The Dawsons

Just to set the record straight, I feel the need to stress a couple of important things.

1. Most of the names in the prior stories have been made up to protect their stupidity, and more importantly to protect my butt in the unlikely event that any of them stumble upon this site and decide to sue for libel.

2. I did NOT grow up in the projects!!!! My street, for some reason, seemed to be a "Twilight Zone" that attracted a whole series of odd people. I think there were only five families that lived on that street were normal.

So now, let's turn our attention to the Dawsons.

The Dawsons lived down the street from us. There was the patriarch, Leonard, and his wife Lydia. Lydia had two children from a previous marriage, Doreen and Jake. She and Leonard had one son together named Tyler.

Leonard worked as a mechanic at a local garage. He "fixed" cars for some of our neighbors. I use the term "fixed" loosely, because it seemed like every car he worked on was never actually fixed.

I never understood why the neighbors allowed him to work on their cars, but everyone said it was because he was cheaper than taking it to a dealership. Leonard only charged for parts, not labor. But, if he was fixing things that weren't broken to begin with and the car still ran like crap, you were spending extra money so to me, it just didn't make sense. But that's for another day.

Doreen was a year older than me and rather quiet. Too quiet. As soon as she graduated and turned 18, she left home and I never saw her again. Looking back, sometimes I think there may have been a good reason why she never came back home.

Jake was my age and was mentally retarded....at least that was what it was called back then.

At that time, mentally retarded children were not mainstreamed in school and there was no such thing as special education classes in schools. Instead they were usually sent to special school where they were taught to do basic things to try to get them through life.

I remember when I went into first grade, Jake was in the classroom across the hall from my room. He was stayed in first grade until Christmas. After that, a little bus came to pick Jake up to take him to another school. My friend Greg told me years later that Leonard and Lydia had no idea that Jake was mentally retarded until his teacher had pointed it out.

Whenever me and my brother got into a fight, he would invariably end the argument by telling me that I was stupid because Jake finished first grade before I did.

My brother, Tyler, and my friend Greg all ran around together. So any of the stories that I heard about the Dawsons came from my brother or Greg.

This one is one of my favorites.

One year, Leonard decided to have an in-ground pool installed. This was big doings in our neighborhood because he was the only one on our street that would have a pool. I guess he did really well between the job at the garage and ripping off, I mean repairing cars for our neighbors.

Leonard had a rule regarding the swimming pool. When the pool was opened for the summer, he was to be the first one in it. No ifs, ands, or buts. (Don't ask....the man was just weird!)

So, about the second or third year after the pool had been installed, my brother and Greg happened to be over at Tyler's house. Greg noticed that the cover was off the pool and asked Tyler when could they come over to swim. Tyler told them to go home, change clothes, and come back because the pool was going to officially "open" that night.

Both my brother and Greg ran home to change into their trunks and run back over to Tyler's house.

By the time they got there, Leonard had just pulled into the driveway. He saw my brother and Greg standing there in their trunks. He said "I guess Tyler told you we're opening the pool tonight."

Greg said "Yeah he told us. We're just waiting on him."

Leonard said, "Y'all wait on me."

Unfortunately, Tyler had neglected to tell my brother and Greg about Leonard's little rule about the pool. When Leonard said to wait on him, they thought he was just kidding around.

As soon as Tyler came out of the house, my brother and Greg took a running jump and leaped into the deep end of the pool.

It was at that exact moment that Leonard came out of the house....just as Tyler screamed "NO!!!"

The boys came up out of the water to face a glaring Leonard. They looked at Tyler and asked what was wrong.

Leonard said "What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong. What's wrong is that I didn't get to be the first one in the pool....that's what wrong. What's wrong is that y'all jumped in before me."

With that, he turned and stormed back into the house.

They looked at Tyler and started laughing....then they realized that Leonard wasn't kidding. Leonard, a man in his mid-40's, was p*ssed because he was not the first one in the pool.

When Leonard was p*ssed, he was REALLY p*ssed. He did not get in the pool that entire summer.....all because he was not the first one in the pool that year.

Another favorite:

One of the boys' favorite pasttimes was to tease Jake. I just want to preface this by saying that Jake was NOT picked on because he was mentally retarded. All of us kids on that street enjoyed picking on and teasing each other. The difference was that some of us were able to laugh it off or were devious enough to plan a good payback. The others cried or tattled to their mommies.

Jake on the other hand just got mad.

For some reason, when the builder built the Dawsons house, one of the bedroom doors was hung so that the lock was on the outside of the door, rather than in the bedroom.

Leonard never fixed it because he figured when he sent the kids to their room for punishment, he could lock them in there until he decided it was time to let them out.

This bedroom happened to be the one that Tyler and Jake shared. Even though Tyler was the youngest of three children, Tyler sometimes considered Jake to be the annoying little brother.

Whenever my brother and Greg visited Tyler, one of the things they liked to do was lure Jake into the bedroom, then run out and lock him in. This resolved the problem of Jake following them around like a puppy dog, although they still had to listen to Jake banging on the door.

One day, Tyler made an urgent phone call requesting that my brother and Greg to come over right away because he had something really important to show them.

When they arrived, Tyler took them back to his bedroom and closed the door. Tyler walked over to his closet, opened it, and motioned for them to come over. There, stacked neatly in a corner was the holy grail of all 13-year old boys.

Tyler had found.......Leonard's stack of Playboys. Tyler had pulled out a few from the bottom of Leonard's stash thinking they would not be missed and hid them in the back of his closet.

They each grabbed a magazine and plopped on the floor to read....(and I use that term loosely.)

In the middle of all of this, Jake happened to walk down the hallway and heard the three of them talking in his bedroom. Now was the chance he had been waiting on!

He locked them in....then proceeded to bang on the door hollering "I locked y'all in! Not so funny, huh? Y'all are all locked in. HAHAHAHA!"

Tyler looked at the others and said, "I don't know about y'all, but he's about to drive me crazy. Let's get out of here."

He walked over to the window, opened it and the three of them jumped out. They ran to the backyard, climbed up into Tyler's tree house, and continued to read.

A little while later, Jake came out of the house. My brother saw him first and yelled out "Hey Jake!"

Jake was stunned. He had locked them in the bedroom. He knew they were in there. He was furious. He yelled "How did y'all get out? I had y'all locked in there."

Greg yelled, "We're magic. We can disappear and reappear whenever we want. Just like on tv."

Jake said "No you can't."

Tyler said "Yes we can."

Jake said "Do it then."

My brother said "Ok......run back to your room, we'll be there by the time you get there."

Jake ran into the house and all three of them climbed down the treehouse and climbed through the window back into the bedroom.

When Jake unlocked the door and opened it, he was amazed. He begged Tyler to teach him how to disappear, but Tyler told him that it was too hard and would take too long.

Jake was amazed that he had a brother that could actually disappear. Tyler was amazed that Jake never thought to climb out the window whenever he was locked in....but as far as Tyler was concerned that was a good thing.

The Operator

This is a true story about one of my brother's friends. Let's just call him Mitch.

Years ago, Mitch got a job working for the telephone company as a telephone operator. This was back when if you dialed zero, you got to talk to a REAL LIVE PERSON, as opposed to a tape recording.

One day, Mitch got the caller from hell. The guy was giving Mitch all kinds of grief, Mitch was trying to help him, the caller got completely frustrated and yelled at Mitch, "Look, just put the call through, motherf*cker."

Mitch got mad. Mitch took note of the guy's phone number, then began plotting his revenge.

When it came time for his break, he stepped outside, and took a short walk down the street to a pay phone.

He picked up the phone, dialed the operator, and said he needed to place a collect call. He gave the operator the caller from hell's phone number. The operator asked "And who may I say is placing this call?"

Mitch said "Mother."

The operator dialed the number, when the person answered, the operator asked if he would accept the charges for a collect call from Mother.

The caller asked "Who?"

Before the operator could answer, Mitch screamed "Motherf*cker!!!" and slammed the phone down.

Bedtime Stories

Our house was a three bedroom house.

Until I was about six, I shared a room with my younger brother. This was primarily due to the fact that I had been told that there was a crazy woman that roamed the streets at night peeking in people's windows.

My brother was three years younger and did not realize the peril of this situation, but at least it was another body in the room. Plus, I made sure he got the bed next to the window just in case the aforementioned crazy woman stopped by.

Eventually, though, it was decided that since I was the lone girl, I would have my own room and my brothers would bunk together. I tried to talk my brother into staying, but when my parents bought them bunk beds, that pretty much sealed the deal. They immediately began arguing over who got the top bunk.

When we were in elementary school, our bedtime was usually around 8:30. My parents stayed up for a little while longer watching TV.

Since someone already knew I didn't like to sleep alone, he took it upon himself to tiptoe quietly down the hall and crawl into my room. I usually faced the window so I could keep a lookout for Mrs. Bittles. Ron was a pretty good tiptoer and crawler, so I rarely heard him. He'd crawl underneath my bed, kick and punch my mattress (scaring the crap out of me!) then be back in his room before my parents came to see what was going on.

I told them Ronnie came in to scare me, but then he would appear in my doorway, yawning and stretching, and asking "What happened?" (Like he didn't know.)

After I had calmed down, I made my plan for revenge. I pretended to be asleep by snoring loudly...and then I would begin lightly scratching the walls with my fingers.

I'd hear Danny ask Ron "What was that?"

He'd say "Oh, it was just Annette tryin' to scare us."

"No....I don't think so, she's asleep." My snoring was quite convincing, and the added whistle at the end like they did in cartoons just made it even more believable, if I do say so myself.

Then I'd say in real high pitched voice "oooohhhhh......I'm going to peek in this window and git somebody."

Usually, this would result in my older brother laughing because he knew it was me, my younger brother crying because he believed it was Mrs. Bittles, and my dad coming down the hall saying he was going to be blistering some butts if we didn't go to sleep.

He'd go back in the den to watch TV. It was at that moment that we did something that "The Waltons" stole from us. I'd say "nite Ronnie." Ronnie would say "nite Annette, nite Danny." Danny would say "nite Ronnie, nite Annette." Then I'd say "nite Danny, nite Ronnie." Ronnie would say "you already said nite to me." Then we'd begin arguing over who we had said good nite to and who was owned a good nite..

My dad would make another trip down the hall. "I thought I told y'all to get to sleep. If I hear one more peep out of any of you, you won't be able to sit down for a week." Then he'd retreat back to the den.

I'd hear Ronnie whisper to Dan, "peep, peep, peep." Dan and I would begin snickering. Then Ronnie would holler to my dad that Danny and I were keeping him awake.

Danny and I would then begin saying "UH-UH!! Ronnie started it."

Ronnie would say "No, I didn't. You and Danny are just tryin' to get my in trouble."

It was usually around this time that my dad would come back down the hall...but he wouldn't be alone. In his hand, he held.....a belt. A belt that we were all familiar with.

When the belt appeared, it was time to go to sleep. Usually, the belt just made a quick visit to our respective bedrooms. My dad didn't have to say anything. He just stood in the doorway with the belt in plain view. It was a scene straight out of a Clint Eastwood western. He'd turn, and leave....just like The Man With No Name in "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly."

That visit was usually enough to know that the nighttime frivolity was over. If the belt had to make another trip down the hall, it wasn't not going to be a pleasure trip.

After watching a few episodes of "Supernanny", our bedroom routine was eerily similar to some of those heathens Nanny Jo has to deal with every week.

Except for one thing.

Someone needs to introduce Nanny Jo to "the belt." I guarantee you she could probably get those kids to pipe down and go to sleep in 15 minutes.

The Legend of Mrs. Bittles

Mrs. Bittles (not her real name) was our neighborhood crazy lady. She lived on the street behind ours.

We didn't really know too much about her except for what we had been told by other people and what we made up because it sounded good.

Here's what we knew to be true about her:

a) she lived alone in a home on the street behind ours
b) she had no car and she walked EVERYWHERE!

Here's what may or may not have been true about her:

a) The purse that she always had with her was chock full of money because she did not believe in banks. It also contained a very large knife.
b) She paid cash for her house.
c) Her late husband had been a professor at Georgia Tech; she went crazy after he died.
d) She had no children.
e) She had children, but they had as little as possible to do with her and were only interested in her money.
f) She had special powers.

Here are a few of the stories I had heard about Mrs. Bittles.

Janet Pendleton's mom came home from work one afternoon. As she walked down the hallway, she heard a noise in the bathroom. It was too early for Janet's dad to be home from work and Janet and her sisters were still at school. Janet's mom peeked in the bathroom and found Mrs. Bittles taking a bubble bath in their tub.

Mike Harris's mom came home from the grocery store one morning. As she got out of her car she noticed the back door was wide open. She knew for a fact that she had closed the door when she left. As she walked towards the house, she smelled bacon. Mrs. Bittles was in her kitchen and cooking herself some breakfast.

My own personal story about Mrs. Bittles:

My dad was sitting in our front yard one evening enjoying his after dinner coke and Mrs. Bittles was walking down the street. She saw my dad and began walking towards him. My brothers and I ran in the house because this was, after all, crazy Mrs. Bittles.

To our utter astonishment, my dad got a lawn chair for her to sit in, and called for us to bring another coke out because we had company. When my brothers and I began arguing over who was going to be the one to bring the coke out, my mom told us to knock it off. She grabbed a coke out of the refrigerator and went outside to sit.

My brothers and I ran to my bedroom because my window was the closest and offered the best view. Plus, we figured if Mrs. Bittles whipped that knife out of her purse, we could easily call the cops since the phone was just down the hall.

Mrs. Bittles introduced herself to my parents. This was the first time all of them had met. She told my parents where she lived and how long she had lived there. As I recall, the conversation ran the gamut. They talked about religion and what was wrong with the world. She told my parents about the depression and how she had lived through it. She talked about how wasteful people were and how they didn't take care of things they had.

To prove her point, she told my parents about the things people threw away and all of the things she found in her roadside travels. She opened her purse and took out a grocery bag. We thought for sure that this was the fabled money we had heard so much about.

She opened the bag and asked my parents to look inside. My mom said there had to have been 100 plastic combs in that bag. Mrs. Bittles said she could not believe the fact that people threw away perfectly good combs. She offered some of them to my parents, but they politely declined.

She also pulled out a couple of coke bottles she had found. She could not believe that someone had thrown them away when they could have returned them to the store and gotten back a dime.

As the sun began to go down, she got up to leave. She thanked my dad for the coke and the conversation and left. That was the only time we were personally visited by Mrs. Bittles.

We were extremely disappointed that none of our questions had been answered. We still did not know if she had all her money and a big knife in her purse. She had not mentioned anything about her husband or her kids if she had any. All in all, we were extremely unhappy that our parents had not taken the opportunity to find out any of this important information so that we could add it to our Mrs. Bittles file.

My dad told us in no uncertain terms that we were to leave that poor woman alone. We were not to bother her in any way, shape, or form and if he caught us or HEARD of us doing anything, we'd have him to answer to. That threat was enough to make us steer clear of Mrs. Bittles' house and give her a wide berth when she walked down the street. We did not talk TO her, but it did not stop us from talking ABOUT her.

Mrs. Bittles served a very useful purpose to all of the kids in the neighborhood. We used her as an instrument of torment against pesky little brother and sisters.

For instance, suppose your little brother was playing with a toy that you wanted to play with. You couldn't just yank it away from him, because he would just go tattle to mama and get you in trouble.

So, what you did was just look at him and say, "Mrs. Bittles touched that." His face would go white and he would immediately toss the toy away. It was a known fact that if you touched anything Mrs. Bittles touched, something bad would happen to you before the day was over.

All you had to do at that point was mumble some sort of jibberish to "break the Bittles spell" and the toy was now yours to play with.

We also told our brothers (or sisters) that Mrs. Bittles like to look in people's windows at night. For added effect, we would go to the window below my (uh, I mean somebody else's) brother's window and stand there in the dirt so that we could leave footprints. Then go get the disbelieving brother and show him the prints.

Oh, it made bedtime so much MORE fun! With each dog bark and leaf rustle, you would whisper "There she is.....listen!" Invariable, this would lead to a mom or dad having to come to the room and sit with him until he went finally went to sleep.....and telling you they'd deal with you the next day.

Here's another good one. Suppose your mom asked you to babysit your little brother while she ran to the store. You didn't want to because it was almost time for "Days of Our Lives" and you knew just as soon as your mom walked out the door, your little brother would immediately pulling out all stops to aggravate the h*ll out of you and ultimately you would wind up missing the episode where Stefano Dimeara came back from the dead for the 15th time.

Not to fear! As soon as said brother began to act up, all you had to do was walk towards the phone and tell him you were going to call Mrs. Bittles and have her "come git 'im". Usually, that was enough to stop him in his tracks. But occasionally, he would push a little more.

At that point, it called for a little something extra. You picked up the phone and actually began to call Mrs. Bittles. (Actually, you were calling the number for the time and temperature, but he never knew that.) That in and of itself granted you the serenity to watch Stefano come back to life in peace.

Ultimately, Mrs. Bittles met a sad fate. She was walking in traffic and was struck by a car. Had she been younger, she probably would have survived, but she fell and broke her hip. She wound up having to go in a nursing home where she died about a month later. But her spirit (figuratively and literally) lived on.

Easy Rider

Jane eventually met the man of her dreams....or at least someone who was willing to pay her bills and buy her stuff.

When she first started talking about this guy (let's just call him Bill), you'd have thought he had Elvis' looks and Rockerfellers' money. She went on and on about how good looking he was and when they got married she wasn't going to have to worry about anything.

When we finally met this specimen, we were somewhat let down. In retrospect, she may have been telling the truth. He did look a little like Elvis; the 1977 version of Elvis.....except the 1977 Elvis looked much better.

As for Rockerfeller's money, it was Rockerfeller's ne'er do well cousin's money. Oh, he had money all right because he did work. He had his own painting business. Since he had no employees and he insisted on being paid in cash, it seemed like he had tons of money, but since he spent everything as soon as he got it he was no wealthier than anyone else in our neighborhood.

He was also EXTREMELY arrogant. There was absolutely NOTHING that you could tell this man that he did not already know or already done. He was an expert on anything and everything. In short, he was an a**hole.

He also had a son who was about 13 and a miniaturized version of Bill. He was even MORE of an a**hole than his dad.

And so....it came to pass that the one day when the lady (Jane) met this fellow (Bill), they knew that it was much more than a hunch that this group must somehow form a family and that's the way they all became the Stewart bunch. (sorry, I couldn't resist).

Bill's son...let's just call him Little Bill was the exact same age as Laurie. She hated him and he hated her. Jane hated him, too. He just didn't fit into her plans and if nothing else was just a constant source of irritation for both her and Laurie. LeeAnn didn't care because she stayed in enough trouble herself.

The conflicts that arose between Laurie, Jane, Bill and Bill Jr were not pretty and funny at all. Let's just say that it's the typical stuff you read about with blended families not getting along, taking sides, and kids doing everything possible to get each other in trouble and get their parents to hate each other.

The best thing Jane and Bill could have done was to hold off on getting married until their kids got of age and out of the house. You can pretty much fill in the blanks on what ultimately happened to the marriage.

Anyway, for whatever reason, Bill got a wild hair one day and decided to buy a motorcycle. Not one of those cheap-a** Japanese pieces of crap (his words), but a REAL motorcycle. He bought a Harley Davidson.

It was white, loaded with chrome, had a big windshield and looked similar to one's the cops rode. It was big. And it was loud.

He took it upon himself to take it door to door to show all of the dads in the neighborhood. He had to since none of them made it a point to come down to his house to say "I heard you bought a bike, where'd you get it, how much did you pay", etc....all of the typical nosey neighbor questions.

No one really cared, but to be polite they acted interested.

One thing I've forgotten to mention in ANY of these stories is Laurie and LeeAnn's dog. They had a dog that was a combination chihuahua and Pekingnese. She was black and white, chihuahua temperament with a Pekingnese face. Her name was Rochelle.

Jane and Laurie treated this dog like a princess. LeeAnn treated her like a dog. Laurie and Jane would "talk" to this dog in this high pitched, extremely irritating whine and actually carry on a conversation with each other via "Shaley" (this was what they called Rochelle during these "conversations".

Here's a typical conversation:

L: Is Shaley hungry? Her better go tell her mama she's hungry. Yes, she better! Oh yes she better!

J (acting as Shaley's voice): Yes I am hungry! Tell Laurie she needs to give me a little piece of her chicken.

L (also acting as Shaley's voice): But your chicken looks so much better, mama. Shaley wants your piece of chicken, instead.

LeeAnn (speaking as herself): Why don't both of you give her your chicken if your finished with it.

J and L (speaking as themselves): Oh LeeAnn, stop being so selfish and give her your chicken.

LeeAnn: No. I'm still eating. Y'all are the ones offering up each other's dinner to the dog when I've already given her a perfectly good Gainesburger.

In short, as far as Laurie and Jane was concerned the sun rose and set on Rochelle. And as far as Bill (and Bill Jr, for that matter) that dog was a nemisis and a general pain in the rear.

One summer evening, shortly after Bill got his motorcycle everyone in the neighborhood it seemed was out in their yard. Lawns were being mowed, people were exchanging home grown garden vegetables with each other, kids were playing, dads were working on cars or reading papers, etc. Everyone was out and about.

So, Bill took this as the prime opportunity to get his motorcycle out and remind everyone that he had one. He made a big production of sitting on it, putting on his helmet, starting it up and revving it up to attract an audience.

He began rolling it off of the carport and slowly went down the driveway. Rochelle was out in the yard minding her own business (and doing her business).

Bill decided since he had this huge audience, he was going to do something he had wanted to do every since he laid eyes on Rochelle. He turned the bike towards her and began chasing her through the yard.

Laurie began screaming and everyone stopped to see what was going on.

And that's when it happened.

Rochelle took a sharp turn to run away and Bill followed....but the motorcycle didn't. Bill fell off the bike and the bike slid across the yard.

The entire neighborhood witnessed the event and everyone laughed. To add insult to injury, Bill landed squarely in Rochelle's freshmade "business", which made it all the more funnier.

He picked up the bike, rolled it back on the carport, went back in the house and slammed the door behind him.

And (because some people in our neighborhood like to keep that pot stirred up) for a long time afterwards, anytime they saw Bill, they'd ask him when he was going to put on another show for everyone just to watch his face get beet red.

LeeAnn and Grandma Pearl

Whenever Jane needed weekend or overnight babysitting services, she called on Grandma Mary and Grandma Pearl.

Even though Grandma Mary and Grandma Pearl was Laurie and LeeAnn's relatives, they were around our neighborhood so often that we ALL called them Grandma Mary and Grandma Pearl.

Grandma Mary and Grandma Pearl lived together in a house near Georgia Tech.

Grandma Mary was Jane's mother. She was a very sweet and quiet woman. She was a little feeble physically, but sharp as a tack mentally. Whenever she talked to us kids in the neighborhood, she actually talked TO us; not AT us. And she seemed genuinely interested in what we had to say. She told us stories and we told stories to her.

Grandma Pearl was Grandma Mary's mother. She might have been old, but she was far from dead. She was feisty. In other words, Grandma Pearl didn't put up with ANY nonsense.

If you entrusted your children to the "tender" care of Grandma Pearl, you relinquished your parental rights. Translated, that meant that Grandma Pearl reserved the right to open up a major can of whoop a** on you if you crossed her. She thought nothing of going to town on your rear end Grandma Pearl style....with a hickory switch personally selected by none other than Grandma Pearl.

One of my dad's favorite things to do after supper was to go outside, sit in his lounge chair underneath the shade trees in our front yard, drink a coke, and read the paper. One of my favorite things to do was lay in the grass next to him and read the funny papers and attempt to work the crossword puzzle.

One night, my dad and I were sitting in the yard, totally engrossed in our papers. We heard the back door open across the street and Grandma Pearl call for LeeAnn. LeeAnn did not answer, so Grandma Pearl stepped outside and called a couple more times. Still no answer.

Grandma Pearl hollered over to my dad. "Ken, you haven't seen LeeAnn have you?"

"No," my dad answered. "But if I do see her I'll tell her you're looking for her."

Trying to be helpful, I piped up. "You know, she may be over at Missy's house. If they are inside, she probably can't hear you."

Grandma Pearl scrowled. "She better not be up there. She told me she was just going to ride her bike up and down the street. I guess I'd better call and find out."

I felt bad because I didn't mean to get LeeAnn in trouble.

Apparently, that's where LeeAnn had been, because shortly afterwards, she rode her bike onto her driveway and was promptly met by a p*ssed off Grandma Pearl.

"Why didn't you tell me where you were going?" asked Grandma Pearl.

"We weren't doing anything except watching TV" said LeeAnn.

"That's not what I asked you" said Grandma Pearl. "You should have asked."

"Well ok....now that you know where I was, can I go back?" asked LeeAnn.

Grandma Pearl said "No...It's getting late. It's almost time for you to come in and take a bath anyway. Come on in."

LeeAnn just looked at her. "Oh Grandma....come ON! It's still daylight. Let me go back."

Grandma Pearl was getting a little irritated. "LeeAnn, I SAID NO....and I MEAN NO. Now come on in the house."

LeeAnn was getting just as irritated. "But WHY? Why can't I go back?"

Grandma Pearl pulled out the answer that every parent has for that question. "Because I SAID so, that's why. Now GET IN THIS HOUSE.....NOW!"

By this time, both my dad and I had long since put down our papers to watch this standoff.

LeeAnn stared for a minute at Grandma Pearl. She got off of her bicycle and slowly walked towards Grandma Pearl. She stopped, then took her bike, gave it a slight shove and it rolled towards the carport. She stood there for a minute staring Grandma Pearl down.

Grandma Pearl said "Come on, let's go."

LeeAnn said "No."

"What?" asked Grandma Pearl.

My dad looked at me and said "Did LeeAnn just say no?"

"That's what I thought she said" I replied. I was actually stunned...and somewhat in awe of LeeAnn's bravery.

LeeAnn just stared at Grandma Pearl. "I said no. I'm going back down to Missy's."

Grandma Pearl was royally p*ssed at that point. She walked over towards LeeAnn and as she passed one of the shrubs in the front yard she selected a switch.

"LeeAnn, I've had it. I'm fixin' to wear you out."

"Oh yeah?" LeeAnn shot back. "Well, first you have to CATCH me!"

She then proceeded to run all over the front yard. She'd run up towards Grandma Pearl and just when she was in arm's length of Grandma Pearl, she'd run away.

Grandma Pearl was beyond p*ssed. That's when LeeAnn REALLY did it.

She turned around and stared at Grandma Pearl. She stretched her arms out to either side, them put her hands up to her ears and wiggled her fingers. She started shaking her rear end from left to right. "Na Na Ni Na Na....you can't catch me."

At this point the spectacle was so funny, that both my dad and I started to laugh....but not loud enough for Grandma Pearl to hear lest she decide to take a stroll across the street and beat us.

LeeAnn began running through the front yard again and singing her little song at the top of her lungs.

Grandma Pearl retreated to the house. LeeAnn saw my dad and I sitting in the front yard, so she skipped over to visit.

My dad looked at LeeAnn and said "Lightning, you're in big trouble. Grandma Pearl is MAD!" (Lightning was my dad's nickname for LeeAnn; her nickname for my dad was Thunder.)

LeeAnn just laughed. "I ain't scared of her. She's ain't gonna do nuthin'."

"I don't know" my dad said. "She looked awful mad to me. You better go home and tell her you're sorry."

"Sorry for what?" LeeAnn asked. "I was just up at Missy's watchin' TV. We weren't doin' anything."

"I'm talking about running all over the yard like you were doing," my dad told her.

"Well, I HAD to run...did you see that switch she had?"

My dad laughed and said "Yeah, I saw it. I also saw her take it in the house with her, so you KNOW she's waiting on you. But she didn't get that switch until you told her no. If you had just done what she said in the first place, you'd be ok. You better get back over there....she's waiting."

LeeAnn said "Well she's gonna have a long wait."

My dad said "Well just what are you planning on doing? It's going to be dark soon."

"I don't know" LeeAnn said. "I'll figure something out."

LeeAnn and my dad continued to talk and eventually it got dark. From across the street, we heard Grandma Pearl tell Grandma Mary and Laurie good night. We heard her say to Grandma Mary "If little Miss LeeAnn comes home tonight, you tell her that I haven't forgotten about this and I'm going to wear her butt out tomorrow."

LeeAnn whispered to my dad "That's what I was waiting on. She's going to bed. Grandma Mary ain't goin' to do anything and by tomorrow Grandma Pearl will have forgotten all about it."

My dad said, "Well, maybe....but I doubt it. But you better go on home, just the same. You can tell me how it turns out tomorrow."

LeeAnn sighed. "Ok, Thunder....I'll see you tomorrow. Bye 'Nette. (She never called me Annette, she always dropped the first syllable. Until I met Tom, she was the only one that had ever called me that.)

"Bye LeeAnn; I'll see you tomorrow," I said. LeeAnn skipped across the street.

My dad and I continued to sit in the yard listening to the crickets. The night air was cooler now, and I had a feeling that something was about to happen.

I watched as LeeAnn slowly opened the back door, and quietly sneaked into the house.

Suddenly, the living room light flipped on and we saw the shadow of Grandma Pearl standing in the middle of the room....along with the faint outline of a switch. It was something straight out of an Alfred Hitchcock movie.

"Uh-oh..." I looked at my dad. "Grandma Pearl LIED! She didn't go to bed. LeeAnn's gonna get it now!"

"First off," my dad said, "Grandma Pearl did not lie. She was actually pretty smart. Secondly, don't you think LeeAnn deserved it? What do you that I would have done if that had been you or one of your brothers?"

"Well....I guess if I had done that I guess I have to find another place to live because I don't know if I would have come home."

"Well...then I guess you'd better not ever do anything like that" my dad said. "We'd better go on in the house now. I gotta get up early tomorrow to go to work. Let's go."

We gathered up the newspapers, my dad folded up the lounge chair, and we walked towards the house listening to the sounds of crickets, a hickory switch flailing through the air, LeeAnn hollerin' at Grandma Pearl that she'd had enough, and Grandma Pearl punctuating ever swat with "No....You.....Haven't.....You....Better....Mind....Me....From.....Now...On.....Do.....You
....Understand....Me?"

I didn't stay to hear the rest. I already knew how that switch lecture went because we had all had experienced it ourselves at one time or another.

Laurie and The Rock Star

This is by far one of the craziest adventures involving Laurie. I've met a lot of idiots in my life, but I swear Laurie just took the cake.

To understand Laurie, you have to understand the psyche of Laurie. In the prior story, I told you a little about her mom. Allow me to share a little more.

Since all of the moms at that time were stay at home moms, they periodically did things as a group. Evelyn, another neighbor, was a licensed cosmetologist. Once a month, they met at a neighbor's house and Evelyn would cut and style everyone's hair while the rest of the ladies "visited". ("visit" = gossip.)

At one time, they all belonged to a bowling league, so that provided another opportunity to have fun and "visit".

During one of these "visiting" sessions, somehow the conversation got shifted to what we (all of us kids) were interested in and what we might be doing for a living later on in life. I was probably about 13 at this point in time.

Jane (Laurie's mom) volunteered this info to the other ladies. She said that she had already told Laurie that when she grew up, she should look into being a (are you sitting down for this?) a call girl. Jane said that if Laurie was able to find the right sugardaddy, he'd put her up in a nice apartment, buy her nice clothes, and she'd be set for life for doing relatively little. She laughed as she said all of this, but it absolutely floored everyone else in the room.

This was WAY before Reba McEntire had even remotely THOUGHT about recording that song "Fancy".

After Jane left, all of the ladies looked at each other and Evelyn asked "Surely she was not serious.....was she?"

Marie said "Well, you know how Jane is, you see how she dresses, and she's got that dumb and helpless act down to a science. I wouldn't be surprised if she was serious."

So that sort of sets up the story of "Laurie and The Rock Star." I was about 21 at this time....Laurie would have been about 20. It was at this time, my mom told me about the call girl episode. After hearing about that incident, this story made a little more sense.

One afternoon, I was in my bedroom watching TV when my friend Greg called. He said "What do you know about Laurie getting kidnapped?"

I said (thinking this was a joke) "I give up. What DO I know about Laurie getting kidnapped?"

Greg said, "No, I'm serious. LeeAnn (Laurie's sister) is coming over to spend the night with Missy (Greg's sister.) Her mom just called up here telling my mom that she needed to send LeeAnn up here to spend the night because she (Jane) had to drive down to Savannah to pick Laurie up because she had been kidnapped!"

I said "WHAT???? Are you SERIOUS?"

"Yep! You didn't know anything about it? You live across the street from them." Greg asked.

"No! I'll call you back."

I went in and told my mom the news. She was just as shocked as I was. About that time, we saw Jane's car backing out of the driveway and LeeAnn walking up the street with her suitcase.

I told my mom I was going to see what I could find out from LeeAnn. I grabbed my bike and followed LeeAnn up the street.

When I caught up to her, I asked her what had happened. She said she really wasn't sure herself. All she knew was that somehow, Laurie called them from the police station in Savannah and she must have been kidnapped. As soon as her mom got there, she was going to call LeeAnn and let her know what was going on.

On the surface, the story sounded odd. But then again, this WAS Laurie, so it really wasn't so odd after all.

I accompanied LeeAnn to Greg's house. When LeeAnn went back to Missy's room, I told Greg what LeeAnn told me. Greg said as soon as Jane called, he would call me and tell me what he found out.

The next morning, Greg gave me a call and told me to come over because the story was just NOT to be believed.

Here's what SUPPOSEDLY happened.

At this time, Laurie was working as a dancer (more on that later) at a club downtown. She was waiting on a ride (not sure if this was a ride home or...ok I'll hush.) Anyway she was sitting at the bar and a man came over and began talking to her.

All Laurie knew was that he flashed a lot of cash around and he introduced himself to her as "the lead singer of Pink Floyd."

I started laughing at this point and asked Greg to just quit and tell me what REALLY happened.

He said "I swear this is EXACTLY what LeeAnn told me after her mom called."

I told Greg that I could just imagine the scenario. "Hey. I'm the lead singer of Pink Floyd. You can call me Pink.....what's your name?" "Hey Pink...my name's Laurie. Wow...is that all your money? Will you buy me some stuff? I really need me some boots." (Laurie had a thing for boots.)

Greg continued with the story.

The guy told Laurie that he would call his limo to come and drive her home. He bought her a couple of drinks while they waited.

The next thing she knew, she woke up in a hotel room...alone. Her new "friend" was no where to be found, when she looked out the window, she knew she wasn't in Atlanta, but she didn't know where she was.

She went downstairs and talked to the desk clerk. The clerk, thinking she was on drugs or something, decided to call the cops. The cops picked her up, talked to her to see if they could figure what what happened, then told her to call her mom.

When Jane got there, Laurie told the story to her. In the meantime, the cops had already figured out that something really stunk. Pink Floyd was not touring. They were not even in the country. But...just for the heck of it, one of the cops went over to a local radio station and was able to get a picture of the group. (This was before the internet.) They showed it to Laurie and without telling her who she was looking at, asked her if any of the guys in the picture looked familiar. The answer was no. (Big shocker.)

In talking to the night clerk, he didn't really remember the guy, but the room had been paid for in cash. When the cops ran the name that he had registered under, nothing had come up in either Atlanta or Savannah.

Those were the basics of the story. We never got much more than that. We never found out what the cops thought about it. We never found out if they took her to the hospital. Or what really happened. But we had our own theory.

Since the guy had a lot of money (supposedly) he was either into drugs or he was a pimp. He slipped something into her drink, took her to Savannah and between the time she konked out and the time she woke up, you can make up your own details as to what might have happened. Considering how everything turned out, she was actually lucky that she lived to tell about it.

It wasn't the first time she had gotten herself into something like this and it probably wasn't the last.

That's enough about Laurie...for now. Tomorrow (or whenever I get around to writing about it) I'll tell you some LeeAnn stories.

Like I said before LeeAnn was a real sweetheart and you just could not help but like her. She was just so darn funny! The story I have in mind is LeeAnn at her finest...and it's just classic LeeAnn antics. My dad and I both love this one. It's called "LeeAnn and Grandma Pearl."

The Adventures of Laurie

Laurie and LeeAnn lived across the street from me. Laurie was one year younger than me and LeeAnn was a couple of years younger than Laurie.

Before I get too far into this, I need to give you a quick lesson on the correct pronunciation of the names "Laurie" and "LeeAnn."

In your nasaliest, whiniest voice say "Laaaaaauuuuuuurrrrriiiieeee" (special emphasis on the "aurie" part. You say it this way because that is the way Laurie talked.

As for "LeeAnn", in your most p*ssed off voice, say "Li AA-UH-NN" (special emphasis on the "Ann" part. You say it this way because that is the way her mom usually called her when she was p*ssed off at LeeAnn....which was pretty much all the time.

I barely remember their father; he died in a plane crash when I was about eight years old. He was a flight instructor and he was known to have a habit of cutting the engines on student pilots as a test to teach them how to react in an emergency. There was speculation that this happened on his final flight, but I don't think they really ever figured out what happened.

Their mom was unlike most of the other moms on our street. For one thing, she had bleached white hair. That just was something that RESPECTABLE women just did NOT do back in the late sixties. She also wore really short dresses and black, fishnet stockings and heels. (No, I'm not making this stuff up! Stuff like this, you just don't forget.)

Their mom was what was commonly referred to back then as a "hussie." Somehow, she managed to get herself elected president of the PTA at our elementary school. Her husband had died by this time, she was single, and she began "dating."

I don't remember her boyfriend's name or what he did, I just remember that he spent a lot of time at her house and she talked about him a lot.

One day, a car pulled up into her driveway and pulled in behind the boyfriend's car. A woman we had never seen before jumped out of the car, popped her trunk, and began tossing clothes and Lord knows what all else into the driveway, street, and yard. She was screaming at the top of her lungs "Here's your stuff! You can HAVE your D*MN little Harper Valley PTA Hussie and don't you EVER come back home AGAIN."

That was when we found out that her boyfriend was married. After the woman left, he came out of the house, picked up his stuff, left, and was never to be seen again. But other boyfriends were waiting in the wings.

That gives you a little insight as to why Laurie and LeeAnn were the way they were.

Laurie was a mini-me of her mom. She looked like her, acted like her and talked like her. She could do absolutely no wrong. If anything bad happened it was usually due to something LeeAnn had done, at least that was what Laurie said. LeeAnn, for the lack of a better analogy, was a Cinderella.

Everyone in the neighborhood adored LeeAnn. She was funny, mischievous, sweet, and was just fun to be around. Even though she was one of the youngest kids in the neighborhood, if there was something going on, no one seemed to mind if LeeAnn joined in.

Laurie, on the other hand was the exact opposite. She was spoiled, lazy, snotty, and even though she was our age, she constantly referred to us as "children"....which was ok, because we constantly referred to her as "b*tch."

Laurie was somewhat of a dizt...scratch the somewhat. She was a complete ditz.

Because there was no father in her life, anytime she got into a scrape somehow, my dad got dragged into it. The only good thing about that was that when he got back home, we got to hear what really happened rather than the sanitized Laurie version.

For instance, there was the Hawthorne Plaza incident.

Hawthorne Plaza is a strip mall in Mableton. If you needed anything, you went to Hawthorne Plaza. You needed groceries, you go to the A&P in Hawthorne Plaza. You ordered something from the Sears catalog, the Sears pickup store was in Hawthorne Plaza. You needed a fancy cake, you go to the Rich's bake shop in Hawthorne Plaza. It also had a jewelry store, a shoe store, a Singer Sewing Machine Repair and Retail store, a fabric store, and an S&H Green Stamp store.

For whatever reason, the day after Laurie got her driver's license, she went down to Hawthorne Plaza. My dad had just gotten home from work and dinner was on the table. We had no sooner sat down when the phone rang. It was Laurie's mother.

She had just gotten off the phone with Laurie. All she knew was that Laurie was down at Hawthorne Plaza and had been in a wreck. She needed my dad to take her down there. So off they went.

We had long finished dinner when my dad finally got back home. As he ate his dinner, he told us what had happened.

When they arrived at Hawthorne, they knew exactly where to go because the police had already arrived.

Laurie was standing there squalling and yelling over and over at an old man and a cop that she didn't do it. When she saw her mom she ran over and told her mom that the man and the cop were saying that she had run into the man's car. Laurie kept crying and telling her mom that it wasn't true.

My dad walked around both cars.

The first thing that he noticed was that both cars had parked into angled parking spaces. Apparently, when Laurie tried to leave she turned her wheel opposite of what she should have and plowed into the passenger side of the car. And even though Laurie was performing quite the act of protesting her innocence, the fact the wrecked car was red and the front bumper and fender of the car that Laurie was driving was heavily tinged with red paint was the dead giveaway.

The second thing he noticed made him sick. The car was brand new and still had it's price sticker in the window. He heard the man tell the cop that he had just picked the car up from Hyde Oldsmobile that afternoon and had stopped by to run in the hardware store to have some extra keys made.

The cop walked over to my dad and told him, "Your daughter is saying that she didn't do this, but this guy said that he saw her do it and she would have left the scene except for the fact that this man stood behind her car and refused to leave....plus he has witnesses that have verified his account."

My dad said, "Well, first off...she ain't my daughter. I just brought her mom down here to deal with it. Secondly, anyone can take one look at these cars and see exactly what happened."

After Laurie's mom got her calmed down, she walked over to the cop and said to him "Laurie said she didn't do it. So what do you think happened to his car?"

Both the cop and my dad looked at her like she had three heads.

The cop said "Here's what happened. She hit his car. He saw what happened. Two people coming out of Sears saw what happened. She can deny it all she wants, but the fact is she hit his car."

Laurie's mom looked at my dad. My dad said, "Jane....come here." He took her over to the cars and pointed. "Your car's fender and bumper is covered in red paint. Look at that dent in his car. The paint is an exact match. His car is parked in the middle of his parking space. Take one look at your car and you can see where she was trying to back out in the opposite direction. She hit his car, no two ways about it."

Laurie started crying again...."No I didn't!" My dad looked at her and said, "Well Laurie if you didn't hit his car, what happened then?"

Laurie said, "I don't know. I was just sitting here minding my own business when he came up screaming at me accusing me of hitting his car."

The cop looked at my dad and my dad said "Look....I'm just a neighbor. I can't say anymore that what I've already said. You know what happened, I know what happened, he (the other car owner) knows what happened, but you're not going to convince these two...I tried."

The cop thanked my dad, and turned to the other car owner and relayed the bad news. Since the accident happened on private property he could not issue a ticket. But he would submit an accident report for him to submit to his insurance company and if he wanted to try to take it to court to recoup some damages, the report would serve as evidence.

Laurie NEVER owned up to hitting that car.

The next Laurie story is one I like to call "Uh-Oh." It took place when I was in high school.

In the mid to late 1970's, South Cobb High School was one of the best and one of the largest marching bands in the state of Georgia. When the band took to the field at halftime, you wondered when the parade of students filing onto the field would end. Whenever the band left school for any sort of competition, most of the classes became study halls because so many students were on the trip it was pointless to try to conduct a regular class.

My younger brother played trumpet in the marching band. Greg, my best friend from down the street, and David, another neighbor, also played trumpet in the band. His sister Cindy was in the rifle corps. Laurie was on the flag corps.

South Cobb maintained an extremely stringent band rehearsal schedule. Marching practice for the football schedule began the first week after school let out for the summer. Sectionals were held every other day from 9am until noon. Drill team, flag corps, rifle corps, and woodwinds met on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Brass and percussion met on Mondays, Wednesday, and Fridays. Full marching practice took place every evening from 6pm until 9pm and all day on Saturdays. Attendance to all sectionals and rehearsals was mandatory. You were allowed to miss five days during summer rehearsals. Any more than five absences meant that you would NOT march in the first football game of the season.

Since so many on our street were in the band, it was decided that a carpool would be the best way to get everyone to the sectionals and rehearsals. Two parents were available to take everyone during the day, and in the evening two other parents that worked during the day made the evening run.

One particular week, it was my father's turn to make the run. Everyone knew that time was of the essence in the evening so the rule was you better be ready or you'll get left behind. This was due to the fact that anyone showing up late to rehearsals was required to run 5 laps around the track. Not something you want to do on a hot, summer evening, in addition to marching practice.

So my dad rushed home; everyone one was standing in the driveway. The boys and Cindy, who was somewhat of a tomboy, piled up in the back of his pickup truck; Laurie, being the "lady" climbed up in the cab of the truck.

Just a little bit of info about this truck. It was bought for one purpose and one purpose only. Gas mileage. At the time that it was bought, gas was being rationed. My dad had his name put on a waiting list for a Toyota. As the trucks came in, the dealers would call the next name on the list to pick up their truck. If they couldn't pay, changed their mind, etc., the next name on the list was called. The truck was puke green and had no air conditioning.

It was small and cramped....and hot in the summer. Due to the lack of air conditioning, both windows had to be down in order to maintain a certain level of comfort.

As soon as Laurie hopped in the truck, the first thing she did was roll up the window, because God forbid she should get her hair messed up from the wind.

My dad, who was already flustered, tired, and hot from his afternoon commute from the airport could not believe it, but he didn't say anything.

The only way to get to South Cobb from our house was via Clay Road. At that time, Clay Road was in the process of being widened and repaved. The deadline was to have the road completely finished by the time school started in late August. The road crews were running behind, so rather than knocking off at 5pm, they were using every amount of daylight in order to complete the project. This meant that road work continued until 8:30 and sometimes 9pm.

When my dad hit Clay Road, he came to a complete stop. They had blocked one lane of traffic so that the paving crew could work. Slowly they inched along.

Everyone in that truck was miserable. The boys and Cindy were miserable because the sun was beating down on them. Even though they were in the back of the truck in the open air, the air was not moving at all and they were getting hit by the heat from the other cars and paving equipment. My dad was miserable because he had no air conditioning and half of the ventilation had been cut off when Laurie rolled up the window.

Laurie sat in oblivion.

When they got within site of the school, Laurie said, "Uh-Oh." My dad looked at her and said "What's wrong?". Laurie said "I forgot my flag." My dad said "What do you mean you forgot your flag?". Laurie said "I forgot it." My dad just looked at her and said "Uh.....does that mean we have to go back and get it?" Laurie said "Well....I guess so. I can't march without it."

All of the boys in the back of the truck heard this conversation. Dan stuck his head in the window and reminded my dad that if they were late, they were going to have to run laps.

Greg then stuck his head in the window and said to my dad what everyone else was thinking. "Mr. S....why should the rest of us get punished because she forgot that stupid flag? Go ahead and take us to practice, take her home to get her stupid flag, then bring her back up here. By the time y'all get back, practice will almost be over with, she'll have to run laps because she's late, and we can all sit in the bleachers and laugh at her. We'll even save you a seat."

My dad said to Laurie "Well, he has a point. With all of this construction, by the time we come back up here practice will almost be finished. Why don't you just skip tonight?"

Laurie whined "NOOOO!!!! If I miss tonight, it means I can't march in the first game. I've already missed my five days."

Greg poked his head back in the cab. "Well, BOO HOO! I mean who cares? It's not like you're the star of the band or anything. No one's going to miss you."

Laurie told Greg to shut up. My dad told them both to shut up because he wasn't in the mood to hear it. He said he was going to drop them off at the school, take Laurie home, then he'd bring her BACK up there and just wait for the practice to end. He was not happy about it, but that's what he did.

When they got back home, Laurie ran to her house to get her flag. My dad rolled her window down after she got out. She returned with her flag and immediately rolled the window up.

My dad told her to roll the window back down. She looked at him and said, "But what about my hair?" My dad, by this time was not in the mood to be messed with and had absolutely no patience for her nonsense.

He just looked at her and said "What about your hair? It's 98 degrees and it's hot. You're going to marching practice, not a church social. That window stays down."

Laurie rolled the window back down. My dad looked at her again and said, "OK...before I back out of this driveway, do you have everything you need?" Laurie said "Yes." My dad said "Are you sure?" Laurie said "Yes." My dad said "Are you positive?" Laurie said "Yes...why do you seem to think I've forgotten something?"

My dad said "Well....I just don't know. I mean you go to band practice every night. You're in the flag corps and you forgot your flag. I just want to make sure there's nothing else that's that obvious that you forgot."

Laurie (using Laurie logic) said "Well, it's really everybody else's fault. Greg or Danny, Cindy, or David should have noticed I didn't have it and should have reminded me to get it. And how come you didn't notice it?"

Now, my brothers and I knew better than to have made a remark like that. But Laurie, was Laurie. And that was a typical Laurie response.

When my dad finally got home that night, he told us all the whole story. He was still royally aggravated with the whole thing but he did say that it was quite amusing to see her run around that track with all the neighborhood kids yelling "HA HA....LAURIE HAS TO RUN TRACK! HAHAHAHA!"

He laughs about it now, but is still in complete amazement at all of the example of her idiocy.

Tune in for the next episode...It's called Laurie and the Rock Star."