Modern Day Barbie

My mom is an avid doll collector.

This works out pretty well for me because any time I am stumped as to what to get her for her birthday, Christmas, etc., if I can’t think of anything that she really needs or something different, I can't go wrong with a doll.

As a result, I am on the mailing list of several doll companies. It’s not unusual for me to receive a catalog from Madame Alexander, Marie Osmond, or Barbie every other month or so.

Yesterday, a Barbie catalog was waiting in the mailbox when I got home. Not really interested at the time, I tossed it onto the passenger seat of my car.

I had more important things to worry about….like how much Paulding County decided that the market value of my house was. (Thanks for the laugh guys….I’ll be seeing you next month when I file my appeal. What the heck are you guys smoking, anyways?)

As I pulled into the parking lot this morning, I saw the Barbie catalog out of the corner of my eye. After I parked my car, I decided to take a quick look.

BIG MISTAKE!!!!

The folks at Mattel and the Paulding County Tax Assessors’ Office obviously must be smoking the same stuff, because Mattel has transformed Barbie into a complete and utter ho-bag.

Barbie, for the uninitiated, is quite the career gal. She has been just about everything under the sun.

There was Nurse Barbie (along with Dr. Ken). Then Mattel decided to get their act together and modernize things so they made a Dr. Barbie and Male Nurse Ken. Ain’t that something?

Barbie has been an astronaut, a veterinarian, and a gymnast.

She was also a teacher at one time, until that one ugly incident where a bunch of Teacher Barbies were sold and someone discovered that Teacher Barbie was not wearing any panties underneath her skirt.

She claimed that "she forgot". Then she tried to say that as part of the teacher dress code, Principal Ken forbid her to wear panties, but Ken adamantly denied it.

Mattel quickly recalled all of the unsold Barbies, gave her a stern talking to, and ran a 24/7 operation to paint white granny panties on all of the renegade Barbies.

Now y'all are probably thinking I'm making that all that up, but you just google "teacher barbie no panties" and see what comes up.

SEE???? Told ya!

My mom absolutely HAD to have one of those pantiless Barbies for her collection because she thought it might become a collector's item.

Do you know how creepy it feels to walk in the Barbie section of Walmart, Target, and Toys ‘R Us, picking up Teacher Barbies and looking up her skirt to see if she is wearing panties or not? And trying to look inconspicuous?

Well….that’s why my mom sent ME to look for them, instead.

One would have THOUGHT that little episode would have taught Miss Barbie a lesson. But no……

In this particular catalog, nestled in among Fashionista Barbie, Multi-Cultural Barbie, Flashback to the 60’s Barbie, etc. we now have Harley Barbie.

Now, before we get started, I have nothing against motorcyles….some of my best friends have them. I personally don’t care for them because I just feel safer inside a car.

It’s not so much that Barbie has decided to become a biker chick…Barbie has gone full fledged biker chick!

She is decked out in black leather….again, nothing wrong with that because no one wants Barbie to get a bad road rash if she takes a spill.

But Barbie’s biker jacket had a bunch of slits in it. And because of the way these slits were positioned, you could see that Barbie apparently had stopped at some tattoo parlor and had the Harley Eagle emblem tattooed across her entire back!!!

I’d like to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that Ken probably got her drunk and talked her into it. But, then I remembered that she was running around teaching kids without wearing panties one time, so who knows…..maybe Barbie got another wild hair.

Also, the way that she was positioned on the bike, her black leather pants slid down just a little, and I swear I thought I could see the start of a tramp stamp just above her tailbone.

It’s kind of sad, really.

I think Barbie started to change from sweet, innocent Barbie when she ran off to Malibu and ditched her best friend Midge.

Barbie became part of the women's movement in the seventies, fought for equal rights, and began her search for a meaningful career.

Barbie wanted to be EVERYTHING. So, she became a lawyer, a nurse, a doctor….even president. I think that's when she started to crack.

And now, we're left with a tattooed Barbie, in black leather, on a Harley. The only thing she's missing is a couple of piercings in her lip, nose, or tongue.

She's absolutely ruined her chances of being a swimsuit model because that tattoo is absolutely hideous.

Then....if that's not enough, I turned the page of the catalog and guess what is staring back at me?

Marilyn Monroe Barbie......in a white dress.

I'm sure y'all know that white dress I'm referring to. Remember that scene where Marilyn Monroe is in that little white number and is standing over that subway grate?

I sure hope Marilyn Monroe Barbie remembered to put her panties on this time......I don't think Mattel is going to buy her "I forgot" excuse again.