The Adventures of Laurie

Laurie and LeeAnn lived across the street from me. Laurie was one year younger than me and LeeAnn was a couple of years younger than Laurie.

Before I get too far into this, I need to give you a quick lesson on the correct pronunciation of the names "Laurie" and "LeeAnn."

In your nasaliest, whiniest voice say "Laaaaaauuuuuuurrrrriiiieeee" (special emphasis on the "aurie" part. You say it this way because that is the way Laurie talked.

As for "LeeAnn", in your most p*ssed off voice, say "Li AA-UH-NN" (special emphasis on the "Ann" part. You say it this way because that is the way her mom usually called her when she was p*ssed off at LeeAnn....which was pretty much all the time.

I barely remember their father; he died in a plane crash when I was about eight years old. He was a flight instructor and he was known to have a habit of cutting the engines on student pilots as a test to teach them how to react in an emergency. There was speculation that this happened on his final flight, but I don't think they really ever figured out what happened.

Their mom was unlike most of the other moms on our street. For one thing, she had bleached white hair. That just was something that RESPECTABLE women just did NOT do back in the late sixties. She also wore really short dresses and black, fishnet stockings and heels. (No, I'm not making this stuff up! Stuff like this, you just don't forget.)

Their mom was what was commonly referred to back then as a "hussie." Somehow, she managed to get herself elected president of the PTA at our elementary school. Her husband had died by this time, she was single, and she began "dating."

I don't remember her boyfriend's name or what he did, I just remember that he spent a lot of time at her house and she talked about him a lot.

One day, a car pulled up into her driveway and pulled in behind the boyfriend's car. A woman we had never seen before jumped out of the car, popped her trunk, and began tossing clothes and Lord knows what all else into the driveway, street, and yard. She was screaming at the top of her lungs "Here's your stuff! You can HAVE your D*MN little Harper Valley PTA Hussie and don't you EVER come back home AGAIN."

That was when we found out that her boyfriend was married. After the woman left, he came out of the house, picked up his stuff, left, and was never to be seen again. But other boyfriends were waiting in the wings.

That gives you a little insight as to why Laurie and LeeAnn were the way they were.

Laurie was a mini-me of her mom. She looked like her, acted like her and talked like her. She could do absolutely no wrong. If anything bad happened it was usually due to something LeeAnn had done, at least that was what Laurie said. LeeAnn, for the lack of a better analogy, was a Cinderella.

Everyone in the neighborhood adored LeeAnn. She was funny, mischievous, sweet, and was just fun to be around. Even though she was one of the youngest kids in the neighborhood, if there was something going on, no one seemed to mind if LeeAnn joined in.

Laurie, on the other hand was the exact opposite. She was spoiled, lazy, snotty, and even though she was our age, she constantly referred to us as "children"....which was ok, because we constantly referred to her as "b*tch."

Laurie was somewhat of a dizt...scratch the somewhat. She was a complete ditz.

Because there was no father in her life, anytime she got into a scrape somehow, my dad got dragged into it. The only good thing about that was that when he got back home, we got to hear what really happened rather than the sanitized Laurie version.

For instance, there was the Hawthorne Plaza incident.

Hawthorne Plaza is a strip mall in Mableton. If you needed anything, you went to Hawthorne Plaza. You needed groceries, you go to the A&P in Hawthorne Plaza. You ordered something from the Sears catalog, the Sears pickup store was in Hawthorne Plaza. You needed a fancy cake, you go to the Rich's bake shop in Hawthorne Plaza. It also had a jewelry store, a shoe store, a Singer Sewing Machine Repair and Retail store, a fabric store, and an S&H Green Stamp store.

For whatever reason, the day after Laurie got her driver's license, she went down to Hawthorne Plaza. My dad had just gotten home from work and dinner was on the table. We had no sooner sat down when the phone rang. It was Laurie's mother.

She had just gotten off the phone with Laurie. All she knew was that Laurie was down at Hawthorne Plaza and had been in a wreck. She needed my dad to take her down there. So off they went.

We had long finished dinner when my dad finally got back home. As he ate his dinner, he told us what had happened.

When they arrived at Hawthorne, they knew exactly where to go because the police had already arrived.

Laurie was standing there squalling and yelling over and over at an old man and a cop that she didn't do it. When she saw her mom she ran over and told her mom that the man and the cop were saying that she had run into the man's car. Laurie kept crying and telling her mom that it wasn't true.

My dad walked around both cars.

The first thing that he noticed was that both cars had parked into angled parking spaces. Apparently, when Laurie tried to leave she turned her wheel opposite of what she should have and plowed into the passenger side of the car. And even though Laurie was performing quite the act of protesting her innocence, the fact the wrecked car was red and the front bumper and fender of the car that Laurie was driving was heavily tinged with red paint was the dead giveaway.

The second thing he noticed made him sick. The car was brand new and still had it's price sticker in the window. He heard the man tell the cop that he had just picked the car up from Hyde Oldsmobile that afternoon and had stopped by to run in the hardware store to have some extra keys made.

The cop walked over to my dad and told him, "Your daughter is saying that she didn't do this, but this guy said that he saw her do it and she would have left the scene except for the fact that this man stood behind her car and refused to leave....plus he has witnesses that have verified his account."

My dad said, "Well, first off...she ain't my daughter. I just brought her mom down here to deal with it. Secondly, anyone can take one look at these cars and see exactly what happened."

After Laurie's mom got her calmed down, she walked over to the cop and said to him "Laurie said she didn't do it. So what do you think happened to his car?"

Both the cop and my dad looked at her like she had three heads.

The cop said "Here's what happened. She hit his car. He saw what happened. Two people coming out of Sears saw what happened. She can deny it all she wants, but the fact is she hit his car."

Laurie's mom looked at my dad. My dad said, "Jane....come here." He took her over to the cars and pointed. "Your car's fender and bumper is covered in red paint. Look at that dent in his car. The paint is an exact match. His car is parked in the middle of his parking space. Take one look at your car and you can see where she was trying to back out in the opposite direction. She hit his car, no two ways about it."

Laurie started crying again...."No I didn't!" My dad looked at her and said, "Well Laurie if you didn't hit his car, what happened then?"

Laurie said, "I don't know. I was just sitting here minding my own business when he came up screaming at me accusing me of hitting his car."

The cop looked at my dad and my dad said "Look....I'm just a neighbor. I can't say anymore that what I've already said. You know what happened, I know what happened, he (the other car owner) knows what happened, but you're not going to convince these two...I tried."

The cop thanked my dad, and turned to the other car owner and relayed the bad news. Since the accident happened on private property he could not issue a ticket. But he would submit an accident report for him to submit to his insurance company and if he wanted to try to take it to court to recoup some damages, the report would serve as evidence.

Laurie NEVER owned up to hitting that car.

The next Laurie story is one I like to call "Uh-Oh." It took place when I was in high school.

In the mid to late 1970's, South Cobb High School was one of the best and one of the largest marching bands in the state of Georgia. When the band took to the field at halftime, you wondered when the parade of students filing onto the field would end. Whenever the band left school for any sort of competition, most of the classes became study halls because so many students were on the trip it was pointless to try to conduct a regular class.

My younger brother played trumpet in the marching band. Greg, my best friend from down the street, and David, another neighbor, also played trumpet in the band. His sister Cindy was in the rifle corps. Laurie was on the flag corps.

South Cobb maintained an extremely stringent band rehearsal schedule. Marching practice for the football schedule began the first week after school let out for the summer. Sectionals were held every other day from 9am until noon. Drill team, flag corps, rifle corps, and woodwinds met on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Brass and percussion met on Mondays, Wednesday, and Fridays. Full marching practice took place every evening from 6pm until 9pm and all day on Saturdays. Attendance to all sectionals and rehearsals was mandatory. You were allowed to miss five days during summer rehearsals. Any more than five absences meant that you would NOT march in the first football game of the season.

Since so many on our street were in the band, it was decided that a carpool would be the best way to get everyone to the sectionals and rehearsals. Two parents were available to take everyone during the day, and in the evening two other parents that worked during the day made the evening run.

One particular week, it was my father's turn to make the run. Everyone knew that time was of the essence in the evening so the rule was you better be ready or you'll get left behind. This was due to the fact that anyone showing up late to rehearsals was required to run 5 laps around the track. Not something you want to do on a hot, summer evening, in addition to marching practice.

So my dad rushed home; everyone one was standing in the driveway. The boys and Cindy, who was somewhat of a tomboy, piled up in the back of his pickup truck; Laurie, being the "lady" climbed up in the cab of the truck.

Just a little bit of info about this truck. It was bought for one purpose and one purpose only. Gas mileage. At the time that it was bought, gas was being rationed. My dad had his name put on a waiting list for a Toyota. As the trucks came in, the dealers would call the next name on the list to pick up their truck. If they couldn't pay, changed their mind, etc., the next name on the list was called. The truck was puke green and had no air conditioning.

It was small and cramped....and hot in the summer. Due to the lack of air conditioning, both windows had to be down in order to maintain a certain level of comfort.

As soon as Laurie hopped in the truck, the first thing she did was roll up the window, because God forbid she should get her hair messed up from the wind.

My dad, who was already flustered, tired, and hot from his afternoon commute from the airport could not believe it, but he didn't say anything.

The only way to get to South Cobb from our house was via Clay Road. At that time, Clay Road was in the process of being widened and repaved. The deadline was to have the road completely finished by the time school started in late August. The road crews were running behind, so rather than knocking off at 5pm, they were using every amount of daylight in order to complete the project. This meant that road work continued until 8:30 and sometimes 9pm.

When my dad hit Clay Road, he came to a complete stop. They had blocked one lane of traffic so that the paving crew could work. Slowly they inched along.

Everyone in that truck was miserable. The boys and Cindy were miserable because the sun was beating down on them. Even though they were in the back of the truck in the open air, the air was not moving at all and they were getting hit by the heat from the other cars and paving equipment. My dad was miserable because he had no air conditioning and half of the ventilation had been cut off when Laurie rolled up the window.

Laurie sat in oblivion.

When they got within site of the school, Laurie said, "Uh-Oh." My dad looked at her and said "What's wrong?". Laurie said "I forgot my flag." My dad said "What do you mean you forgot your flag?". Laurie said "I forgot it." My dad just looked at her and said "Uh.....does that mean we have to go back and get it?" Laurie said "Well....I guess so. I can't march without it."

All of the boys in the back of the truck heard this conversation. Dan stuck his head in the window and reminded my dad that if they were late, they were going to have to run laps.

Greg then stuck his head in the window and said to my dad what everyone else was thinking. "Mr. S....why should the rest of us get punished because she forgot that stupid flag? Go ahead and take us to practice, take her home to get her stupid flag, then bring her back up here. By the time y'all get back, practice will almost be over with, she'll have to run laps because she's late, and we can all sit in the bleachers and laugh at her. We'll even save you a seat."

My dad said to Laurie "Well, he has a point. With all of this construction, by the time we come back up here practice will almost be finished. Why don't you just skip tonight?"

Laurie whined "NOOOO!!!! If I miss tonight, it means I can't march in the first game. I've already missed my five days."

Greg poked his head back in the cab. "Well, BOO HOO! I mean who cares? It's not like you're the star of the band or anything. No one's going to miss you."

Laurie told Greg to shut up. My dad told them both to shut up because he wasn't in the mood to hear it. He said he was going to drop them off at the school, take Laurie home, then he'd bring her BACK up there and just wait for the practice to end. He was not happy about it, but that's what he did.

When they got back home, Laurie ran to her house to get her flag. My dad rolled her window down after she got out. She returned with her flag and immediately rolled the window up.

My dad told her to roll the window back down. She looked at him and said, "But what about my hair?" My dad, by this time was not in the mood to be messed with and had absolutely no patience for her nonsense.

He just looked at her and said "What about your hair? It's 98 degrees and it's hot. You're going to marching practice, not a church social. That window stays down."

Laurie rolled the window back down. My dad looked at her again and said, "OK...before I back out of this driveway, do you have everything you need?" Laurie said "Yes." My dad said "Are you sure?" Laurie said "Yes." My dad said "Are you positive?" Laurie said "Yes...why do you seem to think I've forgotten something?"

My dad said "Well....I just don't know. I mean you go to band practice every night. You're in the flag corps and you forgot your flag. I just want to make sure there's nothing else that's that obvious that you forgot."

Laurie (using Laurie logic) said "Well, it's really everybody else's fault. Greg or Danny, Cindy, or David should have noticed I didn't have it and should have reminded me to get it. And how come you didn't notice it?"

Now, my brothers and I knew better than to have made a remark like that. But Laurie, was Laurie. And that was a typical Laurie response.

When my dad finally got home that night, he told us all the whole story. He was still royally aggravated with the whole thing but he did say that it was quite amusing to see her run around that track with all the neighborhood kids yelling "HA HA....LAURIE HAS TO RUN TRACK! HAHAHAHA!"

He laughs about it now, but is still in complete amazement at all of the example of her idiocy.

Tune in for the next episode...It's called Laurie and the Rock Star."