Backstage at the Grand Ole Opry

I had posted in my profile that I wondered if Faith Hill was ticked because Carrie Underwood got invited to become a member of the Grand Ole Opry while Faith was still waiting on her invitation.

I imagine her reaction was something similar to this.

I had written that as a joke, but after writing it, I got to thinking about it. The Grand Ole Opry is sort of like a restricted country club for country singers. They only let a select few in and there's no rhyme or reason as to who gets chosen to be a member.

They don't get any extra money for being a member, they just get to go "I'm an Opry member and yoouuu aren't.....nanner, nanner, na, na.

This is probably what happens at the concierge's desk at the Opry Country Club:

"Hello Mr. Montgomery and Mr. Gentry! Mr. Paisley said you were friends of his and you might be stopping by. Your dressing room is just down the hall next to the men's room. Come on in and have a look around. Here's your day pass and you're scheduled to be on stage at 8pm. If you need anything, just ask ole Clyde, here. He'll fix you right up."

"What was that? Uh....membership? Well, I tell you what. I'll pass your names along and next time a member dies or starts acting the fool and has to be kicked out of the Opry, your name will be on the waiting list and we'll let you know. Mmmmkay? Now hang on to that day pass and don't forget....8pm you hit the stage. Buh-bye!"

"Psst! Jimmy! Hey! Little Jimmy Dickens! Yeah....listen. Go tell Ralph Stanley that that Montgomery Gentry act that Paisley was talking about just walked in. Marty Stuart had a 10am appointment with Enrique to have his highlights retouched and some hair extensions put in. Go see if he is done, then go grab Bill Anderson out of the hot tub. Mr. Stanley is going to meet the three of you in the Patsy Cline Boardroom to see if those two are the right kind of folk. I'll call Lorrie Morgan and have her keep them busy in the Opry Pool Hall."

"In the meantime, I'll set up a conference call with Jan Howard so y'all can go over their credit reports. Jimmy C. Neumann and Ricky Skaggs have been tailing them both for the past two weeks to see exactly how they really act off stage."

"Gentry's already got one strike against him because he's a vegan. Skaggs went through Montgomery's CD collection and guess what he found? Beyonce and Celine Dion. Yeah....go figure."

"Everybody's just real gunshy because we can't afford to have another Garth Brooks situation on our hands. Speaking of which, Garth is WAY overdue on his dues. Call up Whitney...I mean Tricia. I'd better be careful. One of these days I'm going to slip up. Well, Billy Ray was the one that started calling them Whitney and Bobby."

"Anyway, I think Tricia handles the money. You tell her if the dues aren't here by the end of the week, their Opry Clubhouse privileges will be suspended."

"If she gives you any lip, turn it over to Barbara Mandrell. You know, that woman is tiny, but I've seen that woman punch three bikers out over at Tootsie's without blinking an eye and ooooohhh that woman has a mouth on her! Mandrell can chew your butt out worse than a Marine Corps Drill Instructor. After Barbara gets done with Tricia, she might not have a butt left! Thanks Jimmy, if you go round everyone up, I'll call Ralph and tell him y'all will be in the boardroom in a little bit."

"Well, hey Miss Loretta! How've you been? No, Patty Loveless isn't here this week. Naw, Carrie Underwood bought a new beach house over in Hilton Head and she invited Patty and Pam Tillis over for a weekend girl's getaway. No, actually I think she owns four beach homes now. Yes ma'am, I'll tell her you said hey."

"Mr. Milsap? Can I speak to you for a minute? Dolly, Reba, and Emmylou all said that you've been wandering in the women's sauna room. Now the first time it happened, they figured it was an accident and they all had a good laugh about it. Well, they don't think it's funny anymore and they say that you are weirding them out. Well, I know it's not like you can actually see them naked, but just the same they want you to cut the crap. You mean Vince Gill dared you to do it? Seriously?"

"Whoa, hang on a sec! Mr. Chesney....can I see your day card please? You don't have one? Well, are you here to see a member? Who? I'm sorry, but Tim McGraw is not a member of the Opry. No, he's not. Yes, I'm sure. He told you what? Let me get this straight. Tim McGraw told you that they are inviting YOU to be a member of the Grand Ole Opry and HE is going to make the presentation. Well, I'm sorry Mr. Chesney, but apparently Tim has pranked you. Since you don't have a day card and you're not with a member, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I'm sorry."

"Yes? Oh, hello Mr. Jackson. Charlie, can you let Dot know that Alan Jackson is here for his manicure and pedicure? Mr. Jackson, if you leave your boots here, I'll have Tyrone oil them up for you."

"Pickler! Hey! You! Kellie Pickler! Now just what do you and Jessica Simpson think you are doing? No, Dolly is busy. Look I said she was busy! She's in the middle of a Pilates class with her personal trainer. Do either of you have a day card? You know, an Opry day card! Yeah, I didn't think so. You know the rules. Now out!!! Don't make me call security."

"Uh-oh. Lester would you mind coming over here for a minute? I may need some back up because this could get nasty. Uhhh, Mr. Atkins, sir? Ok, Trace. Look, I really hate to do this but I was asked to talk to you about your ponytail. Well, the group thinks it's time to cut it off. Hey look, if it makes you feel any better, Travis Tritt went to bat for you. He went through the same thing several years ago. He finally decided it just wasn't worth arguing about, so he cut his ponytail off. Believe me, he knows where you are coming from. It's mainly coming from the older members. They say that it makes the place look like a biker hangout...hang on a minute."

"Pickler, I said leave....NOW!!!! No, Dolly did NOT call you to do her hair. Look Pickler, I didn't just fall off the turnip truck. Dolly Parton's real hair has not seen the light of day since 1967. When she goes on tour, she has her bus, and three 18 wheelers carrying her wigs. Just so you know, everyone around here knows that you and Jessica Simpson are sucking up to her thinking she will pull some strings and get you in, but you're wasting your time and kissing the wrong butt. No, I'm not going to tell you. Ok...it's Jim Ed Brown. You're welcome. See ya later."

"Oh heck, no, I just made that up....if Jim says anything to you about it, tell them Mel Tillis put them up to it."

"Crap...would someone go grab Martina McBride from the Minnie Pearl Day Spa? Her kids are just trashing the Bill Monroe Theatre. They've poured coke and pop corn all of the floor. I think one of them is having a birthday party. This ain't a Chuck E Cheese!"

"What a day and it's not even lunch time!"