I’ve decided that in the event I need another career, I’m going to work at a newspaper as an advice columnist. Sort of like a combination of Dear Abby and Dr. Laura (except I won’t be as b*tchy.) So in preparation, I've solicited a few letters.
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Dear Scout;
I am an extremely wealthy widow with two grown children. My problem is with my daughter.
My daughter stars in a reality show along with her husband and their two children. In just about every episode of her TV show, she manages to make some sort of comment about me and imply that I am a bad mother.
It really hurts. It hurts so much that I wrote a letter to her, put it up on my website and then called all the tabloids so they would write about it and everyone would feel sorry for me.
I've never seen my grandchildren and I have no idea as to where they live. I've had my people contact her people to set up a meeting so we can get this settled once and for all.
I'm not sure what her problem is. Her daddy gave her a starring role on one of his TV show years ago. Lord knows she wouldn't have gotten it any other way. Her daddy bought and paid for her boob job and had her nose fixed.
By the time he died, her dad had about 500 kagillion dollars. When I wrote, I mean *HE* wrote his will, he wasn't going to leave her anything because she was acting so ugly, but I told him he needed to eave her at LEAST $800,000. I thought be doing so we could have maybe have some semblance of a relationship.
But it was all for naught. Now I sit here in my 15.000,000,000 square foot home, with a bowling alley, swimming pools, golf course, and private airport and I am all alone with only 1000 housekeepers, 3 crews of groundskeepers, a security team, my hairstylist, my publicity agent, my personal assistant, my makeup artist, my personal trainer and my chef to keep me company.
I really want to repair my relationship with my daughter....do you know of another media outlet I can use to talk to my daughter?
Sandy Snelling (not my real name)
Dear Candy….I mean
You really need to grow up and get a life. This business about posting a letter to Tori...I mean your daughter....on your website? What kind of crap was that? Why didn’t you just go on national TV and read the letter? Oh wait….you did!
What I’m trying to say is what the h*ll were you thinking? I really think you two need to work it out privately, but since you both seem to be a couple of publicity wh*res, maybe you should book an appearance on Dr. Phil.
But prepare yourself, because I think after 5 minutes he's going to knock the sh*t out of both of you.
Good Luck!
Scout
Dear Scout;
I am the star of a reality TV series and my mom’s a total beotch. I've really got a huge dilemma and you are the only one I can turn to.
I’m supposed to go to a movie premier next month.
Signed,
Lori Snelling (not my real name)
Dear "Lori":
Yeah, your mom is a total beotch.....you should hear what she says about you.
Anyway, I'd go with the smile, but don't show your teeth. Your head is kind of long and you might be mistaken for a horse.
If it makes you feel any better, Sarah Jessica Parker and Julia Roberts have the same problem, so you are in pretty good company.
Have fun!
Scout
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Dear Scout;
I am a business traveler and last month I was stuck on the flight from h*ll.
Our plane was stranded on the runway for 15 hours in Armpit,
We ran out of peanuts, and I swear after having to use that plane’s toilet, I think some of these people work with you based on one of your previous posts. Did your company have some sort of convention there?
Anyway, what do you suggest I do to avoid this in the future?
Signed,
Captain Morgan
Dear Captain;
The solution to your problem is so surprisingly simple that I'm surprised it has not been used before.
There is a bill in Congress called the Passenger Bill of Rights, but everyone is too busy arguing about healthcare so it's going to be quite a while, I'm afraid before this bill goes anywhere.
Hopefully, you will not have to endure this situation every again....I kind of know what you've been through because believe me, I see that bathroom at work everyday and it's just scary.....and no, to my knowledge, my company did not have any events scheduled in Armpit, Nebraska.
Now, should this ever occur again, here's what you should do. You need to use it with caution! What you do is tell the pilot to radio the tower and tell them that all of the passengers and crew have taken the plane hostage, they are not allowing anyone to leave, and they are prepared to stay there all day if need be....then start singing "The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round," just to add to the hell.
Believe me, when they hear the word "hostage" they are going to have a negotiating team out there PDQ and begging y'all to leave.
When they do, y'all allow the women and children to leave in exchange for a nice steak dinner for the remaining "hostages." Don't make the mistake of settling for pizza! At least get a nice meal out of it.
After everyone has finished dinner, then have the pilot radio the tower and tell them that the remaining passengers and crew will be allowed to leave. By the time everyone figures out what happened, everyone will be off the plane. But you have to have 100 percent participation from everyone on the plane in order to pull it off.
Happy Traveling!
Scout
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Guess what? I’ve got my own reality series! My daughter is going to be so p*ssed when she finds out!
So, what mean and evil things should I say about her on my show?
Signed,
Sandy Snelling (not my real name)
Dear Sandy:
Why don't you say that her show sucks and leave it at that?
Oh, and then tell her that you and Shannon Daughtery have become best friends and she's like the daughter you never had.
Scout
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Did I mention that my mom is a total beotch? Anyway, back to my movie premiere.
Who should I wear? Vera Wang or Stella McCartney?
Vera Wang is like primo in the fashion world and is a household name.
But Stella Freakin’ McCartney is the daughter of Sir Paul McCartney….I heard that he was in a band that my mom used to listen to….I think they were called the Fleas, or the Maggots, or something like that.
Plus, her dad's a "Sir" and that's like almost next to a King, right?
And, with her dad being in the music business and all, he must have a ton of money and he might even be willing to produce a new reality show for me that's even BETTER than my mom's.
So....Wang or McCartney?
Signed,
Lori Snelling (not my real name)
Dear "Lori",
First off, Sir Paul is NOT almost next to a king and the name of the band was The Beatles.
As for the dress, I'd have to actually see the dress before I could tell you who to pick. Even the best designers sometimes make these freakazoid dresses just to get everyone talking about it.
But based on your letter, it sounds like you just want to suck up to Stella so you could have an in with her dad so it doesn't matter what I say...you're going to pick Stella.
Have fun at the premiere!
Scout
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Dear Scout:
I can't believe my daughter turned out the way that she did. I mean I spent a fortune hiring the best nannies to raise her and look how she turned out. She's just so ungrateful.
Anyway....I heard through the grapevine that my daughter is trying to get in touch with this fellow....I believe his name is Sir Paul McCartney.
A friend of mine told me that he is extremely wealthy, widowed, and being that he is a Sir...he's almost like a king or something.
I am also extremely wealthy, widowed, and I guess I can be considered to be Hollywood royalty because my late husband was nicknamed "The King of T and A TV".
So...is there any way that you can put me in touch with this guy, Sir Paul?
Signed,
Sandy Snelling (not my real name)
Dear Sandy:
I can certainly tell where your daughter got her smarts! As for Sir Paul, I know of him, but I have never met him personally.
While I can understand that you have some things in common, I think you might be in for a shocker.
You're right in that he is widowed, but he remarried a few years ago and that marriage ended in a rather nasty divorce.
If you are thinking of pursuing a relationship with Sir Paul, do not be surprised if he asks you to sign a prenup.
That skank Heather took him to the cleaners!
Good Luck!
Scout
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Dear Scout:
I'm mad as h*ll and I'm not sure exactly what to do. Several years ago, I costarred in a movie with a rather handsome actor. I can't tell you his name, because we're both rather private people, but it rhymes with Mad Snit.
Anywho, he was married at the time and blah, blah, blah, the next thing you know he left his wife for me! In the meantime, we've adopted a whole litter of kids, we had one together, we're not going to get married until California recognizes Prop 8, and for every magazine cover that his ex-wife appears on, we appear on four more.
At this point, you're probably thinking that I have it all and what could my problem possibly be?
Well, I've got a stalker. There's this girl that is trying to act just like me.
She's a famous singer and I can't mention her name here but it rhymes (uh-oh...I think I just gave part of it away!) well...her FIRST NAME sounds like "Pea Ann".
Anyway, she made a movie with this guy and left her husband. This guy left his wife and now "Pea Ann" and this actor have become an item. People are starting to talk about it and she is on magazine covers that me and Brad....I mean me and my guy should be on!
Next thing you know, she'll be adopting babies from Vietnam, Korea (both North and South just to make me look bad!), Kenya, Serbia, and Loganville and getting tattoos all over herself.
So....what can I do to make her leave town?
Signed,
A J
Dear A J;
I think all you need to do is go up to "Pea Ann" next time you see her and say "Boo!" cause you are one scary skank.
She'll run straight back to Nashville as fast as those little stick legs can carry her.
I'll keep checking out the magazine covers to see how it turns out.
Good Luck!
Scout
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