it would have been more enjoyable if my cousins and LS had spent it somewhere else.

Ellen got somewhat ticked when she found out that my uncle, LS's grandparents, and Kevin had all received Christmas cards from my parents and she received nothing. (Ellen...here's a clue. In order to send you anything, it would help if we knew your address. Google isn't your friend if you have a fairly common last name and tend to move around a lot.)