True Confession

I did not attend a "real" concert until I was in my early twenties. (By "real", I mean a performance by any well-known artist. The South Cobb High School Cantaliers gave concerts, but they since they weren't known outside of Mableton and Austell, they can't be classified as "real" concerts.)

Nowadays, most kids have gone to a concert by the time they are ten....some even earlier than that. I've seen video on the news of kids as young as six years old being interviewed by reporters as they waited in line to see Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, Britney Spears before she went crazy, The Backstreet Boys, etc.

I was probably 21 or 22, when I saw my first concert.

Here's the story:

When I was in my early twenties, I became close friends with the mother of Greg and Melissa, a brother and sister in our neighborhood that I used to pal around with. Greg and Melissa were a couple of years younger than me and at that age, hanging out with their mom was just not cool.

But I found her to be VERY cool! From Judy, I learned that "To Kill A Mockingbird" was NOT the only good movie made in black and white. She was the one that pointed out that Alfred Hitchcock usually made cameo appearances in his movies and we had fun anytime a "Hitch flick" came on TV trying to be the first one to see him. She loved Elvis Presley like nobody's business and I actually learned to appreciate his music.

She taught me how to cross-stitch. We attended as many arts and crafts festivals each fall and spring that we could. We went to Powers Crossroads, Prater's Mill, Hunt's Meadow, The Sorghum Festival, etc. We scoured The Lakewood Flea Market, The Hwy 41 Flea Market, and estate sales in Buckhead. We had fun.

One day, Judy called me up all excited. Her best friend Melba had heard that one of their favorite singers was coming to town. Melba was going to buy tickets for the show the next day. Melba and her daughter Dale were going, Judy and Melissa were going, and Judy was calling to see if I wanted to go.

Everything was pretty much set. Melba was picking up the tickets; all she needed to know was whether to buy four tickets or five. I hesitated.....then Judy said "PLEASE say you'll go.....this is going to be so much fun, you'll have a great time and you'll never forget it.....I promise."

Judy had never been wrong before, so I said told her to go ahead and get my ticket and I'd pay her back.

So...the day soon came and off we went to the concert. Up until now, I have not mentioned WHO the act was. (No...it wasn't "The Who".) Keep in mind this was the early 80's. If you think it was someone like Elton John, Billy Joel, or The Eagles, well.....you would be wrong.

It was (drum roll, please....) Engelbert Humperdinck!!!! (Yeah.....go ahead and laugh.....I'll wait.)

OK....so we get to the Fox Theatre. We find our seats. We sit down. Melissa wasn't feeling well, so she went to sleep as soon as she sat down. Then Melba decides it's time to go get a drink. So she and Judy hop up to go get rum and cokes. Melba's daughter Dale sighed....leaned over and asked me if I felt like the mom chaperoning a couple of children because SHE sure did.

She said "Just look at the two of them....they act like they are 15 years old. And both of them all the way down here wondering if he was going to be wearing tight pants. Get this....would you believe my mom actually brought my dad's hunting binoculars? If he knew, he'd have an absolute cow! But she said she wanted to make sure she got to see every drop of sweat and....well....I'll just stop there. This is going to be a long night!"

Melba and Judy came back and settled down. Then Judy saw someone with a program. She stood up and hollered "Hey....where'd you get that?" The woman hollered back that they were selling them in one of the ballrooms, but she'd better hurry because they were going fast.

Judy and Melba looked at each other and said "Let's go!" So....off they ran to go buy their programs. Then they came right back because they realized they had forgotten their drinks. They grabbed them, then ran back in search of a program. Melissa was sound asleep, so Dale and I just sat and watched people.

Judy and Melba came back. Along the way, they had gotten a refill. And they just had one program. I asked why they each didn't get one. Judy said that it was because of the program was $15. As much as she luuuvvveedd Engelbert, she just couldn't shell out $15 for a program and Melba felt the same way. So they decided to split the cost. They were going to go through the program and decide who was going to get what page.

They began looking through the program, but because the lights had been turned down it was hard to see. Melba opened up her purse and whipped out the binoculars and a flashlight.

So...there they sat. Two 45 year old women, rum and cokes in hand, one holding the program, while the other held a flashlight. Dale and I just sat and talked.

All of a sudden, Judy and Melba screamed. Dale and I jumped. Melissa snored.

Judy hollered "That one's mine!" Melba hollered back "Like hell you say!! I saw it first!!!"

Dale and I leaned over to see what they were fighting over. They were looking at a full page picture in the program. It was a picture of Engelbert....in a skin tight white jumpsuit like Elvis used to wear. His right hand held a microphone, his left arm was stretched way out to the side, his chest was stuck way out, his legs were about five feet apart, and he was looking straight up with his eyes closed.

Melba told Judy to move the program closer to the flashlight. Melba took the flashlight and started shining the light at the bottom of the page. She slowly moved the light up the page and stopped somewhere in the middle of the page. I'll leave it to the imagination as to where that flashlight had stopped.

Dale saw what they were looking at and screamed "MOTHER!!!!!!"

The women in the row in front of us looked and stared. The women behind us said "Oh! Look! What page is that on? Hey....can I borrow your flashlight?"

Melba pretended like she didn't hear. She and Judy were too busy discussing that "fine specimen of man" (their exact words) that was pictured before them.

Dale slouched down in her seat and asked Melba if she could just die now.

About that time, the lights went dark and the concert began. At some point, a few women in the front row stood up and began throwing things on the stage. Melba got out the binoculars and she confirmed what we figured....the things being thrown were panties.

Melba and Judy began hollering for the women in front to sit down because Englebert didn't want their d@mn, old, ugly panties (again, their exact words).

At that point, I sort of stopped watching the concert because the actual entertainment was sitting in the two seats beside me. And in the rows in front of me. And in the rows behind me.

It was a sellout crowd of middle aged women (and a few men, too, which I didn't think anything about then, but now it's a little disturbing) throwing panties, screaming at women throwing panties, crying because they didn't have any panties to throw, griping because the concession stand sold everything EXCEPT panties, and begging other women for extra panties so they could throw some, too.

Up until that time, that scene was stuff I had only read about. I never believed that stuff like that actually happened. I've never experienced anything quite like that.

Judy was right. It was fun, I had a great time, and I've never forgotten it.

Melissa and Dale, on the other hand, immediately reported their mothers to DFACS and both were promptly placed in foster care. (Not really....but I have a feeling that the thought did cross their minds.)