The Legend of Bumpers

Prologue:

Once upon a time, in the mid to late 80's, there was a bar located in the corner of Akers Mill Shopping Center. It was known as Bumpers. It was your basic, run of the mill bar. At that time, this bar did what ever other bar did to try to attract patrons: they had a ladies night and two for 1 drinks.

This is the story of five co-workers and their adventures at Bumpers.

Story:

At this particular time, I was working for a software company on Fulton Industrial Boulevard. Our office consisted of roughly 30 or so employees. More than half of the staff were between 19 and 30 years old. Most of the employees in this age range were either programmers or customer support specialists.

I was in my mid 20's at the time and single.

Steve was a programmer that sat at the table next to mine. He was a few years older than I, had recently gone through a nasty divorce, and as he put it, "moved from Indiana to Georgia to get away from that *itch." He was a nice enough guy and loved good practical jokes, so he and I got along great.

Andra was another programmer. To be perfectly honest, I think she was in the wrong profession. She would have made a great "bad guy" lady wrestler or one of those mean ladies on the Roller Derby. She was about 6 foot 2, a couple years older than I, she had a perpetual scowl, and had absolutely no sense of humor. Steve said she had a terminal case of PMS. Because of that, she made an ideal practical joke victim. She was single. Steve and I could never figure out why.

Cindi was a computer operator. She was about five feet tall and married. Keith (another programmer) always said that she was about as useful as "t*ts on a bore hog". Keith had a way of cutting through the crap. Cindi was nice and for whatever reason, she and Andra became buddies.

Becky was a customer support rep. Becky was what we called "ditzy" and she lived in her own little world. She was single and lived with her brother at Riverbend apartments. When I say she was single, she was a "swinging single". By that I mean when I left work, I went home. When Becky left work, her day was just beginning. She might go to the gym, and after that go out to eat, and after that go see a movie, and after that, stop by a bar, and after all of that, THEN go home. Then get up a few hours later and do a repeat.

Becky's brother Dan was something else. He was good looking, but in an odd sort of way. He had brown hair that was afro-ed up (that was the style then) and he had sort of a funny looking nose. It kind of gave his face "character".

Unlike Becky, Dan did not have a steady job; he worked at whatever he could get and even then it was only when he got tired of Becky nagging him that she was having to pay all the bills. In the time that I knew him, he had worked hanging drywall, painting, mowing lawns, and managed a stripper.

He would work for a few weeks at a given job and "something" would happen (although it was NEVER Dan's fault) and he would quit (or get fired) and he would take some time off to "clear his head". "Time off" would be several months; Becky would begin telling him to get a job, and he would begin a new career. Eventually, he began a career at Bumpers and that was how we all became acquainted with this place.

Becky made it a point to tell everyone that Dan was working at Bumpers and we should all stop in sometime. I think part of the reason was since Dan was tending bar, we'd be tipping, and hopefully she could recover whatever money he owed her faster.

Bumpers eventually decided to do something to draw a crowd. They began having a "Ladies Night 2-Fer" on Thursdays.....along with Chippendale's type dancers. These dancers weren't real live Chippendale's guys.....these were the male employees of Bumpers that were good looking enough to pass for Chippendale's guys with dancing abilities.

Andra had somewhat of a crush on Dan, so she conned Cindi into going over to Bumpers one night. Steve and I heard all about it (more than we wanted to) the next day.

Shortly thereafter, Andra and Cindi became regular Thursday night patrons of Bumpers. They made it a point to let us all know that they were on a first name basis with ALL of the dancers, they had their own reserved table, the waiters knew what they drank and they kept their drinks coming. They also had to let us know how much they had to drink, how drunk they got, and how bad of a hangover they had on Friday. Not that either of us cared, but for some reason, they felt the need to tell us.

Keep in mind, Andra was already a *itch.....a drunk or hungover Andra was a *itch on steroids.

One Thursday, on the spur of the moment, Steve and I decided to play spy. We decided to go to Bumpers just to see these two in action. We left work early, got a bite to eat, then went over to Bumpers so that we could get a table where we would not be seen, but we could see all the action.

When we went in, we saw a table marked as "Reserved", so we got a booth across the room so we could see the action.

In a little while, Andra and Cindi walked in carrying two large bags. They sat at the reserved table and began unloading their stash. They apparently had stopped at a store and had bought bags of candy. Lots of candy.

Steve and I just looked at each other, then looked at them. Then we heard Andra yell out "Hey Kelly....I bought your favorites!" A muscular, blond guy in a tight tshirt and tight black pants walked over and looked at the candy. He spoke with Andra and Cindi, selected several pieces of candy, then said he had to get ready and left.

Andra then called out "Yoo-hoo! Dan! I bought you some Almond Joys."

Steve looked at me; I looked at Steve and said "My God. They brought bait."

Steve laughed and said "You know what? That really is a little sick when you think about it. Come here little boy.....I have candy."

We sat there and watched as dancers came out of the woodwork. As soon as one appeared, Andra would call him just like a hunter calling a turkey and give him some candy. Eventually, word got out to everyone that Andra and Cindi had candy.

Andra and Cindi reminded me of hunters that leave the feeders out for deer. The deer come up to the feeders and eat corn all summer long. A few days before hunting season, the hunters take the feeders away. The deer shows up looking for the corn. Then on Saturday morning, first day of hunting season....KABLOOEE!!

The deer "gets it", the meat winds up in the freezer and the head winds up above the hunter's fireplace.

Andra and Cindi were baiting a field; Steve and I felt sorry for these unsuspecting deer....I mean dancers.

Around 9 or so, they announced that the "show" was about to start.

Andra and Cindi opened their purses in unison and they each drew out a stack of bills. There had to be at least 100 bills between the two of them on that table.

The lights went down, techno-disco music began playing, and strobe lights began flashing.

The announcer yelled "Ladies.....Get Down with Jack Hammer" as this guy appeared out of nowhere, bumping and grinding all over the place. He'd see a woman, gyrate in front of her until she stuffed a buck in his shorts, then he'd go over to another woman.

I told Steve that if he came over to our booth, that I wanted Steve to jump up and stuff a buck in his shorts because I thought it would be funny. Steve didn't.

JAck worked his way over to Andra and Cindi's table, did his little gyration in front of each of them, and they each stuffed a buck in his shorts. As he danced away, Andra yelled "Wait!!"

He danced and gyrated back to her table. Steve said "Don't tell me she's calling him back so she can dig for change." (That caused me to choke on my Coke!)

Instead...she apparently had requested a longer "viewing" and for every minute he danced in front of them, he got a buck....and in return, they each got a kiss.....and not on the cheek!

Steve yelled out "NOOO!!!! DON'T DO IT!!!", but no one heard because the music was so loud.

Now, think about this for a minute. You've got a guy that is dancing and gyrating around in a bar filled with about 60 women.....and about 75% or more of them are going to be stuffing dollars in his shorts and giving EACH ONE these women kisses....and not on the cheek! Now multiply that by about five or six dancers and what do you get? A plethera of undiscovered germs and diseases just waiting to be placed into a petri dish and whisked off to the CDC to become a new and exciting STD.

Eventually, the dancer danced himself out.

Then the announcer yelled out "Give it up for Rod Steel!" Becky's brother jumped across the bar, ripped off his tshirt, ripped up his pants to reveal black bikini underwear, and began to dance and gyrate just like his pal "Jack Hammer" had done earlier. Steve and I watched in amazement as Andra and Cindi began stuffing bills in Dan...er I mean Rod's shorts. This routine went on and on.

We watched "Anaconda", "The Hose", and "Buck Bone" perform the same routine. When the announcer called out for "Vick the Stick", Steve and I decided it was time to leave.

Epilogue:

That was our first and last visit to Bumpers. Shortly thereafter, Cindi got a divorce, Andra got fired, Dan aka "Rod Steel" quit (or got fired depending on who was telling the story) and began a new career managing his stripper/girlfriend, and Bumpers was sold and became something else.

Another software company bought the company that Steve, Becky, and I worked for and we began working for them.

As for "Jack Hammer", "Anaconda", "The Hose", "Buck Bone", and "Vick the Stick", who knows? It's been 20 years, so maybe they are all now Wall Street financiers, stockbrokers, doctors, or lawyers.

Can you imagine? "Paging Dr. Bone. Dr. Buck Bone(snicker, snicker)....you're wanted in surgery STAT."

Naaaa........