Day Two...Nothing Exciting.

Gosh, I feel so John-Boy Walton-like. Except I don't wear overalls or spend all my time in my bedroom writing to avoid doing chores. Remember how the adults treated John-Boy?

“Shhh, children! Don’t bother John-Boy; he’s writing.”

“Ben, you go milk the cow. John-Boy’s writing.”

“John-Boy! I need your help! Your grandma’s fallen and she can’t get up! Oh, sorry son, I didn’t realize you were writing.”

Never once did you hear his mother say “John-Boy! If you want to write, then get your butt down here in the kitchen, write down my grocery list, then walk over to Ike’s and get it. No, not in a minute...I said NOW and I MEAN NOW!!! Don’t make me come up there with a switch, because I’ll do it in a heartbeat!”

Speaking of the Walton’s, since Hollywood seems to love remaking TV shows into movies, or revamping old TV shows into new TV shows, I think The Waltons would be a perfect candidate for a remake.

OK…first off take note of this date. If anyone steals this idea, they better make sure they have documentation that proves they came up with the idea before September 18, 2008.

Now, with that said, here’s what I would do.

First off, I’d keep the family as a poor white mountain family living in Virginia; it works and it’s simple. But, instead of having the time period being during The Great Depression, I’d bring them into the late 80’s or early 90’s.

My premise would be that the family had money at one time, and lots of it. They sold off Walton’s Mountain to a real estate developer and got a ton of money for the property. The family then proceed to spend the money frivolously.

Like the time Mary Ellen talked all of the Walton womenfolk (including Grandma) to ride over to the New Beginnings Surgical Center in Charlottesville and get boob jobs and lyposuction.

Against Grandpa's better judgement, Ben decided to buy some antique cars. After all the paperwork had been signed, it turned out the cars were stolen and Ben lost his money.

Eventually, the family lost their entire fortune because no one knew how to manage money.

Part of the land deal was that they got to keep the old family homestead for sentimental reasons. So the family simply moved back into their old homestead.

The property backs up to Walton’s Mountain Campground and RV Park. The Walton’s Mountain Wal-Mart is just down the road. The Walton’s Mountain Hooters is at the base of the mountain right where you get on the interstate. Walton Ridge, Walton Mill, and Walton Summit are vacation resorts located nearby and Walton’s Mountain State Park is on the other side of the mountain.

This is what I would do to the characters:

Grandpa Walton: He’s in his mid-70’s. He gets up every morning and goes over to the Walton’s Mountain Waffle House for a cup of coffee, a smoke, and bum a paper so he can work the crossword puzzle. He has a little chart in his wallet that lists all the restaurants on Walton’s Mountain and when each of them has their senior discount night. Grandma doesn’t know he smokes, which is why he goes down to the Waffle House. He works part time as a Wal-Mart greeter.

Grandma Walton: She’s in her mid-70’s. She’s teaches the senior Sunday School class and plays the organ at the Walton’s Mountain First Baptist Church. She’s knows The Bible by heart and can recite any Bible verse at the drop of a hat. Her dirty secret is that everyone THINKS she goes to church on Wednesday nights, but she is actually down at the Walton’s Mountain VFW playing bingo. She tithes 10 percent of her winnings to the church, but she pockets the rest for her dream trip. When she gets enough money, she’s going to get on a bus for Chicago and watch a taping of The Oprah Winfrey Show.

John Walton, Sr.: He’s in his mid-50’s. It was his idea to build Six Banners Over Walton’s Mountain with his share of the land money, but Six Flags International sent him a cease and desist order on opening day so he had to close it. He sold the rides to a traveling carnival at a loss and the fountains at the front of the park are used by Walton’s Mountain Baptist Church as a baptismal pool. He blew the rest of the money on Mega Millions lottery tickets when the jackpot got up to $170 million. He figured he improve his odds (?) by picking his own 6 numbers and playing the same six numbers on 3 million tickets. None of the numbers hit, and John lost $3 million. Obviously, John is not the brains in this outfit.

Olivia Walton: She’s in her mid-50’s. She’s the head waitress at Walton’s Mountain Flying J Truckstop. She works the night shift because the tips are better and the truck drivers that come in the restaurant are regulars and aren’t weird. She teaches the Children’s Sunday School Class at the Walton’s Mountain Baptist Church.

(Now here’s where it gets REALLY cool!):

John Walton, Jr. aka John-Boy: John-Boy is in his early 20’s. He was able to get a full scholarship at UC Berkeley based on an essay that he bought over the Internet. He is a writer, but the only things he has written to date are comic books and Star Wars fan-fiction. He has about 30 tattoos and about 12 piercings at last count; 9 of which cannot be seen when he’s wearing street clothes. Grandma says he’s got a front seat on the Hell Train, Grandpa and Daddy are stunned that the oldest and supposedly best and brightest wears earrings, and Mama is totally pissed because he used her gold ear studs to get his tongue and navel pierced.

Jason Walton: Jason is also in his early 20’s and he has always loved music. He’s played on tour with Def Leppard, Styx, Van Halen, Journey, and Twisted Sister. Unfortunately, being in that fast paced atmosphere, his demons finally caught up with him and he is currently doing a stint in the Walton’s Mountain Rehab Facility.

Mary Ellen Walton: Mary Ellen just turned 21 and has finally gotten her dream job. Now that she’s of legal age, she just got a job at the Walton’s Mountain Hooters. The tips are great and she’s saving her money for fall tuition. She’s just been accepted for the fall semester at Walton’s Mountain School of Cosmetology and she’s looking forward to the day when she can open her own beauty parlor: Mary Ellen’s Cut and Curl. Her dirty secret? Last summer, she and Elizabeth went to Panama City on Spring Break. She got a butterfly tattoo on her left butt-cheek and she’s not sure, but she thinks there is a distinct possibility that she may be on a soon to be released Girls Gone Wild DVD.

Ben Walton: Ben is 20 and is a paralegal. Right now, he’s working as a research consultant for Walton’s Mountain’s Top Personal Injury Attorney, David Manischewitz.

Erin Walton: Erin is 19 and is a militant feminist and social activist. She’s organized protests against the Future Farmers of America because they insist on using industrial fertilizer to grow crops rather than promoting organic farming methods. She’s organized protests against the Miss Walton’s Mountain Beauty Pageant because she said it’s demeaning to women. She led a march to halt the creation of the Walton’s Mountain Sewage Treatment Facility. She was able to prove that Walton’s Mountain Pharmaceuticals created a chemical waste dump near the playground at Walton’s Mountain Elementary School. So far, the children seemed to have suffered no ill side effects, but she has filed a class action lawsuit against the company, anyway. She wears no make up because it’s very difficult to find beauty products that aren’t tested on animals and she doesn’t shave her legs.

Jim-Bob Walton: Jim-Bob is 18 and is studying fashion design at Walton’s Mountain Community College. He is working his way through school by doing some occasional interior decorating, but he also has a night job as a male dancer at Walton’s Mountain’s only gay bar: The Other Side of the Mountain.

Elizabeth Walton: Elizabeth is 17, dresses in black, and says she a practicing pagan. She’s not on speaking terms with Grandma Walton because she found out Grandma requested Elizabeth’s name be placed on the church prayer list for eternity. She and Grandma had some words last month. Grandma wound up telling Elizabeth that she has a reservation on the Hell Train right next to John-Boy unless she changes her ways. As soon as Elizabeth gets her GED, she’s going to work as a makeup artist at the Walton’s Mountain Funeral Home and Crematorium.

Ike Godsey: Ike isn’t in this version. He and Corabeth sold the store to an Indian couple, Raiijan and Shakti Benakannakarvar. Ike and Corabeth have moved to Buloxi, MS so they can go to the casinos every weekend. Raiijan and Shakti are liked, but are somewhat difficult to understand. The store now sells slushies and day old doughnuts that Raiijan gets from his brother, who owns a Dunkin Donuts on Walton’s Mountain Parkway.

Mamie and Emily Baldwin: Mamie and Emily are the two old maid spinster sisters who sell their father’s “recipe” to the residents of Walton’s Mountain. In the original version of The Walton’s, the recipe was actually moonshine. In the updated version, it’s crystal meth.

Okay…that’s my idea. Good night John-Boy!