Dear Mr. Fisher:
I don't expect you to read this, nor do I expect you to care about the opinion of one listener, but I'm writing this anyway.
Let me explain to you where I'm coming from.
I've always considered The Grand Ole Opry to be like a restricted country club. People are admitted by invitation only. You don't let everyone in because then it loses the very thing that makes it special. However, just because you aren't a member of the Grand Ole Opry, it doesn't mean you can't PLAY on The Grand Ole Opry.
Think along the lines of Augusta National Golf Club. They keep the membership down to around 300 or so people. Although there are currently no women members, women ARE allowed to play golf at Augusta National as the guest of a member.
Now....think about this for a minute. Suppose the powers that be of Augusta National got a wild hair one day and decided to open their doors to anyone and everyone that wanted to be a member.
Everyone runs around saying "Guess what? I'm a member of Augusta National." The typical response would be "Big deal....so am I. I bought the whole family a membership through Costco."
Even Raynell Jones, whose claim to fame was that she was featured on Cops in 2005 because she kicked her now ex-husband out of their trailer and spent a night in jail because she hit him up side the head with her best cast iron frying pan is now able to be a member of Augusta National.
See how quickly it loses its appeal?
You're probably saying to yourself "So what does this have to do with me?"
Well.....I'm about to tell you. I kept quiet when you extended a membership invitation to Dierks Bentley. I didn't say a word when you did the same with Craig Morgan, Josh Turner and Carrie Underwood.
When you FINALLY extended membership invitations to Ralph Stanley, Del McCoury, and Mel Tillis, my first thought was it's about d@mn time...what took so long?
But with the event that took place just this past week, I feel I really have to say something.
Montgomery Gentry? You have GOT to be kidding!
First off, I have a real problem with anyone that kills a penned up bear and calls it "hunting"....but that's another gripe for another time.
This really isn't about Montgomery Gentry, it's a complaint about Opry membership criteria, in general.
I fully expect that in the next couple of weeks, I'll sign on to opry.com and find out that Taylor Swift and Kellie Pickler are going to be the newest members of The Opry.
Why not instead of giving the winner of Nashville Star a recording contract, just give them a membership to The Opry, instead?
Don't get me wrong.
I'll admit that I have a couple of songs from some of these folks mentioned above on my ipod and I don't mind it when they perform on The Opry. But being a member is another matter, entirely.
I personally believe that a lot of today's country singers look at The Opry as just one more thing to stick on their resume.
Once they've been inducted, then it's "Buh-BYE Opry....gotta go sell out a few stadiums and push my latest project."
Case in point....how many times has Garth Brooks or Reba McEntire performed on The Opry in the last five years? Garth can't seem to make up his mind if he is retired or not and Reba is too wrapped up in her acting career and clothing line.
That said....I will admit that Carrie Underwood has surprised me in that over the last year since her induction she has made it a point to appear for a couple of nights every couple of months.
All I'm saying is that it seems like some of your choices lately have been "fast tracked." They've had a few hit records, appeared on The Opry a few times, maybe hinted around that they'd like to become members....then maybe after 3 or 4 top ten records you invite them in.
They show up for their induction and then it might be a year or so later before they darken the doors of The Opry Hall or The Ryman....and even then it's only if they are guaranteed to be on the televised portion so they can plug their latest CD.
Way back in the day, members were REQUIRED to guarantee a MINIMUM of 26 appearances A YEAR to maintain their membership.
I guarantee you that if that requirement were reinstated, you'd find out real quick who really cared about being a member and who wanted to be a member just to have bragging rights.
I read a rather ugly story the other day that I sincerely hope is not true.
I read that Stonewall Jackson was told by you that you (and I'm quoting here) "didn't want any gray hairs on that stage or in the audience, and before I'm done there won't be any." You are also alleged to have told Jackson that he was "too old and too country."
I hate to be the one to break it to you Mr. Fisher, but if that story does happen to be true those gray hairs you speak of buy CDs, too and The Opry is the EPITOME of country music, ergo, there is NO SUCH THING as being TOO country.
Of course, that might explain why members like Little Jimmy Dickens and Jim Ed Brown are usually relegated to the first half hour of The Opry show because management probably figures that once their portion of the show is over with, their fans are headed to bed.
I guess all I'm saying is that before an invitation is extended, certain criteria should be met:
1. The prospective member should be expected to perform at The Opry on a REGULAR basis, say for example a minimum of 15 - 20 appearances per year. (The only exemptions will be due to health reasons or age limitations.)
2. The prospective member should consider country music their PRIMARY career...not a stepping stone to a crossover career in pop music or a way to get into acting or modeling.
3. The prospective member should have at least five CDs in their discography that cracked the top 10, a career in country music of at least five years, -AND- willing to appear on The Opry a minimum of 50 - 75 times BEFORE an invitation is even considered.
4. The prospective member agrees and understands that after an invitation is extended and accepted if criteria 1 or 2 above is breached, membership will be revoked and will not be reinstated. (D@mn straight I'm serious!!)
So....before you extend a membership invitation to the likes of Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, Kenny Chesney, Gretchen Wilson, Big and Rich, etc.. , keep these 4 criteria in mind.
I don't expect any of this to be followed, but one can always hope.
And if you EVER offer Jessica Simpson a membership in The Opry, then I will just consider you to be the Barack Obama of The Grand Ole Opry. If you don't understand what that means, then think about the phrase "going to hell in a handbasket" and go from there.
Sincerely,
An "old school" Opry fan and future gray hair
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Jive Talkin'.....Part Two!
OK....none of this is going to make any sense unless you've read my previous posting. Be forewarned, though....it is EXTREMELY politically incorrect. So, if you are easily offended, don't bother reading it. With that said, save yourself some time and don't bother reading this post, either.
Click HERE to read previous post.
Now.....after writing that piece, I realized exactly how politically incorrect it was. But then, after waking up and hearing the events of today with North Korea, I couldn't help myself and decided to create a part two. So....if you're going to be offended by this, blame it on Kim Jong Il.
Jive Talkin'.....Part Two.
So...dis mornin' W hawk up DC on da fly and he say "'Sup DC? You heard?"
DC, he say "Straight up, W.....Straight up. Do you BAH-LIEVE dat sheot?"
W, he say "Whud O-Man gon do now wonder? I glad I outta dat mess."
DC, he say "True dat! Word....(snicker) know whad I done did?"
W, he say "No man....whad you done did?"
DC, he say "I done called up O-Man and messed wid 'em."
W, he say "Oh no you dit unt."
DC, he say "Oh yeah I dit."
W, he say "DC....you so bad....(snicker)....whacu you did?"
DC, he say "Well, I up late las night playin' Grand Theft Auto on da Wii....W, you needs to get one o dem Wiis. Days shizzle....fo real shizzle....anyways, da cable gets broke into and I taught....oh no....whad hatnen now....and they say on da news da Nawt Ko-rea done tested a bomb....for real. So looked at my watch...it's about 3am, so I says to my self, I gone call O-Man and give him his 3am wake up call."
W, he say "Oh no you dit unt."
DC, he say "Oh yeah I dit. Listen up. I call up ole cracker house and spoke to dah night operator, Shanay. I say hey lil mama, how you doin' wit yo fine self? She say "who dis?" I say Shanay, I only be gone a few months an you forgot me already. It's DC. She say "DC....did you fo get to change yo speed dial? W don stays here no mo. Dis be O-Man's crib now." I say I know dat lil mama...dat's who I call to talk to. Get 'em." Shanay....she almost pop dat weave! She say "DC....it's 3am. O-Man in bed....you call back tomorrow. He usually be up by 2pm....don call fo dat doe 'cause he still be sleepin'. I say "Shanay....I needs to talk to da man...seriously. It's a matter of national securi-tie." She say "Are you fo real....if I go wake him up, he gon be mad." I say "Shanay, just go get him.....I'll take responsibility for it." Shanay, she say, "Yeah...dat's what Shorell's daddy say when I tole him he gon be a daddy. He say he gon get a paper and get a job and dat was leven months ago and I ain't seen em since....but I'll go get O-Man."
W...he jes a chucklin'. "DC....you IS a mess! So den whud happen?"
DC, he say, "Well, O-Man gets to da phone. He say "Who dis?" I say "It DC. So....houz dat dialogue goin' wid Nawt Ko-rea?"
O-Man, he say, "DC....do you know what time it be? Jes let it go man...."
I say, "Let it go? Let it go? Ole KJ dun dropped a A bomb and you say let it go? Well, you is a lil beotch. Ole Rush, and Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly gon have a field day when I tell 'em wha you jes say."
O-Man, he say "DC...whatchu talkin' bout."
I say, "Man....you need to turn on dah news. Ole KJ dun trip out an drop a A bomb."
O-Man, he say "You lyin'."
I say, "Na un. I truthin'. For real. Seriously....KJ drop a A bomb."
W, he say..."What he say den? After you tell him dat?"
DC, he say....."Well, he got real quiet. Den he say "Oh sh*t." So I say, "So whachu gon do 'bout it."
O-Man, he say..."Whachu thank I gon do? I gon call Hillary."
I say "What?? Why you gon call Hillary?"
O-Man say"All I hear about da las six months of 2008 is whad gon happen when dat 3am phone call come in. Hillary kept sayin' she all dat and she be on da job 24-7 and she all dis and dat and everthang. Well, I gettin' ready to call Miss Thang and tell her to get her a$$ up and get on it."
W...he jes roared back a laughin'. He say, "I wisht I coulda ben a fly on dah wall. Scratch dat. She prolly throw a shoe through dah wall when she got dat call."
DC, he say "Well, she d@mn near did. When O-Man say dat's what he gon do, I start laughin' cuz I thought he was puttin' da fool on me, ya know? But den, when I sees he serious, I start snickerin' and say "Can I listen when you tell her?"
O-Man, he say, "Naw....den he start laughin' too. He say, well....ok....but you can't say nuttin'. I tell him I be quiet as a church mouse." So he calls her up. She answers da phone an not only she be haf asleep, she be mad.
She say "Who dis?" O-Man say, it's yo boss dat's who. You sleep? She say, "What da hell you thank I be doin' at dis hour? Cleanin' a closet?" O-Man, he say "Well, it's 3am." She say "I knowd what time it be. Whachu want fool?" O-Man, he say, "Well, Nawt Ko-rea done launched off a bomb. You better go hannel it." She say "What da..." O-Man, he say "Bye-bye (click) beotch!"
DC...he say "W.....I mean tah tell yah me an O-Man, we jes laughed for da next twenty minutes. An would you bah-lieve dat b*tch kept on callin O-Man back! He play it cool, though. He'd let it ring a couple times, he pick up and skys his voice and say "You must have the wrong number" and hang up on her. She musta called 20 times.....and we jes a laughin'. Finally, Miss O-Man, she come out and tell us ta knock it off cauz she fraid we gon wake dah girls up. Bout dat time, da phone rang again. Miss O-Man (now she don't know none of dis is going on....all she know is da phone is rangin, O-Man sittin' dere laughin his a$$ off, and she is MAD.) She pick up dat phone and she say I don know who dis is and I don care, but dis game is OVAH....rat NOW! She slam da phone down, she take it off dah hook and she tell O-Man ta get his a$$ in bed doubletime so she can get some sleep....an dat was dat."
W....(chucklin')...he say, "So what now, DC?"
DC...he say, "Well....I call you first to tell you about it cuz you is my numma 1 homie. But, now I gotta call Rush and da rest ta tell dem."
W...he say "Well peace out DC".
DC...he say "Word."
Click HERE to read previous post.
Now.....after writing that piece, I realized exactly how politically incorrect it was. But then, after waking up and hearing the events of today with North Korea, I couldn't help myself and decided to create a part two. So....if you're going to be offended by this, blame it on Kim Jong Il.
Jive Talkin'.....Part Two.
So...dis mornin' W hawk up DC on da fly and he say "'Sup DC? You heard?"
DC, he say "Straight up, W.....Straight up. Do you BAH-LIEVE dat sheot?"
W, he say "Whud O-Man gon do now wonder? I glad I outta dat mess."
DC, he say "True dat! Word....(snicker) know whad I done did?"
W, he say "No man....whad you done did?"
DC, he say "I done called up O-Man and messed wid 'em."
W, he say "Oh no you dit unt."
DC, he say "Oh yeah I dit."
W, he say "DC....you so bad....(snicker)....whacu you did?"
DC, he say "Well, I up late las night playin' Grand Theft Auto on da Wii....W, you needs to get one o dem Wiis. Days shizzle....fo real shizzle....anyways, da cable gets broke into and I taught....oh no....whad hatnen now....and they say on da news da Nawt Ko-rea done tested a bomb....for real. So looked at my watch...it's about 3am, so I says to my self, I gone call O-Man and give him his 3am wake up call."
W, he say "Oh no you dit unt."
DC, he say "Oh yeah I dit. Listen up. I call up ole cracker house and spoke to dah night operator, Shanay. I say hey lil mama, how you doin' wit yo fine self? She say "who dis?" I say Shanay, I only be gone a few months an you forgot me already. It's DC. She say "DC....did you fo get to change yo speed dial? W don stays here no mo. Dis be O-Man's crib now." I say I know dat lil mama...dat's who I call to talk to. Get 'em." Shanay....she almost pop dat weave! She say "DC....it's 3am. O-Man in bed....you call back tomorrow. He usually be up by 2pm....don call fo dat doe 'cause he still be sleepin'. I say "Shanay....I needs to talk to da man...seriously. It's a matter of national securi-tie." She say "Are you fo real....if I go wake him up, he gon be mad." I say "Shanay, just go get him.....I'll take responsibility for it." Shanay, she say, "Yeah...dat's what Shorell's daddy say when I tole him he gon be a daddy. He say he gon get a paper and get a job and dat was leven months ago and I ain't seen em since....but I'll go get O-Man."
W...he jes a chucklin'. "DC....you IS a mess! So den whud happen?"
DC, he say, "Well, O-Man gets to da phone. He say "Who dis?" I say "It DC. So....houz dat dialogue goin' wid Nawt Ko-rea?"
O-Man, he say, "DC....do you know what time it be? Jes let it go man...."
I say, "Let it go? Let it go? Ole KJ dun dropped a A bomb and you say let it go? Well, you is a lil beotch. Ole Rush, and Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly gon have a field day when I tell 'em wha you jes say."
O-Man, he say "DC...whatchu talkin' bout."
I say, "Man....you need to turn on dah news. Ole KJ dun trip out an drop a A bomb."
O-Man, he say "You lyin'."
I say, "Na un. I truthin'. For real. Seriously....KJ drop a A bomb."
W, he say..."What he say den? After you tell him dat?"
DC, he say....."Well, he got real quiet. Den he say "Oh sh*t." So I say, "So whachu gon do 'bout it."
O-Man, he say..."Whachu thank I gon do? I gon call Hillary."
I say "What?? Why you gon call Hillary?"
O-Man say"All I hear about da las six months of 2008 is whad gon happen when dat 3am phone call come in. Hillary kept sayin' she all dat and she be on da job 24-7 and she all dis and dat and everthang. Well, I gettin' ready to call Miss Thang and tell her to get her a$$ up and get on it."
W...he jes roared back a laughin'. He say, "I wisht I coulda ben a fly on dah wall. Scratch dat. She prolly throw a shoe through dah wall when she got dat call."
DC, he say "Well, she d@mn near did. When O-Man say dat's what he gon do, I start laughin' cuz I thought he was puttin' da fool on me, ya know? But den, when I sees he serious, I start snickerin' and say "Can I listen when you tell her?"
O-Man, he say, "Naw....den he start laughin' too. He say, well....ok....but you can't say nuttin'. I tell him I be quiet as a church mouse." So he calls her up. She answers da phone an not only she be haf asleep, she be mad.
She say "Who dis?" O-Man say, it's yo boss dat's who. You sleep? She say, "What da hell you thank I be doin' at dis hour? Cleanin' a closet?" O-Man, he say "Well, it's 3am." She say "I knowd what time it be. Whachu want fool?" O-Man, he say, "Well, Nawt Ko-rea done launched off a bomb. You better go hannel it." She say "What da..." O-Man, he say "Bye-bye (click) beotch!"
DC...he say "W.....I mean tah tell yah me an O-Man, we jes laughed for da next twenty minutes. An would you bah-lieve dat b*tch kept on callin O-Man back! He play it cool, though. He'd let it ring a couple times, he pick up and skys his voice and say "You must have the wrong number" and hang up on her. She musta called 20 times.....and we jes a laughin'. Finally, Miss O-Man, she come out and tell us ta knock it off cauz she fraid we gon wake dah girls up. Bout dat time, da phone rang again. Miss O-Man (now she don't know none of dis is going on....all she know is da phone is rangin, O-Man sittin' dere laughin his a$$ off, and she is MAD.) She pick up dat phone and she say I don know who dis is and I don care, but dis game is OVAH....rat NOW! She slam da phone down, she take it off dah hook and she tell O-Man ta get his a$$ in bed doubletime so she can get some sleep....an dat was dat."
W....(chucklin')...he say, "So what now, DC?"
DC...he say, "Well....I call you first to tell you about it cuz you is my numma 1 homie. But, now I gotta call Rush and da rest ta tell dem."
W...he say "Well peace out DC".
DC...he say "Word."
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Excuse me......I speak jive
I haven't written in a while so I thought I'd update everyone on what has been going on with me.
Times are getting tough and scarier, so I thought it might be a good idea to learn some new things that I could either use in my current job, or use in a different job should the need ever arise.
Now, the one thing that I have always heard is that it is considered to be a plus if you are able to speak more than one language. I can attest to this. Every once in a while, I hear a page over our office intercom requesting anyone that speaks French or Spanish to call the operator to help with an international call.
I know a little bit of Spanish and a little bit of German, but I don't have that much opportunity to use either. But there is one language that I hear used quite extensively through the United States, so I've decided to learn it. The course is free (which is great) and there is no book.
It takes me a while to put together a coherent sentence, but I'm hoping with practice that I can speak it fluently with no accent. My first homework assignment was to write about whatever I wanted. This was what I turned in.....let me know what you think!
'Sup hos and bros? How my homies?
Yo! SF be in dah houze....chillin'. Yea, I be chillin' in my crib wit my home dawgs, Da Walkman and Little A.
Da Walkman....he so stoopid! Check it out....bro be trippin' all over da place. He see a bro on TV, he trip out. He see tree rat run up a tree, he trip out. He see dat Shamu guy pushin' dat Smak Slop doo-dad on TV, he trip out.
I bout ready to smak a doo rag on his head and tell him he need to hook up wid a gang if he thank he so bad. Fo shizzle. He thank he one bada$$ pit bull, but the minute he hear thunder, he act like a lil 'beotch.
Little A....she just a lazy beeotch. All she do is lay 'round actin' all Oprah.....feed me, pet me, wait on my a$$. Only time she be trippin' be if you eatin' and you ain't sharin'. Then she go all Whitney on yo a$$.
Dat dawg be WHAK! (True dat.)
Word up!
So...whatchall thank 'bout dis sh*t wid O-man and my man, da big DC?
O-man, he be dissin' all ovah my man W.
DC....he one mean dude. You don cross DC....know what I'm sayin'?
DC, he just haul up and just b*tch slap O-man! Made O-man look like a d@mn fool. O-man say W and DC, dey too mean to dem gitmo mo fos. Dis mess be all DARE fault. He say "I jus keepin it real....keepin it real."
I'm like....Say WHAT????
DC....he like WTF? You must be trippin'. Seriously. O-man, you a d@mn fool. You think you can just go all Oprah and Dr. Phil on dem Gitmo mo fos....son.......dey crazy! In the words of mah man dah late, great Fred Sanford....YOU BIG DUMMY! You wan close Gitmo. Fine. Do dat. Where you gone send those mo fos? Here? Dude, you crazy! You do dat, den you tell ole Tupak DC say hey when you see him, cause you prolly gone meet him if you bring 'em here. Know what I'm sayin'?...and dat's a fact!
And O-man....he like, y'all jus need to chill out. Check it out....we gone lock des suckas up in Supermax. No one 'scapes from Supermax, ya know what I'm sayin'? For real.
And DC...he like, Dude....you IS crazy. Listen homeboy....Bros don't WANT dem suckas here. Understand? Bros will kick yo a$$ if you bring dem dudes here....dem suckas is WHAK to da MAX! Understand? You thank you got a mess with ole Joe Biden? H*ll, Joe Biden prolly go visit dem suckas in da Supermax and give 'em the key to get out. Den what happens? Whatchu gone do den? Say, well dat's jus Joe actin' da fool. Das jus Joe bein' Joe. I got news for you. Joe be a dumba$$. And you be a d@mn fool if you bring dem suckas here. Now who's keepin' it real? You just do what you want....I'm just sayin'.
O-man...he jes pop a tude, and he say looka heah....what we need to do is start a dialogue with all these peeps that don' like us. See.....what we do is have 'em over to mah crib....or there crib....whatever they want. I bring along a couple cases of Colt and some Schlitz, some weed, and a couple buckets of Popeye's chicken and we have us a dialogue. I say...'sup? And we go from dare.
DC....(ya gotta love ole' DC) ....DC, he jes shake his head at O-man. He say O-man....get real! You want dialogue? I got yo dialogue. I got yo dialogue rightchere. How's dis for dialogue? Iran, you listenin'? FU! Korea? You listenin? FU2!! What about Syria? Is Syria in da houz? Hey Syria? Here's yo dialogue! Syria, yo mama so ugly she make a onion cry! How you like dat dialogue? How 'bout dis one? Iran, yo mama's like a liberry...she open to da public! Korea....I can't leave out Korea....Korea, yo mama so ugly when she was born yo granmama said "What a treasure"....and yo grandaddy he say "True dat.....let's go bury it." Houz dat fo dialogue? Who's yo daddy!!!!
O-man.....he be trippin' all over hisself, but he act so cool. He say DC tryin' to lay some smackdown on Iran an Syria an Korea, but all he do is jes make 'em more mad. You know he jus wanna tell his posse to busta cap in DC's a$$, but DC, he has his own posse and they can poppa cap, too.
Plus...O-man's posse is raggin' big time 'bout ole' Nancy Pelosi calling them G-Men suckas a bunch a liars. G-Menfolk is like da Bloods...you lay down some smak talk 'bout one G-Man, you talkin' smak 'bout ALL G-Men. O-Man's done tole da b*tch to shut da hell up, but she jes keep runnin' off at da mouth. Joe and Nancy be punkin' O-Man all da time....like he don have enough to worry about he gotta worry bout both them whoobangin' an talkin' smak.
DC...he all over hisself. You know he hittin' up W every night and both them jes a-laughin, sayin' dah you believe dis sh*t? Dah you BAH-LIEVE dis SH*T???? Day so crazy. Day thank day is all dat, but day all so stoopid. Sh****t. Day both prolly burn up all day anytime minutes jes laughin' the fool.
W...he prolly say, "DC you da man. Straight up dude, you oughta make a go for it in 2012."
DC...he prolly say, "W....man what in da h*ll you smokin'? You CRAZY? Naw, I ain't runnin' fo nuttin'. But I jes like puttin' O-Man on the blast....ya know? He dissin' you, he dissin' me, he dissin' K-Rover....hell he'd dis his own mama if he thought it buy him one mo vote. Ya know whad I'm sayin'? He stand up dare like he all dat, and all the peoples jes ben over backards to kiss his backside. I ain't takin' dat sh*t dude....he gone dis me, I'm gonna call da brudah out. Ya know what I'm sayin?
W...he say True dat, homeboy, true dat. D....I love ya, man.
DC..he say...knock it off W. Don go all queen on me.
W...he say I ain't going all queen on nobody. You just my homeboy number 1....and dat's a fact.
DC...he say W....you my homeboy numba 1, too.
DC be quintensensual cool. He's dah real deal.
And W.....he off da heezy fo sheezy. Now you wanna talk bout keepin' it real...W be keepin' it real. Word.
Well....peace out, peeps.
Times are getting tough and scarier, so I thought it might be a good idea to learn some new things that I could either use in my current job, or use in a different job should the need ever arise.
Now, the one thing that I have always heard is that it is considered to be a plus if you are able to speak more than one language. I can attest to this. Every once in a while, I hear a page over our office intercom requesting anyone that speaks French or Spanish to call the operator to help with an international call.
I know a little bit of Spanish and a little bit of German, but I don't have that much opportunity to use either. But there is one language that I hear used quite extensively through the United States, so I've decided to learn it. The course is free (which is great) and there is no book.
It takes me a while to put together a coherent sentence, but I'm hoping with practice that I can speak it fluently with no accent. My first homework assignment was to write about whatever I wanted. This was what I turned in.....let me know what you think!
'Sup hos and bros? How my homies?
Yo! SF be in dah houze....chillin'. Yea, I be chillin' in my crib wit my home dawgs, Da Walkman and Little A.
Da Walkman....he so stoopid! Check it out....bro be trippin' all over da place. He see a bro on TV, he trip out. He see tree rat run up a tree, he trip out. He see dat Shamu guy pushin' dat Smak Slop doo-dad on TV, he trip out.
I bout ready to smak a doo rag on his head and tell him he need to hook up wid a gang if he thank he so bad. Fo shizzle. He thank he one bada$$ pit bull, but the minute he hear thunder, he act like a lil 'beotch.
Little A....she just a lazy beeotch. All she do is lay 'round actin' all Oprah.....feed me, pet me, wait on my a$$. Only time she be trippin' be if you eatin' and you ain't sharin'. Then she go all Whitney on yo a$$.
Dat dawg be WHAK! (True dat.)
Word up!
So...whatchall thank 'bout dis sh*t wid O-man and my man, da big DC?
O-man, he be dissin' all ovah my man W.
DC....he one mean dude. You don cross DC....know what I'm sayin'?
DC, he just haul up and just b*tch slap O-man! Made O-man look like a d@mn fool. O-man say W and DC, dey too mean to dem gitmo mo fos. Dis mess be all DARE fault. He say "I jus keepin it real....keepin it real."
I'm like....Say WHAT????
DC....he like WTF? You must be trippin'. Seriously. O-man, you a d@mn fool. You think you can just go all Oprah and Dr. Phil on dem Gitmo mo fos....son.......dey crazy! In the words of mah man dah late, great Fred Sanford....YOU BIG DUMMY! You wan close Gitmo. Fine. Do dat. Where you gone send those mo fos? Here? Dude, you crazy! You do dat, den you tell ole Tupak DC say hey when you see him, cause you prolly gone meet him if you bring 'em here. Know what I'm sayin'?...and dat's a fact!
And O-man....he like, y'all jus need to chill out. Check it out....we gone lock des suckas up in Supermax. No one 'scapes from Supermax, ya know what I'm sayin'? For real.
And DC...he like, Dude....you IS crazy. Listen homeboy....Bros don't WANT dem suckas here. Understand? Bros will kick yo a$$ if you bring dem dudes here....dem suckas is WHAK to da MAX! Understand? You thank you got a mess with ole Joe Biden? H*ll, Joe Biden prolly go visit dem suckas in da Supermax and give 'em the key to get out. Den what happens? Whatchu gone do den? Say, well dat's jus Joe actin' da fool. Das jus Joe bein' Joe. I got news for you. Joe be a dumba$$. And you be a d@mn fool if you bring dem suckas here. Now who's keepin' it real? You just do what you want....I'm just sayin'.
O-man...he jes pop a tude, and he say looka heah....what we need to do is start a dialogue with all these peeps that don' like us. See.....what we do is have 'em over to mah crib....or there crib....whatever they want. I bring along a couple cases of Colt and some Schlitz, some weed, and a couple buckets of Popeye's chicken and we have us a dialogue. I say...'sup? And we go from dare.
DC....(ya gotta love ole' DC) ....DC, he jes shake his head at O-man. He say O-man....get real! You want dialogue? I got yo dialogue. I got yo dialogue rightchere. How's dis for dialogue? Iran, you listenin'? FU! Korea? You listenin? FU2!! What about Syria? Is Syria in da houz? Hey Syria? Here's yo dialogue! Syria, yo mama so ugly she make a onion cry! How you like dat dialogue? How 'bout dis one? Iran, yo mama's like a liberry...she open to da public! Korea....I can't leave out Korea....Korea, yo mama so ugly when she was born yo granmama said "What a treasure"....and yo grandaddy he say "True dat.....let's go bury it." Houz dat fo dialogue? Who's yo daddy!!!!
O-man.....he be trippin' all over hisself, but he act so cool. He say DC tryin' to lay some smackdown on Iran an Syria an Korea, but all he do is jes make 'em more mad. You know he jus wanna tell his posse to busta cap in DC's a$$, but DC, he has his own posse and they can poppa cap, too.
Plus...O-man's posse is raggin' big time 'bout ole' Nancy Pelosi calling them G-Men suckas a bunch a liars. G-Menfolk is like da Bloods...you lay down some smak talk 'bout one G-Man, you talkin' smak 'bout ALL G-Men. O-Man's done tole da b*tch to shut da hell up, but she jes keep runnin' off at da mouth. Joe and Nancy be punkin' O-Man all da time....like he don have enough to worry about he gotta worry bout both them whoobangin' an talkin' smak.
DC...he all over hisself. You know he hittin' up W every night and both them jes a-laughin, sayin' dah you believe dis sh*t? Dah you BAH-LIEVE dis SH*T???? Day so crazy. Day thank day is all dat, but day all so stoopid. Sh****t. Day both prolly burn up all day anytime minutes jes laughin' the fool.
W...he prolly say, "DC you da man. Straight up dude, you oughta make a go for it in 2012."
DC...he prolly say, "W....man what in da h*ll you smokin'? You CRAZY? Naw, I ain't runnin' fo nuttin'. But I jes like puttin' O-Man on the blast....ya know? He dissin' you, he dissin' me, he dissin' K-Rover....hell he'd dis his own mama if he thought it buy him one mo vote. Ya know whad I'm sayin'? He stand up dare like he all dat, and all the peoples jes ben over backards to kiss his backside. I ain't takin' dat sh*t dude....he gone dis me, I'm gonna call da brudah out. Ya know what I'm sayin?
W...he say True dat, homeboy, true dat. D....I love ya, man.
DC..he say...knock it off W. Don go all queen on me.
W...he say I ain't going all queen on nobody. You just my homeboy number 1....and dat's a fact.
DC...he say W....you my homeboy numba 1, too.
DC be quintensensual cool. He's dah real deal.
And W.....he off da heezy fo sheezy. Now you wanna talk bout keepin' it real...W be keepin' it real. Word.
Well....peace out, peeps.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
What Will Reubin Kincaid Think!!?!
....He's probably thinking, "Damn, I bet I could a made a ton of money if I had told her to do this back in the 70's....probably could have sold more records too."
What is this all about, you ask?
Well, I'm minding my own business going through my nightly routine of reading my right-wing websites so I can keep up with all the latest shenanigans of The New Three Stooges...(that would be Obama, Harry, and Nancy.)
Anyway, I stumble across this item on Fox News:
Oh, No She Didn't......(yet!)
Now Shirley....that's just wrong! I think Marty Ingel has a screw loose and I think Hef is ready for the funny farm if he is seriously considering this.
I can understand it if you want to breathe a little more life into your career, but dang! There's other ways of salvaging your career!
Why not ask Donald Trump to hire you on for Celebrity Apprentice and maybe you and Joan Rivers could get into a big ole' cat fight for 18 weeks. (Personally, I think you could kick her a$$.)
You could endorse some insurance product like Robert Wagner, or some medical product like Lee Majors or Wilford Brimley.
Those scooters don't have a celebrity spokesperson...you could do that.
You could design a line of clothing and sell it at Walmart or QVC.
But posing for Playboy? What if Hef says no? Are you going to call up that sleeze bucket Larry Flynt?
What would your mama say? Better yet, let me put it to you this way....what would you say to your mama if your mama came to you and said "Shirley-girl.....I'm pushing 90 and I think I'm going show everybody my stuff."
I know exactly what you'd do....you'd think to yourself "Mama's done gone lost her mind. I need to put her in a home."
Well....Shirley, I've got news for you.
If David and Shaun come up to you and say "Hey Mama, let's go for a nice ride" I have a pretty good idea as to where they may be taking you.
As the warden in "Cool Hand Luke" said....you might want to get your mind right....and keep them clothes on.
What is this all about, you ask?
Well, I'm minding my own business going through my nightly routine of reading my right-wing websites so I can keep up with all the latest shenanigans of The New Three Stooges...(that would be Obama, Harry, and Nancy.)
Anyway, I stumble across this item on Fox News:
Oh, No She Didn't......(yet!)
Now Shirley....that's just wrong! I think Marty Ingel has a screw loose and I think Hef is ready for the funny farm if he is seriously considering this.
I can understand it if you want to breathe a little more life into your career, but dang! There's other ways of salvaging your career!
Why not ask Donald Trump to hire you on for Celebrity Apprentice and maybe you and Joan Rivers could get into a big ole' cat fight for 18 weeks. (Personally, I think you could kick her a$$.)
You could endorse some insurance product like Robert Wagner, or some medical product like Lee Majors or Wilford Brimley.
Those scooters don't have a celebrity spokesperson...you could do that.
You could design a line of clothing and sell it at Walmart or QVC.
But posing for Playboy? What if Hef says no? Are you going to call up that sleeze bucket Larry Flynt?
What would your mama say? Better yet, let me put it to you this way....what would you say to your mama if your mama came to you and said "Shirley-girl.....I'm pushing 90 and I think I'm going show everybody my stuff."
I know exactly what you'd do....you'd think to yourself "Mama's done gone lost her mind. I need to put her in a home."
Well....Shirley, I've got news for you.
If David and Shaun come up to you and say "Hey Mama, let's go for a nice ride" I have a pretty good idea as to where they may be taking you.
As the warden in "Cool Hand Luke" said....you might want to get your mind right....and keep them clothes on.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Last Minute Mother's Day Gift Ideas!
This afternoon on the way home, I was listening to "The Sean Hannity Show". Of course, since Mother's Day weekend is right around the corner he was pushing the listeners to buy flowers from Pro Flowers, personalized teddy bears from The Vermont Teddy Bear Company, or pajamas from Pajamagram.com.
Now....those are all well and good if your mom truly likes those things but let's face it. Flowers are expensive and they die and at the end of the day, what does mom have to remember her special day with? A cheap glass vase to put with all of her other cheap glass vases from previous Mother's Days and birthdays.
Personalized teddy bears? Oh sure, they say get "The Gardener Bear" if your mom is into gardening, "The Nurse Bear" if your mom is a medical professional, etc. Well, what if your mom is like mine.....a traditional southern mom? Sorry, Vermont Teddy Bear Company, but I didn't see a bear that comes with its own secret recipe for homemade chocolate pie and sweet tea and the accessory of your choice: a wooden spoon, a fly swatter, or a hickory switch to represent her choice of a$$-whoopin' tools.
And pajamas? Puh-leez! On those 20 degrees nights who wants to curl up in front of a fire in silk pajamas? Give me sweat pants, a sweat shirt, and a thick pair of tube socks. Now, that's comfort!
Now...you're probably asking yourself, "OK, Miss Smarty Pants. What gifts would YOU recommend for Mother's Day?"
Well...I'm glad you asked!
First off, you need to determine what type of mom you have.
If your mom is athletic, I highly recommend this: The Handheld Bug Zapper. Note the unique tennis-shaped design. She can practice her serve and zap skeeters at the same time! And guess what makes it even more special? When you zap those suckers, they fry! Yup, as soon as that bug hits those wires, they spark up and sizzle! She can have her own little personal fireworks show. Trust me, she'll be the envy of the neighborhood. And at a bargain price of $12.99 that's a great deal in these hard economic times.
Maybe your mom is into movies. But there are so many DVDs on the market these days, you could go crazy trying to pick something she would like. Well, have no fear....I have the perfect selection.
How about a Clint Eastwood Gift Pack? Now...I know what you're thinking. Clint Eastwood has appeared in almost 70 movies and has directed about 30 films so how do you know which one to pick?
Again....think about the type of mom you have and match it up.
For example, suppose you have a no-nonsense mom. The type of mom who ain't nobody's fool....the type of mom who is the master of "that look." You know...the look that says "You got two seconds to do what I say or I'm gonna get me a hickory switch and go to town on someone's tail."
If that is your mom, then she will love The Complete Dirty Harry Collection: Dirty Harry, Magnum Force, The Enforcer, Sudden Impact, and The Dead Pool. Harry Callahan is a no-nonsense cop who is the master of "the look". As a matter of fact, your mom probably learned that look from Harry Callahan! And Harry don't mess around. Cross Harry Callahan and he will open up a can of whoop-a$$ on you so fast it will make your head spin.
"But that's not MY mom!" you're probably saying to yourself. "My mom is like a soccer mom!" Well, not to fear....there's a Clint Eastwood gift pack for her, too!
I would recommend Bronco Billy, The Bridges of Madison County, Play Misty for Me, Honky Tonk Man, and Paint Your Wagon. What sets these apart from most other Eastwood films is that these show the sensitive side of Clint. Not a whole lot of a$$-whoopin' going on for one and here's a shocker....Clint sings! I'm not kidding....he sings in Paint Your Wagon and Bronco Billy! These are what I would classify as the "chick flick" genre of Clint Eastwood films.
Personally, I hate to say it, but I think he sold out when he made The Bridges of Madison County. My first thought was that if he makes another film like that, he might as well hang it up, move to Chicago and change his name to Oprah.
Maybe your mom likes comedies. You might find this hard to believe, but Clint has actually made some comedies. An oldie but a goody is Francis in the Navy. This movie is part of The Francis the Talking Mule series. In this one, Francis the Talking Mule gets drafted into the Navy! Clint Eastwood and a talking mule....in the Navy? Who'd a thunk it?
I would pair this one up with Every Which Way But Loose, Any Which Way You Can, City Heat, and Space Cowboys. Think about it for a minute......you got an orangutan in Every Which But Loose and Any Which Way You Can.....Burt Reynolds co-stars in City Heat, and Tommy Lee Jones co-stars in Space Cowboys. Sweet!
Ok.....maybe your mom has had the misfortune of raising some heathens. Well guess what? Yes, you're in luck, because Clint has made some movies just for mamas with heathens.
Check out Escape from Alcatraz. Clint portrays Frank Morris, who is the one of three prisoners who might have actually managed to escape the famous maximum security federal penitentiary. This one would go good with True Crime. In this film, Clint plays a journalist who is assigned to cover the execution of a murderer. I would also include Pale Rider and Unforgiven as part of this gift set; primarily because Clint plays the part of a reformed heathen in these two films, so it might give mom a little hope that maybe her heathens will reform, too.
Now, if you wanted to go the extra mile for mom, you might consider making it a deluxe gift pack by tossing in Cool Hand Luke and The Birdman of Alcatraz. Although Clint Eastwood is not in either of these films, Paul Newman and Burt Lancaster are. And....they are set in prison so it is also a continuation of the "heathen" theme. Plus, what mom DOESN'T like a good prison movie?
Now....I know times are hard and money's tight these days so maybe you can't afford a complete Clint Eastwood gift pack. Trust me, all of the following are great films, they are classic Clint, and your mom will be thrilled with any one of them.
1. Bronco Billy. This one is my personal favorite and it's my understanding that it's also Clint's favorite. He plays the owner and star of a traveling Wild West show. What's funny about that? Well...it's dialogue like this:
Antoinette Lilly: Have you ever been married?
Bronco Billy McCoy: Sure. A long time ago.
Antoinette Lilly: Did you love her?
Bronco Billy McCoy: With all my heart. Sometimes that just isn't enough.
Antoinette Lilly: What happened?
Bronco Billy McCoy: I caught her in bed with my best friend.
Antoinette Lilly: What did you do to him?
Bronco Billy McCoy: I shot her.
Antoinette Lilly: What! What about him?
Bronco Billy McCoy: He was my best friend!
2. Gran Torino. Trust me on this one....I don't care WHAT the critics say; the only thing that sucked about this film was the ending. Absolutely GREAT movie. If I had to describe it, I would call it "Dirty Harry - Lite."
3. Any of the Spaghetti Western Series: A Fistful of Dollars, For A Few Dollars More, and The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly. Classic Western.....Vintage Eastwood.
4. Pale Rider. In this one, Clint plays a mysterious stranger that shows up in a prospectors camp. A gold mining company is trying to chase the prospectors off their claims and Clint shows up and and demonstrates to them the fine art of opening up a family-sized can of whoop-a$$ on the employees of the gold mining company. The best part of this film, though, is the interaction between The Preacher (Clint) and Sarah and Megan Wheeler (a mother and daughter in the prospectors camp). For the record, the men in that prospectors camp were absolutely wusses, so Clint was the first actual MAN that Sarah and Megan had seen. Also, Chris Penn (Sean's brother) is in this film, too, but don't let that stop you from watching it....he can't help it if his brother's a commie-loving' jacka$$.
5. Heartbreak Ridge. Great movie about a career Marine. 'Nuff said.
6. Escape from Alcatraz. This one is just interesting because it was actually filmed at Alcatraz....a place I've always wanted to visit. Now, don't get me wrong because I don't condone prison escapes, but in this one the warden was portrayed as somewhat of an a$, so I don't blame them for leaving. Interesting thing to note: The Anglin Brothers, who supposedly escaped with Frank Morris were sent to Alcatraz from the Atlanta Federal Pen. Go figure.
Now.....maybe Clint Eastwood isn't your mom's cup of tea.
And.....maybe with in these tough economic times, you can't afford one of the many Mother's Day brunches offered at many of the restaurants this weekend.
Here's how to do it on the cheap!
If you have a membership to one the the warehouse clubs (ie, Sam's, Costco, or BJ's) get up early this weekend, pickup mom and bring her over to the warehouse club. As you walk around the store, point out the various free samples being offered all over the store and encourage mom to sample. She gets her brunch.....and it's FREE! Take THAT, O'Charley's!
Maybe your mom doesn't care to be pampered for Mother's Day. Maybe she's perfectly content with a carton of Marlboro's and a case of beer. Well, just remember that Mother's Day falls on a Sunday, so make sure you pick that beer up on Saturday.
Here's something different. Maybe your mom is a busy career gal and doesn't have time to clean her car. Unfortunately, neither do you. Well, if you're a biker, you're in luck! One Eyed Willies, the biker bar in Dallas is having a bikini car wash on Saturday. Take mom's car up there for a cleanup. I don't think you really have to be a biker to get your car washed there, but judging from the looks of the people that hang out there, they appear to be a rough crowd if you get my drift so being a biker might just save your life. (I'm just sayin'.....)
Also, Lucky Draw Tattoo Parlor in Hiram has a great Mother's Day deal! For this weekend only, mom can get a free upper body piercing with the purchase of a tattoo. So if your mom likes to live on the wild side and wants to get one of those tramp stamps that are all the rage now along with a tongue piercing, send her down to Lucky's!
Finally, as a friendly reminder I want to point out that the Hooters in Hiram will be opening extra early on Sunday just in case mom wants to kick back with some chicken wings.
Hope these have given you guys some new ideas. For the record, my mom is getting none of these. I've opted to go with a designer carrying case for her hickory switch.
Happy Mother's Day!!
Now....those are all well and good if your mom truly likes those things but let's face it. Flowers are expensive and they die and at the end of the day, what does mom have to remember her special day with? A cheap glass vase to put with all of her other cheap glass vases from previous Mother's Days and birthdays.
Personalized teddy bears? Oh sure, they say get "The Gardener Bear" if your mom is into gardening, "The Nurse Bear" if your mom is a medical professional, etc. Well, what if your mom is like mine.....a traditional southern mom? Sorry, Vermont Teddy Bear Company, but I didn't see a bear that comes with its own secret recipe for homemade chocolate pie and sweet tea and the accessory of your choice: a wooden spoon, a fly swatter, or a hickory switch to represent her choice of a$$-whoopin' tools.
And pajamas? Puh-leez! On those 20 degrees nights who wants to curl up in front of a fire in silk pajamas? Give me sweat pants, a sweat shirt, and a thick pair of tube socks. Now, that's comfort!
Now...you're probably asking yourself, "OK, Miss Smarty Pants. What gifts would YOU recommend for Mother's Day?"
Well...I'm glad you asked!
First off, you need to determine what type of mom you have.
If your mom is athletic, I highly recommend this: The Handheld Bug Zapper. Note the unique tennis-shaped design. She can practice her serve and zap skeeters at the same time! And guess what makes it even more special? When you zap those suckers, they fry! Yup, as soon as that bug hits those wires, they spark up and sizzle! She can have her own little personal fireworks show. Trust me, she'll be the envy of the neighborhood. And at a bargain price of $12.99 that's a great deal in these hard economic times.
Maybe your mom is into movies. But there are so many DVDs on the market these days, you could go crazy trying to pick something she would like. Well, have no fear....I have the perfect selection.
How about a Clint Eastwood Gift Pack? Now...I know what you're thinking. Clint Eastwood has appeared in almost 70 movies and has directed about 30 films so how do you know which one to pick?
Again....think about the type of mom you have and match it up.
For example, suppose you have a no-nonsense mom. The type of mom who ain't nobody's fool....the type of mom who is the master of "that look." You know...the look that says "You got two seconds to do what I say or I'm gonna get me a hickory switch and go to town on someone's tail."
If that is your mom, then she will love The Complete Dirty Harry Collection: Dirty Harry, Magnum Force, The Enforcer, Sudden Impact, and The Dead Pool. Harry Callahan is a no-nonsense cop who is the master of "the look". As a matter of fact, your mom probably learned that look from Harry Callahan! And Harry don't mess around. Cross Harry Callahan and he will open up a can of whoop-a$$ on you so fast it will make your head spin.
"But that's not MY mom!" you're probably saying to yourself. "My mom is like a soccer mom!" Well, not to fear....there's a Clint Eastwood gift pack for her, too!
I would recommend Bronco Billy, The Bridges of Madison County, Play Misty for Me, Honky Tonk Man, and Paint Your Wagon. What sets these apart from most other Eastwood films is that these show the sensitive side of Clint. Not a whole lot of a$$-whoopin' going on for one and here's a shocker....Clint sings! I'm not kidding....he sings in Paint Your Wagon and Bronco Billy! These are what I would classify as the "chick flick" genre of Clint Eastwood films.
Personally, I hate to say it, but I think he sold out when he made The Bridges of Madison County. My first thought was that if he makes another film like that, he might as well hang it up, move to Chicago and change his name to Oprah.
Maybe your mom likes comedies. You might find this hard to believe, but Clint has actually made some comedies. An oldie but a goody is Francis in the Navy. This movie is part of The Francis the Talking Mule series. In this one, Francis the Talking Mule gets drafted into the Navy! Clint Eastwood and a talking mule....in the Navy? Who'd a thunk it?
I would pair this one up with Every Which Way But Loose, Any Which Way You Can, City Heat, and Space Cowboys. Think about it for a minute......you got an orangutan in Every Which But Loose and Any Which Way You Can.....Burt Reynolds co-stars in City Heat, and Tommy Lee Jones co-stars in Space Cowboys. Sweet!
Ok.....maybe your mom has had the misfortune of raising some heathens. Well guess what? Yes, you're in luck, because Clint has made some movies just for mamas with heathens.
Check out Escape from Alcatraz. Clint portrays Frank Morris, who is the one of three prisoners who might have actually managed to escape the famous maximum security federal penitentiary. This one would go good with True Crime. In this film, Clint plays a journalist who is assigned to cover the execution of a murderer. I would also include Pale Rider and Unforgiven as part of this gift set; primarily because Clint plays the part of a reformed heathen in these two films, so it might give mom a little hope that maybe her heathens will reform, too.
Now, if you wanted to go the extra mile for mom, you might consider making it a deluxe gift pack by tossing in Cool Hand Luke and The Birdman of Alcatraz. Although Clint Eastwood is not in either of these films, Paul Newman and Burt Lancaster are. And....they are set in prison so it is also a continuation of the "heathen" theme. Plus, what mom DOESN'T like a good prison movie?
Now....I know times are hard and money's tight these days so maybe you can't afford a complete Clint Eastwood gift pack. Trust me, all of the following are great films, they are classic Clint, and your mom will be thrilled with any one of them.
1. Bronco Billy. This one is my personal favorite and it's my understanding that it's also Clint's favorite. He plays the owner and star of a traveling Wild West show. What's funny about that? Well...it's dialogue like this:
Antoinette Lilly: Have you ever been married?
Bronco Billy McCoy: Sure. A long time ago.
Antoinette Lilly: Did you love her?
Bronco Billy McCoy: With all my heart. Sometimes that just isn't enough.
Antoinette Lilly: What happened?
Bronco Billy McCoy: I caught her in bed with my best friend.
Antoinette Lilly: What did you do to him?
Bronco Billy McCoy: I shot her.
Antoinette Lilly: What! What about him?
Bronco Billy McCoy: He was my best friend!
2. Gran Torino. Trust me on this one....I don't care WHAT the critics say; the only thing that sucked about this film was the ending. Absolutely GREAT movie. If I had to describe it, I would call it "Dirty Harry - Lite."
3. Any of the Spaghetti Western Series: A Fistful of Dollars, For A Few Dollars More, and The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly. Classic Western.....Vintage Eastwood.
4. Pale Rider. In this one, Clint plays a mysterious stranger that shows up in a prospectors camp. A gold mining company is trying to chase the prospectors off their claims and Clint shows up and and demonstrates to them the fine art of opening up a family-sized can of whoop-a$$ on the employees of the gold mining company. The best part of this film, though, is the interaction between The Preacher (Clint) and Sarah and Megan Wheeler (a mother and daughter in the prospectors camp). For the record, the men in that prospectors camp were absolutely wusses, so Clint was the first actual MAN that Sarah and Megan had seen. Also, Chris Penn (Sean's brother) is in this film, too, but don't let that stop you from watching it....he can't help it if his brother's a commie-loving' jacka$$.
5. Heartbreak Ridge. Great movie about a career Marine. 'Nuff said.
6. Escape from Alcatraz. This one is just interesting because it was actually filmed at Alcatraz....a place I've always wanted to visit. Now, don't get me wrong because I don't condone prison escapes, but in this one the warden was portrayed as somewhat of an a$, so I don't blame them for leaving. Interesting thing to note: The Anglin Brothers, who supposedly escaped with Frank Morris were sent to Alcatraz from the Atlanta Federal Pen. Go figure.
Now.....maybe Clint Eastwood isn't your mom's cup of tea.
And.....maybe with in these tough economic times, you can't afford one of the many Mother's Day brunches offered at many of the restaurants this weekend.
Here's how to do it on the cheap!
If you have a membership to one the the warehouse clubs (ie, Sam's, Costco, or BJ's) get up early this weekend, pickup mom and bring her over to the warehouse club. As you walk around the store, point out the various free samples being offered all over the store and encourage mom to sample. She gets her brunch.....and it's FREE! Take THAT, O'Charley's!
Maybe your mom doesn't care to be pampered for Mother's Day. Maybe she's perfectly content with a carton of Marlboro's and a case of beer. Well, just remember that Mother's Day falls on a Sunday, so make sure you pick that beer up on Saturday.
Here's something different. Maybe your mom is a busy career gal and doesn't have time to clean her car. Unfortunately, neither do you. Well, if you're a biker, you're in luck! One Eyed Willies, the biker bar in Dallas is having a bikini car wash on Saturday. Take mom's car up there for a cleanup. I don't think you really have to be a biker to get your car washed there, but judging from the looks of the people that hang out there, they appear to be a rough crowd if you get my drift so being a biker might just save your life. (I'm just sayin'.....)
Also, Lucky Draw Tattoo Parlor in Hiram has a great Mother's Day deal! For this weekend only, mom can get a free upper body piercing with the purchase of a tattoo. So if your mom likes to live on the wild side and wants to get one of those tramp stamps that are all the rage now along with a tongue piercing, send her down to Lucky's!
Finally, as a friendly reminder I want to point out that the Hooters in Hiram will be opening extra early on Sunday just in case mom wants to kick back with some chicken wings.
Hope these have given you guys some new ideas. For the record, my mom is getting none of these. I've opted to go with a designer carrying case for her hickory switch.
Happy Mother's Day!!
Saturday, May 2, 2009
"I would tell members of my family - and I have - I wouldn't go anywhere in confined places now. It's not going to Mexico, it's you're in a confined aircraft when one person sneezes it goes all the way through the aircraft. That's me. I would not be, at this point, if they had another way of transportation, suggesting they ride the subway. So from my perspective, what it relates to is mitigation.
"If you're out in the middle of a field and someone sneezes, that's one thing. If you're in a closed aircraft or a closed container, a closed car, a closed classroom, it's a different thing."
-Joe Biden, April 30, Interview on Today
Now that Joe Biden has single-handedly attempted a shutdown of the travel industry, these are my predictions on what other industries he will attempt to sink before the year is out:
On the auto industry:
"I would tell members of my family - and I have -You couldn't PAY me to buy an American made car. Lookit....they're all going down the toilet anyway. Who's going to fix it when the damn thing breaks? The Department of Transportation? Hell, Big O hasn't even filled that position yet. Buy American...yeah right. But anything BUT American."
On the financial industry:
"I would tell members of my family - and I have - do NOT put your money in the bank. As soon as you get your paycheck, you march down to the bank the check is drawn on and cash it. Draw all of your money out of your bank accounts, invest in a good fireproof safe and bury your money in your backyard. Do you honestly think the FDIC has enough money to cover everyone's bank accounts?"
On getting vaccinated agains H1N1:
"I would tell members of my family - and I have - do NOT get that vaccination! Remember what happened in 1976? There was an outbreak of swine flu then and the government had a vaccination program going. Some people that received that vaccine died and it permanently paralyzed others. You know the FDA doesn't test this stuff worth jack crap, anyway. Just stay away from people is my advice."
On government healthcare:
"I would advise everyone with children in high school to encourage them to go on to medical school. That way, you would have a doctor in the family and have someone that actually gives a d@mn about your healthcare instead of entrusting it to a bonafide government flunky. Case in point, name me function that the government can run effectively? Call up the Social Security Administration and tell me how long it takes you to get a question answered...that is IF you actually get to talk to a human being.....and don't EVEN get me started on the IRS. And the TSA? You've GOT to be kidding? Ever flown out of the Atlanta airport?"
On gun control:
"Two words.....stock up. That's all I'm sayin'."
Now that Joe Biden has single-handedly attempted a shutdown of the travel industry, these are my predictions on what other industries he will attempt to sink before the year is out:
On the auto industry:
"I would tell members of my family - and I have -You couldn't PAY me to buy an American made car. Lookit....they're all going down the toilet anyway. Who's going to fix it when the damn thing breaks? The Department of Transportation? Hell, Big O hasn't even filled that position yet. Buy American...yeah right. But anything BUT American."
On the financial industry:
"I would tell members of my family - and I have - do NOT put your money in the bank. As soon as you get your paycheck, you march down to the bank the check is drawn on and cash it. Draw all of your money out of your bank accounts, invest in a good fireproof safe and bury your money in your backyard. Do you honestly think the FDIC has enough money to cover everyone's bank accounts?"
On getting vaccinated agains H1N1:
"I would tell members of my family - and I have - do NOT get that vaccination! Remember what happened in 1976? There was an outbreak of swine flu then and the government had a vaccination program going. Some people that received that vaccine died and it permanently paralyzed others. You know the FDA doesn't test this stuff worth jack crap, anyway. Just stay away from people is my advice."
On government healthcare:
"I would advise everyone with children in high school to encourage them to go on to medical school. That way, you would have a doctor in the family and have someone that actually gives a d@mn about your healthcare instead of entrusting it to a bonafide government flunky. Case in point, name me function that the government can run effectively? Call up the Social Security Administration and tell me how long it takes you to get a question answered...that is IF you actually get to talk to a human being.....and don't EVEN get me started on the IRS. And the TSA? You've GOT to be kidding? Ever flown out of the Atlanta airport?"
On gun control:
"Two words.....stock up. That's all I'm sayin'."
Friday, May 1, 2009
An Open Letter to the President
Dear Mr. President:
I know you have a lot on your plate these days, what with that swine...er...H1N1 virus going around, picking up puppy poo in the Oval Office, trying to do damage control because of Jacka$$ Joe's latest remarks, etc.
I'm sure that you are well aware that the American public is becoming increasingly angry. They are angry that their tax dollars are being wasted, they are angry that the deficit has increased to an unheard of amount, and they are angry that they are going to be taxed on anything and everything.
Obviously, you are well aware of the outrage when it was reported that executives of companies that received bail out money were given bonuses.
Well, something in America's heartland is brewing and I feel it is my duty as an American citizen to forewarn you because I'm afraid that if something is not done to remedy this situation there may be rioting in cities across America.
Please review the following videos:
As you can see, this situation could very well create panic in the streets.
I don't mean to play Monday morning quarterback, but I have a few suggestions that could possibly quell this situation.
I think you should immediately call a press conference and assure the American people that there is more than an adequate supply of chickens and you have authorized emergency legislation that would provide chicken farmers with $1.5 billion dollars in order to increase chicken production.
I think you should reassure the American people that the Department of Homeland Security is closely monitoring the situation and has established a system called the Chicken Threat Level in order to alert and advise the general public of the probability of chicken shortages. Green = Low, Blue = Guarded, Yellow = Elevated, Orange = High, and Red = Severe.
Secondly, taking a suggestion from one of the people on the video, sign an Executive Order that will station one refrigerator truck loaded with chicken outside of each and every chicken restaurant in America so that no restaurant will EVER run out of chickens.
This will create thousands of new jobs because someone would not only need to stock the trucks with chickens, but someone would also have to drive the truck back and forth from the chicken restaurant to the chicken distribution center.
Lastly, you should announce that you are going to appoint a special prosecutor to investigate the owner of the Popeye's Chicken in Minnesota for not participating in the nationally advertised promotion of eight pieces of chicken for $4.99.
This was a blatant act act of price gouging in that the owner of this franchise KNEW that as the owner of the ONLY Popeye's in Minnesota that there would be a run on chicken and that by selling nine pieces of chicken for $9.99 he was obviously taking advantage of the situation in order to line his own pockets. I'd be willing to be that the owner is a Republican.
Anyway, I offer these suggestions to you because I'd hate for the Republicans to point to the Popeye's Chicken Scandal of 2009 as your "Katrina moment" in your reelection campaign in 2012.
Sincerely,
A Concerned American Citizen
I know you have a lot on your plate these days, what with that swine...er...H1N1 virus going around, picking up puppy poo in the Oval Office, trying to do damage control because of Jacka$$ Joe's latest remarks, etc.
I'm sure that you are well aware that the American public is becoming increasingly angry. They are angry that their tax dollars are being wasted, they are angry that the deficit has increased to an unheard of amount, and they are angry that they are going to be taxed on anything and everything.
Obviously, you are well aware of the outrage when it was reported that executives of companies that received bail out money were given bonuses.
Well, something in America's heartland is brewing and I feel it is my duty as an American citizen to forewarn you because I'm afraid that if something is not done to remedy this situation there may be rioting in cities across America.
Please review the following videos:
As you can see, this situation could very well create panic in the streets.
I don't mean to play Monday morning quarterback, but I have a few suggestions that could possibly quell this situation.
I think you should immediately call a press conference and assure the American people that there is more than an adequate supply of chickens and you have authorized emergency legislation that would provide chicken farmers with $1.5 billion dollars in order to increase chicken production.
I think you should reassure the American people that the Department of Homeland Security is closely monitoring the situation and has established a system called the Chicken Threat Level in order to alert and advise the general public of the probability of chicken shortages. Green = Low, Blue = Guarded, Yellow = Elevated, Orange = High, and Red = Severe.
Secondly, taking a suggestion from one of the people on the video, sign an Executive Order that will station one refrigerator truck loaded with chicken outside of each and every chicken restaurant in America so that no restaurant will EVER run out of chickens.
This will create thousands of new jobs because someone would not only need to stock the trucks with chickens, but someone would also have to drive the truck back and forth from the chicken restaurant to the chicken distribution center.
Lastly, you should announce that you are going to appoint a special prosecutor to investigate the owner of the Popeye's Chicken in Minnesota for not participating in the nationally advertised promotion of eight pieces of chicken for $4.99.
This was a blatant act act of price gouging in that the owner of this franchise KNEW that as the owner of the ONLY Popeye's in Minnesota that there would be a run on chicken and that by selling nine pieces of chicken for $9.99 he was obviously taking advantage of the situation in order to line his own pockets. I'd be willing to be that the owner is a Republican.
Anyway, I offer these suggestions to you because I'd hate for the Republicans to point to the Popeye's Chicken Scandal of 2009 as your "Katrina moment" in your reelection campaign in 2012.
Sincerely,
A Concerned American Citizen
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