My Great Moments in Radio History

Here's something I don't think I've ever told anyone.

When I was a teen-ager, I really wanted to work in radio. While everyone else studied chemistry and physics in the hopes of becoming a doctor or engineer, I studied album notes and liner credits.

I rarely bought a 45 rpm record (yeah...showing my age....sue me!). I always bought the album. I would listen to the complete album and then tic off which of the songs would be released as singles and in what order. I was hardly ever wrong.

I am honest enough with myself to know that I definitely do not have a voice for radio. But I loved music and wanted to somehow be a part of it. I thought about being a program director, but thought about it was as far as it ever got.

Trouble is that the only people that make any money in radio are the people that own the radio station and on-air talent. So, there's strike one.

The only way to get into radio is to start out in a small market like South Podunk, Alabama and be willing to work the shift no one else wants, doing the stuff that no one else wants to do, and working every single holiday and weekend. So, there's strike two.

The environment itself is not the most stable, especially these days when radio stations are bought and sold like baseball cards, formats are changed, and staff are hired and fired based on sales. It's a real cut throat industry. So, there's strike three.

I knew by the time that I was 15 that working at a radio wasn't going to happen. Plus, women in radio were a rarity unless you were willing to read news, traffic or weather and like I said...my voice was working against me.

So, I decided to become a part of radio in another way. I began contacting radio stations.

I've compiled a list of my "greatest hits":

WQXI-AM - DJ was Gary McKee and the newsman was Dave Collins. They did this bit called the Birthday show. People called in if it was their birthday or if they knew someone having a birthday. It wasn't my birthday; I didn't know anyone having a birthday, but I wanted to call in. So I placed a call and told them that my limestone cave named Teddy was having a birthday. The guy answering the phone said "Whaaat?" So I repeated it. He asked somewhat warily "..and how old is Teddy?" I said he was two. Sure enough, it got read on air. Both of Gary and Dave started snickering and kept asking what the person answering the phone had to drink the night before. (I think I was about 11, then.)

WQXI-AM - DJs name was Night Train Lane. He did this thing where he let callers introduce songs. I got to introduce this song by Major Harris called "Love Won't Let Me Wait." The song was supposed to be sexy, but I hated it and thought it sucked. Plus I had to stay up until 11:30 to hear myself introduce this thing on AM radio. Since it was AM and they cut the wattage down at 7pm, I could barely make out my introduction because it kept getting blended in with the stations coming out of Cuba. I was also 13 at the time....not a good song for a 13 year old to introduce. Never told my family about that.

WSGC-AM - Not sure of the DJ's name, but he took requests. I was at my cousin's house and the number 1 hit at the time as Elton John's "The Bitch is Back". My cousin mentioned that WSGC would not play "The Bitch is Back" because it contained the word "Bitch." So, I called the radio station and said "Is it true you won't play The Bitch is Back?" DJ said, "Yes....that's right. Is there something else you want to hear?" I said "Yeah....How 'bout the Son of a Bitch is Back?" My cousin and I though it was hilarious...we were 14.

WFOM-AM - I won my first radio station contest! It was to the grand opening of some bar in Cobb County and some band was coming in to play a concert there. The DJ told me that I had to be 18 to win and asked was I sure that I was 18? I swore I was. He told me the tickets would be at the Will Call booth outside the bar. Bring ID and they'd let me in. I was 16....I just wanted to hear my name on the radio....had absolutely no intention of going to the bar.

WQXI-FM - I won another contest! Jeff McCartney was the DJ. Every afternoon he played a mystery song. He'd tell a story about the artist without naming him and then you had to call in and guess the song and the artist. I got a gold pendant from a jewelry store on Roswell Road in Sandy Springs. I went to pick it up thinking it was going to be this big, bright, shiny, gold thing. It was actually a small, gold charm of the 94Q logo. Yes, I still have it.

The Regular Guys Era: I'm a fan of the Regular Guys Show. Both of my sisters in law cannot understand why. They think the show is disgusting, lewd, etc. but I guess I'm sick like that.

One day Larry was griping about the fact that he wanted to move from Gwinnett County. So I sent him an email touting the amenities of where I live: Paulding County. I assured him that we would be used to have a celebrity such as himself living amongst us because several celebrities also made their home in Paulding. I then listed our celebrities: Travis Tritt, Patty Loveless, and Ben the Bunnyman. (Ben, rest his soul, was a resident of Hiram who frequently called into the show. He also had a severe speech impediment and that was part of what made his bits humorous). I also listed our fine eating establishments, making a point to let him know that we had a Waffle House AND a Huddle House, as well as The Hickory Hut and The Catfish Den. And if he wanted nightlife, he needed look no further than Double Vision...the local biker hangout. He read it on air and immediately began snickering at the mention of Ben the Bunnyman and was rightly impressed with my Waffle House/Huddle House double whammy. But I guess I didn't make a strong enough case because he still resides in Gwinexico, as he calls it.

Another time, he put up a message board where people could talk about the show and such and occasionally Larry would post messages on the board, take questions about the show, advertise auctions he had running on Ebay, etc. One time he started up a contest on the board. He would post a funny picture and asked people to post an appropriate caption for it. He posted this picture once of a cross-eyed man smiling....he had no teeth and big, floppy ears. Some people's captions were stuff like Southside Steve's High Senior Portrait or just ragging on Southside in general. My caption was "I am...99X" (a competitor of 96 Rock and this was their slogan). Contest was closed shortly afterwards and I was declared the winner. My prize? A Regular Guys Tshirt. I gave it to my brother...sister in law was NOT impressed.

Another thing they have is this thing called the FU line. You dial the phone number, record your FU message to whomever or whatever p*ssed you off and they played it on air. I decided to do a big ole FU to the local Kroger. Their crime? They had these little yellow kiddie carts that kids could push to "help" mommy shop. The problem was that the kids usually just ran up and down the aisles pushing these darn carts, knocking over endcaps, plowing into other shoppers, etc. So I FU'd Kroger for having these kiddie carts. It was played on air, and Larry actually agreed with me and FU'd Kroger, too.

I've left out the Neal Boortz years...nothing bad, but just more to write and it's time for bed. But those are the milestones of my illustrious career in radio.