Reunion Aftermath......

There is a reason I haven't mentioned this blog to my family.....because I'd probably be disowned.

Well, not really, but at the very least it would be a situation where people would say "Better not say nothin' 'bout this to you-know-who lest it be broadcast out on the internet for everybody else in the free world to read about it."

Well, maybe not even that....probably just a "I wished you hadn't written about THAT of all things!"

But this was just too dang rich to pass up, so I thought I'd just tell y'all all about it.

Now....if you remember way back when, I had written a little piece about all of the trials and tribulations of planning a family reunion. If you've forgotten about it or need a refresher, then click here.

Well, for the last several months there has been a little mini drama going on within the family...and like I said, it is just too rich to NOT write about.

First off, in case some of my family stumbles on this blog accidentally, you will note that the names have been changed to protect the guilty. For everyone else, to keep things simple I'm going to substitute the actual names with the names characters from the TV show Dallas.

Now for the setting. There was a minor bruhaha at the reunion last year.

My dad's cousin Sue Ellen had been out to the old family cemetery and noted that it was in a real sad state.

This cemetery sits way out in the middle of nowhere. My great grandparents, great great grandparents, and assorted great aunts uncles and cousins are buried there. The cemetery probably has about 30 graves and it's been about 70-80 years since anyone was buried there.

Being that it is an old family cemetery, there is no perpetual care, so it is up to the remaining family to care for it. Unfortunately, age and/or distance keeps the family from properly maintaining the cemetery and as a result it has become overgrown with weeds, fallen trees, etc.

Sue Ellen decided to do something about the situation. So she started putting feelers out prior to the reunion. Her idea was to take up a collection at the reunion, pay someone to come out with a bush hog and clear out the brush and trees, and then use whatever money was left to have someone come out periodically during the spring and summer to keep the cemetery mowed. She mentioned this idea in passing to several family members and MOST (emphasis on MOST!) everyone was in agreement that this was a good idea.

So....the day of the reunion, we were met in the parking lot by my dad's cousin Cliff Barnes. Cliff was just a fussin'. He was all p*ssed off with Sue Ellen because he had gotten wind that she was going to stand up during the reunion begging for money to clear out that cemetery and he just wasn't havin' it! He didn't care nuttin' 'bout that old cemetery and not everybody has the money that Sue Ellen has and if that growed up old cemetery bugs Sue Ellen so much then she should just open up her own dang pocketbook and pay for it her own dang self. (Well....he didn't say that exactly, but that was the jist of it.)

This is also the same cousin that was p*ssed because this reunion was costing him $5 a head for his crowd (which consists of his wife, two sons in their mid 50's one of which is a pharmacist, their wives, and one grandchild and why in the world his sons couldn't pay the $5 bucks for their own wives and kid is beyond me.) and not everybody has that kind of money, but since this was a reunion he figured he'd come. I guess that was his way of letting us know that we should all be greatful for his presence.

OK...so far, Cliff is p*ssed off at having to pay $35 for an 7 people to have an all you can eat meal of catered BBQ, Brunwick stew, and a ton of homemade covered side dishes and desserts and even more p*ssed off at the thought of being asked to pay to help clean off the cemetery that his grandparents are buried in.....and he wanted to get some people on his side.

So as he was just a fussin' at us about it, someone else drove up and we ran over to them to do the Southern "hug hug kiss kiss how you been good to see you" thing and left Cliff to attack someone else.

Well, he found an easy target. Gary and his brother Ray were the oldest cousins and they were just as stingy. They had already heard about Sue Ellen's little plan and they were all prepared to let her have it with both barrels when the subject came up.

So, fast forward a little bit. Dinner is finished and Sue Ellen stands up to give her little speech. She had already found someone willing to clear out the underbrush for around $200 and she was looking in to getting someone to do the mowing. She had already figured that if it was mowed at least every other month in the spring and summer that would be enough to keep the weeds at bay and the biggest expense would be the inital clearing.

She said that she was going to pass the hat and asked everyone to just give whatever they could, IF they could. In other words, she understood that some might not be able to give at all, and some might could only spare a few bucks so there was no pressure or obligation.

Cliff, Gary, and Ray all stood at the back of the fellowship hall and all three of them were scowling. You could tell they were ROYALLY p*ssed.

Sue Ellen's husband, JR was an attorney. JR said to keep everything on the up and up, he was going to set up an account at the local bank to deposit the money into and for us to appoint two people to be in charge of the account. He would send statements to anyone who wanted it so they could see what was being deposited and withdrawn.

JR said that if we were going to retain someone to do the mowing, we were going to need enough money in the account to pay the mower. Someone would need to see that the cemetery was actually being mowed and then make sure the mower got paid. When the account funds got low, they would need to let JR know so that he could let everyone else know that it was time to take up another collection for the account.

Everyone agreed...well, almost everyone...but those three just kept their mouths shut. (I liked how Gary and Ray were going to give it to Sue Ellen with both barrels, but when the time came that just sat there and looked p*ssed.)

Most everyone kicked in about $20 a piece....when the three a$$holes saw that everyone else was giving without b*tching, they went ahead and kicked in their $20, too.....even though I'm sure it almost killed them to do it.

All in all, more than enough was collected to clear the cemetery and take care of mowing for a while.

Now....let's fast forward to a few months ago.

For reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with this story, Sue Ellen got a divorce. Totally unexpected, but the circumstances were warranted.

My uncle found heard this news by accident and initially passed it off as small town gossip. But since it had been a while since he had talked to Sue Ellen he decided to call her. During the course of the conversation, she broke the news to my uncle and explained what had happened.

My uncle told her how sorry he was to hear about it and to let him know if there was anything he could do.

Then he immediately got on the phone, called my dad and told him the whole saga. My dad hated to hear about it as well.

Now....(here's where it gets funny!)

My dad's cousin Cliff Barnes calls up my uncle a few days later. After the customary "how you doing, I'm fine, etc" Cliff says to my uncle "Hey....I heard a story this afternoon and I didn't know if it was true or not. You heard anything about Sue Ellen and JR gettin' a divorce?"

My uncle said "Yeah....it's true. I talked to Sue Ellen the other day and she told me. I really hated to hear about it."

(I swear on a stack of Bibles that Cliff said this!) "Well, me too 'cause where's that leave that $20 I gave her last year at the reunion?"

Not "What happened?" "How's she doing?" "What are her plans?" "How are the kids?" "Is she living in the house or is she moving?" No....nothing like that. Cliff didn't give a rat's a$$ about Sue Ellen's predicament....he wanted to know what come of his $20!

Of course, this is the same Cliff that years ago actually MADE his mother in law give him 5 cents whenever she drank a coke at his house....well, that's what I heard anyway.

Well, that just sort of flew all over my uncle, who could not wait to tell my dad....who in turn could not wait to tell the rest of us. When he told me, I actually thought he was joking...then I realized he was dead serious! I kicked in $20 myself at that reunion and I had actually forgotten all about it until my dad was telling me what Cliff had said. I told my dad I just couldn't believe that Cliff was still aggravated about handing over $20 to clean off a cemetery.

Seriously, about $400 was collected that day. After shelling out $200 to clear the cemetery and and another $50 for a couple of mowings, it's not like there was enough left in there for someone to take it and run off to the Caribbean and remain there for the rest of their life.

Later on, my dad and my uncle spoke again. My uncle said he had talked to Sue Ellen again and she was hanging in there. They were going to get together for dinner later on in the week. Then he and my dad began talking about Cliff, Gary, and Ray.

Both of them were laughing about Cliff, Gary, and Ray cussing the day they handed that $20 over. My uncle then came up with a brilliant idea. He said when he met up with Sue Ellen, he was going to tell her she needed to call Cliff because he was about to sh*t all over himself about that $20 he gave her to clean off the cemetery. (That's a direct quote and I just laugh at the mental image!)

I told my dad that that I thought someone needed to call Cliff and tell him they were getting ready to plan another family reunion, same menu, same price, and we needed to pass the hat for the cemetery cleaning. My dad said he really WOULD sh*t all over himself then.

The sad thing is that I love doing family research. One thing that is really stressed in the books is to find out as much as you can from your relatives while you can because they won't be around forever. Write down the family stories so that your future descendants can know more about your life, your personality, what you were like, etc. Census records, birth and death records only state names and dates, but they don't present the true picture of your ancestors. It's the stories that bring the ancestor to life.

I can see the reasoning behind this, but I swear if my descendants knew some of these stories (this one being a prime example) they would think some of these people were crazier than bat sh*t.

So to set the record straight, Cliff, JR, and Gary, along with Devil Spawn, his parents and grandparents are the crazy ones. The rest of us are fairly sane.....we just like to keep the pot stirred and laugh at the rest of them.

Catchin' Up

Since I haven't written anything in a while, let's play catch up!

I've got a new best friend! His (or her....I haven't decided!) name is Kindle. Click here to read all about him/her. Ain't he/she simply AMAZING! I've taken him/her everywhere with me. Right now, I'm reading Lonesome Dove and To Kill A Mockingbird. Both of these are much better than the movies.

Next up is a diary that was written by a pioneer while on the Oregon Trail and after that I've found another diary written by someone that was part of the Donner Party.

I went to the doctor today. It was a good news/bad news sort of thing. I had all of my lab work done last week because the doctor likes to have all of the results to go over with you in person rather than via letter or a phone call.

As soon as he walked in, the first thing he said, (after "How are you?") was "What have you been doing?" My cholesterol last year was 214.....now it's 135. Also, somehow between last week and this week I've lost eight pounds. Just for the heck of it, about two months ago, I declared Friday night Strawberry Margarita night. Maybe strawberries and tequila are great for cholesterol...but I got no explanation for the eight pounds....but I'll take it. That was the good news. As for the bad news, my glucose level was up, so now I have to watch out since diabetes runs in the family.

Most everyone knows by now that I got rid of my Nissan truck and got a Jeep Patriot as part of the gubmint "Cash for Clunkers" program. Thanks Unka Obama! My Jeep ain't got no bling, but I like it. By the way, my Jeep ain't NOTHING like Devil Spawn's.....mines better. I drove it to South Carolina over the weekend and it got 28 miles to the gallon.

What else is going on....oh yeah. I missed the first few minutes of Hell's Kitchen so I have no idea what happened there. But as I was flipping the TV around, I found a new TV show. It's called Ruby and the Rockits. I started to just flip it, but something made me stay on it for just a second.

You will NEVER guess who's back on TV! David Cassidy!!!!!! Now for the bad news....he got old! Here's the good news! His brother is on the same TV show and he is smokin' HAWT....gray hair and all! Something tells me I may be missing the last half hour of Hell's Kitchen this season.

Here's a word of warning. If I hear one more person say "I'm putting myself out there" I'm going to puke. It just seems like you can't watch anything on TV without someone saying that at least once in any given TV show.

There was some exciting news (NOT!) in my neighborhood this afternoon. My property abuts the Colonial Pipeline right of way. Twice a year, Colonial comes out and clears out the right of way with a bush hog.

This afternoon, they paid a little visit. I mentioned it in passing to my husband, who reminded me to be on the lookout for snakes....copperheads, in particular, since their habitat had been disturbed. I hate snakes.

So that's pretty much all that's going on right now.

What? Oh Ok.....

Well, I gotta go. Kindle's calling me. He/she said that Atticus is just about to prove Bob Ewell is lyin' and I've got to finish the courthouse chapter tonight before going to bed.

Our Little Demon Spawn Is All Growed Up! (Sorta)

Some of y'all know of whom I speak....that would be my cousin's son who we refer to as Demon Spawn, Devil Child, Little Sh*t, among a whole host of assorted well-earned nicknames.

Trust me on this, if y'all knew him, I'm sure you'd come up with your own. Remember in "Smokey and The Bandit" how Jackie Gleason referred to Junior as a "Tick Turd"? I had thought about using that name as a name for Benjamin, but then I realized just how insulting that would be to all turds.

But, I digress......

Anyway, the latest word on the spawn is that he is looking to move out on his own.....because as he said "It just don't look right for me to be living with my grandma." So Demon Spawn is looking for an apartment. How he plans to PAY RENT on said apartment is a mystery to me. But the bigger question is WHY?

He has a live in maid (Grandma), someone to wash his clothes (Grandma), an awesome cook (Grandma), and someone to make sure that the lawn gets mowed (Grandpa). Who could ask for anything more?

So, we've decided he's moving out for one of two reasons:

a) All his little red neck buddies are making for of him for living at home.

-or-

b) He wants to "party" with his girlfriend and it's hard to "party" when Grandma's bedroom is right across the hall. (I'm going with this one!)

As soon as I have any news, I'll post it.

Oh...wait....I do have some news! Michael Jackson is still dead.

How I Spent My Fourth Of July Weekend

Thursday:

My dad got a new laptop, so I spent the better part of the day getting it set up for him. Got the wireless router working, got all of the periperals working (printer, ipod, etc, got a hard drive enclosure, yanked the hard drive from the old computer and stuck it in the enclosure, got itunes moved over, deauthorized from the old computer and authorized to the new computer, packed up old computer, then made myself a margarita.

Got the latest Michael Jackson update...(still dead)....it's like a real live version of Weekend at Bernie's!

Friday:

Tried to figure out what to do about my sister in laws birthday. I decided to get her a Michael Jackson cake. Chocolate cake with white icing....hahaha!

I downloaded a book to my iphone. Since I didn't have anything really planned for the day, I was GOING to resort to my usual tactic of reading it for free. I read really fast, so usually, instead of spending $20 on a book, it's easier to pick a day when I have nothing planned, head down to good old B&N, find the book I want to read, buy a cocoa from Starbucks, find a nice quiet table, and read the book.

HOWEVER, the reviews for the book in question were just too interesting to pass up, plus I didn't have 3 hrs to spare at B&N, so I downloaded it to my iphone for $9.99. Kindle for iphone absolutely ROCKS!!!!!

Michael Jackson update....still dead. But at least, there are plans to get him in the ground now. I seriously thought about starting an ugly rumor. See what you think. It goes like this:

Michael Jackson is NOT dead. This is something he has had in the works for years. The only reason he married Lisa Marie was to find out how Elvis managed to pull off faking HIS death. She spilled the beans, he took notes, they split, and he's on an island somewhere with Elvis and JFK. Oh....and Elton John is going to rewrite Candle in the Wind and sing it at Micheal Jackson's funeral. Then he's going to record it and release it just like he did with Princess Diana's version and make a ton of money. Oh...and the only reason Sarah Palin resigned was because she was as sick and tired of the Michael Jackson coverage as everyone else and figured this would be a way to get him off the news.

Saturday:

Finished the book, so now I'll do my own little mini book review.

The name of the book is "Prairie Tale" and it is Melissa Gilbert's memoir. You know...Half pint from "Little House."

In the original review that was the deal sealer that made me buy the book, the reviewer wrote that after reading the book they would never look at Kent McCord (remember him from Adam-12?) and Valerie Harper (remember her from Mary Tyler Moore and Rhoda?) the same way again. They were referring to the time when Melissa Gilbert was running for the presidency of SAG against Valerie Harper.

Well, after completing the book, I completely agree....sort of. If what she wrote about Kent McCord is true, I'm surprised that the actors that played doctors on TV didn't have him commited to one of the TV hospitals. As for Valerie Harper....she was no surprise.

However, I'll never look at Half Pint the same way again. I guess being on that prairie does things to people. Let's just say that Half Pint at one time drank about a quart or two a day.....and Madonna ain't got nuttin' on Half Pint. That girl got around!

And no mention was made about Rob Lowe's little visit to Atlanta during the Democratic Convention of 1988, even though Melissa Gilbert was "dating" him at the time. (It involved a video tape and a 16 year old.) That Hollywood crowd is a fast crowd.

Then....I did something I said I was not going to do. I decided to treat myself and order myself a Kindle. For the ones that don't know, a Kindle is like an ipod for books. It's awesome! You can store up to 1500 books on it, order books directly from the kindle and they are downloaded to it wirelessly so there is no need for a computer interface...AND...you can surf the net with it. It will be here Friday and I can't wait!

Sunday:

I went to a farmer's market and I actually bought FRESH produce. I bought squash, zuchinni, green beans, Vidalia onions, and watermelon. Then I came home, cooked everything that needed to be cooked, refrigerated everything that needed to be refrigerated, and dinner for the next week is done.

Then I sat down and read some good old paulding.com. I found out that a bear was spotted near my neighborhood. Somebody went into a cave that had been gated and locked and was p*ssed when he came out and found out that the landowner had called the cops on him for trespassing. This twerp actually thought the landowner and the cops were being a$$holes.

Bulletin!

Michael Jackson is *STILL* dead.

Carry on..........