Just to save two hours that I won’t get back, I only watched the last half hour. Here’s what happened (along with what I’m guessing happened).
Bachelor selects one girl to take on a date….just the two of them. All the other ho-bags are PEE-UUSS-ED (with a capital P). They immediately begin trashing her behind her back.
Bachelor divides remaining girls into two groups to go on a group date. The ho-baggiest of the skanks run back to their rooms to put together a slutty ensemble in order to showcase the boobs that their parents bought for them for high school graduation.
The remainder begin squalling that even though they’ve only known this clown for a couple of days, they already know that they want to have his babies. One will be a boy named Jake, Jr…they will have a little girl named Jakeyln, and another little boy named Ed DeWayne. Ed DeWayne will be the one that winds up in jail. (Ever notice how a lot of criminals are named either Wayne, Duane, or DeWayne?)
Jake and Slutty Group one go somewhere to play and eat. I’m guessing the beach and a luau. They play for a little while, swim, eat, etc. Then for the next half hour, each ho-bag grabs him by the arm, takes him away from the others, tells him how trashy the rest of the girls are as opposed to someone like herself, then gets royally po’d when another girl walks up to take him away to tell him how slutty the girl he was just talking to is.
Jake and Slutty Group two go somewhere to play and drink. I’m guessing a pool hall and beer and wine for everyone. Everyone gets drunk, someone pukes and someone passes out. At this point, just like before, the remainder of the girls take turns grabbing him by the arm to tell him which of the other girls were brought to him by the letters S, T, and D.
Jake and his solo date go somewhere. From the commercial, it looked like a private concert.
At some point, one of the girls is given a rose so that she is considered “safe”.
Now to the part I actually saw.
It turns out, the girl that was given the rose is, in fact, a GEN-U-WINE HO-BAG!! She had a hookup with someone on the production crew at the same time she was making her move on Jake!
The Godfather (aka Chris Hansen) calls her out…figuratively AND literally. To make a long story short, he said he wasn’t calling her a ho-bag because that would be an insult to ho-bags….BUT considering the fact that she and her skanky self became a little too intimate with a crew member, she could just pack her ho-bags (pardon the pun) and wait for the skank bus to pick her up and take her back to skank town. (OK…Chris was a little nicer than that.)
She didn’t say much…she didn’t have too because her eyes said it all. I believe her eyes said something like this: “EFFF EEWWW and the horse you rode in on Chris….you little bee-otch!”
She goes and tells the other girls she’s leaving. For some ungodly reason, a couple of them begin crying because all of a sudden their BFF is leaving.
Then Chris tells Jake what happened. He’s po’d and can’t believe he was cheated on!
Jake….weren’t you listening? All of them told you that all of the other girls were sluts!!
So, Jake pulls himself together and he and Chris walk into the room and tell the other girls what happened. All of them act surprised and sad, but secretly they are all just so giddy they could pee their pants.
Jake begins handing out roses…keeping a dozen bee-otches and sending three home.
And who did he keep? Why the resident crazy gal!!! Her name begins with the letter M and she has psycho eyes. All the while he was handing out roses, M was giving him the evil eye and muttering to herself. He FINALLY handed her his next-to-the-last rose.
I figure he’ll keep her around until the meet the family episode; which is a shame because I’m envisioning my own little episode. She would begin by telling him that there is no family to meet because they all died of the H1N1 virus.
In reality, she has them all tied up down in the basement because they were all going to tell Jake to head for the hills because she had escaped from the local mental hospital several months ago and until these new episodes of The Bachelor began airing they had no idea what happened to her. Just as they were going to call 911, she burst in the door with knives and guns, tied them all up, gagged them, and kicked them down the basement.
Jake shows up, so she takes him to her bedroom.
She has a lifesize cutout of Jake, copies of his school yearbooks, baby pictures, his graduation picture, all of his school transcripts, a game called JAKEOPOLY, and a formal portrait of Jake complete with a halo and a candle burning beneath the portrait.
As Jake scans the bedroom walls he sees more pictures….pictures of all of the other bachelorettes with the requisite horns, beards, and mustaches drawn on each of them….along with the words DIE, DIE, DIE!!! And slowly M turns to him and says….”Jake….I’m your number one fan.”
Cue “Psycho” theme!
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