OK....I took a break for the holidays, so sue me. Actually, just like before, there was nothing much going on except for the stress of one project at work, I had a cold that I had a time getting over, busy Christmas shopping, etc.
But....now I'm off until January 2, 2009....I've slept late, vegged out, unwound, and I'm back and ready to go.
As for news, Christmas was good. I got some good stuff, had fun with family, had fun with the dogs, and it's been good just to think about nothing for a change.
I saw "Marley and Me" yesterday. (I won't spoil it, but if you have not read the book, bring tissues.) It wasn't the movie I wanted to see. I actually wanted to see either "Frost/Nixon" or "Gran Torino" but since neither of them star Larry The Cable Guy, they won't be playing at the Paulding Metro Mont. So that means I have to venture into Cobb County if I want to see either of them.
Speaking of "Gran Torino", one of the cable movie channels is doing a "Countdown With Clint" moviethon on New Year's Eve! Just think! Wall to Wall Clint Eastwood! I'm hoping they show the entire Dirty Harry series along with "Play Misty For Me", "Bronco Billy", and "Honkeytonk Man". Those are my favorite Clint flicks. But it looks like it is going to be "Heartbreak Ridge", "Josie Wales", "Fistful of Dollars" and "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly". I like the Spaghetti Westerns, but I'm a sucker for Harry Callahan! But, I'm just happy spending New Year's Eve with Clint.
So that brings us to today. Today was my brother Ron's 50th birthday. I went to Publix and ordered a NASCAR cake for him. I started to have a Hannah Montana cake done, but I decided that since 50 was a pretty big occasion, I'd go with NASCAR. We all met over at my parents house, had a party, then adjourned to the living room to talk.
I got a little bored, so I got on my dad's computer and started looking for message boards and review sites.
Don't ask me why or how, but I began looking for the reviews of "The Snuggie". Snuggies, for the uninitiated, is the latest POC (Piece of Crap) that "As Seen On TV" offers up as a gift idea. For all intensive purposes, if you own a robe, then put it on backwards....you now own a Snuggie! (And I just saved you $19.95!) It turns out, the Snuggie has undergone an evolution of sorts. A few years ago, it was being sold as a POC called "The Slanket". Go figure.
My brother and I had a grand ole time reading some of the reviews of the various infomercials. My sisters-in-law just could not understand why we were laughing so hard. So I'm putting this up to a vote. Are we weird or are these just not absolutely hysterical?
Informercial Reviews of Nads, My Lil Reminder, Listen Up, and Magic Bullet.
(The review of Listen Up had my brother and me crying, we were laughing so hard.)
Now, here's a review of Magic Bullet To Go. I haven't actually seen this one, but I have seen it's predecessor. This review is absolutely priceless....especially the comments about Berman and Hazel "doin' it". (I'm with the crew on this....eewwww. )
Magic Bullet To Go Review
I like this gem from the Original Magic Bullet Review:
"Here's an idea for a Magic Bullet recipe: Blend together some garlic, gin, and stale cigarette ash, and you'll have a good idea of what it's like to French kiss Hazel." (ewww..!)
On this same site, I found this goldmine! (I had no idea Richard Simmons was into dolls!)
...check out the review of "Lillian, Belle of the Ball".
Richard Simmons Dolls
Wow....just wow....This apparently is an actual product!
So it is this one.....(I haven't seen this product, but if the actual infomercial is anything like the review, then this is just sick.)
A review of "The Snuggie"
Now, this is just pathetic!!!!!! The Cathy Mitchell Fan Club
Scratch that....this is even MORE pathetic!!!! Magic Bullet Fan Fiction
Let's switch over to "real" tv.
How about some serious "Little House on The Prairie" debate? Did Alice Garvey really use Mary and Adam's baby as a battering ram to escape the Blind School fire? Did Sylvia getting raped by the clown cause YOU to be scared of clowns? Did you wonder why the "Big Hair" of the 1980's was the rage in the 1870's? Did it tick you off that Michael Landon recycled old Bonanza scripts into LHOTP episodes? Did it tick you off that the TV version of LHOTP was nothing like the actual books and did you wonder if Michael Landon actually READ the books before producing this show? Check out Laura's teeth in the first three seasons of LHOTP and compare them to the last two seasons. Now answer this question: Who owned the Little Orthodontist's Office on the Prairie?
These are among the many topics discussed: Little House on the Prairie Review comments
Here's one of my favorites; the episode recaps of 7th Heaven: Television Without Pity
Again, maybe it's just that my brother and I have a sick sense of humor. But after reading these sites, I don't think we are alone.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
My New Favorite Song!
Been sick, been busy, and been-jaminless (aka, no Benjamin updates.....yet.)
It's a catchy little tune that I just can't get out of my head.
It's a catchy little tune that I just can't get out of my head.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Kiddie Games
When I was a kid, we played all of the usual games. But sometimes we made up our own rules out of necessity or just because.
Take baseball, for instance. We never seemed to be able to round up enough kids to play a baseball game in someone's back yard. So we added certain "incentives". Usually, it went something like this:
"Your team can bat first."
"Well....I don't know. It's almost time for Officer Don's Clubhouse."
"OK...how 'bout you get four outs instead of three."
"Hmmmm...."
"Oh....come on! How 'bout you get four strikes to an out instead of three?"
"OK!............."
This usually worked for circumstances such as it was too hot outside, one team had one person less than the other, or the team you were on was crappy to begin with.
Then there were the "ghost men". Since usually each team might have only three players on it, you might be on base when it came your turn to bat. So what you had to do was call "ghost man" on whatever base you were on. If you got a hit, your ghost man automatically advanced to the next base. The downside was that you could never tag a ghost man out, because after all....he was a ghost man. (That rule really sucked.)
Monopoly
We loved playing Monopoly as kids....but the problem was that it took so long to play. One evening, my brothers and I started up a game. We set it up on our living room floor and began playing.
Well, before long, it came time for bed and we were no where NEAR finished with the game. So, we talked our mom into letting us leave the board out on the floor so we could pick up where we left off the next morning.
Off to bed we went. Did I mention that we had a little dog? Well, we did. Her name was Lady and she was housetrained.
However, for whatever reason she felt the need to "go" in the middle of the night after everyone had gone to bed. And she "went" right on Pennsylvania Railroad.
From that day forward, Pennsylvania Railroad became known as "Doo Doo Spot Railroad". I think the reason is fairly obvious.
And, if you were unfortunate enough to land on "Doo Doo Spot Railroad", you could buy it for $100 instead of the actual selling price of $200. After all, it was now considered to be distressed property.
Our Car Game
This one is loosely based on the car tag game.....very loosely!
OK....before I explain this one, let me just preface this one with a little bit of background. First off, I grew up in The South. (Note the capitalization.) Secondly, this was the 60's. Lastly, I grew up in an all white neighborhood and went to an all white school. (Do you sort of get where I'm going with this?)
The name of the game was "Gotcha!". My brothers and I kept our eyes peeled for people. The first rule was the people had to be black. The second rule was the minute you saw one, you held up your hand in a grabbing motion and whispered "Gotcha!". Whoever saw the person first was the one that got to claim "Gotcha!" Whoever had the most at the end of the trip, won. No prize involved....you just got bragging rights.
It wasn't the most politically correct game in the world, but let's face it. If you are a parent driving a nine year old, an eight year old, and a five year old on a two hour trip and they are contentedly playing a nice game of "Gotcha!" versus whining over who's on who's side, she's looking at me, asking if we are almost there every five minutes, make him stop kicking me.....I think that parent would gladly say "Hey kids. Why don't y'all play Gotcha for a little while."
Take baseball, for instance. We never seemed to be able to round up enough kids to play a baseball game in someone's back yard. So we added certain "incentives". Usually, it went something like this:
"Your team can bat first."
"Well....I don't know. It's almost time for Officer Don's Clubhouse."
"OK...how 'bout you get four outs instead of three."
"Hmmmm...."
"Oh....come on! How 'bout you get four strikes to an out instead of three?"
"OK!............."
This usually worked for circumstances such as it was too hot outside, one team had one person less than the other, or the team you were on was crappy to begin with.
Then there were the "ghost men". Since usually each team might have only three players on it, you might be on base when it came your turn to bat. So what you had to do was call "ghost man" on whatever base you were on. If you got a hit, your ghost man automatically advanced to the next base. The downside was that you could never tag a ghost man out, because after all....he was a ghost man. (That rule really sucked.)
Monopoly
We loved playing Monopoly as kids....but the problem was that it took so long to play. One evening, my brothers and I started up a game. We set it up on our living room floor and began playing.
Well, before long, it came time for bed and we were no where NEAR finished with the game. So, we talked our mom into letting us leave the board out on the floor so we could pick up where we left off the next morning.
Off to bed we went. Did I mention that we had a little dog? Well, we did. Her name was Lady and she was housetrained.
However, for whatever reason she felt the need to "go" in the middle of the night after everyone had gone to bed. And she "went" right on Pennsylvania Railroad.
From that day forward, Pennsylvania Railroad became known as "Doo Doo Spot Railroad". I think the reason is fairly obvious.
And, if you were unfortunate enough to land on "Doo Doo Spot Railroad", you could buy it for $100 instead of the actual selling price of $200. After all, it was now considered to be distressed property.
Our Car Game
This one is loosely based on the car tag game.....very loosely!
OK....before I explain this one, let me just preface this one with a little bit of background. First off, I grew up in The South. (Note the capitalization.) Secondly, this was the 60's. Lastly, I grew up in an all white neighborhood and went to an all white school. (Do you sort of get where I'm going with this?)
The name of the game was "Gotcha!". My brothers and I kept our eyes peeled for people. The first rule was the people had to be black. The second rule was the minute you saw one, you held up your hand in a grabbing motion and whispered "Gotcha!". Whoever saw the person first was the one that got to claim "Gotcha!" Whoever had the most at the end of the trip, won. No prize involved....you just got bragging rights.
It wasn't the most politically correct game in the world, but let's face it. If you are a parent driving a nine year old, an eight year old, and a five year old on a two hour trip and they are contentedly playing a nice game of "Gotcha!" versus whining over who's on who's side, she's looking at me, asking if we are almost there every five minutes, make him stop kicking me.....I think that parent would gladly say "Hey kids. Why don't y'all play Gotcha for a little while."
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Roundup
The Election
It's over. My guy didn't win. It's gonna be a L-O-N-G four years. Some wise person once said "Sometime's you have to suffer through a Jimmy Carter before you can get a Ronald Reagan."
My Thirty Year High School Reunion
I decided to go. My observations:
1. D@mn! Some of y'all got old!
2. No big surprises. Anyone that was in the closet stayed in or stayed home. Everyone that was a guy when I graduated was still a guy and everyone that was a girl when I graduated was still a girl.
3. To the organizers: Next time, you might want to consider not opening the cash bar until *AFTER* the class picture has been taken.
4. To the class picture photographer: I guess it was a good idea to take 6 pictures after all. (I was afraid to look....did Jimmy, Ray, and Randy really hang a moon in the last picture?)
5. Funniest Moment: When Roger nominated Larry as "Least Changed Female".
6. Best Surprise: Seeing Mrs. Kolter! Best English teacher ever and still just as sweet.
7. Huh?: I looked in the class directory and noticed the majority of addresses were in Acworth, Marietta, Hiram, Dallas, Douglasville. And the reunion was at the Hilton in NORCROSS????
8. What y'all waiting on?: To the few that are still living in Mableton and Austell, I have but one question. WHY?????
9. Second funniest moment: OK...this one takes some explaining. Two classmates had gotten married about 20 years ago and got divorced about 15 years ago. The guy was there with his current wife. Someone asked him if his ex was coming. He said, "I'll tell you EXACTLY what she told me. She said....and I quote.....I didn't like a lot of those folks when I was GOING to school so WHY would I want to PAY to see them now?" The person that asked the question said "Well, screw her!" Current wife says, "Why don't I call her so you can tell her in person?" Ex-husband agrees to it and gathers 20 or so people over while current wife dials the phone. Connie answers...Randy says "I'm here at the reunion and everyone here wants to tell you something" then holds up the phone. Crowd shouts "SCREW YOU!" (It was a joke....Connie thought it was hysterical....but I'm sure Randy and Dana will pay for it later.)
10. All in all.....I'm glad I went.
It's over. My guy didn't win. It's gonna be a L-O-N-G four years. Some wise person once said "Sometime's you have to suffer through a Jimmy Carter before you can get a Ronald Reagan."
My Thirty Year High School Reunion
I decided to go. My observations:
1. D@mn! Some of y'all got old!
2. No big surprises. Anyone that was in the closet stayed in or stayed home. Everyone that was a guy when I graduated was still a guy and everyone that was a girl when I graduated was still a girl.
3. To the organizers: Next time, you might want to consider not opening the cash bar until *AFTER* the class picture has been taken.
4. To the class picture photographer: I guess it was a good idea to take 6 pictures after all. (I was afraid to look....did Jimmy, Ray, and Randy really hang a moon in the last picture?)
5. Funniest Moment: When Roger nominated Larry as "Least Changed Female".
6. Best Surprise: Seeing Mrs. Kolter! Best English teacher ever and still just as sweet.
7. Huh?: I looked in the class directory and noticed the majority of addresses were in Acworth, Marietta, Hiram, Dallas, Douglasville. And the reunion was at the Hilton in NORCROSS????
8. What y'all waiting on?: To the few that are still living in Mableton and Austell, I have but one question. WHY?????
9. Second funniest moment: OK...this one takes some explaining. Two classmates had gotten married about 20 years ago and got divorced about 15 years ago. The guy was there with his current wife. Someone asked him if his ex was coming. He said, "I'll tell you EXACTLY what she told me. She said....and I quote.....I didn't like a lot of those folks when I was GOING to school so WHY would I want to PAY to see them now?" The person that asked the question said "Well, screw her!" Current wife says, "Why don't I call her so you can tell her in person?" Ex-husband agrees to it and gathers 20 or so people over while current wife dials the phone. Connie answers...Randy says "I'm here at the reunion and everyone here wants to tell you something" then holds up the phone. Crowd shouts "SCREW YOU!" (It was a joke....Connie thought it was hysterical....but I'm sure Randy and Dana will pay for it later.)
10. All in all.....I'm glad I went.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
The Deer Hunter
I have an uncle....(yes, it's the one I've spoken of MANY times). One of the things about him is that when he takes an interest in something, it becomes an obsession. An obsession to the point that it begins to become downright annoying to others.
That brings us to this story.
I was probably about 9 or 10 when Benny discovered deer hunting. On almost every visit we made to Elberton that year, Benny spent the bulk of it in the woods.
My grandparents had a spread of about 40 acres. They had about a five acre pasture, another couple acres of a yard, another acre or so was devoted to gardening and another few acres contained an orchard. The rest was wooded land. And this was where Benny began planning for the big day.....aka "The First Day of Deer Season."
He began early in the spring.....going deep down in the woods, looking for signs of deer. He would come back and describe in great detail his findings.
We heard about the marks on the trees where the bucks would come to scrape their antlers.
We heard about the tracks he saw and how far into the woods he had followed them.
We heard all about the deer crap he saw. He'd describe the color, the shape, the size, and whether it was fresh or not. He could tell us what the deer had for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and what he had been snacking on. All the stuff you really want to hear about at dinner.
Spring moved into summer, and then more astute planning began. Millet and salt licks were placed strategically around the places that had the most deer crap. According to Benny, it appeared as though there were about 5 or 6 regular visitors to this deer toilet in the woods.
How he determined that there were 5 or 6, I'm not sure because obviously DNA testing was not available at that time. So I just took his word for it.
Eventually, it came time to build the deer stand. This was BEFORE the concept of portable stands, so it involved lugging lumber and plywood deep into the woods and constructing a seat that would allow you to perch in a tree high enough to allow you to view into the surrounding woods and hopefully bag the big one.
This was something that could not be done alone. So, with the help (and bribery) of my brother and cousin, the deer stands were built. Note that I said stands as in plural. This was part of the bribery.
Benny could not build the deer stands alone. Since Ron and Fred were the only ones willing to help him, the only way they would do it was if they were allowed to go hunting with Benny. Keep in mind that they were both about 12 at the time.
Benny reluctantly agreed to this arrangement. He thought that it would work out ok. He figured that once he woke them up at 4am they would immediately roll over and go back to sleep. Even if they got up, when they realized that it was about 40 degrees, they'd run back in the house and pile back up in the bed.
But Benny underestimated 2 twelve year old boys that really, really wanted to go down in the woods to kill a deer.
As the day drew closer, the salt licks were removed. Guns were cleaned and ammunition was readied.
So, the day finally came. The evening before, Benny told the boys that they needed to be on the stand by 4:30. So they had to be dressed and ready to go by 4am.
It was going to be cold, so they had to dress warm. ALL preparations HAD to be done before they went to bed on Friday, because he wanted to leave just as soon as he got dressed. (He figured if he made it as uncomfortable for them as possible, they'd just say never mind....it didn't happen.)
So Saturday finally arrived. By 4am, Benny, Ron, and Fred were on their way to their deer stands.
Benny put Ron on his stand first, then he got Fred situated. Then he went back to the car, got his Thermos of coffee and his rifle, walked back down into the woods, climbed on his deer stand and waited.
Then off in the distance, he heard something.
He put down his coffee and listened.
"Benny" the voice said. Benny knew who it was and he decided to ignore it.
"Benny" the voice said, again. Only this time, it was a little more pathetic.
"Ronald," Benny whispered loudly. "Shut UP! You're going to scare the deer off."
"But, Benny.....I'm cold."
"Too bad. I told you and Freddie both last night this was the way it was going to be and this was EXACTLY why I didn't want y'all to come."
"OK.....so when do we get to go home?"
"Just be quiet.....OK?"
All was quiet....for about 5 minutes.
Then Benny heard something.
He put down his coffee and listened.
"Benny" the voice said.
"Benny" the voice said, again. This was even more pathetic than before.
"Good Lord! I give up! I'm taking BOTH of y'all home and I don't EVER want you to ask me to take you hunting again. Let's go get Freddie."
So, Benny stomped off into the woods, got Ron off his stand, and they walked along to where Fred's deer stand was. There was a problem, though. Fred was nowhere to be found.
Benny called him, but there was no answer. Dawn was just beginning to break. It was too far for Fred to have walked home and much too cold. They didn't know if Fred had just wandered off in the woods for a bathroom break or what. But it didn't matter because between both Fred and Ron, they had both really messed up the day that Benny had been waiting for for so long.
Benny told Ron they'd go to the car, get back to my grandparents' house to pick up my grandfather, then they'd have to come back DOWN to the woods to begin looking for Freddie. Benny was NOT happy.
They walked through the woods and finally came to the car.....which was running. Benny was quite pi$$ed at this point. Sound asleep, in the front seat, sat Fred.
Benny flung open the door. Fred woke up, and asked Benny if he had got a deer.
"NO!!!!! And just how long have you been in this car?"
"Oh...I don't know....about an hour or so," said Fred.
"Why weren't you on that deer stand?"
"Because it was cold! After you left me, I just climbed back down, walked back to the car and went to sleep."
"Look, I told both of y'all last night it was going to be cold, but both of you just insisted on coming. Why didn't you just stay home?"
Fred said "You said it was going to be cold, but you didn't say it was going to be THIS cold. If you had told us it was going to be REALLY cold, then we probably WOULD have stayed at home."
"That's right", Ron said. "So, it really is all YOUR fault."
Needless to say, Ron and Fred never again went on a hunting trip with Benny.
That brings us to this story.
I was probably about 9 or 10 when Benny discovered deer hunting. On almost every visit we made to Elberton that year, Benny spent the bulk of it in the woods.
My grandparents had a spread of about 40 acres. They had about a five acre pasture, another couple acres of a yard, another acre or so was devoted to gardening and another few acres contained an orchard. The rest was wooded land. And this was where Benny began planning for the big day.....aka "The First Day of Deer Season."
He began early in the spring.....going deep down in the woods, looking for signs of deer. He would come back and describe in great detail his findings.
We heard about the marks on the trees where the bucks would come to scrape their antlers.
We heard about the tracks he saw and how far into the woods he had followed them.
We heard all about the deer crap he saw. He'd describe the color, the shape, the size, and whether it was fresh or not. He could tell us what the deer had for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and what he had been snacking on. All the stuff you really want to hear about at dinner.
Spring moved into summer, and then more astute planning began. Millet and salt licks were placed strategically around the places that had the most deer crap. According to Benny, it appeared as though there were about 5 or 6 regular visitors to this deer toilet in the woods.
How he determined that there were 5 or 6, I'm not sure because obviously DNA testing was not available at that time. So I just took his word for it.
Eventually, it came time to build the deer stand. This was BEFORE the concept of portable stands, so it involved lugging lumber and plywood deep into the woods and constructing a seat that would allow you to perch in a tree high enough to allow you to view into the surrounding woods and hopefully bag the big one.
This was something that could not be done alone. So, with the help (and bribery) of my brother and cousin, the deer stands were built. Note that I said stands as in plural. This was part of the bribery.
Benny could not build the deer stands alone. Since Ron and Fred were the only ones willing to help him, the only way they would do it was if they were allowed to go hunting with Benny. Keep in mind that they were both about 12 at the time.
Benny reluctantly agreed to this arrangement. He thought that it would work out ok. He figured that once he woke them up at 4am they would immediately roll over and go back to sleep. Even if they got up, when they realized that it was about 40 degrees, they'd run back in the house and pile back up in the bed.
But Benny underestimated 2 twelve year old boys that really, really wanted to go down in the woods to kill a deer.
As the day drew closer, the salt licks were removed. Guns were cleaned and ammunition was readied.
So, the day finally came. The evening before, Benny told the boys that they needed to be on the stand by 4:30. So they had to be dressed and ready to go by 4am.
It was going to be cold, so they had to dress warm. ALL preparations HAD to be done before they went to bed on Friday, because he wanted to leave just as soon as he got dressed. (He figured if he made it as uncomfortable for them as possible, they'd just say never mind....it didn't happen.)
So Saturday finally arrived. By 4am, Benny, Ron, and Fred were on their way to their deer stands.
Benny put Ron on his stand first, then he got Fred situated. Then he went back to the car, got his Thermos of coffee and his rifle, walked back down into the woods, climbed on his deer stand and waited.
Then off in the distance, he heard something.
He put down his coffee and listened.
"Benny" the voice said. Benny knew who it was and he decided to ignore it.
"Benny" the voice said, again. Only this time, it was a little more pathetic.
"Ronald," Benny whispered loudly. "Shut UP! You're going to scare the deer off."
"But, Benny.....I'm cold."
"Too bad. I told you and Freddie both last night this was the way it was going to be and this was EXACTLY why I didn't want y'all to come."
"OK.....so when do we get to go home?"
"Just be quiet.....OK?"
All was quiet....for about 5 minutes.
Then Benny heard something.
He put down his coffee and listened.
"Benny" the voice said.
"Benny" the voice said, again. This was even more pathetic than before.
"Good Lord! I give up! I'm taking BOTH of y'all home and I don't EVER want you to ask me to take you hunting again. Let's go get Freddie."
So, Benny stomped off into the woods, got Ron off his stand, and they walked along to where Fred's deer stand was. There was a problem, though. Fred was nowhere to be found.
Benny called him, but there was no answer. Dawn was just beginning to break. It was too far for Fred to have walked home and much too cold. They didn't know if Fred had just wandered off in the woods for a bathroom break or what. But it didn't matter because between both Fred and Ron, they had both really messed up the day that Benny had been waiting for for so long.
Benny told Ron they'd go to the car, get back to my grandparents' house to pick up my grandfather, then they'd have to come back DOWN to the woods to begin looking for Freddie. Benny was NOT happy.
They walked through the woods and finally came to the car.....which was running. Benny was quite pi$$ed at this point. Sound asleep, in the front seat, sat Fred.
Benny flung open the door. Fred woke up, and asked Benny if he had got a deer.
"NO!!!!! And just how long have you been in this car?"
"Oh...I don't know....about an hour or so," said Fred.
"Why weren't you on that deer stand?"
"Because it was cold! After you left me, I just climbed back down, walked back to the car and went to sleep."
"Look, I told both of y'all last night it was going to be cold, but both of you just insisted on coming. Why didn't you just stay home?"
Fred said "You said it was going to be cold, but you didn't say it was going to be THIS cold. If you had told us it was going to be REALLY cold, then we probably WOULD have stayed at home."
"That's right", Ron said. "So, it really is all YOUR fault."
Needless to say, Ron and Fred never again went on a hunting trip with Benny.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Chick Flicks.....A Girl With A Guy Mentality
An Affair to Remember
Terms of Endearment
Steel Magnolias
Sleepless in Seattle
Fried Green Tomatoes
Dirty Dancing
Pretty Woman
Imitation of Life
They all have one thing in common. They are all "chick flicks".
I remember the first time I saw each of them. It wasn't in the theatre when they were first released. It was YEARS later after they had already been on VHF, DVD, released on cable, etc.
I also remember how I felt after seeing each of them. I think it was something like "So?" After all the big buildup from friends, reviews, etc., I just didn't "get it".
I know some women that build their lives around these movies.
Cold and rainy weekend? Curl up with "Dirty Dancing".
Husband out of town? Watch "Pretty Woman", "Steel Magnolias", and "Fried Green Tomatoes".
PMS? See if "Thelma and Louise" is on.
Ticked off with husband/boyfriend? Watch "You've Got Mail" or "Sleepless in Seattle".....or "Thelma and Louise" if you're REALLY ticked.
So then I started thinking about the movies that I *DO* like. The ones that I make it a point to watch whenever they are on TV.
Cool Hand Luke: It's got everything. Prison and Paul Newman. Also, John-Boy Walton's daddy is in it. Wayne Rogers too!
Best part: When Luke bets that he can eat 50 eggs.
Saddest part: When Luke's mama dies and he has to go in the box.
Second saddest part: Luke picking the banjo and singing "Plastic Jesus" after his mama dies.
Favorite part: When Luke escapes from prison, he hears the dogs coming, and he gets two boys to get pepper so he can sprinkle it around for the dogs to inhale.
The Entire Dirty Harry Series: It's got guns and Clint Eastwood. Did I mention it has guns? And Clint Eastwood?
Best part: When Harry shoots somebody.
Favorite part: When Harry shoots somebody.
Funniest part: When Harry shoots somebody.
Bronco Billy: Another Clint Eastwood picture. It's different.
Favorite line:
Antoinette Lilly: Have you ever been married?
Bronco Billy : Sure. A long time ago.
AL: Did you love her?
BB: With all my heart. Sometimes that just isn't enough.
AL: What happened?
BB: I caught her in bed with my best friend.
AL: What did you do to him?
BB: I shot her.
AL: What! What about him?
BB: He was my best friend!
Escape from Alcatraz: Eastwood in Prison. What can I say? (Also....I think Frank Morris actually DID escape.)
Well.....let's just go ahead and say anything with Clint Eastwood is on my favorite movie list. Wait.....there is one exception. "The Bridges of Madison County. It's a chick flick. And I didn't "get it." I'm not sure what Clint was thinking there.
Patton: Patton kicked a$$. The military needs more Pattons.
Barbarella: If you want a great laugh, watch Barbarella. I bet Jane Fonda wishes she could just burn that film. Several years ago I saw her walking down the hall at Kennesaw University. She was supposed to give a lecture and they were having to BEG people to go listen to her. Sorry, but that's what she gets for going to Vietnam and having her picture taken sitting on enemy aircraft. People don't forget about things like that. One surprise, though. In person, she's TINY!!!!
The Entire Lethal Weapon Series: Guns and Mel Gibson.
Caddyshack: I love the Baby Ruth in the swimming pool scene.
Porky's: It's rude, crude, and lewd. My favorite part is the day after the shower scene when Balbricker suggests to the principal that perhaps they should get a police sketch artist in so that she could describe....well never mind. Just see the movie.
To Kill A Mockingbird: The only one that could possibly be classified as a chick flick. It was the first "real" movie that I had ever seen. By "real", I mean the first time I saw it I was about eight years old and it didn't have a cartoon character in it. I read the book every fall; for some reason, it just seems like a good fall book. My favorite part is at the very end, when the sheriff starts asking Scout about the attack on her and Jem and she realizes that the person that saved them is hiding behind the door.....and she realizes that it is Boo Radley. For some reason, I cry at that part every single time. Best Gregory Peck movie, ever.
The Bad Seed: The original black and white version....not the Blair Brown version. The original movie is so bad, it's funny. Plus the scenes with LeRoy, the handy man are just priceless! Especially when he describes the electric chair that is used for bad children.
Terms of Endearment
Steel Magnolias
Sleepless in Seattle
Fried Green Tomatoes
Dirty Dancing
Pretty Woman
Imitation of Life
They all have one thing in common. They are all "chick flicks".
I remember the first time I saw each of them. It wasn't in the theatre when they were first released. It was YEARS later after they had already been on VHF, DVD, released on cable, etc.
I also remember how I felt after seeing each of them. I think it was something like "So?" After all the big buildup from friends, reviews, etc., I just didn't "get it".
I know some women that build their lives around these movies.
Cold and rainy weekend? Curl up with "Dirty Dancing".
Husband out of town? Watch "Pretty Woman", "Steel Magnolias", and "Fried Green Tomatoes".
PMS? See if "Thelma and Louise" is on.
Ticked off with husband/boyfriend? Watch "You've Got Mail" or "Sleepless in Seattle".....or "Thelma and Louise" if you're REALLY ticked.
So then I started thinking about the movies that I *DO* like. The ones that I make it a point to watch whenever they are on TV.
Cool Hand Luke: It's got everything. Prison and Paul Newman. Also, John-Boy Walton's daddy is in it. Wayne Rogers too!
Best part: When Luke bets that he can eat 50 eggs.
Saddest part: When Luke's mama dies and he has to go in the box.
Second saddest part: Luke picking the banjo and singing "Plastic Jesus" after his mama dies.
Favorite part: When Luke escapes from prison, he hears the dogs coming, and he gets two boys to get pepper so he can sprinkle it around for the dogs to inhale.
The Entire Dirty Harry Series: It's got guns and Clint Eastwood. Did I mention it has guns? And Clint Eastwood?
Best part: When Harry shoots somebody.
Favorite part: When Harry shoots somebody.
Funniest part: When Harry shoots somebody.
Bronco Billy: Another Clint Eastwood picture. It's different.
Favorite line:
Antoinette Lilly: Have you ever been married?
Bronco Billy : Sure. A long time ago.
AL: Did you love her?
BB: With all my heart. Sometimes that just isn't enough.
AL: What happened?
BB: I caught her in bed with my best friend.
AL: What did you do to him?
BB: I shot her.
AL: What! What about him?
BB: He was my best friend!
Escape from Alcatraz: Eastwood in Prison. What can I say? (Also....I think Frank Morris actually DID escape.)
Well.....let's just go ahead and say anything with Clint Eastwood is on my favorite movie list. Wait.....there is one exception. "The Bridges of Madison County. It's a chick flick. And I didn't "get it." I'm not sure what Clint was thinking there.
Patton: Patton kicked a$$. The military needs more Pattons.
Barbarella: If you want a great laugh, watch Barbarella. I bet Jane Fonda wishes she could just burn that film. Several years ago I saw her walking down the hall at Kennesaw University. She was supposed to give a lecture and they were having to BEG people to go listen to her. Sorry, but that's what she gets for going to Vietnam and having her picture taken sitting on enemy aircraft. People don't forget about things like that. One surprise, though. In person, she's TINY!!!!
The Entire Lethal Weapon Series: Guns and Mel Gibson.
Caddyshack: I love the Baby Ruth in the swimming pool scene.
Porky's: It's rude, crude, and lewd. My favorite part is the day after the shower scene when Balbricker suggests to the principal that perhaps they should get a police sketch artist in so that she could describe....well never mind. Just see the movie.
To Kill A Mockingbird: The only one that could possibly be classified as a chick flick. It was the first "real" movie that I had ever seen. By "real", I mean the first time I saw it I was about eight years old and it didn't have a cartoon character in it. I read the book every fall; for some reason, it just seems like a good fall book. My favorite part is at the very end, when the sheriff starts asking Scout about the attack on her and Jem and she realizes that the person that saved them is hiding behind the door.....and she realizes that it is Boo Radley. For some reason, I cry at that part every single time. Best Gregory Peck movie, ever.
The Bad Seed: The original black and white version....not the Blair Brown version. The original movie is so bad, it's funny. Plus the scenes with LeRoy, the handy man are just priceless! Especially when he describes the electric chair that is used for bad children.
Friday, October 24, 2008
The Legend of Bumpers
Prologue:
Once upon a time, in the mid to late 80's, there was a bar located in the corner of Akers Mill Shopping Center. It was known as Bumpers. It was your basic, run of the mill bar. At that time, this bar did what ever other bar did to try to attract patrons: they had a ladies night and two for 1 drinks.
This is the story of five co-workers and their adventures at Bumpers.
Story:
At this particular time, I was working for a software company on Fulton Industrial Boulevard. Our office consisted of roughly 30 or so employees. More than half of the staff were between 19 and 30 years old. Most of the employees in this age range were either programmers or customer support specialists.
I was in my mid 20's at the time and single.
Steve was a programmer that sat at the table next to mine. He was a few years older than I, had recently gone through a nasty divorce, and as he put it, "moved from Indiana to Georgia to get away from that *itch." He was a nice enough guy and loved good practical jokes, so he and I got along great.
Andra was another programmer. To be perfectly honest, I think she was in the wrong profession. She would have made a great "bad guy" lady wrestler or one of those mean ladies on the Roller Derby. She was about 6 foot 2, a couple years older than I, she had a perpetual scowl, and had absolutely no sense of humor. Steve said she had a terminal case of PMS. Because of that, she made an ideal practical joke victim. She was single. Steve and I could never figure out why.
Cindi was a computer operator. She was about five feet tall and married. Keith (another programmer) always said that she was about as useful as "t*ts on a bore hog". Keith had a way of cutting through the crap. Cindi was nice and for whatever reason, she and Andra became buddies.
Becky was a customer support rep. Becky was what we called "ditzy" and she lived in her own little world. She was single and lived with her brother at Riverbend apartments. When I say she was single, she was a "swinging single". By that I mean when I left work, I went home. When Becky left work, her day was just beginning. She might go to the gym, and after that go out to eat, and after that go see a movie, and after that, stop by a bar, and after all of that, THEN go home. Then get up a few hours later and do a repeat.
Becky's brother Dan was something else. He was good looking, but in an odd sort of way. He had brown hair that was afro-ed up (that was the style then) and he had sort of a funny looking nose. It kind of gave his face "character".
Unlike Becky, Dan did not have a steady job; he worked at whatever he could get and even then it was only when he got tired of Becky nagging him that she was having to pay all the bills. In the time that I knew him, he had worked hanging drywall, painting, mowing lawns, and managed a stripper.
He would work for a few weeks at a given job and "something" would happen (although it was NEVER Dan's fault) and he would quit (or get fired) and he would take some time off to "clear his head". "Time off" would be several months; Becky would begin telling him to get a job, and he would begin a new career. Eventually, he began a career at Bumpers and that was how we all became acquainted with this place.
Becky made it a point to tell everyone that Dan was working at Bumpers and we should all stop in sometime. I think part of the reason was since Dan was tending bar, we'd be tipping, and hopefully she could recover whatever money he owed her faster.
Bumpers eventually decided to do something to draw a crowd. They began having a "Ladies Night 2-Fer" on Thursdays.....along with Chippendale's type dancers. These dancers weren't real live Chippendale's guys.....these were the male employees of Bumpers that were good looking enough to pass for Chippendale's guys with dancing abilities.
Andra had somewhat of a crush on Dan, so she conned Cindi into going over to Bumpers one night. Steve and I heard all about it (more than we wanted to) the next day.
Shortly thereafter, Andra and Cindi became regular Thursday night patrons of Bumpers. They made it a point to let us all know that they were on a first name basis with ALL of the dancers, they had their own reserved table, the waiters knew what they drank and they kept their drinks coming. They also had to let us know how much they had to drink, how drunk they got, and how bad of a hangover they had on Friday. Not that either of us cared, but for some reason, they felt the need to tell us.
Keep in mind, Andra was already a *itch.....a drunk or hungover Andra was a *itch on steroids.
One Thursday, on the spur of the moment, Steve and I decided to play spy. We decided to go to Bumpers just to see these two in action. We left work early, got a bite to eat, then went over to Bumpers so that we could get a table where we would not be seen, but we could see all the action.
When we went in, we saw a table marked as "Reserved", so we got a booth across the room so we could see the action.
In a little while, Andra and Cindi walked in carrying two large bags. They sat at the reserved table and began unloading their stash. They apparently had stopped at a store and had bought bags of candy. Lots of candy.
Steve and I just looked at each other, then looked at them. Then we heard Andra yell out "Hey Kelly....I bought your favorites!" A muscular, blond guy in a tight tshirt and tight black pants walked over and looked at the candy. He spoke with Andra and Cindi, selected several pieces of candy, then said he had to get ready and left.
Andra then called out "Yoo-hoo! Dan! I bought you some Almond Joys."
Steve looked at me; I looked at Steve and said "My God. They brought bait."
Steve laughed and said "You know what? That really is a little sick when you think about it. Come here little boy.....I have candy."
We sat there and watched as dancers came out of the woodwork. As soon as one appeared, Andra would call him just like a hunter calling a turkey and give him some candy. Eventually, word got out to everyone that Andra and Cindi had candy.
Andra and Cindi reminded me of hunters that leave the feeders out for deer. The deer come up to the feeders and eat corn all summer long. A few days before hunting season, the hunters take the feeders away. The deer shows up looking for the corn. Then on Saturday morning, first day of hunting season....KABLOOEE!!
The deer "gets it", the meat winds up in the freezer and the head winds up above the hunter's fireplace.
Andra and Cindi were baiting a field; Steve and I felt sorry for these unsuspecting deer....I mean dancers.
Around 9 or so, they announced that the "show" was about to start.
Andra and Cindi opened their purses in unison and they each drew out a stack of bills. There had to be at least 100 bills between the two of them on that table.
The lights went down, techno-disco music began playing, and strobe lights began flashing.
The announcer yelled "Ladies.....Get Down with Jack Hammer" as this guy appeared out of nowhere, bumping and grinding all over the place. He'd see a woman, gyrate in front of her until she stuffed a buck in his shorts, then he'd go over to another woman.
I told Steve that if he came over to our booth, that I wanted Steve to jump up and stuff a buck in his shorts because I thought it would be funny. Steve didn't.
JAck worked his way over to Andra and Cindi's table, did his little gyration in front of each of them, and they each stuffed a buck in his shorts. As he danced away, Andra yelled "Wait!!"
He danced and gyrated back to her table. Steve said "Don't tell me she's calling him back so she can dig for change." (That caused me to choke on my Coke!)
Instead...she apparently had requested a longer "viewing" and for every minute he danced in front of them, he got a buck....and in return, they each got a kiss.....and not on the cheek!
Steve yelled out "NOOO!!!! DON'T DO IT!!!", but no one heard because the music was so loud.
Now, think about this for a minute. You've got a guy that is dancing and gyrating around in a bar filled with about 60 women.....and about 75% or more of them are going to be stuffing dollars in his shorts and giving EACH ONE these women kisses....and not on the cheek! Now multiply that by about five or six dancers and what do you get? A plethera of undiscovered germs and diseases just waiting to be placed into a petri dish and whisked off to the CDC to become a new and exciting STD.
Eventually, the dancer danced himself out.
Then the announcer yelled out "Give it up for Rod Steel!" Becky's brother jumped across the bar, ripped off his tshirt, ripped up his pants to reveal black bikini underwear, and began to dance and gyrate just like his pal "Jack Hammer" had done earlier. Steve and I watched in amazement as Andra and Cindi began stuffing bills in Dan...er I mean Rod's shorts. This routine went on and on.
We watched "Anaconda", "The Hose", and "Buck Bone" perform the same routine. When the announcer called out for "Vick the Stick", Steve and I decided it was time to leave.
Epilogue:
That was our first and last visit to Bumpers. Shortly thereafter, Cindi got a divorce, Andra got fired, Dan aka "Rod Steel" quit (or got fired depending on who was telling the story) and began a new career managing his stripper/girlfriend, and Bumpers was sold and became something else.
Another software company bought the company that Steve, Becky, and I worked for and we began working for them.
As for "Jack Hammer", "Anaconda", "The Hose", "Buck Bone", and "Vick the Stick", who knows? It's been 20 years, so maybe they are all now Wall Street financiers, stockbrokers, doctors, or lawyers.
Can you imagine? "Paging Dr. Bone. Dr. Buck Bone(snicker, snicker)....you're wanted in surgery STAT."
Naaaa........
Once upon a time, in the mid to late 80's, there was a bar located in the corner of Akers Mill Shopping Center. It was known as Bumpers. It was your basic, run of the mill bar. At that time, this bar did what ever other bar did to try to attract patrons: they had a ladies night and two for 1 drinks.
This is the story of five co-workers and their adventures at Bumpers.
Story:
At this particular time, I was working for a software company on Fulton Industrial Boulevard. Our office consisted of roughly 30 or so employees. More than half of the staff were between 19 and 30 years old. Most of the employees in this age range were either programmers or customer support specialists.
I was in my mid 20's at the time and single.
Steve was a programmer that sat at the table next to mine. He was a few years older than I, had recently gone through a nasty divorce, and as he put it, "moved from Indiana to Georgia to get away from that *itch." He was a nice enough guy and loved good practical jokes, so he and I got along great.
Andra was another programmer. To be perfectly honest, I think she was in the wrong profession. She would have made a great "bad guy" lady wrestler or one of those mean ladies on the Roller Derby. She was about 6 foot 2, a couple years older than I, she had a perpetual scowl, and had absolutely no sense of humor. Steve said she had a terminal case of PMS. Because of that, she made an ideal practical joke victim. She was single. Steve and I could never figure out why.
Cindi was a computer operator. She was about five feet tall and married. Keith (another programmer) always said that she was about as useful as "t*ts on a bore hog". Keith had a way of cutting through the crap. Cindi was nice and for whatever reason, she and Andra became buddies.
Becky was a customer support rep. Becky was what we called "ditzy" and she lived in her own little world. She was single and lived with her brother at Riverbend apartments. When I say she was single, she was a "swinging single". By that I mean when I left work, I went home. When Becky left work, her day was just beginning. She might go to the gym, and after that go out to eat, and after that go see a movie, and after that, stop by a bar, and after all of that, THEN go home. Then get up a few hours later and do a repeat.
Becky's brother Dan was something else. He was good looking, but in an odd sort of way. He had brown hair that was afro-ed up (that was the style then) and he had sort of a funny looking nose. It kind of gave his face "character".
Unlike Becky, Dan did not have a steady job; he worked at whatever he could get and even then it was only when he got tired of Becky nagging him that she was having to pay all the bills. In the time that I knew him, he had worked hanging drywall, painting, mowing lawns, and managed a stripper.
He would work for a few weeks at a given job and "something" would happen (although it was NEVER Dan's fault) and he would quit (or get fired) and he would take some time off to "clear his head". "Time off" would be several months; Becky would begin telling him to get a job, and he would begin a new career. Eventually, he began a career at Bumpers and that was how we all became acquainted with this place.
Becky made it a point to tell everyone that Dan was working at Bumpers and we should all stop in sometime. I think part of the reason was since Dan was tending bar, we'd be tipping, and hopefully she could recover whatever money he owed her faster.
Bumpers eventually decided to do something to draw a crowd. They began having a "Ladies Night 2-Fer" on Thursdays.....along with Chippendale's type dancers. These dancers weren't real live Chippendale's guys.....these were the male employees of Bumpers that were good looking enough to pass for Chippendale's guys with dancing abilities.
Andra had somewhat of a crush on Dan, so she conned Cindi into going over to Bumpers one night. Steve and I heard all about it (more than we wanted to) the next day.
Shortly thereafter, Andra and Cindi became regular Thursday night patrons of Bumpers. They made it a point to let us all know that they were on a first name basis with ALL of the dancers, they had their own reserved table, the waiters knew what they drank and they kept their drinks coming. They also had to let us know how much they had to drink, how drunk they got, and how bad of a hangover they had on Friday. Not that either of us cared, but for some reason, they felt the need to tell us.
Keep in mind, Andra was already a *itch.....a drunk or hungover Andra was a *itch on steroids.
One Thursday, on the spur of the moment, Steve and I decided to play spy. We decided to go to Bumpers just to see these two in action. We left work early, got a bite to eat, then went over to Bumpers so that we could get a table where we would not be seen, but we could see all the action.
When we went in, we saw a table marked as "Reserved", so we got a booth across the room so we could see the action.
In a little while, Andra and Cindi walked in carrying two large bags. They sat at the reserved table and began unloading their stash. They apparently had stopped at a store and had bought bags of candy. Lots of candy.
Steve and I just looked at each other, then looked at them. Then we heard Andra yell out "Hey Kelly....I bought your favorites!" A muscular, blond guy in a tight tshirt and tight black pants walked over and looked at the candy. He spoke with Andra and Cindi, selected several pieces of candy, then said he had to get ready and left.
Andra then called out "Yoo-hoo! Dan! I bought you some Almond Joys."
Steve looked at me; I looked at Steve and said "My God. They brought bait."
Steve laughed and said "You know what? That really is a little sick when you think about it. Come here little boy.....I have candy."
We sat there and watched as dancers came out of the woodwork. As soon as one appeared, Andra would call him just like a hunter calling a turkey and give him some candy. Eventually, word got out to everyone that Andra and Cindi had candy.
Andra and Cindi reminded me of hunters that leave the feeders out for deer. The deer come up to the feeders and eat corn all summer long. A few days before hunting season, the hunters take the feeders away. The deer shows up looking for the corn. Then on Saturday morning, first day of hunting season....KABLOOEE!!
The deer "gets it", the meat winds up in the freezer and the head winds up above the hunter's fireplace.
Andra and Cindi were baiting a field; Steve and I felt sorry for these unsuspecting deer....I mean dancers.
Around 9 or so, they announced that the "show" was about to start.
Andra and Cindi opened their purses in unison and they each drew out a stack of bills. There had to be at least 100 bills between the two of them on that table.
The lights went down, techno-disco music began playing, and strobe lights began flashing.
The announcer yelled "Ladies.....Get Down with Jack Hammer" as this guy appeared out of nowhere, bumping and grinding all over the place. He'd see a woman, gyrate in front of her until she stuffed a buck in his shorts, then he'd go over to another woman.
I told Steve that if he came over to our booth, that I wanted Steve to jump up and stuff a buck in his shorts because I thought it would be funny. Steve didn't.
JAck worked his way over to Andra and Cindi's table, did his little gyration in front of each of them, and they each stuffed a buck in his shorts. As he danced away, Andra yelled "Wait!!"
He danced and gyrated back to her table. Steve said "Don't tell me she's calling him back so she can dig for change." (That caused me to choke on my Coke!)
Instead...she apparently had requested a longer "viewing" and for every minute he danced in front of them, he got a buck....and in return, they each got a kiss.....and not on the cheek!
Steve yelled out "NOOO!!!! DON'T DO IT!!!", but no one heard because the music was so loud.
Now, think about this for a minute. You've got a guy that is dancing and gyrating around in a bar filled with about 60 women.....and about 75% or more of them are going to be stuffing dollars in his shorts and giving EACH ONE these women kisses....and not on the cheek! Now multiply that by about five or six dancers and what do you get? A plethera of undiscovered germs and diseases just waiting to be placed into a petri dish and whisked off to the CDC to become a new and exciting STD.
Eventually, the dancer danced himself out.
Then the announcer yelled out "Give it up for Rod Steel!" Becky's brother jumped across the bar, ripped off his tshirt, ripped up his pants to reveal black bikini underwear, and began to dance and gyrate just like his pal "Jack Hammer" had done earlier. Steve and I watched in amazement as Andra and Cindi began stuffing bills in Dan...er I mean Rod's shorts. This routine went on and on.
We watched "Anaconda", "The Hose", and "Buck Bone" perform the same routine. When the announcer called out for "Vick the Stick", Steve and I decided it was time to leave.
Epilogue:
That was our first and last visit to Bumpers. Shortly thereafter, Cindi got a divorce, Andra got fired, Dan aka "Rod Steel" quit (or got fired depending on who was telling the story) and began a new career managing his stripper/girlfriend, and Bumpers was sold and became something else.
Another software company bought the company that Steve, Becky, and I worked for and we began working for them.
As for "Jack Hammer", "Anaconda", "The Hose", "Buck Bone", and "Vick the Stick", who knows? It's been 20 years, so maybe they are all now Wall Street financiers, stockbrokers, doctors, or lawyers.
Can you imagine? "Paging Dr. Bone. Dr. Buck Bone(snicker, snicker)....you're wanted in surgery STAT."
Naaaa........
Monday, October 20, 2008
Rockmart, Paulding County or Polk County?
I already had my topic for tonight all planned out. But I made the mistake of going to paulding.com first to see what was going on in my hood.
I swear.....these people really scare me. They procreate.....and they vote.
Here is an actual conversation that took place on the message board regarding the upcoming election.
I swear.....these people really scare me. They procreate.....and they vote.
Here is an actual conversation that took place on the message board regarding the upcoming election.
Voter: I just registered to vote in Georgia. Received my card in the mail on Saturday. Do you have to go to your polling precinct to vote? My sons school is a voting precinct and it is less than 2 min from my house, but my card has me at an address in Rockmart which is at least 20 min away. Thanks to anyone that knows the answer.
Paulding Resident #1: I believe you have to go to the location that is on your card.
Paulding Resident #2: I have a question.Do you live in Paulding or Polk County?Isn't Rockmart Polk County?Why if you live in Paulding would you vote in Polk.Just asking.
Paulding Resident #1: Rockmart is in both counties
Voter: I have no idea. I live in Paulding county and my address is Dallas.
Paulding Resident #2: But would her ballot contain issues pertaining to Paulding or Polk?This is very interesting to me. I'm sorry but this has me confused.You can't send a child across county line to school,how do you vote across county lines.I think it's a mistake,but that's just me.
Stop the story for a minute......
OK....just to clarify here. We have several towns out here that are located in Paulding as well as a neighboring county. Powder Springs is located in Cobb County as well as Paulding County. Rockmart is located in Paulding and Polk Counties. Acworth is located in Cobb and Paulding Counties. Don't know why....it just is. And it's not just isolated to Georgia. Our lake house is located in Fair Play, South Carolina. Fair Play is located in Oconee and Anderson Counties.
Picking back up with the story.......
Paulding Resident #1: She lives in Paulding and her polling place is in Paulding. (Rockmart addresses are located in both counties.)
Paulding Resident #3: I wonder why they have you voting in Rockmart? did you use to live there?
Paulding Resident #4: Down here, we have Rockmart, Temple, and Dallas addresses ... all within a stone's throw of each other. I believe the voting breakdown/map for this area is done the way it is because the school is so small and it is hard to get too many people through there for voting.
Paulding Resident #5: We live in Villa Rica but, it's still Paulding County. People automatically think Carroll County.
Paudling Resident #6: Here's some info for voting in Paulding, but like the others, I don't understand why they are sending you to Rockmart, unless that's where you HAVE to vote. Polk County will have different ballots. If your card says Rockmart, then you have to vote in Polk County. Call the registrar's office and find out where early voting is for Polk County.
Paulding Resident #1: Once again ... there are Rockmart addresses in Paulding County.
Paulding Resident #6: Once again, if her card says she has to vote in Rockmart, that's Polk County. She will have to vote in Polk County using a Polk County ballot. I understand the address thing, it's everywhere, but if she lives in Polk with a Dallas address then she has to vote in Polk.
Paulding Resident #1: Her voting location is a Rockmart address within Paulding County. She lives in Paulding County.
Paulding Resident #5: People you have to remember, just because your address says a city doesn't mean you live in that city. I would think the proper way to describe it would be this way. I live in Paulding County with a (city) address. Therefore, one can "live" in Villa Rica but vote in Paulding because that is where you live. It doesn't have anything to do with the city on your address but it has everything to do with the county. The post office that delivers your mail and only delivers your mail has nothing to do with what county you vote in or what things you vote on. I'm sure you will vote on your county issues and if you don't then you can complain.
Paulding Resident #7: Gawd, you people amaze me!!!!!
Paulding Resident #3: I would call and ask. I assume you live in Paulding County and Rockmart (at least most of it) is in Polk County, just to make certain they haver you at the correct polling place.
Paulding Resident #6: Maybe I'm a little dense here, but I'm seeing her say that her card, and I'm assuming her voter registration card, has her in Rockmart. Rockmart is in Polk county. I don't care what her address is, what matters is what her voter registeration card says. Am I missing something here? (uhh....yeah. A brain!!!!!)
Paulding Resident #3: But the ballot will be a Polk County ballot and she would not get to vote for Paulding County offices.
Someone with an actual brain:
Okay, folks, here are the voting precincts for PAULDING COUNTY.
ELECTION INFORMATION
The names and addresses of the Paulding County Voting Precincts are as follows:
Precinct 1 Paulding County High School, 1297 Villa Rica Highway, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 2 Herschel Jones Middle School, 100 Stadium Drive, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 3 Moses Middle School, 1066 Old Country Farm Road, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 4 McGarity Elementary School, 262 Old Rakestraw Mill Road, Hiram, Ga.
Precinct 5 Hiram Elementary School, 200 Seaboard Avenue, Hiram, Ga.
Precinct 6 P. B. Ritch Elementary School, 140 Bethel Church Road, Hiram, Ga.
Precinct 7 South Paulding Middle School, 592 Nebo Road, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 8 Union Elementary School, 206 Highway 101 South, Temple, Ga.
Precinct 9 Beulahland Baptist Church, 229 Pleasant Grove Road, Rockmart, Ga.
Precinct 10 Burnt Hickory Fire Station, 7651 Cartersville Highway, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 11 Shelton Elementary School, 1531 Cedarcrest Road, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 12 East Paulding High School, 3320 East Paulding Drive, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 13 Northside Elementary School, 2223 Cartersville Highway, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 14 Nebo Elementary School, 2843 Nebo Road, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 15 J. A. Dobbins Middle School, 637 Williams Lake Rd., Powder Spgs., Ga.
Precinct 16 Bessie Baggett Elementary, 948 Williams Lake Rd., Powder Spgs., Ga.
Precinct 17 New Georgia Baptist Church, 6092 Mulberry Rock Road, Villa Rica, Ga.
Precinct 18 Allgood Elementary School, 312 Hart Road, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 19 Hiram High School, 702 Virgie Ballentine Drive, Hiram, Ga.
Precinct 20 C. A. Roberts Elementary, 1833 Mt. Tabor Church Road, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 21 Senator’s Ridge Clubhouse, Dabbs Bridge Road, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 22 Roland W. Russom Elementary School, 40 Old Dallas-Acworth Hwy.,
Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 23 East Paulding Middle School, 2945 Hiram Acworth Hwy., Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 24 Dallas Library, 1010 East Memorial Drive, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 25 Lillian C. Poole Elementary, 1002 Wayside Lane, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 26 Pickett’s Mill Baptist Church, 7147 Hiram Acworth Hwy., Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 27 Austin Middle School, 3490 Ridge Road, Douglasville, Ga.
PLEASE NOTE THE FOLLOWING CHANGES: Beulahland Baptist Church
replaces Yorkville Baptist Church as a voting precinct and New Georgia Baptist
Church replaces New Georgia Elementary School as a voting precinct.
To confirm election dates, polling locations and other election information visit the
Secretary of State website at www.sos.state.ga.us/elections. Note: At the Secretary of
State Website, you can obtain directions to your voting precinct.
If you have any questions regarding any Election, please do not hesitate to contact the
Probate Judge and Election Superintendent, Deborah Andersen, at (770) 443-7541. You
may also visit my office located at 25 Courthouse Square, Room 102, Dallas, Georgia.
As you can see - there are many different addresses (Rockmart, Powder Springs, Villa Rica, etc.) but ALL of these locations are IN Paulding County. ALL of the people registered to vote are IN Paulding County. (Precinct 9 is at Beulahland Baptist. It is in the Beulah community. The address is Rockmart, but it IS in Paulding County.)
Paulding Resident #6: Again, it doesn't matter the mailing address.......it's what her voter registration card says. She really should call.
Paulding Resident #1: Her card tells her to go to a Paulding County voter location (polling place) that has a Rockmart address. There is a Paulding County fire station with a Rockmart address, too. Neither is in Polk County. Both are in Paulding County.
Paulding Resident #3: where is the election office???
Paulding Resident #2: For Paulding or Polk??
Voter: I want my mommy.
Paulding Resident #1: I believe you have to go to the location that is on your card.
Paulding Resident #2: I have a question.Do you live in Paulding or Polk County?Isn't Rockmart Polk County?Why if you live in Paulding would you vote in Polk.Just asking.
Paulding Resident #1: Rockmart is in both counties
Voter: I have no idea. I live in Paulding county and my address is Dallas.
Paulding Resident #2: But would her ballot contain issues pertaining to Paulding or Polk?This is very interesting to me. I'm sorry but this has me confused.You can't send a child across county line to school,how do you vote across county lines.I think it's a mistake,but that's just me.
Stop the story for a minute......
OK....just to clarify here. We have several towns out here that are located in Paulding as well as a neighboring county. Powder Springs is located in Cobb County as well as Paulding County. Rockmart is located in Paulding and Polk Counties. Acworth is located in Cobb and Paulding Counties. Don't know why....it just is. And it's not just isolated to Georgia. Our lake house is located in Fair Play, South Carolina. Fair Play is located in Oconee and Anderson Counties.
Picking back up with the story.......
Paulding Resident #1: She lives in Paulding and her polling place is in Paulding. (Rockmart addresses are located in both counties.)
Paulding Resident #3: I wonder why they have you voting in Rockmart? did you use to live there?
Paulding Resident #4: Down here, we have Rockmart, Temple, and Dallas addresses ... all within a stone's throw of each other. I believe the voting breakdown/map for this area is done the way it is because the school is so small and it is hard to get too many people through there for voting.
Paulding Resident #5: We live in Villa Rica but, it's still Paulding County. People automatically think Carroll County.
Paudling Resident #6: Here's some info for voting in Paulding, but like the others, I don't understand why they are sending you to Rockmart, unless that's where you HAVE to vote. Polk County will have different ballots. If your card says Rockmart, then you have to vote in Polk County. Call the registrar's office and find out where early voting is for Polk County.
Paulding Resident #1: Once again ... there are Rockmart addresses in Paulding County.
Paulding Resident #6: Once again, if her card says she has to vote in Rockmart, that's Polk County. She will have to vote in Polk County using a Polk County ballot. I understand the address thing, it's everywhere, but if she lives in Polk with a Dallas address then she has to vote in Polk.
Paulding Resident #1: Her voting location is a Rockmart address within Paulding County. She lives in Paulding County.
Paulding Resident #5: People you have to remember, just because your address says a city doesn't mean you live in that city. I would think the proper way to describe it would be this way. I live in Paulding County with a (city) address. Therefore, one can "live" in Villa Rica but vote in Paulding because that is where you live. It doesn't have anything to do with the city on your address but it has everything to do with the county. The post office that delivers your mail and only delivers your mail has nothing to do with what county you vote in or what things you vote on. I'm sure you will vote on your county issues and if you don't then you can complain.
Paulding Resident #7: Gawd, you people amaze me!!!!!
Paulding Resident #3: I would call and ask. I assume you live in Paulding County and Rockmart (at least most of it) is in Polk County, just to make certain they haver you at the correct polling place.
Paulding Resident #6: Maybe I'm a little dense here, but I'm seeing her say that her card, and I'm assuming her voter registration card, has her in Rockmart. Rockmart is in Polk county. I don't care what her address is, what matters is what her voter registeration card says. Am I missing something here? (uhh....yeah. A brain!!!!!)
Paulding Resident #3: But the ballot will be a Polk County ballot and she would not get to vote for Paulding County offices.
Someone with an actual brain:
Okay, folks, here are the voting precincts for PAULDING COUNTY.
ELECTION INFORMATION
The names and addresses of the Paulding County Voting Precincts are as follows:
Precinct 1 Paulding County High School, 1297 Villa Rica Highway, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 2 Herschel Jones Middle School, 100 Stadium Drive, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 3 Moses Middle School, 1066 Old Country Farm Road, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 4 McGarity Elementary School, 262 Old Rakestraw Mill Road, Hiram, Ga.
Precinct 5 Hiram Elementary School, 200 Seaboard Avenue, Hiram, Ga.
Precinct 6 P. B. Ritch Elementary School, 140 Bethel Church Road, Hiram, Ga.
Precinct 7 South Paulding Middle School, 592 Nebo Road, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 8 Union Elementary School, 206 Highway 101 South, Temple, Ga.
Precinct 9 Beulahland Baptist Church, 229 Pleasant Grove Road, Rockmart, Ga.
Precinct 10 Burnt Hickory Fire Station, 7651 Cartersville Highway, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 11 Shelton Elementary School, 1531 Cedarcrest Road, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 12 East Paulding High School, 3320 East Paulding Drive, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 13 Northside Elementary School, 2223 Cartersville Highway, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 14 Nebo Elementary School, 2843 Nebo Road, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 15 J. A. Dobbins Middle School, 637 Williams Lake Rd., Powder Spgs., Ga.
Precinct 16 Bessie Baggett Elementary, 948 Williams Lake Rd., Powder Spgs., Ga.
Precinct 17 New Georgia Baptist Church, 6092 Mulberry Rock Road, Villa Rica, Ga.
Precinct 18 Allgood Elementary School, 312 Hart Road, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 19 Hiram High School, 702 Virgie Ballentine Drive, Hiram, Ga.
Precinct 20 C. A. Roberts Elementary, 1833 Mt. Tabor Church Road, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 21 Senator’s Ridge Clubhouse, Dabbs Bridge Road, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 22 Roland W. Russom Elementary School, 40 Old Dallas-Acworth Hwy.,
Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 23 East Paulding Middle School, 2945 Hiram Acworth Hwy., Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 24 Dallas Library, 1010 East Memorial Drive, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 25 Lillian C. Poole Elementary, 1002 Wayside Lane, Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 26 Pickett’s Mill Baptist Church, 7147 Hiram Acworth Hwy., Dallas, Ga.
Precinct 27 Austin Middle School, 3490 Ridge Road, Douglasville, Ga.
PLEASE NOTE THE FOLLOWING CHANGES: Beulahland Baptist Church
replaces Yorkville Baptist Church as a voting precinct and New Georgia Baptist
Church replaces New Georgia Elementary School as a voting precinct.
To confirm election dates, polling locations and other election information visit the
Secretary of State website at www.sos.state.ga.us/elections. Note: At the Secretary of
State Website, you can obtain directions to your voting precinct.
If you have any questions regarding any Election, please do not hesitate to contact the
Probate Judge and Election Superintendent, Deborah Andersen, at (770) 443-7541. You
may also visit my office located at 25 Courthouse Square, Room 102, Dallas, Georgia.
As you can see - there are many different addresses (Rockmart, Powder Springs, Villa Rica, etc.) but ALL of these locations are IN Paulding County. ALL of the people registered to vote are IN Paulding County. (Precinct 9 is at Beulahland Baptist. It is in the Beulah community. The address is Rockmart, but it IS in Paulding County.)
Paulding Resident #6: Again, it doesn't matter the mailing address.......it's what her voter registration card says. She really should call.
Paulding Resident #1: Her card tells her to go to a Paulding County voter location (polling place) that has a Rockmart address. There is a Paulding County fire station with a Rockmart address, too. Neither is in Polk County. Both are in Paulding County.
Paulding Resident #3: where is the election office???
Paulding Resident #2: For Paulding or Polk??
Voter: I want my mommy.
Friday, October 17, 2008
True Confession
I did not attend a "real" concert until I was in my early twenties. (By "real", I mean a performance by any well-known artist. The South Cobb High School Cantaliers
Nowadays, most kids have gone to a concert by the time they are ten....some even earlier than that. I've seen video on the news of kids as young as six years old being interviewed by reporters as they waited in line to see Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, Britney Spears before she went crazy, The Backstreet Boys, etc.
I was probably 21 or 22, when I saw my first concert.
Here's the story:
When I was in my early twenties, I became close friends with the mother of Greg and Melissa, a brother and sister in our neighborhood that I used to pal around with. Greg and Melissa were a couple of years younger than me and at that age, hanging out with their mom was just not cool.
But I found her to be VERY cool! From Judy, I learned that "To Kill A Mockingbird" was NOT the only good movie made in black and white. She was the one that pointed out that Alfred Hitchcock usually made cameo appearances in his movies and we had fun anytime a "Hitch flick" came on TV trying to be the first one to see him. She loved Elvis Presley like nobody's business and I actually learned to appreciate his music.
She taught me how to cross-stitch. We attended as many arts and crafts festivals each fall and spring that we could. We went to Powers Crossroads, Prater's Mill, Hunt's Meadow, The Sorghum Festival, etc. We scoured The Lakewood Flea Market, The Hwy 41 Flea Market, and estate sales in Buckhead. We had fun.
One day, Judy called me up all excited. Her best friend Melba had heard that one of their favorite singers was coming to town. Melba was going to buy tickets for the show the next day. Melba and her daughter Dale were going, Judy and Melissa were going, and Judy was calling to see if I wanted to go.
Everything was pretty much set. Melba was picking up the tickets; all she needed to know was whether to buy four tickets or five. I hesitated.....then Judy said "PLEASE say you'll go.....this is going to be so much fun, you'll have a great time and you'll never forget it.....I promise."
So...the day soon came and off we went to the concert. Up until now, I have not mentioned WHO the act was. (No...it wasn't "The Who".) Keep in mind this was the early 80's. If you think it was someone like Elton John, Billy Joel, or The Eagles, well.....you would be wrong.
It was (drum roll, please....) Engelbert Humperdinck!!!! (Yeah.....go ahead and laugh.....I'll wait.)
OK....so we get to the Fox Theatre. We find our seats. We sit down. Melissa wasn't feeling well, so she went to sleep as soon as she sat down. Then Melba decides it's time to go get a drink. So she and Judy hop up to go get rum and cokes. Melba's daughter Dale sighed....leaned over and asked me if I felt like the mom chaperoning a couple of children because SHE sure did.
She said "Just look at the two of them....they act like they are 15 years old. And both of them all the way down here wondering if he was going to be wearing tight pants. Get this....would you believe my mom actually brought my dad's hunting binoculars? If he knew, he'd have an absolute cow! But she said she wanted to make sure she got to see every drop of sweat and....well....I'll just stop there. This is going to be a long night!"
Melba and Judy came back and settled down. Then Judy saw someone with a program. She stood up and hollered "Hey....where'd you get that?" The woman hollered back that they were selling them in one of the ballrooms, but she'd better hurry because they were going fast.
Judy and Melba looked at each other and said "Let's go!" So....off they ran to go buy their programs. Then they came right back because they realized they had forgotten their drinks. They grabbed them, then ran back in search of a program. Melissa was sound asleep, so Dale and I just sat and watched people.
Judy and Melba came back. Along the way, they had gotten a refill. And they just had one program. I asked why they each didn't get one. Judy said that it was because of the program was $15. As much as she luuuvvveedd Engelbert, she just couldn't shell out $15 for a program and Melba felt the same way. So they decided to split the cost. They were going to go through the program and decide who was going to get what page.
They began looking through the program, but because the lights had been turned down it was hard to see. Melba opened up her purse and whipped out the binoculars and a flashlight.
So...there they sat. Two 45 year old women, rum and cokes in hand, one holding the program, while the other held a flashlight. Dale and I just sat and talked.
All of a sudden, Judy and Melba screamed. Dale and I jumped. Melissa snored.
Judy hollered "That one's mine!" Melba hollered back "Like hell you say!! I saw it first!!!"
Dale and I leaned over to see what they were fighting over. They were looking at a full page picture in the program. It was a picture of Engelbert....in a skin tight white jumpsuit like Elvis used to wear. His right hand held a microphone, his left arm was stretched way out to the side, his chest was stuck way out, his legs were about five feet apart, and he was looking straight up with his eyes closed.
Melba told Judy to move the program closer to the flashlight. Melba took the flashlight and started shining the light at the bottom of the page. She slowly moved the light up the page and stopped somewhere in the middle of the page. I'll leave it to the imagination as to where that flashlight had stopped.
Dale saw what they were looking at and screamed "MOTHER!!!!!!"
The women in the row in front of us looked and stared. The women behind us said "Oh! Look! What page is that on? Hey....can I borrow your flashlight?"
Melba pretended like she didn't hear. She and Judy were too busy discussing that "fine specimen of man" (their exact words) that was pictured before them.
Dale slouched down in her seat and asked Melba if she could just die now.
About that time, the lights went dark and the concert began. At some point, a few women in the front row stood up and began throwing things on the stage. Melba got out the binoculars and she confirmed what we figured....the things being thrown were panties.
Melba and Judy began hollering for the women in front to sit down because Englebert didn't want their d@mn, old, ugly panties (again, their exact words).
At that point, I sort of stopped watching the concert because the actual entertainment was sitting in the two seats beside me. And in the rows in front of me. And in the rows behind me.
It was a sellout crowd of middle aged women (and a few men, too, which I didn't think anything about then, but now it's a little disturbing) throwing panties, screaming at women throwing panties, crying because they didn't have any panties to throw, griping because the concession stand sold everything EXCEPT panties, and begging other women for extra panties so they could throw some, too.
Up until that time, that scene was stuff I had only read about. I never believed that stuff like that actually happened. I've never experienced anything quite like that.
Judy was right. It was fun, I had a great time, and I've never forgotten it.
Melissa and Dale, on the other hand, immediately reported their mothers to DFACS and both were promptly placed in foster care. (Not really....but I have a feeling that the thought did cross their minds.)
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Debate Day!!!!!
Gee, Denis Leary....tell us how you REALLY feel!
I like how everyone is telling what THEY think John McCain should do in the debate tonight. Half say that he should just go all out and hit him on everything from the low lifes that he says he just now found out how bad they are to what he means by "spread the wealth".
The other half say just stay focused on the issues. I'm kind of in Newt Gingrich's camp. He says he ought to just go after him with 5 or 6 issues and just keep hitting him up with "Just answer yes or no."
I went to the Paulding Debate Party, but left shortly before it began. There was a Texas Hold 'Em match going on, TVs were too small, and it was too hard to hear over the James Taylor's Greatest Hits CD blaring over the audio system. But I did get my McCain/Palin buttons, McCain bumper stickers and a yard sign.
So I left to watch it on my 60" big screen TV. Walker is curled up in my lap and growls everytime there is a close up of Obama. He's a good dog.....I trained him well. He gets a cookie.
Some of my favorite McCain T-shirts:
McCain Tshirt
Vote Republican
Obama's Accomplishments
Change
McCain and Obama
Dead People
Wow! That was quick!!
Walker!!! Bad Dog!! No cookie for you!
I like how everyone is telling what THEY think John McCain should do in the debate tonight. Half say that he should just go all out and hit him on everything from the low lifes that he says he just now found out how bad they are to what he means by "spread the wealth".
The other half say just stay focused on the issues. I'm kind of in Newt Gingrich's camp. He says he ought to just go after him with 5 or 6 issues and just keep hitting him up with "Just answer yes or no."
I went to the Paulding Debate Party, but left shortly before it began. There was a Texas Hold 'Em match going on, TVs were too small, and it was too hard to hear over the James Taylor's Greatest Hits CD blaring over the audio system. But I did get my McCain/Palin buttons, McCain bumper stickers and a yard sign.
So I left to watch it on my 60" big screen TV. Walker is curled up in my lap and growls everytime there is a close up of Obama. He's a good dog.....I trained him well. He gets a cookie.
Some of my favorite McCain T-shirts:
McCain Tshirt
Vote Republican
Obama's Accomplishments
Change
McCain and Obama
Dead People
Wow! That was quick!!
Walker!!! Bad Dog!! No cookie for you!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Busy, Busy, Busy!!!!
I think the last time that I have even heard Ringo's name in the news was when that movie "Caveman" came out. Then yesterday, he releases this COS (crock of sh*t)!
Busy doing exactly what, Ringo?
Which brings to mind the latest reunion news....(that's family reunion news, not Beatle reunion news which would never happen anyway since half of them are dead.)
My cousin Fred is going to be smoking a ham! I'm still reeling from shock, because it seems like anytime anything needs to get done, Fred can't do it because, like Ringo, he just has so much to do.
I told my dad that he might want to check back with his brother on this and make sure that we aren't putting Fred out. I mean, I sure wouldn't want to impede on his busy schedule of sitting on his a$$ while his dad is out mowing his lawn, cleaning gutters, or doing anything else his dad has absolutely no business doing due to health issues. I mean, I know Fred has his own health issues and I truly do hope that one day, someone will find a cure to being allergic to work. I know Fred won't be the one to find that cure, because he's too busy....sitting on his aforementioned a$$.
We're still having the usual griping and complaining, but it's isolated to just one of my dad's cousins. No one is twisting his arm to come, so why he doesn't stay home is beyond me. He's griped about the place, griped about the cost, griped about the menu. So, in his honor, I decided to gripe about him.
Everyone else is excited about coming, wanting to know what they can do to help, etc.
The location has been determined; it's going to be at the church.
I have a great story about this church that my cousin told me at the last reunion. I love this because it's about my grandmother and I can just hear her saying this, too.
This church is way out in the country and as such, none of the houses are on county water. They all use wells. So when they built the fellowship hall for this church, they ran water to the fellowship hall from a well located on the church property.
This church also has a cemetery.
I did not know until last year that in all the years that this fellowship hall existed, my grandmother absolutely refused to drink or wash her hands in water from the church fellowship hall. She referred to it as "dead water". (well water + cemetery = "dead water"). It sounds gross, I know, but for some reason, I think it's funny.
The only other thing I've got going on is that the Paulding Republican Party is having a debate party tomorrow night at Jalepeno Joe's. I'm debating (ha-ha!) about whether or not to go. In the past, I've done some stuff with Cobb County's Republican Party, but they never had debate parties. Do they boo whenever Obama speaks? I mean, I do live in Paulding so anything is possible, I guess.
Maybe I'll find out.....unless I'm busy, of course!
Busy doing exactly what, Ringo?
Which brings to mind the latest reunion news....(that's family reunion news, not Beatle reunion news which would never happen anyway since half of them are dead.)
My cousin Fred is going to be smoking a ham! I'm still reeling from shock, because it seems like anytime anything needs to get done, Fred can't do it because, like Ringo, he just has so much to do.
I told my dad that he might want to check back with his brother on this and make sure that we aren't putting Fred out. I mean, I sure wouldn't want to impede on his busy schedule of sitting on his a$$ while his dad is out mowing his lawn, cleaning gutters, or doing anything else his dad has absolutely no business doing due to health issues. I mean, I know Fred has his own health issues and I truly do hope that one day, someone will find a cure to being allergic to work. I know Fred won't be the one to find that cure, because he's too busy....sitting on his aforementioned a$$.
We're still having the usual griping and complaining, but it's isolated to just one of my dad's cousins. No one is twisting his arm to come, so why he doesn't stay home is beyond me. He's griped about the place, griped about the cost, griped about the menu. So, in his honor, I decided to gripe about him.
Everyone else is excited about coming, wanting to know what they can do to help, etc.
The location has been determined; it's going to be at the church.
I have a great story about this church that my cousin told me at the last reunion. I love this because it's about my grandmother and I can just hear her saying this, too.
This church is way out in the country and as such, none of the houses are on county water. They all use wells. So when they built the fellowship hall for this church, they ran water to the fellowship hall from a well located on the church property.
This church also has a cemetery.
I did not know until last year that in all the years that this fellowship hall existed, my grandmother absolutely refused to drink or wash her hands in water from the church fellowship hall. She referred to it as "dead water". (well water + cemetery = "dead water"). It sounds gross, I know, but for some reason, I think it's funny.
The only other thing I've got going on is that the Paulding Republican Party is having a debate party tomorrow night at Jalepeno Joe's. I'm debating (ha-ha!) about whether or not to go. In the past, I've done some stuff with Cobb County's Republican Party, but they never had debate parties. Do they boo whenever Obama speaks? I mean, I do live in Paulding so anything is possible, I guess.
Maybe I'll find out.....unless I'm busy, of course!
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Movie Review: An American Carol
Ok........
I'm officially on vacation for the next week, so I'm doing whatever I want. Today, I wanted to go to the movies.
I decided to go to the 12:05 showing of "An American Carol" for two reasons:
1) Since it was the first screening, I would actually be able to sit in a clean theatre
2) Everyone else would either be at church or leaving church and eating at one of Paulding's many fine dining establishments like Hooters. (Yes, I saw a family of 4 well dressed Paulding citizens in their Sunday finery, so I'm assuming they had been to church; they parked their car and headed into Hooters. Somehow, that just seems wrong. But then again, I do live in Paulding. Where someone in one of the houses along Hwy 92 actually has Confederate flag living room curtains.)
Either way, the people that make going to the movies such a horrible experience these days (the ones that talk on their cell phones, talk to each other, run up and down the aisles, yell across the theatre, etc during the movie...and that's just the people from the Senior Center on one of their day outings!) more than likely would not be there.
So....here's my review:
First off, it really makes you think about where you live when you see the local advertisers flash their ads on the screen while waiting for the movie to begin:
Coming Attractions:
W.: Another Oliver Stone pack of lies that people are probably going to pay to see. Here's a word of warning, though. It stars Josh Brolin. What difference does that make, you ask? He's James Brolin's son. What difference does that make, you ask? James Brolin happens to be Mr. Barbra Streisand. Here's a link to some of Heir Streisand's ramblings.
OK....I might be stretching it by connecting that series of dots, but in all honesty so does Oliver Stone. I will give him credit, though. The soundtrack sounds AWESOME! George Jones sings the absolute best version of "Amazing Grace" I've ever heard.
The Haunting of Molly Hartley: Looks like a Carrie re-do. Also looks like it sucks.
Max Payne: Yawn.
The Uninvited: This one actually looks pretty good. Looks kind of like a combination of "The 6th Sense" and "The Others." Too bad it isn't being released until January 2009.
OK....
Now for the movie review:
The guy playing Michael Malone could actually be Michael Moore's brother. He's actually Chris Farley's brother. I got a chuckle out of his nieces and nephew constantly referring to Malone as "Uncle Lardass", "Uncle Asshole", etc. because I imagine that's exactly how Micheal Moore's nieces and nephews refer to him. Everything that you ever wished would happen to Micheal Moore pretty much happens to this guy....and that's a good thing.
Leslie Nielson plays a Grandpa telling the story of Micheal Malone. Typical Leslie Nielson role in a Zucker movie.
Kelsey Grammer as General Patton: Personally, I think Clint Eastwood would have been a better pick, but I guess he was too busy directing "The Changeling" (opening October 31).
Grammer was OK....nothing to write home about.
Trace Atkins as "The Angel of Death": Trace is kind of scary, anyway, so it really wasn't too big of a reach.
Bill O'Reilley as himself: Actually, he didn't seem to be as big of a jerk in the movie as he can be on TV. Go figure.
Whoever it was playing "Rosie O'Connell": She had the accent down pat. She was actually as obnoxious as Rosie.
The Three Terrorists: Think an Afghani version of "The Three Stooges"....except The Stooges were funnier.
Overall opinion.....save $6 (matinee price) and wait for the DVD rental.
I'm officially on vacation for the next week, so I'm doing whatever I want. Today, I wanted to go to the movies.
I decided to go to the 12:05 showing of "An American Carol" for two reasons:
1) Since it was the first screening, I would actually be able to sit in a clean theatre
2) Everyone else would either be at church or leaving church and eating at one of Paulding's many fine dining establishments like Hooters. (Yes, I saw a family of 4 well dressed Paulding citizens in their Sunday finery, so I'm assuming they had been to church; they parked their car and headed into Hooters. Somehow, that just seems wrong. But then again, I do live in Paulding. Where someone in one of the houses along Hwy 92 actually has Confederate flag living room curtains.)
Either way, the people that make going to the movies such a horrible experience these days (the ones that talk on their cell phones, talk to each other, run up and down the aisles, yell across the theatre, etc during the movie...and that's just the people from the Senior Center on one of their day outings!) more than likely would not be there.
So....here's my review:
First off, it really makes you think about where you live when you see the local advertisers flash their ads on the screen while waiting for the movie to begin:
- Paulding County Quick Bail
- Lucky Draw Tattoo and Body Piercing (Opening a second location, soon!)
- Special Thanks to the Hiram Police Department for providing on site officers for the safety and security of our patrons.
Coming Attractions:
W.: Another Oliver Stone pack of lies that people are probably going to pay to see. Here's a word of warning, though. It stars Josh Brolin. What difference does that make, you ask? He's James Brolin's son. What difference does that make, you ask? James Brolin happens to be Mr. Barbra Streisand. Here's a link to some of Heir Streisand's ramblings.
OK....I might be stretching it by connecting that series of dots, but in all honesty so does Oliver Stone. I will give him credit, though. The soundtrack sounds AWESOME! George Jones sings the absolute best version of "Amazing Grace" I've ever heard.
The Haunting of Molly Hartley: Looks like a Carrie re-do. Also looks like it sucks.
Max Payne: Yawn.
The Uninvited: This one actually looks pretty good. Looks kind of like a combination of "The 6th Sense" and "The Others." Too bad it isn't being released until January 2009.
OK....
Now for the movie review:
The guy playing Michael Malone could actually be Michael Moore's brother. He's actually Chris Farley's brother. I got a chuckle out of his nieces and nephew constantly referring to Malone as "Uncle Lardass", "Uncle Asshole", etc. because I imagine that's exactly how Micheal Moore's nieces and nephews refer to him. Everything that you ever wished would happen to Micheal Moore pretty much happens to this guy....and that's a good thing.
Leslie Nielson plays a Grandpa telling the story of Micheal Malone. Typical Leslie Nielson role in a Zucker movie.
Kelsey Grammer as General Patton: Personally, I think Clint Eastwood would have been a better pick, but I guess he was too busy directing "The Changeling" (opening October 31).
Grammer was OK....nothing to write home about.
Trace Atkins as "The Angel of Death": Trace is kind of scary, anyway, so it really wasn't too big of a reach.
Bill O'Reilley as himself: Actually, he didn't seem to be as big of a jerk in the movie as he can be on TV. Go figure.
Whoever it was playing "Rosie O'Connell": She had the accent down pat. She was actually as obnoxious as Rosie.
The Three Terrorists: Think an Afghani version of "The Three Stooges"....except The Stooges were funnier.
Overall opinion.....save $6 (matinee price) and wait for the DVD rental.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Scenes in Hiram
This morning, I took a ride through the Paulding metropolis known as Hiram....or as the locals around here call it, "Harm".
Both of the funeral homes were open for business; parking lots were full and people were sitting in the rocking chairs out side of Clarks. Is it just me or does it not appear weird when the county coroner also owns one of the local funeral homes as well as the local ambulance service?
Further on up 92, it seems like all of the local churches decided to have a combination yard sale and barbeque. Nice day for it, but I've got more junk than I can use so I didn't stop.
Just for the heck of it, I turned off onto Pine Valley Road to see what the Tritt's were up to. As I rode past the Tritt compound, you'll never guess who I saw at the mailbox!!!
Now, I've lived in Paulding County for 15 years and I've yet to see any Tritt. Travis had already bought his property shortly before I moved here. Later on, he got married and they produced a whole flock of little Tritts. It's a well known fact that Theresa (Mrs. Tritt) shops at Walmart and Target. And occasionally, the family will have a Friday night outing at the now-defunct Catfish Den* or Longhorn's. So you can imagine my surprise when I saw someone at Travis' mailbox!
Yep, you guessed it! I saw.....Travis Tritt's MAILMAN!!!!
He probably got the exact same junk mail that I got today! I'm guessing he got the little magazine thingy that is loaded up with Mrs. Winner's coupons, Papa John's coupons, Captain D's coupons, and 1 room of carpet steam cleaned free when you have 4 other rooms done. I wonder if he got the Linen's and Things card where you can get 20% off any one item? Or the "We miss you" offer from DirectTV?
I didn't stop to find out; I didn't want to be in violation of the 40 "No Stopping/No Standing" signs that he has posted around the perimeter of his property. Not that you can actually see anything due to the 8 foot high brick wall and the 4o foot high Leland cypresses that also encompass the perimeter of his property.
Travis, if you happen to read this here's a word of advice regarding the DirectTV offer. You might have to chop down some of those trees to get a signal. That's why we wound up having to switch over to Comcast. We just have too many trees on our lot. If they were pine, we would have just cut them down, but since they are all mature hardwoods, we decided to keep them. But you've got a ton of pines on your property and those things are a dang nuisance because they snap like toothpicks in a high wind or ice storm....I'm just saying.
Also, here's some news regarding the Catfish Den. (That's why I put an * next to it earlier.) It's been closed now for several months and several p-commers as well as my parents were quite upset about that. Apparently, they served the best catfish ever and they suddenly closed up back during the spring. Well, as I was riding down 92, the sign in front said "Opening Soon!" I'm not exactly a catfish connoisseur, so that doesn't mean much to me, but I know some folks will be extremely excited with that news.
Coming up on 278, someone needs to tell the parents of these kids stationed at every corner trying to sell the Sunday edition of the AJC for $1, that: no one wants that paper because it stinks -AND- standing on any corner of 278 ain't the safest (or smartest) place to stand. Besides that, Miss Jessie might come up and cuss them out and that would be bad.
Speaking of which....I didn't see Miss Jessie. hmmmm. I guess I need to go check that out.
Both of the funeral homes were open for business; parking lots were full and people were sitting in the rocking chairs out side of Clarks. Is it just me or does it not appear weird when the county coroner also owns one of the local funeral homes as well as the local ambulance service?
Further on up 92, it seems like all of the local churches decided to have a combination yard sale and barbeque. Nice day for it, but I've got more junk than I can use so I didn't stop.
Just for the heck of it, I turned off onto Pine Valley Road to see what the Tritt's were up to. As I rode past the Tritt compound, you'll never guess who I saw at the mailbox!!!
Now, I've lived in Paulding County for 15 years and I've yet to see any Tritt. Travis had already bought his property shortly before I moved here. Later on, he got married and they produced a whole flock of little Tritts. It's a well known fact that Theresa (Mrs. Tritt) shops at Walmart and Target. And occasionally, the family will have a Friday night outing at the now-defunct Catfish Den* or Longhorn's. So you can imagine my surprise when I saw someone at Travis' mailbox!
Yep, you guessed it! I saw.....Travis Tritt's MAILMAN!!!!
He probably got the exact same junk mail that I got today! I'm guessing he got the little magazine thingy that is loaded up with Mrs. Winner's coupons, Papa John's coupons, Captain D's coupons, and 1 room of carpet steam cleaned free when you have 4 other rooms done. I wonder if he got the Linen's and Things card where you can get 20% off any one item? Or the "We miss you" offer from DirectTV?
I didn't stop to find out; I didn't want to be in violation of the 40 "No Stopping/No Standing" signs that he has posted around the perimeter of his property. Not that you can actually see anything due to the 8 foot high brick wall and the 4o foot high Leland cypresses that also encompass the perimeter of his property.
Travis, if you happen to read this here's a word of advice regarding the DirectTV offer. You might have to chop down some of those trees to get a signal. That's why we wound up having to switch over to Comcast. We just have too many trees on our lot. If they were pine, we would have just cut them down, but since they are all mature hardwoods, we decided to keep them. But you've got a ton of pines on your property and those things are a dang nuisance because they snap like toothpicks in a high wind or ice storm....I'm just saying.
Also, here's some news regarding the Catfish Den. (That's why I put an * next to it earlier.) It's been closed now for several months and several p-commers as well as my parents were quite upset about that. Apparently, they served the best catfish ever and they suddenly closed up back during the spring. Well, as I was riding down 92, the sign in front said "Opening Soon!" I'm not exactly a catfish connoisseur, so that doesn't mean much to me, but I know some folks will be extremely excited with that news.
Coming up on 278, someone needs to tell the parents of these kids stationed at every corner trying to sell the Sunday edition of the AJC for $1, that: no one wants that paper because it stinks -AND- standing on any corner of 278 ain't the safest (or smartest) place to stand. Besides that, Miss Jessie might come up and cuss them out and that would be bad.
Speaking of which....I didn't see Miss Jessie. hmmmm. I guess I need to go check that out.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Don't Mess With Ma
My brother and I were talking swapping stories about my grandmother the other weekend. He shared one with me that I had not heard before that was just typical of my grandmother.
Now, before I go any further, I just want to preface this entry to go on record that none of us were abused as children. My parents did not do timeout, go stand in the corner, go to your room, etc. When we did something wrong, we got a whipping. If we got a whipping, then believe me we deserved it.
That said, when we stayed with my grandparents, the same rules applied. We did something wrong, my grandparents thought nothing of "tearing up some tails" as they liked to call it. Fortunately, we didn't give them too much reason to tear up our tails, but it did happen occasionally.
So for this entry, I decided to do something different. I took my brother Ron's story and wrote a song about it.
I call it "Don't Mess With Ma" and you sing it to "The Ballad of the Green Berets".....you know the song ("Silver Wings upon their chest, these are men, America's best..etc).
So....here's "Don't Mess With Ma"
My father’s mom
We called her Ma
And his dad
We called him Pa
At Ma and Pa’s
We spent our days
On our summer
getaways
Five feet two
150 pounds
Her eyes were blue
Her hair was brown
You better do
Just what Ma say
Or there would be
Some hell to pay
Ron and Fred
were about six
Played outside
throwing sticks
Ma told them stop
you’ll break a glass
And then I’ll have
to beat your ass
Then Ma left
to watch her soaps
Ron and Fred
were two young dopes
One threw a stick
and shattered glass
They knew right then
their ass was grass
Ron and Fred
they ran away
hid in the barn
The rest of the day
Until Ma yelled
it’s time to eat
She sounded calm
She sounded sweet
Ron and Fred
thought coast was clear
They turned and grinned
from ear to ear
Ma forgot
what she had said
So off they ran
to get fed
Then Ma met
them at the door
She said Look!
What’s on the floor?
Ron and Fred
They looked straight down
Then looked up
And turned around
There stood Ma
She was no fool
Ron and Fred
Had broke her rule
Suddenly
Her arm did twitch
And it held
A hickory switch
Big long and brown
And on each butt
It went to town
Then Ma said
I’m done today
But next time
Do what I say
Two red butts
Four eyes of red
Ron and Fred
Ran straight to bed
They knew then
Ma don’t forget
Lesson learned
You heed Ma’s threat
Five feet two
150 pounds
Her eyes were blue
Her hair was brown
We learned to watch
For that arm twitch
Don’t mess with Ma
She’ll use her switch
Monday, October 6, 2008
Random Musings
Fox News Alert!!! P-Diddy is PO'd. (Warning: Bad Language!)
Yo! Diddy! Here's a quick civics lesson for you. South Korea = Good. North Korea = Bad.
Plus, it might surprise you to know that most sane people would be proud of the fact that there are no crackhouses in their state. When did living near a crackhouse become a status symbol?
I can't believe this guy has a problem with Sarah Palin when he can't even put together a coherent thought....except that he thinks that (and I quote): "John McCain, you are buggin' the f*** out."
What gets me is that he's upset with the fact that McCain picked Palin as a running mate. Hell, I'm upset that Diddy is even allowed to vote! Let's face it.....he's an absolute idiot! I'm sorry, but Diddy makes Curly Howard of the Three Stooges look like Socrates. That, in and of itself is enough to scare anyone.
I actually ran across that video accidentally. This was the one I was looking for:
Now, if Diddy will actually keep his promise and stay underneath the covers for the next 4 to 8 years, then everyone needs to march down to their precinct on November 4 and vote McCain/Palin.......do it. Diddy is counting on you. He's scared. (What a puss!)
Is it just me, or does Barney Frank sound like this guy?
More Hip Hop Country:
Country Song: Hello Darlin'
Hip Hop Song: Yo Muthaf****r
Country Song: She Thinks I Still Care
Hip Hop Song: B*tch Thinks I Give a D@mn
Country Song: A Boy Named Sue
Hip Hop Song: A Homie Named Shenaynay
Country Song: Golden Ring
Hip Hop Song: Gold Bling
Country Song: When You Say Nothing At All
Hip Hop Song: B*tch, Shut The H*ll Up
Country Song: He'll Have To Go
Hip Hop Song: Homie Betta Get Da H*ll Outta Here Fo' I Busta Cap in His A$$
Country Song: Louisiana Woman, Mississippi Man
Hip Hop Song: Crip B*tch, Blood Homeboy
Country Song: Okie From Muscogee
Hip Hop Song: Homie From Nairobi
Country Song: Mama Tried
Hip Hop Song: Mama To' Mah A$$ Up
Ok....I'm done. Y'all peeps pray fo' Diddy. He's still hidin' in the sheets......he scared. (Gawd! What an ab-so-lute lunatic!!!)
Yo! Diddy! Here's a quick civics lesson for you. South Korea = Good. North Korea = Bad.
Plus, it might surprise you to know that most sane people would be proud of the fact that there are no crackhouses in their state. When did living near a crackhouse become a status symbol?
I can't believe this guy has a problem with Sarah Palin when he can't even put together a coherent thought....except that he thinks that (and I quote): "John McCain, you are buggin' the f*** out."
What gets me is that he's upset with the fact that McCain picked Palin as a running mate. Hell, I'm upset that Diddy is even allowed to vote! Let's face it.....he's an absolute idiot! I'm sorry, but Diddy makes Curly Howard of the Three Stooges look like Socrates. That, in and of itself is enough to scare anyone.
I actually ran across that video accidentally. This was the one I was looking for:
Now, if Diddy will actually keep his promise and stay underneath the covers for the next 4 to 8 years, then everyone needs to march down to their precinct on November 4 and vote McCain/Palin.......do it. Diddy is counting on you. He's scared. (What a puss!)
Is it just me, or does Barney Frank sound like this guy?
More Hip Hop Country:
Country Song: Hello Darlin'
Hip Hop Song: Yo Muthaf****r
Country Song: She Thinks I Still Care
Hip Hop Song: B*tch Thinks I Give a D@mn
Country Song: A Boy Named Sue
Hip Hop Song: A Homie Named Shenaynay
Country Song: Golden Ring
Hip Hop Song: Gold Bling
Country Song: When You Say Nothing At All
Hip Hop Song: B*tch, Shut The H*ll Up
Country Song: He'll Have To Go
Hip Hop Song: Homie Betta Get Da H*ll Outta Here Fo' I Busta Cap in His A$$
Country Song: Louisiana Woman, Mississippi Man
Hip Hop Song: Crip B*tch, Blood Homeboy
Country Song: Okie From Muscogee
Hip Hop Song: Homie From Nairobi
Country Song: Mama Tried
Hip Hop Song: Mama To' Mah A$$ Up
Ok....I'm done. Y'all peeps pray fo' Diddy. He's still hidin' in the sheets......he scared. (Gawd! What an ab-so-lute lunatic!!!)
Friday, October 3, 2008
Whoop A$$ and Hip Hop Country
First off....
I have to congratulate Bill O'Reilly for opening up an industrial size can of Whoop A$$ on Barney Frank. Click here to see the fireworks. Now THAT was entertainment!
Now....today at lunch I heard part of Whitney Houston's version of "I Will Always Love You." It was ok, but personally I liked Dolly's version better because I like country.
But for some reason, I got to thinking what would happen if Hip Hop artists started redoing/rewriting country songs.....then I started thinking about translating popular country songs in to "street lingo hip hop."
Country Song: I Will Always Love You
Hip Hop Song: You Always Be My Boo
Country Song: He Stopped Loving Her Today
Hip Hop Song: My Boo Be Dead
Country Song: Apartment #9
Hip Hop Song: Crackhouse In My Hood
Country Song: D-I-V-O-R-C-E
Hip Hop Song: BEE-CHO-A$$
Country Song: Coat of Many Colors
Hip Hop Song: Doo-rag Made of Bling
Country Song: You Ain't Woman Enough To Take My Man
Hip Hop Song: You So Ugly "Gorillas In The Mist" Was Filmed In Your Shower
Country Song: Jolene
Hip Hop Song: Quamesha
Country Song: 9-To-5
Hip Hop Song: 20-To-Life
Country Song: 18 Wheels and a Dozen Roses
Hip Hop Song: 4 Shiny Rims and a Case of Ripple
Country Song: Crazy
Hip Hop Song: Whack
Country Song: All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight
Hip Hop Song: My Posse Be Chillin in My Crib Tonight
I have to congratulate Bill O'Reilly for opening up an industrial size can of Whoop A$$ on Barney Frank. Click here to see the fireworks. Now THAT was entertainment!
Now....today at lunch I heard part of Whitney Houston's version of "I Will Always Love You." It was ok, but personally I liked Dolly's version better because I like country.
But for some reason, I got to thinking what would happen if Hip Hop artists started redoing/rewriting country songs.....then I started thinking about translating popular country songs in to "street lingo hip hop."
Country Song: I Will Always Love You
Hip Hop Song: You Always Be My Boo
Country Song: He Stopped Loving Her Today
Hip Hop Song: My Boo Be Dead
Country Song: Apartment #9
Hip Hop Song: Crackhouse In My Hood
Country Song: D-I-V-O-R-C-E
Hip Hop Song: BEE-CHO-A$$
Country Song: Coat of Many Colors
Hip Hop Song: Doo-rag Made of Bling
Country Song: You Ain't Woman Enough To Take My Man
Hip Hop Song: You So Ugly "Gorillas In The Mist" Was Filmed In Your Shower
Country Song: Jolene
Hip Hop Song: Quamesha
Country Song: 9-To-5
Hip Hop Song: 20-To-Life
Country Song: 18 Wheels and a Dozen Roses
Hip Hop Song: 4 Shiny Rims and a Case of Ripple
Country Song: Crazy
Hip Hop Song: Whack
Country Song: All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight
Hip Hop Song: My Posse Be Chillin in My Crib Tonight
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Bill O'Reilly
Bill O'Reilly......what can I say? It's the same thing, night after night after night. Most of the time, I agree with him, but I swear he just comes across as a pompous jerk most of the time.
Typical Episode of The O'Reilly Factor:
O'Reilly: Well, Typical First Guest....I've read your book and it sucked. I'm right and you're wrong. What say you?
Typical First Guest: Exactly what sucked about it, Bill? I need specifics!
O'Reilly: What do you need to know? It sucked. It sucked because I said so. I'm right and everyone watching knows I'm right.
Typical First Guest: Well, I'd like to know exactly what I wrote that makes you have that opinion.
O'Reilly: What???? Go read your book and you will see exactly why it sucked.
Typical First Guest: Bill, I have read it. I wrote it, remember? Now, wha---
O'Reilly: We're running out of time here...30 seconds I'll give you the last word.
Typical First Guest: Ok. I---
O'Reilly: There you have it....you had the last word, actually you had two. Folks, if you want to read a sucky book, the name of it is My Book Sucks....at your bookstores now. Stay tuned for Ann Coulter! In the NO SPIN ZONE.
(cue commercial)
O'Reilly: Our next guest is Ann Coulter. Ann, welcome. You wrote something mean in your book. Why?
Ann Coulter: I didn't write anything mean. I just wrote the truth.
O'Reilly: No...it was mean. It was mean because I said it was mean. C'mon Ann, admit it....I'm right.
Ann Coulter: No, Bill, you are NOT right. Look, I've backed up what I wrote with fact after fact after fact. It's there in black and white. You can't argue with facts, Bill.
O'Reilly: Look, Ann. Obviously you do not know me very well. I make a living arguing. You say the sky is blue, I say it isn't. You say the glass is half full, I say it isn't. You know why? Because I'm right, that's why. But, we only have a few seconds left, so I'll give you the last word.
Ann Coulter: A$$hole.
O'Reilly: OK...coming up is a segment we call Pinhead or Patriot. We'll be right back in the NO SPIN ZONE!
(cue commercial)
O'Reilly: Ok.....welcome back to the NO SPIN ZONE. It's time for our Pinhead or Patriot segment. This person said I suck...therefore he is a PINHEAD. This person just bent over backwards to tell me how wonderful I am. You, sir are a true PATRIOT. That's about all the time we have this evening. Remember to buy your Factor Gear and go to my website and buy my book and read lots more that I am right about. Stay tuned next for Hannity and Colmes.
Typical Episode of The O'Reilly Factor:
O'Reilly: Well, Typical First Guest....I've read your book and it sucked. I'm right and you're wrong. What say you?
Typical First Guest: Exactly what sucked about it, Bill? I need specifics!
O'Reilly: What do you need to know? It sucked. It sucked because I said so. I'm right and everyone watching knows I'm right.
Typical First Guest: Well, I'd like to know exactly what I wrote that makes you have that opinion.
O'Reilly: What???? Go read your book and you will see exactly why it sucked.
Typical First Guest: Bill, I have read it. I wrote it, remember? Now, wha---
O'Reilly: We're running out of time here...30 seconds I'll give you the last word.
Typical First Guest: Ok. I---
O'Reilly: There you have it....you had the last word, actually you had two. Folks, if you want to read a sucky book, the name of it is My Book Sucks....at your bookstores now. Stay tuned for Ann Coulter! In the NO SPIN ZONE.
(cue commercial)
O'Reilly: Our next guest is Ann Coulter. Ann, welcome. You wrote something mean in your book. Why?
Ann Coulter: I didn't write anything mean. I just wrote the truth.
O'Reilly: No...it was mean. It was mean because I said it was mean. C'mon Ann, admit it....I'm right.
Ann Coulter: No, Bill, you are NOT right. Look, I've backed up what I wrote with fact after fact after fact. It's there in black and white. You can't argue with facts, Bill.
O'Reilly: Look, Ann. Obviously you do not know me very well. I make a living arguing. You say the sky is blue, I say it isn't. You say the glass is half full, I say it isn't. You know why? Because I'm right, that's why. But, we only have a few seconds left, so I'll give you the last word.
Ann Coulter: A$$hole.
O'Reilly: OK...coming up is a segment we call Pinhead or Patriot. We'll be right back in the NO SPIN ZONE!
(cue commercial)
O'Reilly: Ok.....welcome back to the NO SPIN ZONE. It's time for our Pinhead or Patriot segment. This person said I suck...therefore he is a PINHEAD. This person just bent over backwards to tell me how wonderful I am. You, sir are a true PATRIOT. That's about all the time we have this evening. Remember to buy your Factor Gear and go to my website and buy my book and read lots more that I am right about. Stay tuned next for Hannity and Colmes.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
My Life as a Child Star
Very few people are aware of my childhood acting career. Yep, I was a child actress. Not a star of television or movies, but theatre.
I starred in productions such as "Pa Vacuums The Living Room", "Radford and Mary Helen's First Date", "Trup and Cookie Monster Go To Athens", and "Paula and Jennifer Tell Everyone What They Want for Christmas".
Each of these productions was produced, written, and directed by myself or one of my cousins and starred all of us.
Our stage was a 10 foot long solid granite picnic table that sat underneath two huge oak trees in my grandparents' yard. Our audience consisted of a couple of cows and six or seven goats.
Our productions were based on somewhat true events culled from the lives of various family members. In some cases, we just selected a few family members and made up an outlandish stories about them.
We did three performances a day; that gave each one of us a chance to be a different character in the story and interpret the story in our own way.
"Pa Vacuums The Living Room" was a comedy based on a true story. My grandmother was a meticulous housekeeper and my grandfather helped around the house. As my grandfather vacuumed the living room, my grandmother was right behind him telling him how he was doing it all wrong. We thought it was quite comical, so we wrote our own version of it.
"Radford and Mary Helen's First Date" was a fictional romantic comedy. The leading characters were my dad's first cousin and his wife. We had absolutely no idea as to what their first date was like, but I'm sure fairly certain that they did not spend the date telling each other how ugly the other one was and knocking the crap out of each other. (For the record, Radford and Mary Helen are still married, and to my knowledge have never called each other ugly and have never knocked the crap out of each other.)
"Trup and Cookie Monster Go To Athens" was a semi true account of my cousins' aunt, the aforementioned Trup, and my cousins' grandmother's trip to Athens. Cookie Monster (another of my cousin Ann's nicknames and another story for another time) was not the best driver in the world. Trup had described their adventure to my cousins in great detail....and letting them know in no uncertain terms that she had almost been killed 26 times in that trip.
In our version, Cookie Monster is oblivious to driving in the wrong lane, going through stop signs and traffic lights, and constantly chattering about how awful everyone else is driving.
Trup had one line that was repeated 117 times in the play: "Watch out!!! You're going to kill us both!! AAAAAHHHHHH!!" (AAAAAHHHHHH!! was rewritten especially for our play. If our grandmother heard us say what Trup actually said, which was "SSHHH****TTTT!!!!!" she would have yanked out her switch, which would have shut down our play immediately.)
"Paula and Jennifer Tell Everyone What They Want For Christmas" was another semi true story.
For the record, my brothers and I NEVER told my grandparents what we wanted for Christmas. The rule in our house was that under no circumstances do you TELL someone like a grandparent, aunt, uncle, etc. what they WILL get you for Christmas. If you happen to receive a gift from someone, no matter how you felt about it, you were to act like it was the best gift ever and thank the giver.
Paula (my aunt by marriage) and Jennifer (her daughter.....my cousin) were carbon copies of each other. Let's just say I was quite shocked when one Thanksgiving, Paula told Jennifer to run get the Sears catalog so that they could tell (not show....not ask....TELL!) my grandmother what she (my grandmother) was going to get them for Christmas. My grandmother listened, but I can't remember if she actually went and bought any of what she was told to get.
Our little play consisted of Jennifer and Paula telling my grandmother what they wanted her to get them for Christmas from the Sears catalog. I played the part of my grandmother. In my version, my grandmother whipped out her hickory switch and proceeded to chase both of them around trying to give them a good whippin' for being so impudent.
As we got older, one by one we retired from acting. We still had plenty of material to draw from, but the pay was not that great, the cows and goats began expecting more diverse material, and it got harder to answer "NOTHING!!" without laughing whenever my grandmother would holler out "What in the world are y'all doing?".
I starred in productions such as "Pa Vacuums The Living Room", "Radford and Mary Helen's First Date", "Trup and Cookie Monster Go To Athens", and "Paula and Jennifer Tell Everyone What They Want for Christmas".
Each of these productions was produced, written, and directed by myself or one of my cousins and starred all of us.
Our stage was a 10 foot long solid granite picnic table that sat underneath two huge oak trees in my grandparents' yard. Our audience consisted of a couple of cows and six or seven goats.
Our productions were based on somewhat true events culled from the lives of various family members. In some cases, we just selected a few family members and made up an outlandish stories about them.
We did three performances a day; that gave each one of us a chance to be a different character in the story and interpret the story in our own way.
"Pa Vacuums The Living Room" was a comedy based on a true story. My grandmother was a meticulous housekeeper and my grandfather helped around the house. As my grandfather vacuumed the living room, my grandmother was right behind him telling him how he was doing it all wrong. We thought it was quite comical, so we wrote our own version of it.
"Radford and Mary Helen's First Date" was a fictional romantic comedy. The leading characters were my dad's first cousin and his wife. We had absolutely no idea as to what their first date was like, but I'm sure fairly certain that they did not spend the date telling each other how ugly the other one was and knocking the crap out of each other. (For the record, Radford and Mary Helen are still married, and to my knowledge have never called each other ugly and have never knocked the crap out of each other.)
"Trup and Cookie Monster Go To Athens" was a semi true account of my cousins' aunt, the aforementioned Trup, and my cousins' grandmother's trip to Athens. Cookie Monster (another of my cousin Ann's nicknames and another story for another time) was not the best driver in the world. Trup had described their adventure to my cousins in great detail....and letting them know in no uncertain terms that she had almost been killed 26 times in that trip.
In our version, Cookie Monster is oblivious to driving in the wrong lane, going through stop signs and traffic lights, and constantly chattering about how awful everyone else is driving.
Trup had one line that was repeated 117 times in the play: "Watch out!!! You're going to kill us both!! AAAAAHHHHHH!!" (AAAAAHHHHHH!! was rewritten especially for our play. If our grandmother heard us say what Trup actually said, which was "SSHHH****TTTT!!!!!" she would have yanked out her switch, which would have shut down our play immediately.)
"Paula and Jennifer Tell Everyone What They Want For Christmas" was another semi true story.
For the record, my brothers and I NEVER told my grandparents what we wanted for Christmas. The rule in our house was that under no circumstances do you TELL someone like a grandparent, aunt, uncle, etc. what they WILL get you for Christmas. If you happen to receive a gift from someone, no matter how you felt about it, you were to act like it was the best gift ever and thank the giver.
Paula (my aunt by marriage) and Jennifer (her daughter.....my cousin) were carbon copies of each other. Let's just say I was quite shocked when one Thanksgiving, Paula told Jennifer to run get the Sears catalog so that they could tell (not show....not ask....TELL!) my grandmother what she (my grandmother) was going to get them for Christmas. My grandmother listened, but I can't remember if she actually went and bought any of what she was told to get.
Our little play consisted of Jennifer and Paula telling my grandmother what they wanted her to get them for Christmas from the Sears catalog. I played the part of my grandmother. In my version, my grandmother whipped out her hickory switch and proceeded to chase both of them around trying to give them a good whippin' for being so impudent.
As we got older, one by one we retired from acting. We still had plenty of material to draw from, but the pay was not that great, the cows and goats began expecting more diverse material, and it got harder to answer "NOTHING!!" without laughing whenever my grandmother would holler out "What in the world are y'all doing?".
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