Family News.......

News from the world of Benjamin:

Fox News Alert!! He's moved back in with Meemaw. (Yeah, I know. Color ME surprised.) Don't know the reasons, but the smart money says that he probably couldn't come up with rent money. As far as I know, he is still waiting on that phone call from the sheriff's department about his job.

Family Reunions:

Why are people so difficult? My mom's side of the family is so easy because it is the same plan every year.

Time: The last last Saturday in October, from 11am - 3ish
Place: Crossroads Baptist Church
Gameplan: Bring a covered dish and tea. Dinnerware and food heating facilities are in the church kitchen. Paper plates provided by the church. A collection will be taken up during the reunion for a love offering to the church and to replenish paper plate supply.

In other words, everyone know the drill. If you want to go, just show up. If you don't, then sorry you can't make it, maybe next year. No big deal.

My dad's side is a completely different story. It usually starts something like this:

One cousin will call another cousin and say "Are we going to have a reunion this year? Has anybody said anything about it?"

"Nope, I haven't heard anything, but Mary Jean usually keeps up with that stuff. Let me call her and see if she's heard anything."

"Hey Mary Jean. Listen, Eunice was asking if we're going to have a family reunion this year. Have you heard anything?"

"No, but remember last year, RuthAnn said something about just making it every OTHER year instead of every year, because it's a lot of work to put one of these together."

"Well, that's all well and good, but the thing about it is some of these cousins may not even BE here year after next, so we probably all should get try to get together."

"Yeah I know; I'll check around and let you know what I find out."

So this phone call goes around to various branches of the family, until someone eventually takes the bait and decides to go ahead and plan one. They'll pick a date and pick a place. Then the phone calls start back up again.

(For the record, all of these names have been changed to protect the guilty.)

Jim: "Ok, Eunice...I just heard from Roy. He said let's plan on the the third Saturday in October at The Dillard House."

Eunice: "Dillard! Dillard, GEORGIA???!!!? Shoot, that's two durn hours away. Plus, it'll probably wind up being something like $15 dollars a person. The only reason Roy wants to have it in Dillard is because he LIVES there. He don't think about everyone else. Well, he never did so why should I be surprised? Oh h*ll....let me think about it and get back to you. I'll call Aunt Lois's crowd, Uncle Frank's crowd and Aunt Mamie's crowd. You go ahead and let the rest know."

Mike: "Hey June. Listen I just got a phone call from Eunice. She said that Roy wants to have the reunion at The Dillard House the third Saturday in October."

June: "Dillard! What in the h*ll is he thinking?? I'm not driving all the way from Perry to Dillard to spend what?....all of two hours there and then have to drive all the way back to Perry. Does he not know how much gas costs these days? Plus, I know that place costs a fortune and it ain't all that great....at least it wasn't when I ate there 20 years ago."

So, this conversation goes all through the family with everyone (with the exception of Roy) b*tching about having a reunion in Dillard at The Dillard House. Roy gets mad because he doesn't understand why everyone is b*tching.

Then, someone else will pick up the ball.

Jane: "Hey Eunice. I just heard from Nelle. They want to have the reunion over at Ryan's in Hartwell on the second Saturday in October."

Eunice: "Well, Jane I just don't know how that's going to work for us. I think UGA is playing at home that weekend and Hank has tickets. I know I could just go on without Hank, but I just hate the thought of driving in all that Hartwell traffic. But, I'll let everyone in my crowd know and get the word out."

Eunice: "Kate? Hey, it's Eunice. Jane said that Nelle is wanting to have the reunion over at Ryan's in Hartwell on the second Saturday in October."

Kate: "Oh, sure have it at Ryan's! You know this really p*sses me off! Nelle knows good and well that my son and daughter in law have a restaurant in Comer that they have already said they would close up on Saturday so that we could have the reunion there. It would wind up being about $5 a head and they'd cook anything we wanted. I tell you what. Can you do me a favor? Call Nelle for me and tell her she can just kiss my a$$. Uh yeah....that means I won't be there."

So word gets around that Ryan's in Hartwell is out. So is the restaurant in Comer because Joe said he'd been over there and it was so filthy even the roaches refused to eat there. Joe then decided to do everyone a favor and relay that tidbit to everyone in the family (except Kate) so it would be sure to get shot down before it even happened.

Someone else picks up the ball.

Purnell: "Hey George. I got a phone call from Hiram. They've decided to have the reunion at the First Baptist Church in Lavonia on the third Saturday in October. It's going to be covered dish."

George: "Oh, crap. I hate covered dish. Why don't they have barbecue and stew? Everybody likes barbecue and stew. And it ain't that much trouble. There's a great barbecue place out on Elberton Hwy. Someone could go there that morning and pick up about 3 gallons of stew and probably about 25 lbs of barbecue would do the trick. It probably wouldn't be more than $8 a head."

Purnell: "Well, for one thing, Hank's already said anything more than $5 a head, then count him out. You know how stingy he is. I like barbecue, too, but Eunice said she's sick of having barbecue every year."

George: "Who's in charge of this thing anyway? I'm going to call Hiram and tell him he needs to change it to barbecue and stew instead of covered dish. Who the h*ll cares what Eunice thinks, anyway? Just because she doesn't want barbecue and stew doesn't mean everyone else has to go along with it. I'll help you get the word out, but go ahead and tell them that Hiram is going to pick up barbecue and stew."

RuthAnn: "Hello? Bobo? Yeah, it's RuthAnn. Hank just called and said....oh, you heard already. Yeah, I'm glad it's going to barbecue instead of covered dish. Well, the main reason I don't want to have covered dish is if Kate and her crowd is going to be there. Have you been over to Kate's house? That woman has about 22 cats living inside her house. You walk in smelling like spring flowers and you walk out smelling like cat p*ss. JD said that Kate had given him a quart of homemade pickles; he said they tasted funny and he got sick afterwards. I told him it was probably because they were pickled in cat p*ss instead of cider vinegar."

So, here's where it stands right now:

Kate and her crowd are p*ssed off and boycotting the reunion because word got back to her what Joe and RuthAnn had said.

Eunice is boycotting because it's going to be barbecue and stew.

Roy ain't coming because he'd have to drive from Dillard to Lavonia and it's too d*mn far. June won't be there for the same reason.

Nelle won't be there because Joe told her that Kate was coming so Nelle would be sure to stay home.

George decided not to come because Hiram is getting the the barbecue and stew from Chuck's Pork Palace instead of from Jake's Pig in a Poke. He's said heard things about Chuck's and none of them were good.

RuthAnn won't be there because she noticed that the cook over at Chuck's was some sort of foreigner and she heard he eats goat. She thinks that the stew probably has goat meat in it.

JD said he didn't know if he'd be there or not because just the thought of food makes him sick ever since he ate Kate's pickles.

Purnell said he wasn't coming because it sounded like no one much was going to be there.

In the meantime, Jane just called my dad. She's p*ssed.

"I swear Ken! First it was going to be on the third Saturday in October, then it got changed to the second Saturday in October and now it's switched back to the third Saturday. It was going to be in Dillard, then it got changed to Hartwell and then it got changed to Lavonia. It was going to be catered, then it was going to be covered dish and now it's going to be barbecue. People need to know so that they can be making plans. What the h*ll is so difficult about planning a reunion, anyway?"