Last Minute Mother's Day Gift Ideas!

This afternoon on the way home, I was listening to "The Sean Hannity Show". Of course, since Mother's Day weekend is right around the corner he was pushing the listeners to buy flowers from Pro Flowers, personalized teddy bears from The Vermont Teddy Bear Company, or pajamas from Pajamagram.com.

Now....those are all well and good if your mom truly likes those things but let's face it. Flowers are expensive and they die and at the end of the day, what does mom have to remember her special day with? A cheap glass vase to put with all of her other cheap glass vases from previous Mother's Days and birthdays.

Personalized teddy bears? Oh sure, they say get "The Gardener Bear" if your mom is into gardening, "The Nurse Bear" if your mom is a medical professional, etc. Well, what if your mom is like mine.....a traditional southern mom? Sorry, Vermont Teddy Bear Company, but I didn't see a bear that comes with its own secret recipe for homemade chocolate pie and sweet tea and the accessory of your choice: a wooden spoon, a fly swatter, or a hickory switch to represent her choice of a$$-whoopin' tools.

And pajamas? Puh-leez! On those 20 degrees nights who wants to curl up in front of a fire in silk pajamas? Give me sweat pants, a sweat shirt, and a thick pair of tube socks. Now, that's comfort!

Now...you're probably asking yourself, "OK, Miss Smarty Pants. What gifts would YOU recommend for Mother's Day?"

Well...I'm glad you asked!

First off, you need to determine what type of mom you have.

If your mom is athletic, I highly recommend this: The Handheld Bug Zapper. Note the unique tennis-shaped design. She can practice her serve and zap skeeters at the same time! And guess what makes it even more special? When you zap those suckers, they fry! Yup, as soon as that bug hits those wires, they spark up and sizzle! She can have her own little personal fireworks show. Trust me, she'll be the envy of the neighborhood. And at a bargain price of $12.99 that's a great deal in these hard economic times.

Maybe your mom is into movies. But there are so many DVDs on the market these days, you could go crazy trying to pick something she would like. Well, have no fear....I have the perfect selection.

How about a Clint Eastwood Gift Pack? Now...I know what you're thinking. Clint Eastwood has appeared in almost 70 movies and has directed about 30 films so how do you know which one to pick?

Again....think about the type of mom you have and match it up.

For example, suppose you have a no-nonsense mom. The type of mom who ain't nobody's fool....the type of mom who is the master of "that look." You know...the look that says "You got two seconds to do what I say or I'm gonna get me a hickory switch and go to town on someone's tail."

If that is your mom, then she will love The Complete Dirty Harry Collection: Dirty Harry, Magnum Force, The Enforcer, Sudden Impact, and The Dead Pool. Harry Callahan is a no-nonsense cop who is the master of "the look". As a matter of fact, your mom probably learned that look from Harry Callahan! And Harry don't mess around. Cross Harry Callahan and he will open up a can of whoop-a$$ on you so fast it will make your head spin.

"But that's not MY mom!" you're probably saying to yourself. "My mom is like a soccer mom!" Well, not to fear....there's a Clint Eastwood gift pack for her, too!

I would recommend Bronco Billy, The Bridges of Madison County, Play Misty for Me, Honky Tonk Man, and Paint Your Wagon. What sets these apart from most other Eastwood films is that these show the sensitive side of Clint. Not a whole lot of a$$-whoopin' going on for one and here's a shocker....Clint sings! I'm not kidding....he sings in Paint Your Wagon and Bronco Billy! These are what I would classify as the "chick flick" genre of Clint Eastwood films.

Personally, I hate to say it, but I think he sold out when he made The Bridges of Madison County. My first thought was that if he makes another film like that, he might as well hang it up, move to Chicago and change his name to Oprah.

Maybe your mom likes comedies. You might find this hard to believe, but Clint has actually made some comedies. An oldie but a goody is Francis in the Navy. This movie is part of The Francis the Talking Mule series. In this one, Francis the Talking Mule gets drafted into the Navy! Clint Eastwood and a talking mule....in the Navy? Who'd a thunk it?

I would pair this one up with Every Which Way But Loose, Any Which Way You Can, City Heat, and Space Cowboys. Think about it for a minute......you got an orangutan in Every Which But Loose and Any Which Way You Can.....Burt Reynolds co-stars in City Heat, and Tommy Lee Jones co-stars in Space Cowboys. Sweet!

Ok.....maybe your mom has had the misfortune of raising some heathens. Well guess what? Yes, you're in luck, because Clint has made some movies just for mamas with heathens.

Check out Escape from Alcatraz. Clint portrays Frank Morris, who is the one of three prisoners who might have actually managed to escape the famous maximum security federal penitentiary. This one would go good with True Crime. In this film, Clint plays a journalist who is assigned to cover the execution of a murderer. I would also include Pale Rider and Unforgiven as part of this gift set; primarily because Clint plays the part of a reformed heathen in these two films, so it might give mom a little hope that maybe her heathens will reform, too.

Now, if you wanted to go the extra mile for mom, you might consider making it a deluxe gift pack by tossing in Cool Hand Luke and The Birdman of Alcatraz. Although Clint Eastwood is not in either of these films, Paul Newman and Burt Lancaster are. And....they are set in prison so it is also a continuation of the "heathen" theme. Plus, what mom DOESN'T like a good prison movie?

Now....I know times are hard and money's tight these days so maybe you can't afford a complete Clint Eastwood gift pack. Trust me, all of the following are great films, they are classic Clint, and your mom will be thrilled with any one of them.

1. Bronco Billy. This one is my personal favorite and it's my understanding that it's also Clint's favorite. He plays the owner and star of a traveling Wild West show. What's funny about that? Well...it's dialogue like this:

Antoinette Lilly: Have you ever been married?
Bronco Billy McCoy: Sure. A long time ago.
Antoinette Lilly: Did you love her?
Bronco Billy McCoy: With all my heart. Sometimes that just isn't enough.
Antoinette Lilly: What happened?
Bronco Billy McCoy: I caught her in bed with my best friend.
Antoinette Lilly: What did you do to him?
Bronco Billy McCoy: I shot her.
Antoinette Lilly: What! What about him?
Bronco Billy McCoy: He was my best friend!

2. Gran Torino. Trust me on this one....I don't care WHAT the critics say; the only thing that sucked about this film was the ending. Absolutely GREAT movie. If I had to describe it, I would call it "Dirty Harry - Lite."

3. Any of the Spaghetti Western Series: A Fistful of Dollars, For A Few Dollars More, and The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly. Classic Western.....Vintage Eastwood.

4. Pale Rider. In this one, Clint plays a mysterious stranger that shows up in a prospectors camp. A gold mining company is trying to chase the prospectors off their claims and Clint shows up and and demonstrates to them the fine art of opening up a family-sized can of whoop-a$$ on the employees of the gold mining company. The best part of this film, though, is the interaction between The Preacher (Clint) and Sarah and Megan Wheeler (a mother and daughter in the prospectors camp). For the record, the men in that prospectors camp were absolutely wusses, so Clint was the first actual MAN that Sarah and Megan had seen. Also, Chris Penn (Sean's brother) is in this film, too, but don't let that stop you from watching it....he can't help it if his brother's a commie-loving' jacka$$.

5. Heartbreak Ridge. Great movie about a career Marine. 'Nuff said.

6. Escape from Alcatraz. This one is just interesting because it was actually filmed at Alcatraz....a place I've always wanted to visit. Now, don't get me wrong because I don't condone prison escapes, but in this one the warden was portrayed as somewhat of an a$, so I don't blame them for leaving. Interesting thing to note: The Anglin Brothers, who supposedly escaped with Frank Morris were sent to Alcatraz from the Atlanta Federal Pen. Go figure.

Now.....maybe Clint Eastwood isn't your mom's cup of tea.

And.....maybe with in these tough economic times, you can't afford one of the many Mother's Day brunches offered at many of the restaurants this weekend.

Here's how to do it on the cheap!

If you have a membership to one the the warehouse clubs (ie, Sam's, Costco, or BJ's) get up early this weekend, pickup mom and bring her over to the warehouse club. As you walk around the store, point out the various free samples being offered all over the store and encourage mom to sample. She gets her brunch.....and it's FREE! Take THAT, O'Charley's!

Maybe your mom doesn't care to be pampered for Mother's Day. Maybe she's perfectly content with a carton of Marlboro's and a case of beer. Well, just remember that Mother's Day falls on a Sunday, so make sure you pick that beer up on Saturday.

Here's something different. Maybe your mom is a busy career gal and doesn't have time to clean her car. Unfortunately, neither do you. Well, if you're a biker, you're in luck! One Eyed Willies, the biker bar in Dallas is having a bikini car wash on Saturday. Take mom's car up there for a cleanup. I don't think you really have to be a biker to get your car washed there, but judging from the looks of the people that hang out there, they appear to be a rough crowd if you get my drift so being a biker might just save your life. (I'm just sayin'.....)

Also, Lucky Draw Tattoo Parlor in Hiram has a great Mother's Day deal! For this weekend only, mom can get a free upper body piercing with the purchase of a tattoo. So if your mom likes to live on the wild side and wants to get one of those tramp stamps that are all the rage now along with a tongue piercing, send her down to Lucky's!

Finally, as a friendly reminder I want to point out that the Hooters in Hiram will be opening extra early on Sunday just in case mom wants to kick back with some chicken wings.

Hope these have given you guys some new ideas. For the record, my mom is getting none of these. I've opted to go with a designer carrying case for her hickory switch.

Happy Mother's Day!!