Easy Rider

Jane eventually met the man of her dreams....or at least someone who was willing to pay her bills and buy her stuff.

When she first started talking about this guy (let's just call him Bill), you'd have thought he had Elvis' looks and Rockerfellers' money. She went on and on about how good looking he was and when they got married she wasn't going to have to worry about anything.

When we finally met this specimen, we were somewhat let down. In retrospect, she may have been telling the truth. He did look a little like Elvis; the 1977 version of Elvis.....except the 1977 Elvis looked much better.

As for Rockerfeller's money, it was Rockerfeller's ne'er do well cousin's money. Oh, he had money all right because he did work. He had his own painting business. Since he had no employees and he insisted on being paid in cash, it seemed like he had tons of money, but since he spent everything as soon as he got it he was no wealthier than anyone else in our neighborhood.

He was also EXTREMELY arrogant. There was absolutely NOTHING that you could tell this man that he did not already know or already done. He was an expert on anything and everything. In short, he was an a**hole.

He also had a son who was about 13 and a miniaturized version of Bill. He was even MORE of an a**hole than his dad.

And so....it came to pass that the one day when the lady (Jane) met this fellow (Bill), they knew that it was much more than a hunch that this group must somehow form a family and that's the way they all became the Stewart bunch. (sorry, I couldn't resist).

Bill's son...let's just call him Little Bill was the exact same age as Laurie. She hated him and he hated her. Jane hated him, too. He just didn't fit into her plans and if nothing else was just a constant source of irritation for both her and Laurie. LeeAnn didn't care because she stayed in enough trouble herself.

The conflicts that arose between Laurie, Jane, Bill and Bill Jr were not pretty and funny at all. Let's just say that it's the typical stuff you read about with blended families not getting along, taking sides, and kids doing everything possible to get each other in trouble and get their parents to hate each other.

The best thing Jane and Bill could have done was to hold off on getting married until their kids got of age and out of the house. You can pretty much fill in the blanks on what ultimately happened to the marriage.

Anyway, for whatever reason, Bill got a wild hair one day and decided to buy a motorcycle. Not one of those cheap-a** Japanese pieces of crap (his words), but a REAL motorcycle. He bought a Harley Davidson.

It was white, loaded with chrome, had a big windshield and looked similar to one's the cops rode. It was big. And it was loud.

He took it upon himself to take it door to door to show all of the dads in the neighborhood. He had to since none of them made it a point to come down to his house to say "I heard you bought a bike, where'd you get it, how much did you pay", etc....all of the typical nosey neighbor questions.

No one really cared, but to be polite they acted interested.

One thing I've forgotten to mention in ANY of these stories is Laurie and LeeAnn's dog. They had a dog that was a combination chihuahua and Pekingnese. She was black and white, chihuahua temperament with a Pekingnese face. Her name was Rochelle.

Jane and Laurie treated this dog like a princess. LeeAnn treated her like a dog. Laurie and Jane would "talk" to this dog in this high pitched, extremely irritating whine and actually carry on a conversation with each other via "Shaley" (this was what they called Rochelle during these "conversations".

Here's a typical conversation:

L: Is Shaley hungry? Her better go tell her mama she's hungry. Yes, she better! Oh yes she better!

J (acting as Shaley's voice): Yes I am hungry! Tell Laurie she needs to give me a little piece of her chicken.

L (also acting as Shaley's voice): But your chicken looks so much better, mama. Shaley wants your piece of chicken, instead.

LeeAnn (speaking as herself): Why don't both of you give her your chicken if your finished with it.

J and L (speaking as themselves): Oh LeeAnn, stop being so selfish and give her your chicken.

LeeAnn: No. I'm still eating. Y'all are the ones offering up each other's dinner to the dog when I've already given her a perfectly good Gainesburger.

In short, as far as Laurie and Jane was concerned the sun rose and set on Rochelle. And as far as Bill (and Bill Jr, for that matter) that dog was a nemisis and a general pain in the rear.

One summer evening, shortly after Bill got his motorcycle everyone in the neighborhood it seemed was out in their yard. Lawns were being mowed, people were exchanging home grown garden vegetables with each other, kids were playing, dads were working on cars or reading papers, etc. Everyone was out and about.

So, Bill took this as the prime opportunity to get his motorcycle out and remind everyone that he had one. He made a big production of sitting on it, putting on his helmet, starting it up and revving it up to attract an audience.

He began rolling it off of the carport and slowly went down the driveway. Rochelle was out in the yard minding her own business (and doing her business).

Bill decided since he had this huge audience, he was going to do something he had wanted to do every since he laid eyes on Rochelle. He turned the bike towards her and began chasing her through the yard.

Laurie began screaming and everyone stopped to see what was going on.

And that's when it happened.

Rochelle took a sharp turn to run away and Bill followed....but the motorcycle didn't. Bill fell off the bike and the bike slid across the yard.

The entire neighborhood witnessed the event and everyone laughed. To add insult to injury, Bill landed squarely in Rochelle's freshmade "business", which made it all the more funnier.

He picked up the bike, rolled it back on the carport, went back in the house and slammed the door behind him.

And (because some people in our neighborhood like to keep that pot stirred up) for a long time afterwards, anytime they saw Bill, they'd ask him when he was going to put on another show for everyone just to watch his face get beet red.