Before reading any further, it might behoove you to refamiliarize your self with my previous rambling about the characters mentioned in this post using the links provided.
Christmas With Little Sh*t Part II
Did you look closely at an oak tree? Notice how large the branches are and how each branch sprouts off into smaller limbs that are large in and of themselves and how those limbs contain their own large limbs that splinter off until you can trace the tree all the way to its to tiny twigs.If you look close enough, occasionally you’ll find a branch that just isn’t quite right. It’s part of the main tree, but most of its limbs, twigs, and leaves don’t seem to match the rest of the tree.
It might be that that particular branch is infested with a fungus; it may have suffered some sort of injury due to an animal that has made the tree its home; or that branch may have been struck by lightning.
My family tree is somewhat like that oak tree. Most of the family branches are intact, fairly normal and healthy, but we have this one branch that got infected with the dumbass gene somewhere along the way….about 24 years ago to be exact.
That would be about the time that my cousin met this guy (let’s just call him Big Sh*t), they got married and spawned a child that we now know as Little Sh*t.
OK….enough with my p*ss poor John-Boy imitation….on with the story!!!!
So Saturday, my dad’s side of the family had their family reunion. Meemaw, Little Sh*t’s mom and of course, Little Sh*t and his girlfriend were there.
So, my uncle takes my parents aside and regales them this little gem!
Apparently, for several months, Meemaw has been hounding my uncle to find Little Sh*t a house. Because my uncle is a home inspector, he knows most of the local real estate agents, loan managers at banks, etc., so he knows what’s on the market, what’s being foreclosed, what’s a good/bad deal, etc.
Now, keep in mind that Meemaw is way too busy feeding Little Sh*t, washing his clothes, and tending to his basic necessities to be bothered with looking for a house for him herself.
My guess is that the only reason this house buying idea has come up is because now that Little Sh*t has become somewhat serious with this girlfriend, Meemaw sees there may be a future Mrs. Little Sh*t and possibly a litter of Little Sh*ts to carry on the dumbass gene and therefore, Little Sh*t needs his own home.
Well, my uncle finally found a prospect! The homeowner was wanting someone to pay him 20K and then take over the payments on the property.
My uncle relayed the info to Meemaw and she said that sounded like a good deal to her.
Now here’s where it gets funny!
Being that Meemaw is still living in the home that they built 50 years ago, she isn’t really “bank savvy”, “real estate savvy” and is relatively naïve to the way the rules work in Obamanomics of 2010.
So my uncle informed her that if (big if) the bank would be willing to finance Little Sh*t, he would need to pay twenty percent down of the asking price. Twenty percent of $20,000 is $4000!!!
Meemaw was quite shocked! She thought he would only have to pay five percent or less! (Did I mention Meemaw isn’t really bank savvy?).
Then my uncle informed her he would also have to pay closing costs and to count on somewhere between one and two thousand for that.
Again….color Meemaw SHOCKED!
And then there’s insurance, etc.
Well, Meemaw was astonished!
She said there was just no way Benjamin could handle that because he was still paying on his truck, his jetskis (WTF???? He’s had those jetskis for at least 4 or 5 years and he bought them USED! You’d think they’d be paid for by now!) still paying on his fourwheeler, and God only knows what else he’s paying, but I can tell you right now he’s definitely NOT paying rent, room or board to Meemaw!
Well, we all got a good chuckle out of that.
Good story, huh? Well it doesn’t end there and this is just TOO RICH!!!!
My uncle calls my dad up on Sunday and fills him in on what Paul Harvey would call “The REST of the Story.” Keep in mind the reunion had not even ended 24 hours prior to this phone call!
After the reunion, Meemaw asked if Little Sh*t’s mama had told him what Little Sh*t did.
Norman said “No.”
Well, Little Sh*t felt like he deserved a raise, so he went to his boss last week and told him just that!
Little Sh*t’s boss informed him that if he hadn’t noticed, business hasn’t been all that great and he was barely making enough money from the business to keep it open.
So Little Sh*t hauls off and tells this guy that if he doesn’t come up with a raise, then his last day would be on Friday. His boss said “I hope you don’t mean that.” Little Sh*t said, “Well, let’s just see what happens on Friday.”
Well, Friday came and went….Little Sh*t doesn’t get his raise and now he doesn’t have a job, either. (Did I mention that Meemaw said he was still paying on his truck, jetskis, etc.?)
Now you’re probably thinking to yourself, well surely he had another job already lined up? Folks, remember I said that tree branch had been infected with the dumbass gene?
OF COURSE LITTLE SH*T DID NOT HAVE ANOTHER JOB LINED UP!!!!
So now, lets turn our attention to the events of yesterday, when my uncle relayed the latest news to us.
It seems as though Little Sh*t was sure that his boss would call him up over the weekend and just beg on his hands and knees to come back to work….because after all, that body shop was just going to go under when word got out around town that Little Sh*t had quit.
Well, Little Sh*t’s boss didn’t call, so Little Sh*t decided yesterday that he was going to move back to Augusta.
He told Meemaw he already had his house picked out (translation: he is going to move in with his mama) and he’d get a job in Augusta.
It seems as though one of his buddies told him there were TONS of car dealerships in Augusta and he’d have a job in any one of their collision repair shops just as soon as he walked in the door. Plus, some of those people in the service department take home $500 per week!
Side note: Earth to Little Sh*t…..you are certified in body repair….not as an auto mechanic….BIG DIFFERENCE!!!!
So just like in 1859, when pioneers traveled westward to California in hopes of striking gold, Little Sh*t has traveled eastward in search of a job.
I’m sure one he gets settled in at his mama’s, he’ll send for his girlfriend.
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