Little House - 2009

A while back I wrote a piece where I outlined my idea for an updated version of that tv show "The Waltons."

Well, this evening I was watching an episode of "Little House on the Prairie" and decided that maybe I could update that one, as well.

First off...the title. Houses are out....McMansions and condos are in. Prairies are out.....living in-town is in.

Now...money was somewhat scarce with the Ingalls family so obviously the McMansion is out. So, my new show would be called "Little Section 8 Condo South of Fulton Industrial Boulevard."

OK..now on with the characters. Now before we start, I don't want to hear any backlash of what I am about to do to these beloved characters. Michael Landon took a TON of liberties with these characters when he produced/directed/starred in/ and wrote this tv show.

I read every single LHOTP book when I was a kid and I don't ever recall Laura running off to the Little Mountain Range on the Prairie after her brother died and hang around with a guy that looked like Ernest Borgnine. Mary never got married and there was no Albert. And this family flitted around from Wisconsin to Iowa to the Dakota Territory to Kansas, as well as Minnesota! Michael Landon didn't write about THAT did he? I guess that was because it was easier to dig up old Bonanza scripts and rework them for Little House.

That said, let's start with Ma. Ma doesn't work. She gets a government subsidy and since Mary is blind, she gets a Social Security check. If Ma needs money, she picks up coke cans along the side of the road and takes them in for recycling.

As for Pa, in my version there's not one Pa, but four. (Yes, four!). Mary has her own Pa, Laura has her own Pa, Carrie has her own Pa, and Grace has her own Pa.

If you recall, in the actual tv show, Doc Baker didn't run around prescribing birth control pills. In my version, Doc Baker works down at the free clinic and prescribed birth control pills for Ma, but she sells them on the black market to make a few extra bucks. So now Ma has four kids with four different baby daddies.

Ma and Mary's Pa are constantly fighting over who gets to claim Mary as a dependant. Since she's blind, she gets to get counted twice so it's always a battle.

Laura's Pa is in jail for credit card fraud. Carrie's Pa runs up to cars with a rag and washes their windshield while stopped at traffic lights and Grace's Pa left town as soon as Ma showed him the home pregnancy test that she bought at The Little CVS South of Fulton Industrial Boulevard.

Mary is blind, but while at the school for the blind she was able to pick up a trade. Mary makes a great living braiding and weaving hair. She has everyone come to the condo and insists that they pay in cash so that Ma can continue to claim her as a dependant.

Laura lives with Almanzo in the condo. In my version, Almanzo's last name is not Wilder. It Gutierrez y Ramirez. He speaks very little English and has a fake green card.

Almanzo is not a farmer; in my version he is a day laborer that hangs around a QT near Six Flags picking up the occasional roofing or drywall job. At the end of the day, he turns over half of his wages to Ma. In exchange, Ma won't call immigration on him.

Laura is a teacher. She teaches popular massage "techniques" at a "spa" off of Roswell Road.

Carrie goes to alternative school. She had a run in with a couple of teachers and is considered to be a truant. Ma is constantly being called by the school regarding Carries behavior and has told Carrie if she doesn't straighten up she's sending her to Mr. Edward's Boot Camp For Wayward Teenagers.

Grace is a baby and has been assigned a case worker. Miss Beadle, Carrie's old teacher, lives next door and is concerned about the large amount of traffic going in and out of the Little Section 8 Condo South of Fulton Industrial Boulevard and it's her duty as a teacher to report it.

Ma's already told Miss Beadle she needs to mind her own d@mn business and if she keeps it up she's gonna get one of Ma's size 9 boots up her rear.

Mr. and Mrs. Oleson run the condo association and do their best to maintain the exterior of the section 8 condos so that all the surrounding properties are able to maintain their value.

Now...you're probably thinking that can't be right because in the TV show, Mr. and Mrs. Oleson ran the store.

Well, the store is run by Mi Su-Ling and Gu Ming...two Koreans immigrants. Mrs. Oleson can't stand them because the only thing they sell in the store is kimchi and sushi.

In the show and in the books, one of the more quaint parts was when the family sat around in the evenings listening to Pa playing the fiddle. Well, in my version, Carrie pawned her Pa's fiddle for a cell phone. The family sits around in the evenings in my version and listens to sounds of sirens and the occasional gunshot piercing the still of the night.

Now that I've outlined the characters, I guess I need a plot. Hmmmm.....How 'bout Mrs. Oleson decides to kick all the Section 8'ers out when their lease is up so she can raise the rent and turn it into a gated community? Almanzo and his gang find out about it and plan to spray her house with buckshot and it's up to Laura to get the guns and ammo!

Tune in later for that exciting episode!