Very few people are aware of my childhood acting career. Yep, I was a child actress. Not a star of television or movies, but theatre.
I starred in productions such as "Pa Vacuums The Living Room", "Radford and Mary Helen's First Date", "Trup and Cookie Monster Go To Athens", and "Paula and Jennifer Tell Everyone What They Want for Christmas".
Each of these productions was produced, written, and directed by myself or one of my cousins and starred all of us.
Our stage was a 10 foot long solid granite picnic table that sat underneath two huge oak trees in my grandparents' yard. Our audience consisted of a couple of cows and six or seven goats.
Our productions were based on somewhat true events culled from the lives of various family members. In some cases, we just selected a few family members and made up an outlandish stories about them.
We did three performances a day; that gave each one of us a chance to be a different character in the story and interpret the story in our own way.
"Pa Vacuums The Living Room" was a comedy based on a true story. My grandmother was a meticulous housekeeper and my grandfather helped around the house. As my grandfather vacuumed the living room, my grandmother was right behind him telling him how he was doing it all wrong. We thought it was quite comical, so we wrote our own version of it.
"Radford and Mary Helen's First Date" was a fictional romantic comedy. The leading characters were my dad's first cousin and his wife. We had absolutely no idea as to what their first date was like, but I'm sure fairly certain that they did not spend the date telling each other how ugly the other one was and knocking the crap out of each other. (For the record, Radford and Mary Helen are still married, and to my knowledge have never called each other ugly and have never knocked the crap out of each other.)
"Trup and Cookie Monster Go To Athens" was a semi true account of my cousins' aunt, the aforementioned Trup, and my cousins' grandmother's trip to Athens. Cookie Monster (another of my cousin Ann's nicknames and another story for another time) was not the best driver in the world. Trup had described their adventure to my cousins in great detail....and letting them know in no uncertain terms that she had almost been killed 26 times in that trip.
In our version, Cookie Monster is oblivious to driving in the wrong lane, going through stop signs and traffic lights, and constantly chattering about how awful everyone else is driving.
Trup had one line that was repeated 117 times in the play: "Watch out!!! You're going to kill us both!! AAAAAHHHHHH!!" (AAAAAHHHHHH!! was rewritten especially for our play. If our grandmother heard us say what Trup actually said, which was "SSHHH****TTTT!!!!!" she would have yanked out her switch, which would have shut down our play immediately.)
"Paula and Jennifer Tell Everyone What They Want For Christmas" was another semi true story.
For the record, my brothers and I NEVER told my grandparents what we wanted for Christmas. The rule in our house was that under no circumstances do you TELL someone like a grandparent, aunt, uncle, etc. what they WILL get you for Christmas. If you happen to receive a gift from someone, no matter how you felt about it, you were to act like it was the best gift ever and thank the giver.
Paula (my aunt by marriage) and Jennifer (her daughter.....my cousin) were carbon copies of each other. Let's just say I was quite shocked when one Thanksgiving, Paula told Jennifer to run get the Sears catalog so that they could tell (not show....not ask....TELL!) my grandmother what she (my grandmother) was going to get them for Christmas. My grandmother listened, but I can't remember if she actually went and bought any of what she was told to get.
Our little play consisted of Jennifer and Paula telling my grandmother what they wanted her to get them for Christmas from the Sears catalog. I played the part of my grandmother. In my version, my grandmother whipped out her hickory switch and proceeded to chase both of them around trying to give them a good whippin' for being so impudent.
As we got older, one by one we retired from acting. We still had plenty of material to draw from, but the pay was not that great, the cows and goats began expecting more diverse material, and it got harder to answer "NOTHING!!" without laughing whenever my grandmother would holler out "What in the world are y'all doing?".
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Redneckville
According to the Paulding scanner, police had to be called to the Shell station at 12o and 92 because someone pulled a gun on someone else waiting for gas. Apparently, they thought someone had cut in line.
I also just read that no less than 6 police cars are in the Kroger parking lot at 278 and 61. A fuel truck is expected later on tonight and the parking lot is packed with cars waiting. I'm guessing after the episode at the Shell station last night, they aren't taking any chances.
Supposedly, this could continue for several more weeks. I'm not looking forward to this.
I also just read that no less than 6 police cars are in the Kroger parking lot at 278 and 61. A fuel truck is expected later on tonight and the parking lot is packed with cars waiting. I'm guessing after the episode at the Shell station last night, they aren't taking any chances.
Supposedly, this could continue for several more weeks. I'm not looking forward to this.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Taylor Swift - Part Deux
I just realized after rereading yesterday's blog that I overlooked one more Taylor Swift song category.....it's called Taylor's sad.
It goes like this:
Taylor meets boy.
Taylor likes boy.
Boy likes Taylor......as a friend.
Taylor wants boy as boyfriend.
Boy says no.
Taylor is sad.
Taylor writes song about boy and how sad she is and how his new girlfriend isn't so hot.
Taylor records song and sells a million copies.
It goes like this:
Taylor meets boy.
Taylor likes boy.
Boy likes Taylor......as a friend.
Taylor wants boy as boyfriend.
Boy says no.
Taylor is sad.
Taylor writes song about boy and how sad she is and how his new girlfriend isn't so hot.
Taylor records song and sells a million copies.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Diagram of a Taylor Swift Album
The very first time I heard Taylor Swift sing a song, I thought "Bleahhh." I don't really have anything against the girl, she just wasn't my cup of tea.
But, they've played her stuff so much on the radio that she's sort of grown on me.....so much so that I actually went out and bought her CD.
Usually, a CD will contain songs about different topics. A country music CD is a good example. For instance, a good country music CD will have a ballad or two about an ex or somebody that is dead or dying. It will also have a drinking song or a party song. It will have a song about kids and a spouse. It may have a song about a favorite place. And it will finish off with a song about how wonderful country music is, how they love everybody, and thank God for putting it all together.
Which brings us to Taylor Swift's CD. I believe she was all of was 17 at the time the CD was released. She wrote or cowrote all of the songs on the CD. Since she is underage, it just wouldn't be right for her to have a drinking song on the CD. She's too young to have kids or a spouse....well, technically she's not, but the executives on Music Row would just have a conniption fit if she did. I've never met her, so I don't know if she's ever had anybody die on her.
In other words, she's just a little young to have any serious stuff happen. She just finished high school, so the worst thing that has probably happened to her is that she wasn't able to get her parking sticker so she can drive to school or that Vivian Hatfield beat her out for first chair flute in the marching band.
So she really has nothing to draw on for songwriting material......except boys.
The Taylor Swift album consists of three basic types of songs:
A) Taylor's mad.
B) Taylor's bad.
C) Taylor's glad.
Let's disect example A: Taylor's mad. It goes like this:
Taylor meets boy.
Taylor likes boy.
Boy likes Taylor.
Boy does something to p*ss Taylor off.
Taylor gets mad.
Taylor writes song calling boy a scumbag.
Taylor records it and sells a million copies.
Now...let's look at example B: Taylor's bad. It's a little similar to Taylor's mad.
Taylor meets boy.
Taylor likes boy.
Boy likes Taylor.
Boy does something to p*ss Taylor off.
Taylor gets mad.
Taylor plots revenge.
Taylor chickens out because record company will drop her contract and she'll wind up in charge of blow drying Bill Anderson's toupee before his Grand Ole Opry appearances.
Taylor writes song about revenge, instead.
Taylor records it and sells a million copies.
Lastly, let's examine example C: Taylor's glad.
Taylor meets boy.
Taylor likes boy.
Boy likes Taylor.
Boy and Taylor so happy.
Boy doesn't do anything to make Taylor sad or mad.
Taylor writes song about how boy is so wonderful.
Taylor records it and sells a million copies.
Two days later, boy p*sses Taylor off.
Taylor pulls out notes for Taylor Swift song type A and B.
Taylor goes through this cycle 4 times to get enough material for a new CD.
Taylor goes records album, goes on tour and makes several million dollars.
Taylor's new CD goes on sale November 11.
But, they've played her stuff so much on the radio that she's sort of grown on me.....so much so that I actually went out and bought her CD.
Usually, a CD will contain songs about different topics. A country music CD is a good example. For instance, a good country music CD will have a ballad or two about an ex or somebody that is dead or dying. It will also have a drinking song or a party song. It will have a song about kids and a spouse. It may have a song about a favorite place. And it will finish off with a song about how wonderful country music is, how they love everybody, and thank God for putting it all together.
Which brings us to Taylor Swift's CD. I believe she was all of was 17 at the time the CD was released. She wrote or cowrote all of the songs on the CD. Since she is underage, it just wouldn't be right for her to have a drinking song on the CD. She's too young to have kids or a spouse....well, technically she's not, but the executives on Music Row would just have a conniption fit if she did. I've never met her, so I don't know if she's ever had anybody die on her.
In other words, she's just a little young to have any serious stuff happen. She just finished high school, so the worst thing that has probably happened to her is that she wasn't able to get her parking sticker so she can drive to school or that Vivian Hatfield beat her out for first chair flute in the marching band.
So she really has nothing to draw on for songwriting material......except boys.
The Taylor Swift album consists of three basic types of songs:
A) Taylor's mad.
B) Taylor's bad.
C) Taylor's glad.
Let's disect example A: Taylor's mad. It goes like this:
Taylor meets boy.
Taylor likes boy.
Boy likes Taylor.
Boy does something to p*ss Taylor off.
Taylor gets mad.
Taylor writes song calling boy a scumbag.
Taylor records it and sells a million copies.
Now...let's look at example B: Taylor's bad. It's a little similar to Taylor's mad.
Taylor meets boy.
Taylor likes boy.
Boy likes Taylor.
Boy does something to p*ss Taylor off.
Taylor gets mad.
Taylor plots revenge.
Taylor chickens out because record company will drop her contract and she'll wind up in charge of blow drying Bill Anderson's toupee before his Grand Ole Opry appearances.
Taylor writes song about revenge, instead.
Taylor records it and sells a million copies.
Lastly, let's examine example C: Taylor's glad.
Taylor meets boy.
Taylor likes boy.
Boy likes Taylor.
Boy and Taylor so happy.
Boy doesn't do anything to make Taylor sad or mad.
Taylor writes song about how boy is so wonderful.
Taylor records it and sells a million copies.
Two days later, boy p*sses Taylor off.
Taylor pulls out notes for Taylor Swift song type A and B.
Taylor goes through this cycle 4 times to get enough material for a new CD.
Taylor goes records album, goes on tour and makes several million dollars.
Taylor's new CD goes on sale November 11.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
A Typical Thread on the Paulding Message Board
If you ever want to start a flame war on a message board, all you have to do is go to the paulding message board and ask the following question:
"Who is that crazy black lady that walks up and down 278?"
That particular question is like throwing a malotov cocktail into a building and running away.
The responses will start off simple enough.
Someone might direct you to one of many earlier threads where this topic has been previously discussed.
Someone else will post one of those animated smiley emoticons munching on popcorn.
Someone will then post a picture of a margarita, beer, and other assorted alcoholic beverages.
Another will post something to the effect of "I'm going to go ahead and prepare the Hell Hole." The Hell Hole is a restricted forum where this thread more than likely will wind up.
Miss Jessie is the crazy black lady in question. She can be found just about anywhere in Hiram. She usually walks along US278 and occasionally visits the stores and businesses along this road.
Depending on who you talk to, she is either crazy as a bedbug or a genuinely sweet lady who would never hurt a fly.
The crazy Miss Jessie is a woman who talks to herself, cusses out cars as they go by, throws things at passing cars, and swears like a sailor.
The genuinely sweet Miss Jessie is a woman who has a kind word for everyone, yells "Hey Baybeee!!!" if you just simply say "Hey Miss Jessie", and she's completely rational.
And this is where the fun begins on the Paulding message board. (The following screen names are completely made up.)
newposter: Who's that crazy black lady that walks up and down on 278?
drsulu: Oh Dear Lord, do we REALLY have to go through this AGAIN?
newposter: I just moved here. So who is she?
redneck: She's plum crazy. She went crazy cause her daughter got killed by a speeder on 278
years ago. That's why she carries that switch and yells at cars. She's trying to get them to slow down.
yorkvillegrl: That ain't true. She never had a daughter and she ain't crazy. She's easy to talk to and she's just as sweet as she can be. Ever time me and my daughters are at the Walmart and they see her, they yell "Hey Miss Jessie!" and she says "Hey darlins! Come here and give me a hug."
wyattrash: Oh yeah? The h*ll you say! My little girl saw her at Kohl's the other day and said "Hey Miss Jessie" and she said "Go to h*ll cracker b*tch!" Made me so mad! My girl had never heard the word "cracker" used that way before and I had to explain to her what it meant. I was hoping I wouldn't have to have that conversation with her until she was older.
yorkvillegrl: Did you ever stop to think she might be having a bad day?
wyattrash: Sure I've had bad days...but I wouldn't call a three year old girl a cracker b*tch just because she was saying hey.
rebeluvr: Are y'all sure that story about her daughter gettin' kilt ain't true? Val Jean, my hairdresser, said that her ex DIL's first cousin's best friend saw the whole thing happen. It was about 3 or 4 years ago. Said it was just the saddest thing she'd ever seen.
hiramho: Val Jean? Val Jean Waylock? Where's she working at these days? My bleach job needs a touch up somethin awful. I lost track of her after she left Kat's Krazy Kutz. I've been going to United Hairlines, but Tammy can't cut hair worth crap.
drsulu: I just cannot believe this!! Do we have to have this same debate about Miss Jessie every other month? It just gets so old.
redneck: look sulu. newposter is new to the board and new to the neighborhood. It's our obligation as citizens of Paulding to tell them the truth about Miss Jessie. She's crazy! Stay away from her! She's just scary!
meadow: Hiramho! I just sent u a PM about Val Jean!
dragstrip: Let me just tell you about my encounter with Miss Jessie. I was up at the Target the other day mindin my own business unloadin my groceries. I knew she was there but I didn't say anything to her, cuz she's crazy you know. She walked right by me, turned around and said "Whatchu lookin at, b*tch?" I started to tell her I was looking at some crazy old bat, but she had that switch and I made the mistake of leaving my pistol in my other purse.
hiramho: thanks meadow. I'll give Val Jean a call later on. You said she should be out of jail this afternoon?
yorkvillegrl: Look, for the last time, she ain't crazy! Everytime I see her she's always sweet and gives me a big ole' hug. Y'all should be nice to her instead of being mean to her all the time and you'd find out just how sweet she is.
pauldingpatriot: What's this about Val Jean being in jail? What happened?
wyattrash: pauldingpatriot, hiramho, and meadow....this thread is about that crazy Miss Jessie. If y'all want to talk about Val Jean gettin drunk last Saturday and getting into that cat fight with Bubba Turner's sister, create your own thread.
hiramho: wyattrash, who died and maid you owner of this thread? Dang, u act like u own this board.
wyattrash: who died and MAID you owner of this thread?" I guess you must have graduated from Hiram High since you sure can't spell.
hiramho: No, as a matter of fact I graduated from SP in 1992. I was valedictorian. I didn't realize we were getting graded on spelling on this board.
dallasangel: let me tell u about my Miss Jessie experience. I was at the Waffle House and she walked in. That new waitress Dana felt sorry for her so she bought her a cup of coffee. Miss Jessie cried and said "That's so sweet of you, baybeee. I love you." It was so sweet, it made me cry. So I bought her a waffle. She looked at me and said "What the h*ll is this, b*tch? Leave me the h*ll alone."
redneck: See? I told y'all she was crazy!!!!
wyattrash: hiramho! I graduated from SP in 1992. If you were valedictorian, then you must be Tammy L!!! I gave the benediction....I'm Kristi J!!
meadow: hiramho I wisht you hadn't posted about Val Jean being in jail and all. She told me not to tell anybody.
moderator: I'm going to set the posts about Val Jean to invisible since she's not here to defend herself. Also, everyone please refrain from calling Miss Jessie a crazy b*tch.
dragstrip: moderator, is it ok if I call her a crazy a$$ b*tch?
yorkvillgrl: dragstrip, she ain't no crazier then u r! She's a sweet person...she's just misunderstood.
moderator: dragstrip, please refrain from calling Miss Jessie a crazy a$$ b*tch.
dallasangel: ok....what about calling her a crazy old b*tch. Is that ok?
hiramho: or a mean ole b*tch. Can we just call her a mean ole b*tch?
wyattrash: yorkvillegrl, I finally figured out why u think Miss Jessie ain't crazy. U R just as crazy as she is so u just don't know what crazy is.
moderator: everyone, please refrain from referring to Miss Jessie as any kind of b*tch...it's not nice.
meadow: ok....so it's ok to call her just plain b*tch then, right?
moderator: JEEZ - LOUISE!!! NO!!!
rebeluvr: Who's Jeez-Louise? I don't believe I've seen her post here before. Welcome Jeez-Louise to the board....tell us about yourself Jeez-Louise!!!
moderator: ok...I've had it! I'm sending this thread to the Hell Hole and closing it.
"Who is that crazy black lady that walks up and down 278?"
That particular question is like throwing a malotov cocktail into a building and running away.
The responses will start off simple enough.
Someone might direct you to one of many earlier threads where this topic has been previously discussed.
Someone else will post one of those animated smiley emoticons munching on popcorn.
Someone will then post a picture of a margarita, beer, and other assorted alcoholic beverages.
Another will post something to the effect of "I'm going to go ahead and prepare the Hell Hole." The Hell Hole is a restricted forum where this thread more than likely will wind up.
Miss Jessie is the crazy black lady in question. She can be found just about anywhere in Hiram. She usually walks along US278 and occasionally visits the stores and businesses along this road.
Depending on who you talk to, she is either crazy as a bedbug or a genuinely sweet lady who would never hurt a fly.
The crazy Miss Jessie is a woman who talks to herself, cusses out cars as they go by, throws things at passing cars, and swears like a sailor.
The genuinely sweet Miss Jessie is a woman who has a kind word for everyone, yells "Hey Baybeee!!!" if you just simply say "Hey Miss Jessie", and she's completely rational.
And this is where the fun begins on the Paulding message board. (The following screen names are completely made up.)
newposter: Who's that crazy black lady that walks up and down on 278?
drsulu: Oh Dear Lord, do we REALLY have to go through this AGAIN?
newposter: I just moved here. So who is she?
redneck: She's plum crazy. She went crazy cause her daughter got killed by a speeder on 278
years ago. That's why she carries that switch and yells at cars. She's trying to get them to slow down.
yorkvillegrl: That ain't true. She never had a daughter and she ain't crazy. She's easy to talk to and she's just as sweet as she can be. Ever time me and my daughters are at the Walmart and they see her, they yell "Hey Miss Jessie!" and she says "Hey darlins! Come here and give me a hug."
wyattrash: Oh yeah? The h*ll you say! My little girl saw her at Kohl's the other day and said "Hey Miss Jessie" and she said "Go to h*ll cracker b*tch!" Made me so mad! My girl had never heard the word "cracker" used that way before and I had to explain to her what it meant. I was hoping I wouldn't have to have that conversation with her until she was older.
yorkvillegrl: Did you ever stop to think she might be having a bad day?
wyattrash: Sure I've had bad days...but I wouldn't call a three year old girl a cracker b*tch just because she was saying hey.
rebeluvr: Are y'all sure that story about her daughter gettin' kilt ain't true? Val Jean, my hairdresser, said that her ex DIL's first cousin's best friend saw the whole thing happen. It was about 3 or 4 years ago. Said it was just the saddest thing she'd ever seen.
hiramho: Val Jean? Val Jean Waylock? Where's she working at these days? My bleach job needs a touch up somethin awful. I lost track of her after she left Kat's Krazy Kutz. I've been going to United Hairlines, but Tammy can't cut hair worth crap.
drsulu: I just cannot believe this!! Do we have to have this same debate about Miss Jessie every other month? It just gets so old.
redneck: look sulu. newposter is new to the board and new to the neighborhood. It's our obligation as citizens of Paulding to tell them the truth about Miss Jessie. She's crazy! Stay away from her! She's just scary!
meadow: Hiramho! I just sent u a PM about Val Jean!
dragstrip: Let me just tell you about my encounter with Miss Jessie. I was up at the Target the other day mindin my own business unloadin my groceries. I knew she was there but I didn't say anything to her, cuz she's crazy you know. She walked right by me, turned around and said "Whatchu lookin at, b*tch?" I started to tell her I was looking at some crazy old bat, but she had that switch and I made the mistake of leaving my pistol in my other purse.
hiramho: thanks meadow. I'll give Val Jean a call later on. You said she should be out of jail this afternoon?
yorkvillegrl: Look, for the last time, she ain't crazy! Everytime I see her she's always sweet and gives me a big ole' hug. Y'all should be nice to her instead of being mean to her all the time and you'd find out just how sweet she is.
pauldingpatriot: What's this about Val Jean being in jail? What happened?
wyattrash: pauldingpatriot, hiramho, and meadow....this thread is about that crazy Miss Jessie. If y'all want to talk about Val Jean gettin drunk last Saturday and getting into that cat fight with Bubba Turner's sister, create your own thread.
hiramho: wyattrash, who died and maid you owner of this thread? Dang, u act like u own this board.
wyattrash: who died and MAID you owner of this thread?" I guess you must have graduated from Hiram High since you sure can't spell.
hiramho: No, as a matter of fact I graduated from SP in 1992. I was valedictorian. I didn't realize we were getting graded on spelling on this board.
dallasangel: let me tell u about my Miss Jessie experience. I was at the Waffle House and she walked in. That new waitress Dana felt sorry for her so she bought her a cup of coffee. Miss Jessie cried and said "That's so sweet of you, baybeee. I love you." It was so sweet, it made me cry. So I bought her a waffle. She looked at me and said "What the h*ll is this, b*tch? Leave me the h*ll alone."
redneck: See? I told y'all she was crazy!!!!
wyattrash: hiramho! I graduated from SP in 1992. If you were valedictorian, then you must be Tammy L!!! I gave the benediction....I'm Kristi J!!
meadow: hiramho I wisht you hadn't posted about Val Jean being in jail and all. She told me not to tell anybody.
moderator: I'm going to set the posts about Val Jean to invisible since she's not here to defend herself. Also, everyone please refrain from calling Miss Jessie a crazy b*tch.
dragstrip: moderator, is it ok if I call her a crazy a$$ b*tch?
yorkvillgrl: dragstrip, she ain't no crazier then u r! She's a sweet person...she's just misunderstood.
moderator: dragstrip, please refrain from calling Miss Jessie a crazy a$$ b*tch.
dallasangel: ok....what about calling her a crazy old b*tch. Is that ok?
hiramho: or a mean ole b*tch. Can we just call her a mean ole b*tch?
wyattrash: yorkvillegrl, I finally figured out why u think Miss Jessie ain't crazy. U R just as crazy as she is so u just don't know what crazy is.
moderator: everyone, please refrain from referring to Miss Jessie as any kind of b*tch...it's not nice.
meadow: ok....so it's ok to call her just plain b*tch then, right?
moderator: JEEZ - LOUISE!!! NO!!!
rebeluvr: Who's Jeez-Louise? I don't believe I've seen her post here before. Welcome Jeez-Louise to the board....tell us about yourself Jeez-Louise!!!
moderator: ok...I've had it! I'm sending this thread to the Hell Hole and closing it.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Total Transformation
I just saw a commercial for this product on television. According to the ad, the program describes how to stop arguments with your kids instantly, how to diffuse tantrums, etc. It also gives you 10 ways to turn your child's attitude around in one minute or less.
My dad had a product that did all of the above and more. It think he got it from the Sears & Roebuck catalog and I am sure that it can be found in most stores today.
This is a version of the product that my dad found very helpful: The Attitude Adjuster.
My mom, on the other hand, preferred another product: Mom's Lil' Helper.
Some mothers preferred products that served multiple purposes. For instance, I had a friend's mom who found this item to be quite helpful.
My aunt, on the other hand, preferred this wonderful product.
The sad thing is that the guy on the commercial is making a killing on his product, when all of the products above are actually much cheaper, readily available, and they make a lasting impression.
My dad had a product that did all of the above and more. It think he got it from the Sears & Roebuck catalog and I am sure that it can be found in most stores today.
This is a version of the product that my dad found very helpful: The Attitude Adjuster.
My mom, on the other hand, preferred another product: Mom's Lil' Helper.
Some mothers preferred products that served multiple purposes. For instance, I had a friend's mom who found this item to be quite helpful.
My aunt, on the other hand, preferred this wonderful product.
The sad thing is that the guy on the commercial is making a killing on his product, when all of the products above are actually much cheaper, readily available, and they make a lasting impression.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Trup and the Nerve Gas Train
When I was a kid, one of the highlights of our summer vacation was spending a couple of weeks at my grandparents' house.
They lived in Elberton. My cousins lived there, everyone knew everyone, and everyone there still remembered my dad even though he had long since moved away. Seems like everytime Carolyn would introduce Ronnie and me as her nephew and niece from Atlanta, the response was usually "These must by Kenneth's young-uns!" (No one there had children, kids, babies, etc....they all had young-uns.)
All of us cousins were just about the same age. Mr brother Ronnie is 16 months older than me, my cousin Freddie is 6 months older than Ronnie, Martha Helen is about 8 months older than me, and Ann is one year younger than me.)
Carolyn and Benny (my aunt and uncle) lived just down the road from my grandparents. Since six kids under one roof was a little too much for anyone, what usually happened was us girls would spend one day and night at my grandparents while Ronnie and Freddie stayed with Carolyn and Benny. Then we'd swap.
It was one thing to spend the day at my grandparents, but spending the night was another story entirely. For one thing, my grandparents went to bed early in the evening and they got up early in the morning. If you were staying with them, you were expected to do the same. Carolyn on the other hand, would let us stay up as late as we wanted and sleep as late as we wanted.
The other thing was the television. Again, Carolyn let us watch whatever we wanted. At my grandparents' house, if Lawrence Welk or Marlin Perkin's Mutual of Omaha Wild Kingdom was on, you might as well go outside and watch the grass grow because that tv channel was not getting changed.
My cousins had these two old maid aunts that lived in a huge, old house in the city. Occasionally, they would tell Carolyn to bring some of us by to spend the night with them. This was ok with us for several reasons. They would also let us stay up late and sleep late, their house was neat because it was so old and still had many of the original features, and they lived within walking distance of the town square.
Their names were Helen and Flora. We all called them Aunt Helen and Aunt Flora even though technically Ronnie and I weren't related to them at all. However, Helen had a nickname that she did not know about.
My cousin Ann had this penchant for pinning a nickname on people and the names she chose were both funny and spot on. She began calling Aunt Helen "Trup" (behind her back, of course.) The reason was because Aunt Helen could belch REALLY loud and she did not try to hide it.
When she did, it usually came out as "TTTRRRRRUUUUUUPPPPPP!!!!" Because it was so loud, so unladylike, and she was so unapologetic when she did it, all of us kids saw it as entertainment and would beg her to do it again and again and again. Today's kids with their high falutin' video games and computers have no idea what how much fun it is to have an aunt who can belch out some big ones on request.
Anyway, when I was about 10 years old, we were spending the summer at my grandparents and this particular time we were spending the night with Aunt Helen and Aunt Flora. I don't remember too much about that summer except that the big thing in the news at that time was that a nerve gas train coming through Elberton.
It seemed like anytime you turned on the news, everyone was talking about the nerve gas train. This particular train was carrying a shipment of nerve gas that was eventually going to be dumped in the ocean. Of course, absolutely no one wanted this thing coming through their town, but it had to go somewhere to get where it was going. So after much fuss and politics, a route was settled on and the train set off for the ocean. Part of its route was through Elberton.....and Trup and Aunt Flora lived within walking distance of the railroad tracks.
That evening we were sitting in the living room waiting for the news to end so we could watch "Gunsmoke". The big story, of course, was where the nerve gas train was and when it was expected to roll through Elberton. I distinctly remember that the reporter said that it would arrive in Elberton shortly after midnight and Trup saying that we would all be asleep by then.
Then Ann asked the question that we had all been wondering about. What exactly was the big deal about this nerve gas train? Being 9 and 10, we had absolutely no idea what nerve gas was, what the deal was with this train, and why everyone was so upset about it.
Trup leaned back in her recliner and said "Well.....it's like TTTTRRRRUUUUUPPPP this. TTTTRRRRUUUUPPPPP......nerve gas is poison and you can't see it. TTTRRRRUUUUUPPPPP and if just one drop of it leaks out of that train, it will TTTRRRRUUUUUPPPP kill every single person in TTTTRRRRUUUUUPPPPPPP Elberton TTRRRUUUUPPPPP."
At this point, there was nothing we could do. It was 7:45 and we knew our grandparents were getting ready for bed. Ronnie and Freddie were over at Carolyn and Benny's and there was no place for us to sleep over there, anyway. My parents were back in Mableton which was over two hours away. We were pretty much stuck.
So, after Gunsmoke was over, the three of us went upstairs. Suddenly, playing our usual game of calling the drug store on the square and asking if they had Prince Albert in a can didn't seem like fun anymore. We had bigger things to worry about, midnight was approaching, and so was the nerve gas train. This could very well be our last night alive.
Suddenly, Martha Helen had an idea. We should just hold our breath until the nerve gas train went by...that way, if we were going to die, at least it wouldn't be immediately. (I just said she had an idea....I didn't say that it was a good one.)
The problem was that we were getting sleepy and we needed to stay awake for the nerve gas train. Since Ann wasn't sleepy, we decided she would keep lookout. (We got that idea from something we had seen on Gunsmoke earlier.) If she got sleepy, she would wake me up and I would take over. Then when I got sleepy, I'd wake up Martha Helen and we'd just keep doing that until the nerve gas train went through. So Martha Helen and I went on to sleep.
I woke up around 2:30 in the morning. I knew it was 2:30 because the bank was right down the street and I could see the time and temperature sign from the upstairs bedroom window. The nerve gas train must have already come through Elberton and Ann didn't wake me up. I didn't know if she had fallen asleep or had fallen victim to the nerve gas.
So, I did what I had to do. I said "Ann....are you dead?"
I heard her stir around. She said "No....what time is it, anyway?"
"It's 2:30....I guess the nerve gas train has already come by and we missed it. I wonder if everyone else is ok."
Ann said, "I don't know...let's find out. Hey, Martha Helen. Are you dead?"
Martha Helen said, "No....are y'all?" (Y'all leave her alone...she can't help it.)
The three of us were present and accounted for, but we had no idea as to if the rest of Elberton survived the nerve gas train. Then something happened that made us realize that more than likely, everything was probably ok.
From the next room, we heard a blessed sound of reassurance.
"TTRRRRUUUUUUUPPPPP!!!"
** For more information about The Nerve Gas Train, click here.
They lived in Elberton. My cousins lived there, everyone knew everyone, and everyone there still remembered my dad even though he had long since moved away. Seems like everytime Carolyn would introduce Ronnie and me as her nephew and niece from Atlanta, the response was usually "These must by Kenneth's young-uns!" (No one there had children, kids, babies, etc....they all had young-uns.)
All of us cousins were just about the same age. Mr brother Ronnie is 16 months older than me, my cousin Freddie is 6 months older than Ronnie, Martha Helen is about 8 months older than me, and Ann is one year younger than me.)
Carolyn and Benny (my aunt and uncle) lived just down the road from my grandparents. Since six kids under one roof was a little too much for anyone, what usually happened was us girls would spend one day and night at my grandparents while Ronnie and Freddie stayed with Carolyn and Benny. Then we'd swap.
It was one thing to spend the day at my grandparents, but spending the night was another story entirely. For one thing, my grandparents went to bed early in the evening and they got up early in the morning. If you were staying with them, you were expected to do the same. Carolyn on the other hand, would let us stay up as late as we wanted and sleep as late as we wanted.
The other thing was the television. Again, Carolyn let us watch whatever we wanted. At my grandparents' house, if Lawrence Welk or Marlin Perkin's Mutual of Omaha Wild Kingdom was on, you might as well go outside and watch the grass grow because that tv channel was not getting changed.
My cousins had these two old maid aunts that lived in a huge, old house in the city. Occasionally, they would tell Carolyn to bring some of us by to spend the night with them. This was ok with us for several reasons. They would also let us stay up late and sleep late, their house was neat because it was so old and still had many of the original features, and they lived within walking distance of the town square.
Their names were Helen and Flora. We all called them Aunt Helen and Aunt Flora even though technically Ronnie and I weren't related to them at all. However, Helen had a nickname that she did not know about.
My cousin Ann had this penchant for pinning a nickname on people and the names she chose were both funny and spot on. She began calling Aunt Helen "Trup" (behind her back, of course.) The reason was because Aunt Helen could belch REALLY loud and she did not try to hide it.
When she did, it usually came out as "TTTRRRRRUUUUUUPPPPPP!!!!" Because it was so loud, so unladylike, and she was so unapologetic when she did it, all of us kids saw it as entertainment and would beg her to do it again and again and again. Today's kids with their high falutin' video games and computers have no idea what how much fun it is to have an aunt who can belch out some big ones on request.
Anyway, when I was about 10 years old, we were spending the summer at my grandparents and this particular time we were spending the night with Aunt Helen and Aunt Flora. I don't remember too much about that summer except that the big thing in the news at that time was that a nerve gas train coming through Elberton.
It seemed like anytime you turned on the news, everyone was talking about the nerve gas train. This particular train was carrying a shipment of nerve gas that was eventually going to be dumped in the ocean. Of course, absolutely no one wanted this thing coming through their town, but it had to go somewhere to get where it was going. So after much fuss and politics, a route was settled on and the train set off for the ocean. Part of its route was through Elberton.....and Trup and Aunt Flora lived within walking distance of the railroad tracks.
That evening we were sitting in the living room waiting for the news to end so we could watch "Gunsmoke". The big story, of course, was where the nerve gas train was and when it was expected to roll through Elberton. I distinctly remember that the reporter said that it would arrive in Elberton shortly after midnight and Trup saying that we would all be asleep by then.
Then Ann asked the question that we had all been wondering about. What exactly was the big deal about this nerve gas train? Being 9 and 10, we had absolutely no idea what nerve gas was, what the deal was with this train, and why everyone was so upset about it.
Trup leaned back in her recliner and said "Well.....it's like TTTTRRRRUUUUUPPPP this. TTTTRRRRUUUUPPPPP......nerve gas is poison and you can't see it. TTTRRRRUUUUUPPPPP and if just one drop of it leaks out of that train, it will TTTRRRRUUUUUPPPP kill every single person in TTTTRRRRUUUUUPPPPPPP Elberton TTRRRUUUUPPPPP."
At this point, there was nothing we could do. It was 7:45 and we knew our grandparents were getting ready for bed. Ronnie and Freddie were over at Carolyn and Benny's and there was no place for us to sleep over there, anyway. My parents were back in Mableton which was over two hours away. We were pretty much stuck.
So, after Gunsmoke was over, the three of us went upstairs. Suddenly, playing our usual game of calling the drug store on the square and asking if they had Prince Albert in a can didn't seem like fun anymore. We had bigger things to worry about, midnight was approaching, and so was the nerve gas train. This could very well be our last night alive.
Suddenly, Martha Helen had an idea. We should just hold our breath until the nerve gas train went by...that way, if we were going to die, at least it wouldn't be immediately. (I just said she had an idea....I didn't say that it was a good one.)
The problem was that we were getting sleepy and we needed to stay awake for the nerve gas train. Since Ann wasn't sleepy, we decided she would keep lookout. (We got that idea from something we had seen on Gunsmoke earlier.) If she got sleepy, she would wake me up and I would take over. Then when I got sleepy, I'd wake up Martha Helen and we'd just keep doing that until the nerve gas train went through. So Martha Helen and I went on to sleep.
I woke up around 2:30 in the morning. I knew it was 2:30 because the bank was right down the street and I could see the time and temperature sign from the upstairs bedroom window. The nerve gas train must have already come through Elberton and Ann didn't wake me up. I didn't know if she had fallen asleep or had fallen victim to the nerve gas.
So, I did what I had to do. I said "Ann....are you dead?"
I heard her stir around. She said "No....what time is it, anyway?"
"It's 2:30....I guess the nerve gas train has already come by and we missed it. I wonder if everyone else is ok."
Ann said, "I don't know...let's find out. Hey, Martha Helen. Are you dead?"
Martha Helen said, "No....are y'all?" (Y'all leave her alone...she can't help it.)
The three of us were present and accounted for, but we had no idea as to if the rest of Elberton survived the nerve gas train. Then something happened that made us realize that more than likely, everything was probably ok.
From the next room, we heard a blessed sound of reassurance.
"TTRRRRUUUUUUUPPPPP!!!"
** For more information about The Nerve Gas Train, click here.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Former Classmates
A while back I got a notice in the mail. The SCHS Class of 1978 is planning their 30 year reunion.
I have no idea if I am going to go or not. And, no it's not because it's too far away, or because they are not having barbecue and stew, or it's covered dish, etc. I just don't know if I want to spend a Saturday evening (and $85) to see a bunch of people that I have not seen since graduation.
But it did get me to thinking about some people and wondering what ever happened to them.
For example, in my first grade class, there was a boy named Warren. Warren's claim to fame came on the days that they served hamburgers or hotdogs in the lunchroom. Back then, on hamburger or hotdog day, the lunchroom ladies stuck little plastic red and yellow bottles on each table that contained ketchup and mustard.
Warren apparently loved ketchup. He loved it so much that he would pick up the bottle and suck it. Then came the cries of: "Mrs. Bynum.....Warren's sucking the ketchup bottle!" and "Eeewwww....Warren!!"
Mrs. Bynum would just take note. Then when we got back to the classroom, she would pull out her trusty Cobb County Board of Education-issued Bolo paddle and wear Warren's butt out in front of the classroom. He would start crying and run back to his desk and sulk the rest of the afternoon.
I've thought of Warren often over the years. He'd be 48 now. I wonder if he still sucks the ketchup bottle? (I just reread that sentence. Somehow, that just sounds so very wrong....but I'll just leave it alone.)
Mike was a guy that was in my 4th, 5th, and 6th grade. His claim to fame? He had an absolutely awful temper. He pitched tantrums in the class. We're talking throwing things across the room, slamming doors and kicking over desk-type tantrums.
The way my 4th grade teacher handled it was to make him leave the room. The principal patrolled the hallways and if he saw anyone in the hallways without a hallpass he would escort them back to his office for a little good time butt paddling with his Cobb County Board of Education-issued Bolo paddle.
But while we were waiting for Mr. Jones to pick up the perp, Mike would begin banging his head against the wall. He would start out with one bump. Then another, and another until the whole room began shaking from the vibration. The teacher would walk outside and tell Mike to knock it off.
He'd wait until she walked back in the room and it would start all over again. Mr. Jones, the principal would finally fetch him to give him the aforementioned buttwhipping. By the time he got to high school, he had tamed down considerably. I have no idea what happened to him. Maybe all that banging his head against the wall finally knocked some sense into him.
Then there was this girl that lived down the street. Her name was Pam and she was the same age as I was, but a grade behind me because she had failed a grade. I think after that she had just been promoted just for the sake of promoting. I knew her well enough to know that her spelling was awful and Jethro Bodine could beat her at cyphering with one hand tied behind his back. It's a shame because looking back she probably had a learning disability, but at that time there were no special education classes for kids.
Anyway, she met a boy in eighth grade. He was her academic equal. After they finished eighth grade, both of them quit school and got married. They were 15 at the time. I have no idea if they are still together or not.
So I still don't know if I want to go to the reunion or not. But the one thing I do know is that since Warren was not at my high school, I don't have to worry that he'll be there sucking the ketchup bottle. (I'm just going to leave that alone.)
I have no idea if I am going to go or not. And, no it's not because it's too far away, or because they are not having barbecue and stew, or it's covered dish, etc. I just don't know if I want to spend a Saturday evening (and $85) to see a bunch of people that I have not seen since graduation.
But it did get me to thinking about some people and wondering what ever happened to them.
For example, in my first grade class, there was a boy named Warren. Warren's claim to fame came on the days that they served hamburgers or hotdogs in the lunchroom. Back then, on hamburger or hotdog day, the lunchroom ladies stuck little plastic red and yellow bottles on each table that contained ketchup and mustard.
Warren apparently loved ketchup. He loved it so much that he would pick up the bottle and suck it. Then came the cries of: "Mrs. Bynum.....Warren's sucking the ketchup bottle!" and "Eeewwww....Warren!!"
Mrs. Bynum would just take note. Then when we got back to the classroom, she would pull out her trusty Cobb County Board of Education-issued Bolo paddle and wear Warren's butt out in front of the classroom. He would start crying and run back to his desk and sulk the rest of the afternoon.
I've thought of Warren often over the years. He'd be 48 now. I wonder if he still sucks the ketchup bottle? (I just reread that sentence. Somehow, that just sounds so very wrong....but I'll just leave it alone.)
Mike was a guy that was in my 4th, 5th, and 6th grade. His claim to fame? He had an absolutely awful temper. He pitched tantrums in the class. We're talking throwing things across the room, slamming doors and kicking over desk-type tantrums.
The way my 4th grade teacher handled it was to make him leave the room. The principal patrolled the hallways and if he saw anyone in the hallways without a hallpass he would escort them back to his office for a little good time butt paddling with his Cobb County Board of Education-issued Bolo paddle.
But while we were waiting for Mr. Jones to pick up the perp, Mike would begin banging his head against the wall. He would start out with one bump. Then another, and another until the whole room began shaking from the vibration. The teacher would walk outside and tell Mike to knock it off.
He'd wait until she walked back in the room and it would start all over again. Mr. Jones, the principal would finally fetch him to give him the aforementioned buttwhipping. By the time he got to high school, he had tamed down considerably. I have no idea what happened to him. Maybe all that banging his head against the wall finally knocked some sense into him.
Then there was this girl that lived down the street. Her name was Pam and she was the same age as I was, but a grade behind me because she had failed a grade. I think after that she had just been promoted just for the sake of promoting. I knew her well enough to know that her spelling was awful and Jethro Bodine could beat her at cyphering with one hand tied behind his back. It's a shame because looking back she probably had a learning disability, but at that time there were no special education classes for kids.
Anyway, she met a boy in eighth grade. He was her academic equal. After they finished eighth grade, both of them quit school and got married. They were 15 at the time. I have no idea if they are still together or not.
So I still don't know if I want to go to the reunion or not. But the one thing I do know is that since Warren was not at my high school, I don't have to worry that he'll be there sucking the ketchup bottle. (I'm just going to leave that alone.)
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Obviously A Democrat Thought of This!
Click here.
So, here's your permission to be a Democrat for a week. Stay at home, sit on your a$$, and watch tv (preferably ABC) . Go crazy and get an Obama yard sign and bumper sticker.
Get it all out of your system before November 4.
On November 4, when you go to the polling booth, exercise your right to scare Matt Damon.
So, here's your permission to be a Democrat for a week. Stay at home, sit on your a$$, and watch tv (preferably ABC) . Go crazy and get an Obama yard sign and bumper sticker.
Get it all out of your system before November 4.
On November 4, when you go to the polling booth, exercise your right to scare Matt Damon.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Family News.......
News from the world of Benjamin:
Fox News Alert!! He's moved back in with Meemaw. (Yeah, I know. Color ME surprised.) Don't know the reasons, but the smart money says that he probably couldn't come up with rent money. As far as I know, he is still waiting on that phone call from the sheriff's department about his job.
Family Reunions:
Why are people so difficult? My mom's side of the family is so easy because it is the same plan every year.
Time: The last last Saturday in October, from 11am - 3ish
Place: Crossroads Baptist Church
Gameplan: Bring a covered dish and tea. Dinnerware and food heating facilities are in the church kitchen. Paper plates provided by the church. A collection will be taken up during the reunion for a love offering to the church and to replenish paper plate supply.
In other words, everyone know the drill. If you want to go, just show up. If you don't, then sorry you can't make it, maybe next year. No big deal.
My dad's side is a completely different story. It usually starts something like this:
One cousin will call another cousin and say "Are we going to have a reunion this year? Has anybody said anything about it?"
"Nope, I haven't heard anything, but Mary Jean usually keeps up with that stuff. Let me call her and see if she's heard anything."
"Hey Mary Jean. Listen, Eunice was asking if we're going to have a family reunion this year. Have you heard anything?"
"No, but remember last year, RuthAnn said something about just making it every OTHER year instead of every year, because it's a lot of work to put one of these together."
"Well, that's all well and good, but the thing about it is some of these cousins may not even BE here year after next, so we probably all should get try to get together."
"Yeah I know; I'll check around and let you know what I find out."
So this phone call goes around to various branches of the family, until someone eventually takes the bait and decides to go ahead and plan one. They'll pick a date and pick a place. Then the phone calls start back up again.
(For the record, all of these names have been changed to protect the guilty.)
Jim: "Ok, Eunice...I just heard from Roy. He said let's plan on the the third Saturday in October at The Dillard House."
Eunice: "Dillard! Dillard, GEORGIA???!!!? Shoot, that's two durn hours away. Plus, it'll probably wind up being something like $15 dollars a person. The only reason Roy wants to have it in Dillard is because he LIVES there. He don't think about everyone else. Well, he never did so why should I be surprised? Oh h*ll....let me think about it and get back to you. I'll call Aunt Lois's crowd, Uncle Frank's crowd and Aunt Mamie's crowd. You go ahead and let the rest know."
Mike: "Hey June. Listen I just got a phone call from Eunice. She said that Roy wants to have the reunion at The Dillard House the third Saturday in October."
June: "Dillard! What in the h*ll is he thinking?? I'm not driving all the way from Perry to Dillard to spend what?....all of two hours there and then have to drive all the way back to Perry. Does he not know how much gas costs these days? Plus, I know that place costs a fortune and it ain't all that great....at least it wasn't when I ate there 20 years ago."
So, this conversation goes all through the family with everyone (with the exception of Roy) b*tching about having a reunion in Dillard at The Dillard House. Roy gets mad because he doesn't understand why everyone is b*tching.
Then, someone else will pick up the ball.
Jane: "Hey Eunice. I just heard from Nelle. They want to have the reunion over at Ryan's in Hartwell on the second Saturday in October."
Eunice: "Well, Jane I just don't know how that's going to work for us. I think UGA is playing at home that weekend and Hank has tickets. I know I could just go on without Hank, but I just hate the thought of driving in all that Hartwell traffic. But, I'll let everyone in my crowd know and get the word out."
Eunice: "Kate? Hey, it's Eunice. Jane said that Nelle is wanting to have the reunion over at Ryan's in Hartwell on the second Saturday in October."
Kate: "Oh, sure have it at Ryan's! You know this really p*sses me off! Nelle knows good and well that my son and daughter in law have a restaurant in Comer that they have already said they would close up on Saturday so that we could have the reunion there. It would wind up being about $5 a head and they'd cook anything we wanted. I tell you what. Can you do me a favor? Call Nelle for me and tell her she can just kiss my a$$. Uh yeah....that means I won't be there."
So word gets around that Ryan's in Hartwell is out. So is the restaurant in Comer because Joe said he'd been over there and it was so filthy even the roaches refused to eat there. Joe then decided to do everyone a favor and relay that tidbit to everyone in the family (except Kate) so it would be sure to get shot down before it even happened.
Someone else picks up the ball.
Purnell: "Hey George. I got a phone call from Hiram. They've decided to have the reunion at the First Baptist Church in Lavonia on the third Saturday in October. It's going to be covered dish."
George: "Oh, crap. I hate covered dish. Why don't they have barbecue and stew? Everybody likes barbecue and stew. And it ain't that much trouble. There's a great barbecue place out on Elberton Hwy. Someone could go there that morning and pick up about 3 gallons of stew and probably about 25 lbs of barbecue would do the trick. It probably wouldn't be more than $8 a head."
Purnell: "Well, for one thing, Hank's already said anything more than $5 a head, then count him out. You know how stingy he is. I like barbecue, too, but Eunice said she's sick of having barbecue every year."
George: "Who's in charge of this thing anyway? I'm going to call Hiram and tell him he needs to change it to barbecue and stew instead of covered dish. Who the h*ll cares what Eunice thinks, anyway? Just because she doesn't want barbecue and stew doesn't mean everyone else has to go along with it. I'll help you get the word out, but go ahead and tell them that Hiram is going to pick up barbecue and stew."
RuthAnn: "Hello? Bobo? Yeah, it's RuthAnn. Hank just called and said....oh, you heard already. Yeah, I'm glad it's going to barbecue instead of covered dish. Well, the main reason I don't want to have covered dish is if Kate and her crowd is going to be there. Have you been over to Kate's house? That woman has about 22 cats living inside her house. You walk in smelling like spring flowers and you walk out smelling like cat p*ss. JD said that Kate had given him a quart of homemade pickles; he said they tasted funny and he got sick afterwards. I told him it was probably because they were pickled in cat p*ss instead of cider vinegar."
So, here's where it stands right now:
Kate and her crowd are p*ssed off and boycotting the reunion because word got back to her what Joe and RuthAnn had said.
Eunice is boycotting because it's going to be barbecue and stew.
Roy ain't coming because he'd have to drive from Dillard to Lavonia and it's too d*mn far. June won't be there for the same reason.
Nelle won't be there because Joe told her that Kate was coming so Nelle would be sure to stay home.
George decided not to come because Hiram is getting the the barbecue and stew from Chuck's Pork Palace instead of from Jake's Pig in a Poke. He's said heard things about Chuck's and none of them were good.
RuthAnn won't be there because she noticed that the cook over at Chuck's was some sort of foreigner and she heard he eats goat. She thinks that the stew probably has goat meat in it.
JD said he didn't know if he'd be there or not because just the thought of food makes him sick ever since he ate Kate's pickles.
Purnell said he wasn't coming because it sounded like no one much was going to be there.
In the meantime, Jane just called my dad. She's p*ssed.
"I swear Ken! First it was going to be on the third Saturday in October, then it got changed to the second Saturday in October and now it's switched back to the third Saturday. It was going to be in Dillard, then it got changed to Hartwell and then it got changed to Lavonia. It was going to be catered, then it was going to be covered dish and now it's going to be barbecue. People need to know so that they can be making plans. What the h*ll is so difficult about planning a reunion, anyway?"
Fox News Alert!! He's moved back in with Meemaw. (Yeah, I know. Color ME surprised.) Don't know the reasons, but the smart money says that he probably couldn't come up with rent money. As far as I know, he is still waiting on that phone call from the sheriff's department about his job.
Family Reunions:
Why are people so difficult? My mom's side of the family is so easy because it is the same plan every year.
Time: The last last Saturday in October, from 11am - 3ish
Place: Crossroads Baptist Church
Gameplan: Bring a covered dish and tea. Dinnerware and food heating facilities are in the church kitchen. Paper plates provided by the church. A collection will be taken up during the reunion for a love offering to the church and to replenish paper plate supply.
In other words, everyone know the drill. If you want to go, just show up. If you don't, then sorry you can't make it, maybe next year. No big deal.
My dad's side is a completely different story. It usually starts something like this:
One cousin will call another cousin and say "Are we going to have a reunion this year? Has anybody said anything about it?"
"Nope, I haven't heard anything, but Mary Jean usually keeps up with that stuff. Let me call her and see if she's heard anything."
"Hey Mary Jean. Listen, Eunice was asking if we're going to have a family reunion this year. Have you heard anything?"
"No, but remember last year, RuthAnn said something about just making it every OTHER year instead of every year, because it's a lot of work to put one of these together."
"Well, that's all well and good, but the thing about it is some of these cousins may not even BE here year after next, so we probably all should get try to get together."
"Yeah I know; I'll check around and let you know what I find out."
So this phone call goes around to various branches of the family, until someone eventually takes the bait and decides to go ahead and plan one. They'll pick a date and pick a place. Then the phone calls start back up again.
(For the record, all of these names have been changed to protect the guilty.)
Jim: "Ok, Eunice...I just heard from Roy. He said let's plan on the the third Saturday in October at The Dillard House."
Eunice: "Dillard! Dillard, GEORGIA???!!!? Shoot, that's two durn hours away. Plus, it'll probably wind up being something like $15 dollars a person. The only reason Roy wants to have it in Dillard is because he LIVES there. He don't think about everyone else. Well, he never did so why should I be surprised? Oh h*ll....let me think about it and get back to you. I'll call Aunt Lois's crowd, Uncle Frank's crowd and Aunt Mamie's crowd. You go ahead and let the rest know."
Mike: "Hey June. Listen I just got a phone call from Eunice. She said that Roy wants to have the reunion at The Dillard House the third Saturday in October."
June: "Dillard! What in the h*ll is he thinking?? I'm not driving all the way from Perry to Dillard to spend what?....all of two hours there and then have to drive all the way back to Perry. Does he not know how much gas costs these days? Plus, I know that place costs a fortune and it ain't all that great....at least it wasn't when I ate there 20 years ago."
So, this conversation goes all through the family with everyone (with the exception of Roy) b*tching about having a reunion in Dillard at The Dillard House. Roy gets mad because he doesn't understand why everyone is b*tching.
Then, someone else will pick up the ball.
Jane: "Hey Eunice. I just heard from Nelle. They want to have the reunion over at Ryan's in Hartwell on the second Saturday in October."
Eunice: "Well, Jane I just don't know how that's going to work for us. I think UGA is playing at home that weekend and Hank has tickets. I know I could just go on without Hank, but I just hate the thought of driving in all that Hartwell traffic. But, I'll let everyone in my crowd know and get the word out."
Eunice: "Kate? Hey, it's Eunice. Jane said that Nelle is wanting to have the reunion over at Ryan's in Hartwell on the second Saturday in October."
Kate: "Oh, sure have it at Ryan's! You know this really p*sses me off! Nelle knows good and well that my son and daughter in law have a restaurant in Comer that they have already said they would close up on Saturday so that we could have the reunion there. It would wind up being about $5 a head and they'd cook anything we wanted. I tell you what. Can you do me a favor? Call Nelle for me and tell her she can just kiss my a$$. Uh yeah....that means I won't be there."
So word gets around that Ryan's in Hartwell is out. So is the restaurant in Comer because Joe said he'd been over there and it was so filthy even the roaches refused to eat there. Joe then decided to do everyone a favor and relay that tidbit to everyone in the family (except Kate) so it would be sure to get shot down before it even happened.
Someone else picks up the ball.
Purnell: "Hey George. I got a phone call from Hiram. They've decided to have the reunion at the First Baptist Church in Lavonia on the third Saturday in October. It's going to be covered dish."
George: "Oh, crap. I hate covered dish. Why don't they have barbecue and stew? Everybody likes barbecue and stew. And it ain't that much trouble. There's a great barbecue place out on Elberton Hwy. Someone could go there that morning and pick up about 3 gallons of stew and probably about 25 lbs of barbecue would do the trick. It probably wouldn't be more than $8 a head."
Purnell: "Well, for one thing, Hank's already said anything more than $5 a head, then count him out. You know how stingy he is. I like barbecue, too, but Eunice said she's sick of having barbecue every year."
George: "Who's in charge of this thing anyway? I'm going to call Hiram and tell him he needs to change it to barbecue and stew instead of covered dish. Who the h*ll cares what Eunice thinks, anyway? Just because she doesn't want barbecue and stew doesn't mean everyone else has to go along with it. I'll help you get the word out, but go ahead and tell them that Hiram is going to pick up barbecue and stew."
RuthAnn: "Hello? Bobo? Yeah, it's RuthAnn. Hank just called and said....oh, you heard already. Yeah, I'm glad it's going to barbecue instead of covered dish. Well, the main reason I don't want to have covered dish is if Kate and her crowd is going to be there. Have you been over to Kate's house? That woman has about 22 cats living inside her house. You walk in smelling like spring flowers and you walk out smelling like cat p*ss. JD said that Kate had given him a quart of homemade pickles; he said they tasted funny and he got sick afterwards. I told him it was probably because they were pickled in cat p*ss instead of cider vinegar."
So, here's where it stands right now:
Kate and her crowd are p*ssed off and boycotting the reunion because word got back to her what Joe and RuthAnn had said.
Eunice is boycotting because it's going to be barbecue and stew.
Roy ain't coming because he'd have to drive from Dillard to Lavonia and it's too d*mn far. June won't be there for the same reason.
Nelle won't be there because Joe told her that Kate was coming so Nelle would be sure to stay home.
George decided not to come because Hiram is getting the the barbecue and stew from Chuck's Pork Palace instead of from Jake's Pig in a Poke. He's said heard things about Chuck's and none of them were good.
RuthAnn won't be there because she noticed that the cook over at Chuck's was some sort of foreigner and she heard he eats goat. She thinks that the stew probably has goat meat in it.
JD said he didn't know if he'd be there or not because just the thought of food makes him sick ever since he ate Kate's pickles.
Purnell said he wasn't coming because it sounded like no one much was going to be there.
In the meantime, Jane just called my dad. She's p*ssed.
"I swear Ken! First it was going to be on the third Saturday in October, then it got changed to the second Saturday in October and now it's switched back to the third Saturday. It was going to be in Dillard, then it got changed to Hartwell and then it got changed to Lavonia. It was going to be catered, then it was going to be covered dish and now it's going to be barbecue. People need to know so that they can be making plans. What the h*ll is so difficult about planning a reunion, anyway?"
Friday, September 19, 2008
Backstage at the Grand Ole Opry
I had posted in my profile that I wondered if Faith Hill was ticked because Carrie Underwood got invited to become a member of the Grand Ole Opry while Faith was still waiting on her invitation.
I imagine her reaction was something similar to this.
I had written that as a joke, but after writing it, I got to thinking about it. The Grand Ole Opry is sort of like a restricted country club for country singers. They only let a select few in and there's no rhyme or reason as to who gets chosen to be a member.
They don't get any extra money for being a member, they just get to go "I'm an Opry member and yoouuu aren't.....nanner, nanner, na, na.
This is probably what happens at the concierge's desk at the Opry Country Club:
"Hello Mr. Montgomery and Mr. Gentry! Mr. Paisley said you were friends of his and you might be stopping by. Your dressing room is just down the hall next to the men's room. Come on in and have a look around. Here's your day pass and you're scheduled to be on stage at 8pm. If you need anything, just ask ole Clyde, here. He'll fix you right up."
"What was that? Uh....membership? Well, I tell you what. I'll pass your names along and next time a member dies or starts acting the fool and has to be kicked out of the Opry, your name will be on the waiting list and we'll let you know. Mmmmkay? Now hang on to that day pass and don't forget....8pm you hit the stage. Buh-bye!"
"Psst! Jimmy! Hey! Little Jimmy Dickens! Yeah....listen. Go tell Ralph Stanley that that Montgomery Gentry act that Paisley was talking about just walked in. Marty Stuart had a 10am appointment with Enrique to have his highlights retouched and some hair extensions put in. Go see if he is done, then go grab Bill Anderson out of the hot tub. Mr. Stanley is going to meet the three of you in the Patsy Cline Boardroom to see if those two are the right kind of folk. I'll call Lorrie Morgan and have her keep them busy in the Opry Pool Hall."
"In the meantime, I'll set up a conference call with Jan Howard so y'all can go over their credit reports. Jimmy C. Neumann and Ricky Skaggs have been tailing them both for the past two weeks to see exactly how they really act off stage."
"Gentry's already got one strike against him because he's a vegan. Skaggs went through Montgomery's CD collection and guess what he found? Beyonce and Celine Dion. Yeah....go figure."
"Everybody's just real gunshy because we can't afford to have another Garth Brooks situation on our hands. Speaking of which, Garth is WAY overdue on his dues. Call up Whitney...I mean Tricia. I'd better be careful. One of these days I'm going to slip up. Well, Billy Ray was the one that started calling them Whitney and Bobby."
"Anyway, I think Tricia handles the money. You tell her if the dues aren't here by the end of the week, their Opry Clubhouse privileges will be suspended."
"If she gives you any lip, turn it over to Barbara Mandrell. You know, that woman is tiny, but I've seen that woman punch three bikers out over at Tootsie's without blinking an eye and ooooohhh that woman has a mouth on her! Mandrell can chew your butt out worse than a Marine Corps Drill Instructor. After Barbara gets done with Tricia, she might not have a butt left! Thanks Jimmy, if you go round everyone up, I'll call Ralph and tell him y'all will be in the boardroom in a little bit."
"Well, hey Miss Loretta! How've you been? No, Patty Loveless isn't here this week. Naw, Carrie Underwood bought a new beach house over in Hilton Head and she invited Patty and Pam Tillis over for a weekend girl's getaway. No, actually I think she owns four beach homes now. Yes ma'am, I'll tell her you said hey."
"Mr. Milsap? Can I speak to you for a minute? Dolly, Reba, and Emmylou all said that you've been wandering in the women's sauna room. Now the first time it happened, they figured it was an accident and they all had a good laugh about it. Well, they don't think it's funny anymore and they say that you are weirding them out. Well, I know it's not like you can actually see them naked, but just the same they want you to cut the crap. You mean Vince Gill dared you to do it? Seriously?"
"Whoa, hang on a sec! Mr. Chesney....can I see your day card please? You don't have one? Well, are you here to see a member? Who? I'm sorry, but Tim McGraw is not a member of the Opry. No, he's not. Yes, I'm sure. He told you what? Let me get this straight. Tim McGraw told you that they are inviting YOU to be a member of the Grand Ole Opry and HE is going to make the presentation. Well, I'm sorry Mr. Chesney, but apparently Tim has pranked you. Since you don't have a day card and you're not with a member, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I'm sorry."
"Yes? Oh, hello Mr. Jackson. Charlie, can you let Dot know that Alan Jackson is here for his manicure and pedicure? Mr. Jackson, if you leave your boots here, I'll have Tyrone oil them up for you."
"Pickler! Hey! You! Kellie Pickler! Now just what do you and Jessica Simpson think you are doing? No, Dolly is busy. Look I said she was busy! She's in the middle of a Pilates class with her personal trainer. Do either of you have a day card? You know, an Opry day card! Yeah, I didn't think so. You know the rules. Now out!!! Don't make me call security."
"Uh-oh. Lester would you mind coming over here for a minute? I may need some back up because this could get nasty. Uhhh, Mr. Atkins, sir? Ok, Trace. Look, I really hate to do this but I was asked to talk to you about your ponytail. Well, the group thinks it's time to cut it off. Hey look, if it makes you feel any better, Travis Tritt went to bat for you. He went through the same thing several years ago. He finally decided it just wasn't worth arguing about, so he cut his ponytail off. Believe me, he knows where you are coming from. It's mainly coming from the older members. They say that it makes the place look like a biker hangout...hang on a minute."
"Pickler, I said leave....NOW!!!! No, Dolly did NOT call you to do her hair. Look Pickler, I didn't just fall off the turnip truck. Dolly Parton's real hair has not seen the light of day since 1967. When she goes on tour, she has her bus, and three 18 wheelers carrying her wigs. Just so you know, everyone around here knows that you and Jessica Simpson are sucking up to her thinking she will pull some strings and get you in, but you're wasting your time and kissing the wrong butt. No, I'm not going to tell you. Ok...it's Jim Ed Brown. You're welcome. See ya later."
"Oh heck, no, I just made that up....if Jim says anything to you about it, tell them Mel Tillis put them up to it."
"Crap...would someone go grab Martina McBride from the Minnie Pearl Day Spa? Her kids are just trashing the Bill Monroe Theatre. They've poured coke and pop corn all of the floor. I think one of them is having a birthday party. This ain't a Chuck E Cheese!"
"What a day and it's not even lunch time!"
I imagine her reaction was something similar to this.
I had written that as a joke, but after writing it, I got to thinking about it. The Grand Ole Opry is sort of like a restricted country club for country singers. They only let a select few in and there's no rhyme or reason as to who gets chosen to be a member.
They don't get any extra money for being a member, they just get to go "I'm an Opry member and yoouuu aren't.....nanner, nanner, na, na.
This is probably what happens at the concierge's desk at the Opry Country Club:
"Hello Mr. Montgomery and Mr. Gentry! Mr. Paisley said you were friends of his and you might be stopping by. Your dressing room is just down the hall next to the men's room. Come on in and have a look around. Here's your day pass and you're scheduled to be on stage at 8pm. If you need anything, just ask ole Clyde, here. He'll fix you right up."
"What was that? Uh....membership? Well, I tell you what. I'll pass your names along and next time a member dies or starts acting the fool and has to be kicked out of the Opry, your name will be on the waiting list and we'll let you know. Mmmmkay? Now hang on to that day pass and don't forget....8pm you hit the stage. Buh-bye!"
"Psst! Jimmy! Hey! Little Jimmy Dickens! Yeah....listen. Go tell Ralph Stanley that that Montgomery Gentry act that Paisley was talking about just walked in. Marty Stuart had a 10am appointment with Enrique to have his highlights retouched and some hair extensions put in. Go see if he is done, then go grab Bill Anderson out of the hot tub. Mr. Stanley is going to meet the three of you in the Patsy Cline Boardroom to see if those two are the right kind of folk. I'll call Lorrie Morgan and have her keep them busy in the Opry Pool Hall."
"In the meantime, I'll set up a conference call with Jan Howard so y'all can go over their credit reports. Jimmy C. Neumann and Ricky Skaggs have been tailing them both for the past two weeks to see exactly how they really act off stage."
"Gentry's already got one strike against him because he's a vegan. Skaggs went through Montgomery's CD collection and guess what he found? Beyonce and Celine Dion. Yeah....go figure."
"Everybody's just real gunshy because we can't afford to have another Garth Brooks situation on our hands. Speaking of which, Garth is WAY overdue on his dues. Call up Whitney...I mean Tricia. I'd better be careful. One of these days I'm going to slip up. Well, Billy Ray was the one that started calling them Whitney and Bobby."
"Anyway, I think Tricia handles the money. You tell her if the dues aren't here by the end of the week, their Opry Clubhouse privileges will be suspended."
"If she gives you any lip, turn it over to Barbara Mandrell. You know, that woman is tiny, but I've seen that woman punch three bikers out over at Tootsie's without blinking an eye and ooooohhh that woman has a mouth on her! Mandrell can chew your butt out worse than a Marine Corps Drill Instructor. After Barbara gets done with Tricia, she might not have a butt left! Thanks Jimmy, if you go round everyone up, I'll call Ralph and tell him y'all will be in the boardroom in a little bit."
"Well, hey Miss Loretta! How've you been? No, Patty Loveless isn't here this week. Naw, Carrie Underwood bought a new beach house over in Hilton Head and she invited Patty and Pam Tillis over for a weekend girl's getaway. No, actually I think she owns four beach homes now. Yes ma'am, I'll tell her you said hey."
"Mr. Milsap? Can I speak to you for a minute? Dolly, Reba, and Emmylou all said that you've been wandering in the women's sauna room. Now the first time it happened, they figured it was an accident and they all had a good laugh about it. Well, they don't think it's funny anymore and they say that you are weirding them out. Well, I know it's not like you can actually see them naked, but just the same they want you to cut the crap. You mean Vince Gill dared you to do it? Seriously?"
"Whoa, hang on a sec! Mr. Chesney....can I see your day card please? You don't have one? Well, are you here to see a member? Who? I'm sorry, but Tim McGraw is not a member of the Opry. No, he's not. Yes, I'm sure. He told you what? Let me get this straight. Tim McGraw told you that they are inviting YOU to be a member of the Grand Ole Opry and HE is going to make the presentation. Well, I'm sorry Mr. Chesney, but apparently Tim has pranked you. Since you don't have a day card and you're not with a member, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I'm sorry."
"Yes? Oh, hello Mr. Jackson. Charlie, can you let Dot know that Alan Jackson is here for his manicure and pedicure? Mr. Jackson, if you leave your boots here, I'll have Tyrone oil them up for you."
"Pickler! Hey! You! Kellie Pickler! Now just what do you and Jessica Simpson think you are doing? No, Dolly is busy. Look I said she was busy! She's in the middle of a Pilates class with her personal trainer. Do either of you have a day card? You know, an Opry day card! Yeah, I didn't think so. You know the rules. Now out!!! Don't make me call security."
"Uh-oh. Lester would you mind coming over here for a minute? I may need some back up because this could get nasty. Uhhh, Mr. Atkins, sir? Ok, Trace. Look, I really hate to do this but I was asked to talk to you about your ponytail. Well, the group thinks it's time to cut it off. Hey look, if it makes you feel any better, Travis Tritt went to bat for you. He went through the same thing several years ago. He finally decided it just wasn't worth arguing about, so he cut his ponytail off. Believe me, he knows where you are coming from. It's mainly coming from the older members. They say that it makes the place look like a biker hangout...hang on a minute."
"Pickler, I said leave....NOW!!!! No, Dolly did NOT call you to do her hair. Look Pickler, I didn't just fall off the turnip truck. Dolly Parton's real hair has not seen the light of day since 1967. When she goes on tour, she has her bus, and three 18 wheelers carrying her wigs. Just so you know, everyone around here knows that you and Jessica Simpson are sucking up to her thinking she will pull some strings and get you in, but you're wasting your time and kissing the wrong butt. No, I'm not going to tell you. Ok...it's Jim Ed Brown. You're welcome. See ya later."
"Oh heck, no, I just made that up....if Jim says anything to you about it, tell them Mel Tillis put them up to it."
"Crap...would someone go grab Martina McBride from the Minnie Pearl Day Spa? Her kids are just trashing the Bill Monroe Theatre. They've poured coke and pop corn all of the floor. I think one of them is having a birthday party. This ain't a Chuck E Cheese!"
"What a day and it's not even lunch time!"
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Day Two...Nothing Exciting.
Gosh, I feel so John-Boy Walton-like. Except I don't wear overalls or spend all my time in my bedroom writing to avoid doing chores. Remember how the adults treated John-Boy?
“Shhh, children! Don’t bother John-Boy; he’s writing.”
“Ben, you go milk the cow. John-Boy’s writing.”
“John-Boy! I need your help! Your grandma’s fallen and she can’t get up! Oh, sorry son, I didn’t realize you were writing.”
Never once did you hear his mother say “John-Boy! If you want to write, then get your butt down here in the kitchen, write down my grocery list, then walk over to Ike’s and get it. No, not in a minute...I said NOW and I MEAN NOW!!! Don’t make me come up there with a switch, because I’ll do it in a heartbeat!”
Speaking of the Walton’s, since Hollywood seems to love remaking TV shows into movies, or revamping old TV shows into new TV shows, I think The Waltons would be a perfect candidate for a remake.
OK…first off take note of this date. If anyone steals this idea, they better make sure they have documentation that proves they came up with the idea before September 18, 2008.
Now, with that said, here’s what I would do.
First off, I’d keep the family as a poor white mountain family living in Virginia; it works and it’s simple. But, instead of having the time period being during The Great Depression, I’d bring them into the late 80’s or early 90’s.
My premise would be that the family had money at one time, and lots of it. They sold off Walton’s Mountain to a real estate developer and got a ton of money for the property. The family then proceed to spend the money frivolously.
Like the time Mary Ellen talked all of the Walton womenfolk (including Grandma) to ride over to the New Beginnings Surgical Center in Charlottesville and get boob jobs and lyposuction.
Against Grandpa's better judgement, Ben decided to buy some antique cars. After all the paperwork had been signed, it turned out the cars were stolen and Ben lost his money.
Eventually, the family lost their entire fortune because no one knew how to manage money.
Part of the land deal was that they got to keep the old family homestead for sentimental reasons. So the family simply moved back into their old homestead.
The property backs up to Walton’s Mountain Campground and RV Park. The Walton’s Mountain Wal-Mart is just down the road. The Walton’s Mountain Hooters is at the base of the mountain right where you get on the interstate. Walton Ridge, Walton Mill, and Walton Summit are vacation resorts located nearby and Walton’s Mountain State Park is on the other side of the mountain.
This is what I would do to the characters:
Grandpa Walton: He’s in his mid-70’s. He gets up every morning and goes over to the Walton’s Mountain Waffle House for a cup of coffee, a smoke, and bum a paper so he can work the crossword puzzle. He has a little chart in his wallet that lists all the restaurants on Walton’s Mountain and when each of them has their senior discount night. Grandma doesn’t know he smokes, which is why he goes down to the Waffle House. He works part time as a Wal-Mart greeter.
Grandma Walton: She’s in her mid-70’s. She’s teaches the senior Sunday School class and plays the organ at the Walton’s Mountain First Baptist Church. She’s knows The Bible by heart and can recite any Bible verse at the drop of a hat. Her dirty secret is that everyone THINKS she goes to church on Wednesday nights, but she is actually down at the Walton’s Mountain VFW playing bingo. She tithes 10 percent of her winnings to the church, but she pockets the rest for her dream trip. When she gets enough money, she’s going to get on a bus for Chicago and watch a taping of The Oprah Winfrey Show.
John Walton, Sr.: He’s in his mid-50’s. It was his idea to build Six Banners Over Walton’s Mountain with his share of the land money, but Six Flags International sent him a cease and desist order on opening day so he had to close it. He sold the rides to a traveling carnival at a loss and the fountains at the front of the park are used by Walton’s Mountain Baptist Church as a baptismal pool. He blew the rest of the money on Mega Millions lottery tickets when the jackpot got up to $170 million. He figured he improve his odds (?) by picking his own 6 numbers and playing the same six numbers on 3 million tickets. None of the numbers hit, and John lost $3 million. Obviously, John is not the brains in this outfit.
Olivia Walton: She’s in her mid-50’s. She’s the head waitress at Walton’s Mountain Flying J Truckstop. She works the night shift because the tips are better and the truck drivers that come in the restaurant are regulars and aren’t weird. She teaches the Children’s Sunday School Class at the Walton’s Mountain Baptist Church.
(Now here’s where it gets REALLY cool!):
John Walton, Jr. aka John-Boy: John-Boy is in his early 20’s. He was able to get a full scholarship at UC Berkeley based on an essay that he bought over the Internet. He is a writer, but the only things he has written to date are comic books and Star Wars fan-fiction. He has about 30 tattoos and about 12 piercings at last count; 9 of which cannot be seen when he’s wearing street clothes. Grandma says he’s got a front seat on the Hell Train, Grandpa and Daddy are stunned that the oldest and supposedly best and brightest wears earrings, and Mama is totally pissed because he used her gold ear studs to get his tongue and navel pierced.
Jason Walton: Jason is also in his early 20’s and he has always loved music. He’s played on tour with Def Leppard, Styx, Van Halen, Journey, and Twisted Sister. Unfortunately, being in that fast paced atmosphere, his demons finally caught up with him and he is currently doing a stint in the Walton’s Mountain Rehab Facility.
Mary Ellen Walton: Mary Ellen just turned 21 and has finally gotten her dream job. Now that she’s of legal age, she just got a job at the Walton’s Mountain Hooters. The tips are great and she’s saving her money for fall tuition. She’s just been accepted for the fall semester at Walton’s Mountain School of Cosmetology and she’s looking forward to the day when she can open her own beauty parlor: Mary Ellen’s Cut and Curl. Her dirty secret? Last summer, she and Elizabeth went to Panama City on Spring Break. She got a butterfly tattoo on her left butt-cheek and she’s not sure, but she thinks there is a distinct possibility that she may be on a soon to be released Girls Gone Wild DVD.
Ben Walton: Ben is 20 and is a paralegal. Right now, he’s working as a research consultant for Walton’s Mountain’s Top Personal Injury Attorney, David Manischewitz.
Erin Walton: Erin is 19 and is a militant feminist and social activist. She’s organized protests against the Future Farmers of America because they insist on using industrial fertilizer to grow crops rather than promoting organic farming methods. She’s organized protests against the Miss Walton’s Mountain Beauty Pageant because she said it’s demeaning to women. She led a march to halt the creation of the Walton’s Mountain Sewage Treatment Facility. She was able to prove that Walton’s Mountain Pharmaceuticals created a chemical waste dump near the playground at Walton’s Mountain Elementary School. So far, the children seemed to have suffered no ill side effects, but she has filed a class action lawsuit against the company, anyway. She wears no make up because it’s very difficult to find beauty products that aren’t tested on animals and she doesn’t shave her legs.
Jim-Bob Walton: Jim-Bob is 18 and is studying fashion design at Walton’s Mountain Community College. He is working his way through school by doing some occasional interior decorating, but he also has a night job as a male dancer at Walton’s Mountain’s only gay bar: The Other Side of the Mountain.
Elizabeth Walton: Elizabeth is 17, dresses in black, and says she a practicing pagan. She’s not on speaking terms with Grandma Walton because she found out Grandma requested Elizabeth’s name be placed on the church prayer list for eternity. She and Grandma had some words last month. Grandma wound up telling Elizabeth that she has a reservation on the Hell Train right next to John-Boy unless she changes her ways. As soon as Elizabeth gets her GED, she’s going to work as a makeup artist at the Walton’s Mountain Funeral Home and Crematorium.
Ike Godsey: Ike isn’t in this version. He and Corabeth sold the store to an Indian couple, Raiijan and Shakti Benakannakarvar. Ike and Corabeth have moved to Buloxi, MS so they can go to the casinos every weekend. Raiijan and Shakti are liked, but are somewhat difficult to understand. The store now sells slushies and day old doughnuts that Raiijan gets from his brother, who owns a Dunkin Donuts on Walton’s Mountain Parkway.
Mamie and Emily Baldwin: Mamie and Emily are the two old maid spinster sisters who sell their father’s “recipe” to the residents of Walton’s Mountain. In the original version of The Walton’s, the recipe was actually moonshine. In the updated version, it’s crystal meth.
Okay…that’s my idea. Good night John-Boy!
“Shhh, children! Don’t bother John-Boy; he’s writing.”
“Ben, you go milk the cow. John-Boy’s writing.”
“John-Boy! I need your help! Your grandma’s fallen and she can’t get up! Oh, sorry son, I didn’t realize you were writing.”
Never once did you hear his mother say “John-Boy! If you want to write, then get your butt down here in the kitchen, write down my grocery list, then walk over to Ike’s and get it. No, not in a minute...I said NOW and I MEAN NOW!!! Don’t make me come up there with a switch, because I’ll do it in a heartbeat!”
Speaking of the Walton’s, since Hollywood seems to love remaking TV shows into movies, or revamping old TV shows into new TV shows, I think The Waltons would be a perfect candidate for a remake.
OK…first off take note of this date. If anyone steals this idea, they better make sure they have documentation that proves they came up with the idea before September 18, 2008.
Now, with that said, here’s what I would do.
First off, I’d keep the family as a poor white mountain family living in Virginia; it works and it’s simple. But, instead of having the time period being during The Great Depression, I’d bring them into the late 80’s or early 90’s.
My premise would be that the family had money at one time, and lots of it. They sold off Walton’s Mountain to a real estate developer and got a ton of money for the property. The family then proceed to spend the money frivolously.
Like the time Mary Ellen talked all of the Walton womenfolk (including Grandma) to ride over to the New Beginnings Surgical Center in Charlottesville and get boob jobs and lyposuction.
Against Grandpa's better judgement, Ben decided to buy some antique cars. After all the paperwork had been signed, it turned out the cars were stolen and Ben lost his money.
Eventually, the family lost their entire fortune because no one knew how to manage money.
Part of the land deal was that they got to keep the old family homestead for sentimental reasons. So the family simply moved back into their old homestead.
The property backs up to Walton’s Mountain Campground and RV Park. The Walton’s Mountain Wal-Mart is just down the road. The Walton’s Mountain Hooters is at the base of the mountain right where you get on the interstate. Walton Ridge, Walton Mill, and Walton Summit are vacation resorts located nearby and Walton’s Mountain State Park is on the other side of the mountain.
This is what I would do to the characters:
Grandpa Walton: He’s in his mid-70’s. He gets up every morning and goes over to the Walton’s Mountain Waffle House for a cup of coffee, a smoke, and bum a paper so he can work the crossword puzzle. He has a little chart in his wallet that lists all the restaurants on Walton’s Mountain and when each of them has their senior discount night. Grandma doesn’t know he smokes, which is why he goes down to the Waffle House. He works part time as a Wal-Mart greeter.
Grandma Walton: She’s in her mid-70’s. She’s teaches the senior Sunday School class and plays the organ at the Walton’s Mountain First Baptist Church. She’s knows The Bible by heart and can recite any Bible verse at the drop of a hat. Her dirty secret is that everyone THINKS she goes to church on Wednesday nights, but she is actually down at the Walton’s Mountain VFW playing bingo. She tithes 10 percent of her winnings to the church, but she pockets the rest for her dream trip. When she gets enough money, she’s going to get on a bus for Chicago and watch a taping of The Oprah Winfrey Show.
John Walton, Sr.: He’s in his mid-50’s. It was his idea to build Six Banners Over Walton’s Mountain with his share of the land money, but Six Flags International sent him a cease and desist order on opening day so he had to close it. He sold the rides to a traveling carnival at a loss and the fountains at the front of the park are used by Walton’s Mountain Baptist Church as a baptismal pool. He blew the rest of the money on Mega Millions lottery tickets when the jackpot got up to $170 million. He figured he improve his odds (?) by picking his own 6 numbers and playing the same six numbers on 3 million tickets. None of the numbers hit, and John lost $3 million. Obviously, John is not the brains in this outfit.
Olivia Walton: She’s in her mid-50’s. She’s the head waitress at Walton’s Mountain Flying J Truckstop. She works the night shift because the tips are better and the truck drivers that come in the restaurant are regulars and aren’t weird. She teaches the Children’s Sunday School Class at the Walton’s Mountain Baptist Church.
(Now here’s where it gets REALLY cool!):
John Walton, Jr. aka John-Boy: John-Boy is in his early 20’s. He was able to get a full scholarship at UC Berkeley based on an essay that he bought over the Internet. He is a writer, but the only things he has written to date are comic books and Star Wars fan-fiction. He has about 30 tattoos and about 12 piercings at last count; 9 of which cannot be seen when he’s wearing street clothes. Grandma says he’s got a front seat on the Hell Train, Grandpa and Daddy are stunned that the oldest and supposedly best and brightest wears earrings, and Mama is totally pissed because he used her gold ear studs to get his tongue and navel pierced.
Jason Walton: Jason is also in his early 20’s and he has always loved music. He’s played on tour with Def Leppard, Styx, Van Halen, Journey, and Twisted Sister. Unfortunately, being in that fast paced atmosphere, his demons finally caught up with him and he is currently doing a stint in the Walton’s Mountain Rehab Facility.
Mary Ellen Walton: Mary Ellen just turned 21 and has finally gotten her dream job. Now that she’s of legal age, she just got a job at the Walton’s Mountain Hooters. The tips are great and she’s saving her money for fall tuition. She’s just been accepted for the fall semester at Walton’s Mountain School of Cosmetology and she’s looking forward to the day when she can open her own beauty parlor: Mary Ellen’s Cut and Curl. Her dirty secret? Last summer, she and Elizabeth went to Panama City on Spring Break. She got a butterfly tattoo on her left butt-cheek and she’s not sure, but she thinks there is a distinct possibility that she may be on a soon to be released Girls Gone Wild DVD.
Ben Walton: Ben is 20 and is a paralegal. Right now, he’s working as a research consultant for Walton’s Mountain’s Top Personal Injury Attorney, David Manischewitz.
Erin Walton: Erin is 19 and is a militant feminist and social activist. She’s organized protests against the Future Farmers of America because they insist on using industrial fertilizer to grow crops rather than promoting organic farming methods. She’s organized protests against the Miss Walton’s Mountain Beauty Pageant because she said it’s demeaning to women. She led a march to halt the creation of the Walton’s Mountain Sewage Treatment Facility. She was able to prove that Walton’s Mountain Pharmaceuticals created a chemical waste dump near the playground at Walton’s Mountain Elementary School. So far, the children seemed to have suffered no ill side effects, but she has filed a class action lawsuit against the company, anyway. She wears no make up because it’s very difficult to find beauty products that aren’t tested on animals and she doesn’t shave her legs.
Jim-Bob Walton: Jim-Bob is 18 and is studying fashion design at Walton’s Mountain Community College. He is working his way through school by doing some occasional interior decorating, but he also has a night job as a male dancer at Walton’s Mountain’s only gay bar: The Other Side of the Mountain.
Elizabeth Walton: Elizabeth is 17, dresses in black, and says she a practicing pagan. She’s not on speaking terms with Grandma Walton because she found out Grandma requested Elizabeth’s name be placed on the church prayer list for eternity. She and Grandma had some words last month. Grandma wound up telling Elizabeth that she has a reservation on the Hell Train right next to John-Boy unless she changes her ways. As soon as Elizabeth gets her GED, she’s going to work as a makeup artist at the Walton’s Mountain Funeral Home and Crematorium.
Ike Godsey: Ike isn’t in this version. He and Corabeth sold the store to an Indian couple, Raiijan and Shakti Benakannakarvar. Ike and Corabeth have moved to Buloxi, MS so they can go to the casinos every weekend. Raiijan and Shakti are liked, but are somewhat difficult to understand. The store now sells slushies and day old doughnuts that Raiijan gets from his brother, who owns a Dunkin Donuts on Walton’s Mountain Parkway.
Mamie and Emily Baldwin: Mamie and Emily are the two old maid spinster sisters who sell their father’s “recipe” to the residents of Walton’s Mountain. In the original version of The Walton’s, the recipe was actually moonshine. In the updated version, it’s crystal meth.
Okay…that’s my idea. Good night John-Boy!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
How This All Got Started........
Personally, I never thought about creating a blog. I had a diary when I was about 12, but I quit after a couple of weeks.
November 15, 1972…..Got up. Went to school. Came home. Did homework. Took a bath, then watched TV. Wrote in my diary and went to bed.
I would have been so embarrassed if they had found the entry for November 17, 1972…..Got up. Went to school. Came home. Did homework. Took a bath, then watched TV. Wrote in my diary and went to bed.
By November 19, 1972, I had wised up. That entry read: See November 15 - 18, 1972.
A while back, I created a fake myspace page for a fictional character based on some exaggerated personality traits of someone that I knew. I created a blog on that page outlining the completely fictitious events of this character’s life.
My cousin, well, one could probably build a strong case that she’s crazy when meeting her for the first time. But, since I’ve known her longer, I can safely say that she’s crazier than a truck load of batshit.
Oh..and for the record, when I say crazy, I don't mean party girl crazy. You know the ones: The "WEEE!!!! I showed 'em to you, now throw me some beads!!!!" crazy.
She's more along the lines of (as we say in the South) "she just ain't got no common sense" crazy.
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